[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:09:24 GMT

Internet Oracularities #600

Goto:
600, 600-01, 600-02, 600-03, 600-04, 600-05, 600-06, 600-07, 600-08, 600-09, 600-10


Usenet Oracularities #600    (51 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:03:10 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   600
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

600   51 votes 1cdh8 1cje5 8lf61 39gf8 99h88 47ej7 27hj6 6me72 6fi93 9dab8
600   3.0 mean  3.4   3.2   2.4   3.3   2.9   3.4   3.4   2.5   2.8   2.9


600-01    (1cdh8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is life so proventially hopeless?(grovel)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle in all its omniscience wonders what you mean by the word
} 'proventially'?
}
} Perhaps you mean one of the following:
}
} a) Why is life so preventably hopeless?
}
}    Because you didn't get your flu shot this year.
}
} b) Why is life so preverbally hopeless?
}
}    Hard to say.
}
} c) Why is life so proverbially hopeless?
}
}    Because that's the way the cookie crumbles!
}
} d) Why is life so provincially hopeless?
}
}    Because you're taking too narrow a view of things.
}    Try to get out more!
}
} e) Why is life so Provence-ally hopeless?
}
}    Parce que c'est la vie!
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-generic grovel, and a dictionary that
} contains the word 'proventially'.


600-02    (1cje5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Hammersmith <BC70007%BINGVAXA.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, whose wisdom always leads him to do the right thing
> and the right time, I'm puzzled by life and would like some advice. How
> does one tell the difference between times when action is appropriate
> and times when inaction is appropriate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lowly Supplicant,
}
} The answer to this question is very complex, so I shall, in deference
} to your mental abilities (or lack thereof) supply you with some
} examples.
}
} ACTION APPROPRIATE:
}       Your car is racing toward a large brick wall at 70mph. In a
}       hockey rink.
}
} ACTION INAPPROPRIATE:
}       You drive past a stranded female motorist... wearing leather, a
}       spiked collar, a skull tattoo, and carrying a truncheon.*
}
} INACTION APPROPRIATE:
}       You are approached by the same female, sans spikes, tattoo, and
}       truncheon, in a massage parlor.
}
} INACTION INAPPROPRIATE:
}       You are approached in a bar by three large italian men in black
}       suits and white ties carrying violin cases, and you have empty
}       pockets.
}
} * You or her? Doesn't matter.
}
} Youse owes da Oracle. And da Oracle don't take no excuses.


600-03    (8lf61 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh! Oracle, who in an Oracle Show would certain place "Best in Show" or
> at least "Best Groomed", please tell me:
>
> What's the best place for a girl to find true love?
>
> Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh sad one, one never finds when one is looking.
} A few hints for the emotionally distressed:-
}
}       1) love is never found in the back of a pickup.
}       2) love is never found on the ceiling of a cinema.
}       3) love is ....
}
}                 an anagram of vole...
}
}               When you find a vole you will have found love.
}
} Oh sad one, you owe the Oracle a large segment of Edam cheese


