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Internet Oracularities #605

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605, 605-01, 605-02, 605-03, 605-04, 605-05, 605-06, 605-07, 605-08, 605-09, 605-10


Usenet Oracularities #605    (41 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1993 16:28:19 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

605   41 votes 5dc92 29ag4 aad71 4bb87 d9b53 18ic2 09e8a 25hc5 37gd2 0e6h4
605   3.0 mean  2.8   3.3   2.5   3.1   2.4   3.1   3.5   3.3   3.1   3.3


605-01    (5dc92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me, if I was born on 22nd december 1970, how old would I be, what
> would my starsign be, and what occupation would I be

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'd be Sagittarius / Capricorn cusp, 22 years old, and bored CS
} geek.
}
} Actually, your chart is a little more complex than one would expect.
} Not only is the Sun straddling the border of the zodiac, you were born
} under the rare and outre quadruple conjunction of Pluto, Venus, Mars,
} and Landsat I.  Ergo, you will be beaten to death for trying to take
} candid pictures.
}
} You owe the Oracle an orrery.


605-02    (29ag4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what time is it

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's time for you to learn a decent grovel, you gravy-sucking, milk-
} swilling, blouse-wearing, poodle-walking, doorknob-friendly, fern-bar-
} patronizing, my-girlfriend-wears-sensible-shoes, Oh-I'm-way-too-stupid-
} to-remember-my-SWATCH-so-let's-use-up-some-of-that-free-bandwidth-that-
} Bill-and-Al-are-hawking-all-over-creation, Amiga-using, Betamax-buying,
} quadraphonic-owning, Yugo-driving, Woodchuck-loving, crossdressing-
} Lisa-impersonating, Evian-gurgling, tush-pushing, Barney-worshipping,
} ThighMaster-pumping, FlowBee-hairdressing, Oldies-sweatin', Chevy-
} Chase-watching, Porkarina-tootin', Pickin'-and-Grinnin', Home-
} Shopping-Channel-surfing, Dukes-of-Hazard-watching, Ross-Perot-
} quoting, Bible-biting, snake-dancing, Big-Bear-hugging, World-
} Wrestling-Federation-joining, Bevis-and-Butthead-emulating, Program-
} imitating, Body-Chicken-playing, 900-Psychic-phoning, Achy-Breaky-
} Twangy-Itchy-Twitchy-scratch-n-sniffing, Llama-riding, Brother-Jedd-
} and-Sister-Cindy-licking, Wallowing-in-LAMENESS, Snoodling, Wool-Sock-
} and-Birkenstock-wearin', Jerky-Camera-Dockers-Filming, Good-songs-we-
} loved-in-our-youth-commercializing, shirt-lifting, Gerbil-stuffing,
} Denny's-waiter PINK BOY!
}
} The Oracle requires that as penance you are engaged in a twelve-hour
} naked wesson oil tag team match with Howard Stern and Hillary Clinton
} with Jesse Helms refereeing.
}
} At the tone the time will be 9:12 PM.  You're welcome.


605-03    (aad71 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great-o Oracle, it just dawned on me!  The sun rises in the east!
> How utterly and stupendously amazing, wouldn't you say?
>
> No, I guess you wouldn't.  WHICH BRINGS ME TO...where?  I forget.  Not
> like it matters.  Not like you care about me the tiniest bit.  Oh, the
> horror. Sometimes I wonder if you have an ethnocentrism node at at!
> (Ohhhhhhh'mmmmmmmm scay-yared! [Oh, I'm scared.])

