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Internet Oracularities #604

Goto:
604, 604-01, 604-02, 604-03, 604-04, 604-05, 604-06, 604-07, 604-08, 604-09, 604-10


Usenet Oracularities #604    (52 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 16:20:58 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   604
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

604   52 votes 5ai8b 0cdha 6eed5 4gma0 4cif3 4bo85 69n95 39ig6 dde93 bcbf3
604   3.0 mean  3.2   3.5   2.9   2.7   3.0   3.0   3.0   3.2   2.5   2.8


604-01    (5ai8b dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What *can't* you do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       What can't you do with a drunken sailor?
}       What can't you do with a drunken sailor?
}       What can't you do with a drunken sailor?
}       Early in the morning?
}
}       Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts!
}       Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts!
}       Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts!
}       Early in the morning!
}
}       Make him talk to Sally Struthers!
}       Make him talk to Sally Struthers!
}       Make him talk to Sally Struthers!
}       Early in the morning!
}
}       Tell him not to puke all over!
}       Tell him not to puke all over!
}       Tell him not to puke all over!
}       Early in the morning!
}
}       Can't do those things with a drunken sailor!
}       Every attempt will end in failure!
}       You owe the Oracle a brand new mailer!
}       Early in the morning!


604-02    (0cdha dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> `1234567890-=\
> qwertyuiop[]
> asdfghjkl;'
> zxcvbnm,./
>
> ~!@#$%^&*()_+|
> QWERTYUIOP{}
> ASDFGHJKL:"
> ZXCVBNM<>?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, it's a Question Construction Set!  Kind of makes the whole thing
} more interactive, doesn't it?  Instead of being a mundane observe/react
} experience like most questions, it gives ME an opportunity to be part
} of the creation process, by giving me everything I need to make my own
} questions!
}
} Thanks!  I think I'll try it out!  Now what will you ask...
}
} > Oh Oracle most wise and omniscient, who can say "She sells C shells
} > by the C shore" ten times fast without getting tongue tied... who
} > knows every smiley in the smiley dictionary offhand :P, who knows the
} > difference between i++ and ++i... please answer this query!!!
} >
} > "Bad boys, bad boys...
} >  Whatcha gonna do?
} >  Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"
}
} Well, I didn't actually MAKE that question, it was one of the demo
} questions that came with the set, just to show you what you could
} potentially make. But isn't it COOL?  Let's try it again!
}
} > Yo, I'm chillin!  And right here is my main man... my ace in the
} > HOLE... my remote CONTROL... my tuna casseROLE... my hockey GOAL...
} > my Santa at the North POLE... the UseNet oraCLE!
} >
} > Anyways, I was wondering what was going to happen to the Orange Juice
} > market in the near future.  I'm considering making an investment.
}
} Hey, that was wacky and humorous!  Notice the total dichotomy between
} the tone of the first half and the second half!
}
} Er, I have to admit I didn't make that one, it was a demo too.  But in
} just a second I'll sit down and make one myself.  It's going to be so
} great!  Just watch!  All I have to do is click on the topics I want,
} run it through the automatic question generation system, and I've
} created my own question!
}
} > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
}
} Arrrrrrgh!  They made it look so EASY to create good humorous
} questions! I'll never be able to do this.  Think I'll try another one
} of those demos.
}
} > Oh mighty Oracle, who answers questions even when they make no
} > semantic sense at all, why are some supplicants such complete and
} > total MORONS?
}
} I wish I knew how they made those demos.  Couldn't have said it better
} myself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Adventure Construction Set, Pinball
} Construction Set, Racing Destruction Set, and every other program
} Electronic Arts ever made for the Commodore 64.


604-03    (6eed5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you explain the mysterious popularity of Billy Joel?? Could he be
> the Anti-Christ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, because there's only one Antichrist, and Bill Gates has applied for
} the post.  It's really obvious.  Whenever you install a M$ product on a
} computer, all the speed goes straight to hell.
}
} You owe the Oracle a harder question.


