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Internet Oracularities #603

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603, 603-01, 603-02, 603-03, 603-04, 603-05, 603-06, 603-07, 603-08, 603-09, 603-10


Usenet Oracularities #603    (48 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1993 18:28:24 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   603
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

603   48 votes 7eh73 18bdf 6bic1 6cba9 55je5 2go51 12fic 2gk82 17kh3 p9680
603   3.0 mean  2.7   3.7   2.8   3.1   3.2   2.7   3.8   2.8   3.3   1.9


603-01    (7eh73 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, what are we to do about cats?  My cats tell lies to me,
> and they tell them to you as well!   I asked a question for my one of
> my cats, and you replied (in part):
>
> } [Mrrow, pd pd pd pd Miaaaouw miaoou miiiaouw brip!]
> }
> } You owe the Oracle a catnip mouse with 3 buttons.
> }
> } By the way, your cat says you should be a little quicker
> } when she tells you to open the door.
>
> Now this cat KNOWS that she is not allowed into the house AT ALL!  But
> she is still curious about what's inside (besides the inevitable cup
> of water that sloshes onto any incoming cat).  So you went and
> listened to her, and she lied to you, and asked you to tell me that I
> should be *quicker* (indeed!) when I open the door *for her*
> (indeed!!).
>
> Do you have ideas by which you and I, dear Oracle, can better tell
> when our cats are pulling the fur over our eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (the Oracle's tail lashes back and forth)
}
} Well. It is good that you are asking questions for the cats who live
} with you. However, cats do not lie. Lying requires an objective version
} of truth. Cats have a rather subjective version of truth. Human
} philosophers are moving towards this, but cats achieved this
} intellectual goal long ago.
}
} I also doubt that the cat in question is actually *curious*. The cat
} has alreadly worked out, in all likelihood, exactly what is in the
} house, based on observations of the heat emissions, structural
} stresses, and electricity usage of the house. Cats are subtle about
} these things, however. She pretends to be curious in hopes that it will
} encourage you to let her in. It doesn't seem to be working.
}
} As far as cats pulling the wool over your eyes, though: don't worry
} about it. The cats that live with you have a far better idea of what's
} good for you than you do. Simply allow 'the wool' (as you put it) to be
} 'pulled.' And please stop referring to them as 'your' cats: they live
} with you because it suits them. Cats are very proud to not be owned by
} anyone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scratch behind the ears and a saucer of milk.
} (the Oracle stretches out and lies in the sun)


603-02    (18bdf dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great net oracle, please tell me what it means to be a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I hate ambiguous questions.
}
}   Q1. What is it to be a human?
}   A1. Well, everybody tells you you're the pinnacle of creation / the
} apex of evolution, and then they offer you starvation wages to wear a
} paper hat and ask people if they want potatos boiled in oil.  So you
} sit in rooms and other people tell you things, and you write them
} down, and then later they ask you what they said, and you tell them.
} Then you get a document written on a simulation of the skin of an
} animal renowned for placid stupidity, and then other people will pay
} you a fair bit of money to do something totally unrelated to all the
} stuff they talked about in the rooms, earlier.  There is not, in fact,
} a point to all this.  It's just the way things are set up.
}
}   Q2. What is it to be a REAL man, a MANLY man?
}   A2. Ideally, you'd be Conan the Barbarian.  To paraphrase, the best
} things in life are "to crush your enemies; to drive them before you;
} and to hear the lamentations of the women."  In the modern world, this
} is seldom an option; if you get promoted over the guy in the next
} cube, it's considered poor form to kick down the door of his apartment
} and gloat over the sobs of his wife and daughter.  [If you CAN get
} away with it, go for it, by all means.]  So stick with the crushing
} and driving part.  Another Conanism is you must not show pain or fear.
} Ethanol helps a lot.  People like Robert Bly will also tell you that
} you must resolve your relationship with your father.  The best way to
} do this is to have your father die at the hands of another; you then
} hunt this person down and decapitate them.  From this we may infer
} that if your Dad dies of cancer or something you won't have anybody to
} hunt down.  Probably the right thing to do is go find somebody you
} don't like and kill HIS father.  With any luck he'll reciprocate, and
} then the two of you can fight it out like men.  MANLY men.
}
}   Q3. What's it like to be a man, as opposed to being a woman?
}   A3. It's a lot easier to take a whiz while hiking.
}
} You owe the Oracle a broadsword, a remote-control TV, a six-pack, and
} a tube of K-Y.