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting and multifaceted question.  You vastly underestimate
} the Oracle, but I will forgive you, knowing that you are only human
} (as opposed to aquatic, where some of the world's most intelligent
} mammals live -- See _So_Long_and_Thanks_for_All_the_Fish_, a book that
} I placed in the mind of D**gl*s *d*ms while he was monitoring
} alt.fiction.story.ideas-mystical.  Now perhaps you understand why it
} counteracts most of the rest of the Hitchiker "trilogy" and is written
} in a completely different style, besides.  Somehow, I never could get
} a feel for absurdity. . . But I digress.)
}
} Your question implied that I, an entity of vast proportions and of
} even vaster mind (as Marvin would say, "A brain the size of the planet,
} and they want me to open the door." -- I wrote that bit, too) am
} concerned with such human characteristics as race.   For all their
} bragging about their superiority, humans are the only species on earth
} to make such artificial differentiations.  Wolves base their social
} hierarchy on strength and dominance, and their cousins, domesticated
} dogs, don't consider color, breed, or even size when making their
} matches.  (Doberman-chihuahuas?  It could happen.)  Only the human is
} petty enough to consider that the amount of melanin in your skin or
} the texture of your hair or the shape of your eyes should indicate
} anything other than purely incidental characteristics.  And, as I've
} already indicated, since the Oracle is not human -- in fact, not even
} corporal -- there is no reason why I would discriminate based on
} such ridiculous differences (now, if you want me to differentiate on
} "brain size," I'd be happy to accomodate).
}
} And to your first question, why the sun rises in the east. . . other
} than purely aesthetic reasons, I think it was so that China could be
} named "The Land of the Rising Sun."  But I haven't checked with that
} other great Entity since the Great Flood (anyone who would get rid
} of unicorns simply because they wouldn't pay the "cover charge" is
} definitely a creature with a lot of learning to do -- besides, ever
} since I beat Him at a game of chess, he's been extremely annoyed.
} Why do you think he created sex?  He wanted everyone else in the
} universe to be just as frustrated as he was.).
}
} You owe the Oracle a life-sized map of the Earth.


605-04    (4bb87 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and all knowing oracle, who's skin is never breached by
> Lisa's sharp tongue.  Who's knowledge of tactics far outweighs my own.
> Who has won the Star Fleet Battles Gold Hat at least once.....
>
>       How can a Klingon F5V overcome a Fed FFL?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Yes, certainly a very challenging encounter, and it was at least
} mildly entertaining for mine own omnicience. The key here is the
} understanding of the tertiary application of the Cochrane equations
} when extended to the high multi-phase dimentions. You see, the Klingon
} F5V was designed with a plasma injector unit specifically intended to
} exploit the subspace abberations associated with the Brontsky
} phenomenon. While you know that this design has been proven to be
} inferior to the Federation designed Gaffney-Crismaden Bi-Processor
} Plasma Injectors (he he, those good ole Gaffer's never fail to come
} through in a pinch), the obscure investigations in sub-quark polymer
} designs by the Utopia Planetia Fleet Yards on Mars point out one
} potential flaw the Klingon vessel can exploit:
}      Since the Klingon injectors are force fed through the EPS power
} couplings, theoretically, a capable engineer could reverse the polarity
} of the neutron flow with the obvious effect of immediately collapsing
} the warp bubble around the Klingon ship. However, this procedure also
} has a sideffect of releasing a phasic graviton pulse with a range of
} about 40,000m. This pulse will have a distruptive interaction on the
} cohesion of the units in the polymers contained in the Federation
} injectors. Now that the Federation vessel has been disabled for at
} least 2-3 minutes, quickly transfer power from the Inertial Dampening
} Field system, to your Structural Integrity Field, bypassing the main
} ODN junction, and force a cold reaction in the main reactor core. You
} ought to have power levels capable of generating two Phased Energy
} Rectification (PHASER in layman's terms) pulses, sufficient to cause a
} cascading warp core breach on the Fed FFL.
}     However, I caution you to engage only in this maneuver only in the
} presence of one Federation vessel, for your reactor unit will have a
} dowtime of about 4-6 hours. Also, avoid this manuever in sectors high
} in multi-plexic matter density, as such interact unpredictably with the
} phasic graviton pulse.
}
}      You owe the Oracle one quantum phase inverter.


