Goto:

605, 605-01, 605-02, 605-03, 605-04, 605-05, 605-06, 605-07, 605-08, 605-09, 605-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me, if I was born on 22nd december 1970, how old would I be, what > would my starsign be, and what occupation would I be

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'd be Sagittarius / Capricorn cusp, 22 years old, and bored CS } geek. } } Actually, your chart is a little more complex than one would expect. } Not only is the Sun straddling the border of the zodiac, you were born } under the rare and outre quadruple conjunction of Pluto, Venus, Mars, } and Landsat I.  Ergo, you will be beaten to death for trying to take } candid pictures. } } You owe the Oracle an orrery.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what time is it

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's time for you to learn a decent grovel, you gravy-sucking, milk- } swilling, blouse-wearing, poodle-walking, doorknob-friendly, fern-bar- } patronizing, my-girlfriend-wears-sensible-shoes, Oh-I'm-way-too-stupid- } to-remember-my-SWATCH-so-let's-use-up-some-of-that-free-bandwidth-that- } Bill-and-Al-are-hawking-all-over-creation, Amiga-using, Betamax-buying, } quadraphonic-owning, Yugo-driving, Woodchuck-loving, crossdressing- } Lisa-impersonating, Evian-gurgling, tush-pushing, Barney-worshipping, } ThighMaster-pumping, FlowBee-hairdressing, Oldies-sweatin', Chevy- } Chase-watching, Porkarina-tootin', Pickin'-and-Grinnin', Home- } Shopping-Channel-surfing, Dukes-of-Hazard-watching, Ross-Perot- } quoting, Bible-biting, snake-dancing, Big-Bear-hugging, World- } Wrestling-Federation-joining, Bevis-and-Butthead-emulating, Program- } imitating, Body-Chicken-playing, 900-Psychic-phoning, Achy-Breaky- } Twangy-Itchy-Twitchy-scratch-n-sniffing, Llama-riding, Brother-Jedd- } and-Sister-Cindy-licking, Wallowing-in-LAMENESS, Snoodling, Wool-Sock- } and-Birkenstock-wearin', Jerky-Camera-Dockers-Filming, Good-songs-we- } loved-in-our-youth-commercializing, shirt-lifting, Gerbil-stuffing, } Denny's-waiter PINK BOY! } } The Oracle requires that as penance you are engaged in a twelve-hour } naked wesson oil tag team match with Howard Stern and Hillary Clinton } with Jesse Helms refereeing. } } At the tone the time will be 9:12 PM.  You're welcome.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great-o Oracle, it just dawned on me!  The sun rises in the east! > How utterly and stupendously amazing, wouldn't you say? > > No, I guess you wouldn't.  WHICH BRINGS ME TO...where?  I forget.  Not > like it matters.  Not like you care about me the tiniest bit.  Oh, the > horror. Sometimes I wonder if you have an ethnocentrism node at at! > (Ohhhhhhh'mmmmmmmm scay-yared! [Oh, I'm scared.])