603-03    (6bic1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose ideas bounce around the universe like some wonderful
> vulcanized ball of knowledge,  please tell me:
>
> These new celluar phones - are they alive?  The name sounds like those
> single-celled amoebas and protazoas and planetariums that they made us
> learn about in Biology.
>
> If they are alive, what do they eat? Also, when I get mine, what are
> the most popluar names?
>
> Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Gloria, in English class they should have taught you about
} names like protozoa and planaria. Anyway, my love, I am disappointed
} that you are getting a cellular phone. You see, "cellular" refers
} not to single-celled animals, but rather to animals with a single
} brain cell, like lawyers and stock brokers.
}
} P.S. We have to stop meeting like this - Lisa is getting suspicious.


603-04    (6cba9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HellO and Well Met, UnCHangable WOnderful Oraclular Deity,
>
>   WOULD A WOrld renOwneD CHampion Utterer, like you, aCKnowledge my
> CHance to Use your blaCK aIrcraFt? Ask What yOu wOulD, CHarles mUndy,
> my baCKup aCcOUntant, wouLD like to send a CHeqUe for enough buCKs to
> cover costs.
>
> ps
>
> i Was wOndering, has anyOne ever slippeD you a subliminal question ?
>
>                       signed - the anti-oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh silly GOose...i do Think that yOu try to Hard...a subliminal mEssage
} is Like a Little mosquito bite to YOUrs trueLy...IT Takes LittlE SucH
} an InfinimaTessimal amount of my mental energies to notice these little
} harrasements....Zo...i think i shOuld just Thank you...
}
} you owe the oracle,
} one good spanking


603-05    (55je5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Enlightened and Most Powerful Oracle,
>
> why would a perfectly good battery just
> give up and die, and with no warning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good GOD!  The tragedy!  Oh supplicant, your negligence is...
} nevermind. There's no time for blame right now.  Try not to get in the
} way, a battery life is at stake.
}
} [Draws charger out, thrusts battery in.]
}
} CLEAR!!!
}
} [Turns on the charger, then takes battery out, puts it into walkman.
} Presses play, and nothing happens.]
}
} Oh no.  No sound.  Not one single note.  But we've got to think
} positive. Well, positive AND negative, but there's no time for
} semantics now.
}
} [Puts battery back into charger, with a desperate and pleading look
} upward to the heavens...]
}
} CLEAR!!!
}
} Come on... come on, pull through, you can do it!
}
} [Moves battery back into walkman, hits play.  From the headphones emits
} a slow drawn out verse - "Thhheeee   Riiiiggghhhhttt t
} Stuuf.ffff..ff..ff...f...", ending in total silence, as the battery
} fades out of this world forever.]
}
} Oh dear.  Oh no.  It's dying... how terrible... the agony...  Oh, the
} battery!
}
} This is the part of the job I hate.  All that POTENTIAL... just
} wasted... and I watched it happen.  Makes me feel so fluxing helpless.
}
} Nothing can be done for this poor cell now.  It is time to tell you of
} your cruel crime of ignorance.
}
} Supplicant, you just carelessly left that walkman playing because you
} "forgot" to press stop the last time you were listening to it.  As a
} result, the music was left playing OVERNIGHT, without anyone listening
} to it at all!
}
} No warning, you say?  Oh, how ironic.  Of COURSE there was warning!  It
} was screaming for help all night, not only because it was having its
} life slowly drained from it, but this was all being done for the
} purpose of playing A NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK TAPE!  Talk about adding
} insult to injury!
}
} Much like the buffalo hunters who shot the buffalo from trains to leave
} them dying unused in the sun, you are a wasteful murderer.  You did not
} kill that battery for any useful purpose, but merely because of your
} own carelessness.
}
} There is only one thing that you can do now.  You must try to make it's
} death somewhat WORTHWHILE, and like the Native Americans, you must "use
} what you kill".  Honor the battery by slitting it open, and either eat
} the contents or use the liquid inside to paint your face with war
} markings.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of a more recent music group to use as the
} butt of jokes than NKOTB.