605-05    (d9b53 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One day God, Jesus, and the Oracle were going in to the Gods Club on
> Mount Olympus when they were stopped by some feminist demonstrators
> protesting the predominance of males in the pantheon.
>
> Each of our trio found his way blocked by a single demonstrator.
>
> God turned his into a pillar of salt.
>
> Jesus somehow talked his into washing his feet for him.
>
> The Oracle -- what did the Oracle do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} marry her
}
} for payment the oracle deems a you do a guest spot on oprah


605-06    (18ic2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great oracle, wisest being in all of the net, wisest net in all of
> the being, troublest thou with this:
>  What really happens if you open the 'illegal' side of a milk carton?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thousands of tequila-crazed agents of the National Dairy Council will
} descend upon your home like locusts on a field of grain, riding their
} nine-foot-tall, steroid-enhanced Brahma bulls with bronze-clad hooves,
} and trample your body into a lifeless red paste closely resembling
} Newman's Own Vegetarian Spaghetti Sauce with Mushrooms.
}
} Either that or you'll spill milk all over your pants.
}
} You owe the Oracle 25,000 pounds of government surplus cheese and a
} package of crackers.


605-07    (09e8a dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle.  The most masterful and astute entity of the
> seven known universes.  I am only a mere insignificant speck
> to your immense distinguished intellect.  This simple humble
> peasant begs of you for your insight.  Please spare but a
> moment o f your exceedingly valuable time to aid me, your
> menial and insignificant servant.  The question I ask of you is:
>
> Will my thesis be hardware functional by the deadline of the
> third of January.  Although I know I do not need to mention
> any details to you, the all knowing and seeing great one, I
> shall.  My thesis is a group project (seven people) building a
> AGV (A utomatic Guided Vehicle).  I am one of two group
> leaders.
>
> We have had immense trouble.  The Intel micro-controllers are
> very flaky (understatement of the century).  The two people
> working on the ultrasonics sensors are falling behind and
> don't seem to care!
>
> This robot is supposed to be able to survive under harsh
> conditions but at this rate it will move like a dead turtle
> and be as blind as a bat (no - wait - bats use ultrasonics --
> blind as a dead rat)
>
> Thank you oh great one.
>
> I patiently await for your perceptive answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Do not give up hope, young one.  The oracle knows well the process of
} AGV design, and I shall give you a new design to inspire you on
} your way.
}
}   The oracle understands your plight, and cringes at the horrible
} misdirection you have taken with Intel micro-controllers.  Have you,
} my patient little student, ever heard of the great man named B.F.
} Skinner?  He is the key to the successful design of your project,
} which you should now entitle:
}   How to fool people into believing you've build a AGV using a bunch of
} small rodents and a specially designed steel box.
}
}   The key to succesfully pulling this project off, is to use behavioral
} shaping, and plenty of litle rodent food pellets to train a group
} of rats to move a rolling metal box from inside, in a strict pattern
} of movement.
}   Then, when it comes time to display this to whomever will actually
} listen to you, just move the fake controller you've built in the
} same movements that you've trained the rats to go in, and *presto*
} it looks like you've got an AGV.
}   Of course, you have a second steel box, which you can stuff with
} wires, ic's, and a few blinky lights for good measure.  This one can
} be on display after the demonstation.
}   Finally, to complete the presentation, you need to find a foreign
} student to be in your team who is so bad at speaking the native
} language, that nobody will understand a word they say.  They can
} answer any questions.
}
}   Below, you will find a schematic for the AGV box:
}
}  ###############################
}  #-----------------------------#
}  #I                           I#
}  #I                           I<------- Pure 100% stainless steel,
}  #I                           I#        for that "polished" look.
}  #I     ^. .^                 I#
}  #I      >.<___    ^. .^      I#<------ Thick insulation for all those
}  #I      " "        >.<___    I#        nasty Environments. That pink
}  #I      ^          " "       I#        panther stuff should do.
}  #-------|---------------------#
}    ()    |  ()      ()      ()<-------- Plastic wheels. Probably can be
}          |                              taken from office chairs.
}          |
}          +----- Friendly little rodents.
}
}
}   You owe the oracle many food pellets in reward.


