} Supplicant, first you must realise that the art of naming cats is never
} based upon the features of the cat himself, but on the characteristics
} of the owner. Anthromorphism will have its wicked way. As examples, the
} most mean-tempered tabby will be characterised as "he's a good boy
} really, it's just that if I take his dinner bowl before he's finished,
} he'll 'ave my arm off" by a doting owner. The most loving and giving of
} cats will be characterised as a "miserable annoyance" by a frustrated
} and bitter owner.
} It's a well-known fact that pets can help us relieve our frustrations.
} Serious medical studies have shown that pet owners have significantly
} fewer blood pressure problems than non-pet owners. Naming pets can also
} have a curative effect, as we can take the most repressed and hidden
} parts of our personality and anthromorphise them onto our pet. I'll
} explain with some case studies.
} Supplicant A was a meek librarian, living alone in a one room flat with
} a shared bathroom. Try as he might, he couldn't get the courage to ask
} his neighbour over for dinner. He settled on the name of 'Bonecrusher'
} for his tortiseshell. His friends at the library saw how much more
} peaceful he became, and renamed their pets 'Killer' (goldfish), 'Rambo'
} (cocker spaniel), and 'Godzilla' (parakeet). To this day this library
} is known as a light and cheery place to go, though a few visitors have
} been confused when asked not to step on 'Escaped Serial Murderer'.
} Supplicant B was a slob. He used to lie on the couch watching sport all
} day, wearing a three-day-old t-shirt and badly-fitting trousers with
} his butt-crack showing. He named his pet ants Stravadarius, Plato,
} Socrates, Oscar Wilde, Picasso, Beethovan, Mark Twain, (the other 100
} names deleted). At first things looked bad as visiting friends would
} ask 'Do you even know who Plato was?' and he wouldn't. However, after
} hundreds of laughing explanations by dismissive friends, he slowly
} learnt the story behind each name, and slowly became known as an expert
} on Art and Philosophy. Later he became famous for his ant-farm
} scuptures, though people were mystified at all the ants being called
} Supplicant C is a high-flying businessman. She's well-known as a true
} 'Art of the Deal'er, beating everyone at their own game and then some.
} She specialised in buying up deadbeat companies, reversing their
} fortunes, and selling them as vibrant, prosperous concerns. Never once
} would she fail. She named her pet doberman John Major.
} Supplicant D prided himself on his clean lifestyle. He never drank,
} smoked, ate red meat, always exercised regularly, and found himself a
} career where he could live quietly in the country with his five pet
} minks. He named them Mick, Keith, Ron, Bill, and Charlie.
} Finally, Supplicant E was a famous and highly original conceptual
} artist. More than the content of her art, people were amazed at the
} stunning originality of her ideas. She named her mainly brown, fluffy,
} cat, 'Kitty', and so should you.
} You owe the Oracle a box of mini-chocolates for Dan Quayle (my pet