603-06    (2go51 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, for whom the bell tolls and for whom the pizza
> delivery boy is there within THREE minutes, please assist this humble
> mortal.
>
> Wherefore art thou Romeo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Hmm... Well, the answer depends on which question you meant. In
} _Romeo and Juliet_, the question Juliet is asking really means
} something like "Why are you Romeo ?" (as opposed to, say, Bubba or Jim-
} Bob). Most people seem to think, however, that the question means
} "Where are you, Romeo ?". So I'll answer both.
}
}     In answer to the first question, they wanted to call him Jim-Bob,
} but it just didn't sound Italian enough. So Romeo's mother was
} staring out the window, trying to think of a name for the kid, and
} happened to spot "Ristorante Romeo" down the street. I know, it's not
} much of a story, but weren't most people named like that.
}
}     As for the second question, well, what Shakespeare didn't tell
} you is that Romeo and Juliet faked their deaths (the old retractable
} dagger trick), then took of for Vegas to get married. They're living
} in a trailer park in South Carolina at the moment.
}
}     You owe the Oracle Shakespeare's original manuscript of _Elvis
} the First, Part Two_.
}
}     P.S.: Usually the Oracle's pizza is delivered in three minutes,
} but I've been waiting over ten minutes already this time. Call Uno's
} in Chicago for me and tell them they've got two minutes to get busy,
} or face the (rather horrific) consequences.


603-07    (12fic dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Suddenly, my shirt was full and my pants empty!
>
> There I was, peacefully getting ready to go out on a Friday night,
> and just like that! I'm a female.
>
> Well, I can tell you, I was pretty surprised,  but I'm a quick
> thinker, and I realized, first of all, I might not be the only one,
> and even if I was, maybe that petite blonde down the hall liked
> girls (she sure as heck didn't like the *guy* I had been up until a
> few minutes ago).
>
> So, I went and knocked on her door.
>
> She was a six-foot tall stud!
>
> Boy did he look funny! Her clothes were too small for him, and they
> had kind of exploded and ripped all over!
>
> Well, I'm as straight as they come, so I had a moment of revulsion,
> but I figured, hey, look at the body I've got now, this is what I'm
> *supposed* to do, so I said,
> "Here, let me help you with that,"
>
> And what a time we had! Let me tell you, when both partners know
> what it's like to be on the other side of the fence, you can really
> have yourselves some fun!
>
> Sunday evening, we changed back -- right in the middle of it,
> without missing a beat -- that was wild!
>
> We've been dating ever since, and that's going just fine, thank you,
> but there's one little problem, and I think it's getting bigger.
>
> I'm pregnant.
>
> What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of Eddie Clontz, Editor
} Weekly World News
} 600S East Coast Ave
} Lantana, FL 33462
}
}               *******  SEX SWAP SHOCKER!  *******
}    College students chromosome mixup leaves young man pregnant!
}
}   For  one mind-boggling  weekend,  college  students  at   a large
} Midwestern  university swapped  sexes in a genetic experiment whose
} source is thought to have been a cosmic disturbance centered at the
} computer center of Indiana University.
}   Experts postulate that  The Usenet +-----------------------------
} Oracle, electronic  diety  and sage, |   Surprisingly  enough, just
} was responsible for the sex-reversal | one student  was impregnated
} of several  hundred  students.  "You | during  the experiment.  But
} have to  understand  that the job of | now,  experts  claim,   this
} the Usenet Oracle is pretty hideous" | student was turned back into
} Oracle  expert  Dr. I. D.  Mistertim | a  male  at  the end  of the
} told  reporters.  "Every  day, some- | bizarre  weekend!   When re-
} thing like  500 requests  for advice | porters spoke  with him,  he
} on how to get  laid  come from  male | replied  that he had been in
} Computer Science students.  It seems | touch with the Usenet Oracle
} that  The Oracle  has taken business | who  advised him to  write a
} into His own Hands."                 | book,   hit  the  talk  show
}   Some  700 students' sexes were re- | circuit, and  set up a trust
} versed during  the  shocking experi- | fund  for  the kid's college
} ment,  and  everyone   involved  was | education.
} eager to get a taste  of what it was |   The  Usenet  Oracle  could
} like on "the other side."            | not be reached for comment.
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} ...you owe the Oracle a swatch of fat from Oprah's thighs.