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting and multifaceted question.  You vastly underestimate } the Oracle, but I will forgive you, knowing that you are only human } (as opposed to aquatic, where some of the world's most intelligent } mammals live -- See _So_Long_and_Thanks_for_All_the_Fish_, a book that } I placed in the mind of D**gl*s *d*ms while he was monitoring } alt.fiction.story.ideas-mystical.  Now perhaps you understand why it } counteracts most of the rest of the Hitchiker "trilogy" and is written } in a completely different style, besides.  Somehow, I never could get } a feel for absurdity. . . But I digress.) } } Your question implied that I, an entity of vast proportions and of } even vaster mind (as Marvin would say, "A brain the size of the planet, } and they want me to open the door." -- I wrote that bit, too) am } concerned with such human characteristics as race.   For all their } bragging about their superiority, humans are the only species on earth } to make such artificial differentiations.  Wolves base their social } hierarchy on strength and dominance, and their cousins, domesticated } dogs, don't consider color, breed, or even size when making their } matches.  (Doberman-chihuahuas?  It could happen.)  Only the human is } petty enough to consider that the amount of melanin in your skin or } the texture of your hair or the shape of your eyes should indicate } anything other than purely incidental characteristics.  And, as I've } already indicated, since the Oracle is not human -- in fact, not even } corporal -- there is no reason why I would discriminate based on } such ridiculous differences (now, if you want me to differentiate on } "brain size," I'd be happy to accomodate). } } And to your first question, why the sun rises in the east. . . other } than purely aesthetic reasons, I think it was so that China could be } named "The Land of the Rising Sun."  But I haven't checked with that } other great Entity since the Great Flood (anyone who would get rid } of unicorns simply because they wouldn't pay the "cover charge" is } definitely a creature with a lot of learning to do -- besides, ever } since I beat Him at a game of chess, he's been extremely annoyed. } Why do you think he created sex?  He wanted everyone else in the } universe to be just as frustrated as he was.). } } You owe the Oracle a life-sized map of the Earth.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and all knowing oracle, who's skin is never breached by > Lisa's sharp tongue.  Who's knowledge of tactics far outweighs my own. > Who has won the Star Fleet Battles Gold Hat at least once..... > >       How can a Klingon F5V overcome a Fed FFL?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Yes, certainly a very challenging encounter, and it was at least } mildly entertaining for mine own omnicience. The key here is the } understanding of the tertiary application of the Cochrane equations } when extended to the high multi-phase dimentions. You see, the Klingon } F5V was designed with a plasma injector unit specifically intended to } exploit the subspace abberations associated with the Brontsky } phenomenon. While you know that this design has been proven to be } inferior to the Federation designed Gaffney-Crismaden Bi-Processor } Plasma Injectors (he he, those good ole Gaffer's never fail to come } through in a pinch), the obscure investigations in sub-quark polymer } designs by the Utopia Planetia Fleet Yards on Mars point out one } potential flaw the Klingon vessel can exploit: }      Since the Klingon injectors are force fed through the EPS power } couplings, theoretically, a capable engineer could reverse the polarity } of the neutron flow with the obvious effect of immediately collapsing } the warp bubble around the Klingon ship. However, this procedure also } has a sideffect of releasing a phasic graviton pulse with a range of } about 40,000m. This pulse will have a distruptive interaction on the } cohesion of the units in the polymers contained in the Federation } injectors. Now that the Federation vessel has been disabled for at } least 2-3 minutes, quickly transfer power from the Inertial Dampening } Field system, to your Structural Integrity Field, bypassing the main } ODN junction, and force a cold reaction in the main reactor core. You } ought to have power levels capable of generating two Phased Energy } Rectification (PHASER in layman's terms) pulses, sufficient to cause a } cascading warp core breach on the Fed FFL. }     However, I caution you to engage only in this maneuver only in the } presence of one Federation vessel, for your reactor unit will have a } dowtime of about 4-6 hours. Also, avoid this manuever in sectors high } in multi-plexic matter density, as such interact unpredictably with the } phasic graviton pulse. } }      You owe the Oracle one quantum phase inverter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day God, Jesus, and the Oracle were going in to the Gods Club on > Mount Olympus when they were stopped by some feminist demonstrators > protesting the predominance of males in the pantheon. > > Each of our trio found his way blocked by a single demonstrator. > > God turned his into a pillar of salt. > > Jesus somehow talked his into washing his feet for him. > > The Oracle -- what did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} marry her } } for payment the oracle deems a you do a guest spot on oprah

