} Contrary to popular belief, Halloween's fate is not a natural thing. A
} lot of people think so, saying things like, "With all the sickos out
} there, it's no wonder that no one lets their children go out for
} Halloween." This just isn't it. It's actually a lot more complicated
} than that.
} There are a lot of strange and inexplicable forces out there. Examples
} include Ross Perot and Microsoft, but there are others. Just take the
} Internet itself. Pretty weird, if you ask me.
} But, of course, this is nothing compared with the most sinister force
} of all: the woodchucks. In addition to making attempts on the Oracle,
} they have been shooting for greater recognition in the public arenas.
} Their biggest publicity comes, of course, on Groundhog Day, and they
} have been working on a campaign to get lots of recognition for an
} otherwise second-rate holiday.
} Anyways, back to Halloween. This has been a pretty big "for the kids"
} type of holiday, up until pretty recently, and many people have fond
} memories of it. The woodchucks picked up on the fact that a lot of
} people had fond childhood memories of Halloween, and figured this was
} their chance. (Why not Christmas? Well, the biggest reason is the Santa
} Claus management has a tendency to be pretty territorial, and let's
} just say that woodchucks look bad in concrete galoshes.)
} So, the woodchucks have been sabotaging Halloween, with things like
} poisoned candy rumors (actually, they never *needed* to poison
} anyone... they have pretty good media ties, and a few well-placed leaks
} worked just as well). The master plan is for Halloween to eventually
} become a vestigial holiday. When that happens, they are planning on
} introducing the idea of "Groundhog Gifts" given to people who come to
} the door. Of course, they are after more than candy with this one.
} Recent information has come to light which reveals there are
} distributors poised to offer specialized cords of wood just for the
} Groundhog Gift ceremony, complete with hand axe and chopping block.
} So there you have it--the groundhogs are trying to muscle in on the
} Halloween action.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _JFK_, a listing of all the MIAs in
} Vietnam, and a dissertation on the *real* reason that Windows is so