600-04    (39gf8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh panoptical one,
>
> Remember in "The Wizard of Oz"--the movie that is--when Dorothy lands
> and the Munchkins all come out and sing, and then one of them comes
> forward and sings "As Coroner, I must aver / I've thoroughly examined
> her / And she's not only merely dead / She's really quite sincerely
> dead"?
>
> Well, if the Wicked Witch is squashed under a house with only her feet
> sticking out, how can he claim--and this is a coroner, after all, he's
> supposed to be a professional--that he has "thoroughly examined" her?
> I find this really upsetting!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most astute supplicant, your vigilance shall be rewarded.  You have
} uncovered one of the most insidious principles ever to elude and
} decieve humanity, namely this:  Munchkins lie like rugs.
}
} Oh yes, while they might *appear* to be sweet little people all full of
} magic and happiness and love, in truth they possess souls of rotting,
} maggot-infested putrefaction.  Do you actually *believe* a spineless
} munchkin would even get *close* to an alleged witch, much less
} *examine* her?  No!  Instead, they filled poor Dorothy with a false
} hope that the evil witch had been destroyed, when in fact it was
} probably some hapless bystander who had the extreme misfortune to be
} standing under a falling house.  When the *real* witch showed up, the
} munchkins executed an elaborate and convincing backtrack by feeding
} Dorothy that bull about the witch's "sister".
}
} Why did they do this?  To satisfy their own greed!  The munchkins had
} long been seeking a way to the Emerald City, which they fully intended
} to break into small pieces and sell to a stolen jewelry dealer in
} Miami.  However, they lacked the [insert masculine form of munchkin
} gonads here] to follow the yellow brick road to its end to confirm
} whether or not the city was *actually* made of emerald, or just painted
} green to lure the munchkins into the clutches of the Wizard, who had
} been trying to get Oz' runaway crime rate under control before the
} election.  They felt that by subverting Toto through mystical munchkin
} canine manipulation techniques and sending him with Dorothy to the
} City, they could once and for all ascertain the value of said
} municipality.  By first convincing her that was the only way back to
} Kansas, and then urging her on with the threat of the witch's "sister",
} they finally talked her into making the hazardous journey...  But of
} course, you know that part.
}
} They eventually *did* make an attack on the City, but a munchkin
} informer let the Wizard in on the plans, and they were all captured and
} fed to the flying monkeys.
}
} I hope this clears things up.  You owe the Oracle a laserdisc copy of
} the Oliver Stone expose' implicating the Scarecrow in the Munchkin
} Plot.  And while you're at it, pick me up a laserdisc player also.


600-05    (99h88 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Mr. Oracle, I've noticed that you and Rush Limbaugh have
> never been seen in the same place at the same time, and you
> both require people to grovel. Do you expect us to believe
> this is a coincidence? Would you care to comment on this?
>                                       -Lois Lane

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good, you are asking the right questions.  Now look at this,
} folks.  She could be a bit more polite about it; she could at
} least do some grovelling herself, but I'm going to ignore
} that, because there is a more important point here: THE
} TRUTH.  Stay with me, because she is hitting a key point, and
} if people would just stay with the program, tune in for
} twenty weeks, there would be a lot fewer confused liberals
} in the world today.
}
} Now.  Let's break this down.  The Oracle is a USENET phenomenon.
} As you all know I am a great fan and user of COPUSCURV.
} The trouble with COPUSCURV is that it's preaching to the
} choir.  Obviously anyone with the native American intelligence
} to pay by the minute to pay higher prices on randomly cancelled
} air ticket reservations is going to be on COPUSCURV, not
} USENET.  So there is a dearth of TRUTH on the USENET.  That's
} where ORACLE comes in.  You see where we're going here.  It's
} again, again it IS NOT the way Hilary's husband and the
} democrats would have you think.  We're talking about pure,
} unadulterated TRUTH.  Bear with me, the interesting part is
} right after this...
}
} < commercial break >
}
} OK, we're on day 1,984 of America held Hostage... today is
} a special show because I have deigned, I am STOOPING, to
} answer a very good question that has been waiting to be
} asked.  Many people wonder about this, but NOBODY dares to
} really say these things, the TRUTH I am about to give you.
}
} TRUTH is a singularity.  Now this sounds kind of metaphysical
} I know (hey cut that out).  Physicists tell us that time
} and energy are intimately related.  The fact is, there can
} only be ONE TRUTH, and therefore TRUTH CAN NOT BE IN TWO
} PLACES AT THE SAME TIME.  This means that as long as I am
} not in the White House, this country is in big trouble.  Of
} course some have suggested... and I ask members of my
} audience who may be unfamiliar with this NETWORK terminology
} to forgive me -- some have suggested that there should
} be a MAIL FORWARDING DEVICE set up on USENET to FORWARD
} the TRUTH from the ORACLE to clinton@whitehouse.gov --
} now I am not going this far, for the sole reason that my
} promotional contract with COPUSCURV will not allow it,
} but we are trying to work something out.  Now the
} intelligent listener to this show -- is that redundant?
} I mean, aren't all the listeners to this show intelligent?
} I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.  The AVERAGE
} listener will realize, at this point, that since there
} is ONLY ONE TRUTH, and the TRUTH is HERE, either I, Rush
} Limbaugh, and the USENET ORACLE are ONE AND THE SAME,
} or the USENET ORACLE is full of Bill.  Make no mistake,
} there are no other possibilities.  Well, unfortunately
} my contractual obligations with this network and with
} COPUSCURV do not allow me to comment further.  But
} I think the intelligent listener, the AVERAGE listener,
} will know the answer after putting in the required 20
} weeks BOTH HERE on THIS SHOW and on USENET, although
} due to my contract with COPUSCURV I am not allowed
} to recommend that anyone use USENET.