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great oracle, wisest being in all of the net, wisest net in all of > the being, troublest thou with this: >  What really happens if you open the 'illegal' side of a milk carton?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thousands of tequila-crazed agents of the National Dairy Council will } descend upon your home like locusts on a field of grain, riding their } nine-foot-tall, steroid-enhanced Brahma bulls with bronze-clad hooves, } and trample your body into a lifeless red paste closely resembling } Newman's Own Vegetarian Spaghetti Sauce with Mushrooms. } } Either that or you'll spill milk all over your pants. } } You owe the Oracle 25,000 pounds of government surplus cheese and a } package of crackers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle.  The most masterful and astute entity of the > seven known universes.  I am only a mere insignificant speck > to your immense distinguished intellect.  This simple humble > peasant begs of you for your insight.  Please spare but a > moment o f your exceedingly valuable time to aid me, your > menial and insignificant servant.  The question I ask of you is: > > Will my thesis be hardware functional by the deadline of the > third of January.  Although I know I do not need to mention > any details to you, the all knowing and seeing great one, I > shall.  My thesis is a group project (seven people) building a > AGV (A utomatic Guided Vehicle).  I am one of two group > leaders. > > We have had immense trouble.  The Intel micro-controllers are > very flaky (understatement of the century).  The two people > working on the ultrasonics sensors are falling behind and > don't seem to care! > > This robot is supposed to be able to survive under harsh > conditions but at this rate it will move like a dead turtle > and be as blind as a bat (no - wait - bats use ultrasonics -- > blind as a dead rat) > > Thank you oh great one. > > I patiently await for your perceptive answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Do not give up hope, young one.  The oracle knows well the process of } AGV design, and I shall give you a new design to inspire you on } your way. } }   The oracle understands your plight, and cringes at the horrible } misdirection you have taken with Intel micro-controllers.  Have you, } my patient little student, ever heard of the great man named B.F. } Skinner?  He is the key to the successful design of your project, } which you should now entitle: }   How to fool people into believing you've build a AGV using a bunch of } small rodents and a specially designed steel box. } }   The key to succesfully pulling this project off, is to use behavioral } shaping, and plenty of litle rodent food pellets to train a group } of rats to move a rolling metal box from inside, in a strict pattern } of movement. }   Then, when it comes time to display this to whomever will actually } listen to you, just move the fake controller you've built in the } same movements that you've trained the rats to go in, and *presto* } it looks like you've got an AGV. }   Of course, you have a second steel box, which you can stuff with } wires, ic's, and a few blinky lights for good measure.  This one can } be on display after the demonstation. }   Finally, to complete the presentation, you need to find a foreign } student to be in your team who is so bad at speaking the native } language, that nobody will understand a word they say.  They can } answer any questions. } }   Below, you will find a schematic for the AGV box: } }  ############################### }  #-----------------------------# }  #I                           I# }  #I                           I<------- Pure 100% stainless steel, }  #I                           I#        for that "polished" look. }  #I     ^. .^                 I# }  #I      >.<___    ^. .^      I#<------ Thick insulation for all those }  #I      " "        >.<___    I#        nasty Environments. That pink }  #I      ^          " "       I#        panther stuff should do. }  #-------|---------------------# }    ()    |  ()      ()      ()<-------- Plastic wheels. Probably can be }          |                              taken from office chairs. }          | }          +----- Friendly little rodents. } } }   You owe the oracle many food pellets in reward.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN SPORT >       (c) 1960 Castle Music Pty, Ltd. >       Words and music by Rolf Harris > > SPOKEN: > There's an old Australian stockman, lying, dying, > and he gets himself up on one elbow, > and he turns to his mates, > who are gathered 'round him and he says: > >   G        G7      C    Am7 > Watch me wallabys feed mate. > D                 G > Watch me wallabys feed. >    G         G7      C     Am7 > They're a dangerous breed mate. >     D7                 G > So watch me wallabys feed. > Altogether now! > >  G       G7      C    Am7 > Tie me kangaroo down sport, > D7               G > tie me kangaroo down. > G         G7    C    Am7 > Tie me kangaroo down sport, > D7               G > tie me kangaroo down. > > Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl, > keep me cockatoo cool. > Don't go acting the fool, Curl, > just keep me cockatoo cool. > Altogether now! > > Take me koala back, Jack, > take me koala back. > He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac, > so take me koala back. > Altogether now! > > Let me abos go loose, Lew, > let me abos go loose. > They're of no further use, Lew, > so let me abos go loose. > Altogether now! > > Mind me platypus duck, Bill, > mind me platypus duck. > Don't let him go running amok, Bill, > mind me platypus duck. > Altogether now! > > Play your digeridoo, Blue, > play your digeridoo. > Keep playing 'til I shoot thro' Blue, > play your digerydoo. > Altogether now! > > Tan me hide when Im dead, Fred, > tan me hide when I'm dead. > So we tanned his hide when he died Clyde, > (Spoken) And that's it hanging on the shed. > Altogether now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A darkened room, filled with people sitting at tables drinking } Guiness.  