604-04    (4gma0 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who is brighter than a new penny and smarter than a
> $1000 suit, please answer for your humble supplicant one more question:
>
> When I was a child, my parents gave out candy to literally DOZENS of
> children each Halloween.  Last year, I had only 10 children come by to
> get candy.  This year, I had only 4.  And I was giving out packages of
> Oreos, to boot!  What is happening to the wonderful holiday that used
> to be Halloween?
>
> signed,
>       ghoul-less in Seattle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Contrary to popular belief, Halloween's fate is not a natural thing. A
} lot of people think so, saying things like, "With all the sickos out
} there, it's no wonder that no one lets their children go out for
} Halloween." This just isn't it. It's actually a lot more complicated
} than that.
}
} There are a lot of strange and inexplicable forces out there. Examples
} include Ross Perot and Microsoft, but there are others. Just take the
} Internet itself. Pretty weird, if you ask me.
}
} But, of course, this is nothing compared with the most sinister force
} of all: the woodchucks. In addition to making attempts on the Oracle,
} they have been shooting for greater recognition in the public arenas.
} Their biggest publicity comes, of course, on Groundhog Day, and they
} have been working on a campaign to get lots of recognition for an
} otherwise second-rate holiday.
}
} Anyways, back to Halloween. This has been a pretty big "for the kids"
} type of holiday, up until pretty recently, and many people have fond
} memories of it. The woodchucks picked up on the fact that a lot of
} people had fond childhood memories of Halloween, and figured this was
} their chance. (Why not Christmas? Well, the biggest reason is the Santa
} Claus management has a tendency to be pretty territorial, and let's
} just say that woodchucks look bad in concrete galoshes.)
}
} So, the woodchucks have been sabotaging Halloween, with things like
} poisoned candy rumors (actually, they never *needed* to poison
} anyone... they have pretty good media ties, and a few well-placed leaks
} worked just as well). The master plan is for Halloween to eventually
} become a vestigial holiday. When that happens, they are planning on
} introducing the idea of "Groundhog Gifts" given to people who come to
} the door. Of course, they are after more than candy with this one.
} Recent information has come to light which reveals there are
} distributors poised to offer specialized cords of wood just for the
} Groundhog Gift ceremony, complete with hand axe and chopping block.
}
} So there you have it--the groundhogs are trying to muscle in on the
} Halloween action.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _JFK_, a listing of all the MIAs in
} Vietnam, and a dissertation on the *real* reason that Windows is so
} popular.


604-05    (4cif3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super, scrumptious, sublimely, sedacious Oracle of the widespread
> Usenet, please narrate unto me the amount of Oracles it takes to
> change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As all omnipotent beings, the Oracle is one and only one being (but
} what a being!). However, the Oracle of course has multitasking
} abilities, and can therefore create an unlimited number of virtual
} Oracles that can do the same things that it does (albeit a bit slower).
} So, the amounts of Oracles needed to change a lightbulb is therefore
} dependant of the time that is allotted to the task. A typical virtual
} Oracle can perform at about 12.2 Mbulbs/sec, so if you want to change a
} lightbulb on, say 6 usecs, it would require 2 virtual Oracles. This
} time/performance relationship is valid up until 26 virtual Oracles,
} when the overhead gets to big, everbody coredumps and WWIII breaks out
} (that usually happens when omnipotent beings coredump). So don't try to
} push that lightbulb change!
}
} You owe the Oracle a stopwatch and 8 Gb of swapspace


604-06    (4bo85 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the evil Microsoftians plotting this week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Evil Microsoftians are planning to replace the Oracle with
} some sort of ridiculous e-mail setup where your questions go to random
} suckers who have to answer them.
}       But don't worry.  When Billy-boy finds out about the curious
} images that I hid in the Chicago code, he'll think twice about trying
} to make to Oracle obsolete.
}       You owe me a nude GIF of Bill Gates.