600-06    (47ej7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle out there somewhere, who's glorious name is spoken on the
> highest mountains and in the deepest sea, please tell me:
>
> What would be a good name to call my cat?  He is brown and tan, and has
> lots of fur on him.
>
> love, gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, first you must realise that the art of naming cats is never
} based upon the features of the cat himself, but on the characteristics
} of the owner. Anthromorphism will have its wicked way. As examples, the
} most mean-tempered tabby will be characterised as "he's a good boy
} really, it's just that if I take his dinner bowl before he's finished,
} he'll 'ave my arm off" by a doting owner. The most loving and giving of
} cats will be characterised as a "miserable annoyance" by a frustrated
} and bitter owner.
}
} It's a well-known fact that pets can help us relieve our frustrations.
} Serious medical studies have shown that pet owners have significantly
} fewer blood pressure problems than non-pet owners. Naming pets can also
} have a curative effect, as we can take the most repressed and hidden
} parts of our personality and anthromorphise them onto our pet. I'll
} explain with some case studies.
}
} Supplicant A was a meek librarian, living alone in a one room flat with
} a shared bathroom. Try as he might, he couldn't get the courage to ask
} his neighbour over for dinner. He settled on the name of 'Bonecrusher'
} for his tortiseshell. His friends at the library saw how much more
} peaceful he became, and renamed their pets 'Killer' (goldfish), 'Rambo'
} (cocker spaniel), and 'Godzilla' (parakeet). To this day this library
} is known as a light and cheery place to go, though a few visitors have
} been confused when asked not to step on 'Escaped Serial Murderer'.
}
} Supplicant B was a slob. He used to lie on the couch watching sport all
} day, wearing a three-day-old t-shirt and badly-fitting trousers with
} his butt-crack showing. He named his pet ants Stravadarius, Plato,
} Socrates, Oscar Wilde, Picasso, Beethovan, Mark Twain, (the other 100
} names deleted). At first things looked bad as visiting friends would
} ask 'Do you even know who Plato was?' and he wouldn't. However, after
} hundreds of laughing explanations by dismissive friends, he slowly
} learnt the story behind each name, and slowly became known as an expert
} on Art and Philosophy. Later he became famous for his ant-farm
} scuptures, though people were mystified at all the ants being called
} 'Bud'.
}
} Supplicant C is a high-flying businessman. She's well-known as a true
} 'Art of the Deal'er, beating everyone at their own game and then some.
} She specialised in buying up deadbeat companies, reversing their
} fortunes, and selling them as vibrant, prosperous concerns. Never once
} would she fail. She named her pet doberman John Major.
}
} Supplicant D prided himself on his clean lifestyle. He never drank,
} smoked, ate red meat, always exercised regularly, and found himself a
} career where he could live quietly in the country with his five pet
} minks. He named them Mick, Keith, Ron, Bill, and Charlie.
}
} Finally, Supplicant E was a famous and highly original conceptual
} artist. More than the content of her art, people were amazed at the
} stunning originality of her ideas. She named her mainly brown, fluffy,
} cat, 'Kitty', and so should you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of mini-chocolates for Dan Quayle (my pet
} Rat).


600-07    (27hj6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle
> eternally wise, eternally sharp, eternally eternal...
>
> DID I WIN????
>
> AM I CALLER NUMBER 9????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: "Caller number nine... you're on the air!"
} Caller: "DID I WIN??"
} Oracle: "Indeed you did!  Why don't you tell our audience how I feel?"
} Caller: "I'm elated!  I'm so excited!!!"
} Oracle: "Good, good.  And now for your prize...."
} Caller: "What's the prize?  What did I win?"
} Oracle: "Two tickets to be in the studio audience of the next taping of
}       'Barney and Friends.'"
} Caller: "AGGGHHHH!" (Hangs up)
} Oracle: "If he grovels a little more, maybe next time he'll get
}       something a little nicer... like a date with Yoko Ono.  This is
}       your rocking DJ Oracle, and next up we'll be hearing 'I Love You,
}       You Love Me' continuously until I receive $100,000 in tribute...."