603-08    (2gk82 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, who can speak every known human language and
> whose database management tools are to Gopher as a well-indexed
> encyclopedia is to a scroll in the library of Alexandria, I beg your
> indulgence for a first time supplicant.
>
> In a recent book about the Internet (I will not give the title and
> author, to protect the innocent), a reference is made to "pubic domain"
> software. I'm sure many supplicants would like to know where to find
> some of this. Being married myself, I'm not (very) interested, of
> course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's not knock those scrolls in the old Library of Alexandria.  The
} oracle wrote a fair number of them, and, though representing some of my
} earliest and least humorous work, I was quite proud of them at the
} time. Just goes to show you that even when you make backups diligently,
} unless you store them in another location, you could still be up the
} creek.  In fact, I was finally persuaded to perfect my zot to deal with
} that idiot librarian who paid off the fire inspector rather than
} install a sprinkler system.
}
} Pubic Domain software is relatively easy to come by.  Though the oracle
} shares the preferences of the most jaded for hard pubic wear, you might
} try world.std.com/archives/alt.sex.bondage for starters.
}
} You owe the Oracle 500 words on the theme "Spell Checkers no more make
} an editor than a Podium makes a speaker"


603-09    (17kh3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise n' Witty Oracle, whose answers are the bright point in my
> miserable existance and whose scorn is better than the praise of
> mortals, please answer the following question for your
> oh-so-humble-and-pathetic supplicant:
>
> There is a day in the future of the world that I dread with all my
> heart ... a day which I hope will never come ... a day in which I have
> promised to marry a man I don't like, go slalom skiing, take my
> vacation in France, go to law school, and eat a dead worm on a bet.  O
> All-Knowing Oracle, please tell me the exact date that pigs will fly,
> so that I may hide myself away from the world on the day before.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh sufficiently-humble-and-pathetic supplicant,  I understand
} your anxiety completely.  I once made a statement to Lisa that I'd
} take orders from her the day those semi-evolved simians infesting that
} miserable little blue-green planet you call home walk on their moon; an
} event I was SURE would never happen...  Of course, it did.  And, now I
} have to take orders from Lisa all the time.
}       I'm sure you thought you were equally safe in making statements
} that you'd do something you never want to do "when pigs fly".  However,
} you are only safe for a short time.  Yes, that's right, pigs will fly,
} without the aid of an airplane or other mechanical device of course,
} and in your lifetime.  On August 8, 2004, a genetic research student
} will cross a pig with a chicken, as part of his doctoral project.  This
} new Flying Pig, as it will be dubbed, will soar through the air,
} grunting and snorting and crapping on unsuspecting people below.  And,
} it will produce the most DIVINE tasting bacon...
}       So, you are safe for another 10 - 11 years, then I'm afraid
} you'll have to live up to your promises which you never thought you'd
} have to keep...  You SHOULD have said you'd do those things "when
} Hell freezes over".  That is a much safer statment, as Hell doesn't
} freeze over until September 20, 4042.  And, you'll be long dead by
} then, anyway, so you won't care (although it will be a bit chilly
} for you around that time).
}
} You owe the Oracle a Southern Fried Flying Pig's Wing.


603-10    (p9680 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Howdy !
} Is this the famous forgery of email what I learned on 3. day
} since I saw Unix ?
} You should try not to send me 2 letters of same kind !
} If you want me to send you something beautiful, like warning
} from root, ...
} It's not so funny around here anymore. Some have already
} received letters from USS Enterprise and so on.
} Reply Needed ! <xxxxxx@siil.edu.ee>


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