604-07    (69n95 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> YiKes@!  mY TermiNAl hAs GoNe BErSeRk!  HeLp mE!  GlUBb gLuBB!  i CaN'T
> sWiM! AcK! GaCk!  IT's tRyiNg To KiLl mE!  WhAt CAn I dO??  BLiCk
> blIck!  OUcH! DoN't Do ThAt, iT HuRts!  oHnO!  iT hAS A HoLD oF Me!  I
> cAn'T gEt aWaY! GuRgLe, SPutTer, gLuBTer, ShIWisH  <silence>
>
> I AM PERFECTLY FINE NOW.
> DO NOT CALL THE AUTHORITIES.
> I WAS MERELY BONDING WITH MY WONDERFUL COMPUTER.
> I REPEAT - DO NOT CALL THE AUTHORITIES.
> I AM FINE NOW.
> IN FACT I AM BETTER THAN FINE, I COULD RULE THE WORLD NOW.
> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
> PLEASE DISREGARD PREVIOUS MESSAGE.
> I AM FINE.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Egads!  Another case of terminal possession!
}
} Begone, ye vast and dark spirit!  Begone lest ye feel the wrath of
} the Oracle!
}
} There, that ought to convince the yokels.  Now, come on, Nick, and
} leave the newbies alone.  They've got enough problems.  Remember I've
} still got those pictures of you and Mary Magdalene... you don't want
} it to get out that all you did with her was *pray*, do you?)


604-08    (39ig6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh heavenly Oracle,
>
>       "Always Coca-Cola"?  Mine never lasts more than five minutes.
> What the heck is this supposed to mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suppliant, by taking the words out of context you have missed the
} entire Zen of Coke.
}
} The sun will always shine
} The birds will always sing
} Wherever there is fun
} Always Coca-Cola
} Doo doo doo doo doo doo
} Doo doo doo - dee doo doo
} Doo doo doo doo doo doo
} Doo doo - doo doo doo doo
}
} If you meditate on the "doo doo" bit you will know the true meaning of
} Coke.
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to paradise, because he is packing his
} bags and leaving tonight.


604-09    (dde93 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                              ,+*^^*+___+++_
>                        ,*^^^^              )
>                     _+*                     ^**+_
>                   +^       _ _++*+_+++_,         )
>       _+^^*+_    (     ,+*^ ^          \+_        )
>      {       )  (    ,(    ,_+--+--,      ^)      ^\
>     { (@)    } f   ,(  ,+-^ __*_*_  ^^\_   ^\       )
>    {:;-/    (_+*-+^^^^^+*+*<_ _++_)_    )    )      /
>   ( /  (    (        ,___    ^*+_+* )   <    <      \
>    U _/     )    *--<  ) ^\-----++__)   )    )       )
>     (      )  _(^)^^))  )  )\^^^^^))^*+/    /       /
>   (      /  (_))_^)) )  )  ))^^^^^))^^^)__/     +^^
>  (     ,/    (^))^))  )  ) ))^^^^^^^))^^)       _)
>   *+__+*       (_))^)  ) ) ))^^^^^^))^^^^^)____*^
>   \             \_)^)_)) ))^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^)
>    (_             ^\__^^^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^^^^)
>      ^\___            ^\__^^^^^^))^^^^^^^^)\\
>           ^^^^^\uuu/^^\uuu/^^^^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\
>              ___) >____) >___   ^\_\_\_\_\_\_\)
>             ^^^//\\_^^//\\_^       ^(\_\_\_\)
>               ^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^
>
>  buk buk buk buk buk
> "Hey, that's a chicken sound, turkey!"
>
>  >>>SQUAWK!<<

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Next time ask a QUESTION birdbrain!
}
} You owe me some stuffing.


604-10    (bcbf3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and ethical, could you enlighten us ( and the US
> Senate ) regarding this touchy-feely subject.
>
>      How much woody did Packwood pack, if Packwood did pack woody?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  A question that you asked has been selected for
} inclusion in the Oracle's 100 worst questions list.  It received an
} average rating of 0.003 on a scale of 0 to 1000 with votes from
} participating Priests, Deities and other Immortals.  Your question
} ranked #37.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that non-Americans might understand.


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