600-08    (6me72 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the americans can't convict anyone of violent
> crime, even when they record the incident on video tape?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yes, you mean the guy that stabbed the tennis player.
}
} Well, he did get off Scot-free, but if he'd stabbed a German,
} he'd have been in Dutch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a French cruller.


600-09    (6fi93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle...What are the seven wonders of the modern world?  I
> know Dolly Parton is three and four, but I can't remember the rest...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dolly Parton may be a wonder of the world, but she is certainly not
} two. I detect a double-entendre here; tsk tsk.
}
} At any rate, the seven wonders of the modern world are:
}
} 1) a cafe in Minneapolis, across the highway from the Sculpture
} Gardens, which consists of four large rooms with amazingly high
} ceilings, rather overdone, gaudy decor, including an amazing number of
} plants, an eclectic collection of furniture constantly filled with
} people, and the strangest, most impressive mix of alternative/freak
} types for hundreds of miles around.
}
} 2) Wong Kei, a Chinese restaurant in London (near Leicester Square),
} which is made up of three floors, including one where you sit at a
} table with seven other people, and the paper table covering is divided
} into quarter-circles so that part of it can be cleared off while the
} six remaining people eat.  The waiters are infamous for their rudeness,
} from the cattle-like way you are herded to your floor and table to the
} way they look away from you as they take your order to the way they
} quickly drop your plates loudly in front of you.  It's good food, by
} the way, and cheap for London.
}
} 3) yes, Dolly Parton.
}
} 4) the Calumet Theater in Calumet, in the far upper peninsula in
} Michigan.  Built with city money when Calumet contained 80,000 people
} in the height of the copper rush, it now sits in the middle of a
} practical ghost town of 800 people in deepest BFE.  The curtain, seats,
} and walls are all amazingly cool and beautiful.
}
} 5) the train ride from Prague to Berlin, which passes along a river
} through a deep valley, with cliffs on both sides, nearly the entire
} trip.
}
} 6) The French Quarter of New Orleans.
}
} 7) The Chocolate Vault, Tecumseh, Michigan (a bit more than an hour
} southwest of Detroit).  In a building built in the 19th century, which
} was a bank until a few years ago.  Marble countertop, vintage ads and
} photographs on the walls.  The best chocolate ice cream in existence,
} and Cokes of ten different flavors (the Oracle recommends the lemon).


600-10    (9dab8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TEll me oracle, do you have a ham radio?.....or is it another pork
> product?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, alas, there have been no hams on my radio since radio
} drama ceased. Ah, those were the days....
}
} [*-*-*-*-*] (Sorry, but the time-travel sound effect doesn't
}              work on your terminal.)
}
} [Slam! Trudge, trudge, trudge, creak!, trudge. Knock! Knock!]
}
} Just a minute!
}
} [Walk, walk, click, creak.]
}
} Hello. What can I do for you?
}
} This is Captain Oracle, ma'am. We've had reports of
}
} [Slam!]
}
} disturbing activity
}
} [Muffled] I don't know anything! Go away!
}
} in your -- Hmm! What a strange lady!
}
} [Trudge, trudge, trudge, creak!]
}
} [Thud!]
}
} Eh?
}
} [Thud! ThudThudThudThud!!!! Thud!]
}
} This bears looking into; I'll go around the back.
}
} [Trudge, trudge, trudge, rustle.]
}
} [Thud! ThudThudThudThud!!!! Thud!]
}
} Halt! In the Name of the Oracle!
}
} [High-pitched squeak] It's a fair cop, Orrie. Got me this time.
}
} And as for you, in the house there, the penalty for
} harboring a woodchuck is...
}
} [Muffled] No! No! Have mercy!
}
} <Zot!> [Crackle sizzle rumble crunch]
} [*-*-*-*-*]
}
} You owe the Oracle some better dialogue.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org