A spotlight illuminates a lone figure in one corner sitting } on a barstool, strumming a guitar, and crooning Australian folksongs.] } } Guitarist:   G       G7          C         Am7 }            Watch me woodchucks chuck wood, Will, }            D                    G }            Watch me woodchucks chuck wood. }            G    G7                     C      Am7 }            No matter how much he can chuck, Will, }            D7                     G }            So watch me woodchuck chuck wood. }            Altogether now! } } [The singer stops abruptly and stares in horror as a glowing, green } tenacle snakes out of his guitar.  It flops around aimlessly for a } moment, then find the neck of the guitar, which it tears off and hurls } into the audience.  Several people scream.  A glass breaks.  The } guitarist drops his instrument and backs off.  The tentacle seeks after } him.] } } Guitarist: No!  NO!!  I didn't know <EEEeeeeurk!> } } You owe the Oracle a Kangaroo-down sports tie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Orakel, please tell me: > > Why is it that on our megaexpensive VAX/PC/Mac network, it is > impossible to print a simple ascii file?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question, my child, is really quite simple. } } The different computers simply don't like each other. } } Consider how they must feel about it: } } Vax: Thinks the world runs on DecNet. Primary users are college } hackers and computer geeks. Motto: Give us LAT protocol, or } give us death!, which explains why Dec's profit margins are falling } like a rock } } PC: MS-DOS was really part of Dante's seventh ring of Hell, we } just forgot to tell you about it. } } MAC: Let's play a game of "Hide the operating system from the user"! } The infamous "Apple Bomb" icon really represents what they should } do to the designers of this soon-to-become-a-boat-anchor. } } So, is it really any wonder why things don't print? The Vax gets the } data and says "Not a Vax, it simply doesn't count!" and discards it. } The PC gets the data, and says "I simply cannot understand the } complexity of this issue, since I'm a single-task processor", and } dumps the data. The Mac says "Ding!", shows you a bomb icon, and } sends it down the Appletalk pipeline, where it vanishes into a black } hole. } } You owe the Oracle a Coleco Adam "Home Computer", and a line printer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I say, Jeeves, old thing! What ho and a hearty pip-pip to you, > you old blot on the landscape. 'fraid I can't rise to the occ. this > time, must put on the nosebag with my uncle Lord Petham, you know, > the old sod whose eyes go billy-o at any fair fem? That's the one, > by George, you've got it.  I daresay I would very much fancy rallying > 'round the old horserace this luncheon instead. Under the circs. > you must understand, because old Petham's will hangs over me like > the regular Sword of What-his-name, don't you know?  I say, Jeeves, > is there any spirited concoction in your devious mind that would allow > me to wrestle out of tea time with this old bird without giving him > the bally-o offense. > > Very much in your debt as usual, hip hip, > > Bertie Wooster

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Orakel smiled grimly as he read the tortured prose.  The fools! } Did they think such clumsy coding would deceive the avatar of the } electronic Reich?  Simulating the quintessential English upper class } twit, such a clumsy device, with the grossest of giveaways in the } American mispelling of the noun "offence."  No, this was clearly the } work of American agents, and their plans would soon fall afoul of the } Orakel, aka Oracle, and he laughed as he realised that the imbeciles } had not even penetrated that far into his disguise. } } The message soon yielded its flimsily concealed secrets. } } Pip-pip, blot on landscape: two nuclear warheads. } Can't rise: sabotage } Put on nosebag: occlude vision and other senses. } Billy-o: goat, implying troll } Fem: French woman } George: dragon } Old horserace: balance of power } Sword: hairtrigger } Concoction: assassination by poison } Hip hip: two sidearms } Bertie Wooster: B. ****t**, President. } } Two warhead will explode over France, sabotaging long range } sensors through the E-M pulse.  Agents will then be able to troll } for information, including dragon any suspects off for questioning. } The delicate world balance of power will be dealt with by the expedient } of poison with less subtle backup if required.  The identity of the } writer was barely concealed at all. } } The Orakel paused.  Best to play safe as well.  Just in case of the } unimaginably remote possibility that this question was not what is } so plainly appeared to be, he sent off an answer: } } Feign death.  You owe the "Oracle" a more secure line.