605-08    (25hc5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN SPORT
>       (c) 1960 Castle Music Pty, Ltd.
>       Words and music by Rolf Harris
>
> SPOKEN:
> There's an old Australian stockman, lying, dying,
> and he gets himself up on one elbow,
> and he turns to his mates,
> who are gathered 'round him and he says:
>
>   G        G7      C    Am7
> Watch me wallabys feed mate.
> D                 G
> Watch me wallabys feed.
>    G         G7      C     Am7
> They're a dangerous breed mate.
>     D7                 G
> So watch me wallabys feed.
> Altogether now!
>
>  G       G7      C    Am7
> Tie me kangaroo down sport,
> D7               G
> tie me kangaroo down.
> G         G7    C    Am7
> Tie me kangaroo down sport,
> D7               G
> tie me kangaroo down.
>
> Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl,
> keep me cockatoo cool.
> Don't go acting the fool, Curl,
> just keep me cockatoo cool.
> Altogether now!
>
> Take me koala back, Jack,
> take me koala back.
> He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac,
> so take me koala back.
> Altogether now!
>
> Let me abos go loose, Lew,
> let me abos go loose.
> They're of no further use, Lew,
> so let me abos go loose.
> Altogether now!
>
> Mind me platypus duck, Bill,
> mind me platypus duck.
> Don't let him go running amok, Bill,
> mind me platypus duck.
> Altogether now!
>
> Play your digeridoo, Blue,
> play your digeridoo.
> Keep playing 'til I shoot thro' Blue,
> play your digerydoo.
> Altogether now!
>
> Tan me hide when Im dead, Fred,
> tan me hide when I'm dead.
> So we tanned his hide when he died Clyde,
> (Spoken) And that's it hanging on the shed.
> Altogether now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A darkened room, filled with people sitting at tables drinking
} Guiness.  A spotlight illuminates a lone figure in one corner sitting
} on a barstool, strumming a guitar, and crooning Australian folksongs.]
}
} Guitarist:   G       G7          C         Am7
}            Watch me woodchucks chuck wood, Will,
}            D                    G
}            Watch me woodchucks chuck wood.
}            G    G7                     C      Am7
}            No matter how much he can chuck, Will,
}            D7                     G
}            So watch me woodchuck chuck wood.
}            Altogether now!
}
} [The singer stops abruptly and stares in horror as a glowing, green
} tenacle snakes out of his guitar.  It flops around aimlessly for a
} moment, then find the neck of the guitar, which it tears off and hurls
} into the audience.  Several people scream.  A glass breaks.  The
} guitarist drops his instrument and backs off.  The tentacle seeks after
} him.]
}
} Guitarist: No!  NO!!  I didn't know <EEEeeeeurk!>
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kangaroo-down sports tie.


605-09    (37gd2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Orakel, please tell me:
>
> Why is it that on our megaexpensive VAX/PC/Mac network, it is
> impossible to print a simple ascii file?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question, my child, is really quite simple.
}
} The different computers simply don't like each other.
}
} Consider how they must feel about it:
}
} Vax: Thinks the world runs on DecNet. Primary users are college
} hackers and computer geeks. Motto: Give us LAT protocol, or
} give us death!, which explains why Dec's profit margins are falling
} like a rock
}
} PC: MS-DOS was really part of Dante's seventh ring of Hell, we
} just forgot to tell you about it.
}
} MAC: Let's play a game of "Hide the operating system from the user"!
} The infamous "Apple Bomb" icon really represents what they should
} do to the designers of this soon-to-become-a-boat-anchor.
}
} So, is it really any wonder why things don't print? The Vax gets the
} data and says "Not a Vax, it simply doesn't count!" and discards it.
} The PC gets the data, and says "I simply cannot understand the
} complexity of this issue, since I'm a single-task processor", and
} dumps the data. The Mac says "Ding!", shows you a bomb icon, and
} sends it down the Appletalk pipeline, where it vanishes into a black
} hole.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Coleco Adam "Home Computer", and a line printer.


605-10    (0e6h4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I say, Jeeves, old thing! What ho and a hearty pip-pip to you,
> you old blot on the landscape. 'fraid I can't rise to the occ. this
> time, must put on the nosebag with my uncle Lord Petham, you know,
> the old sod whose eyes go billy-o at any fair fem? That's the one,
> by George, you've got it.  I daresay I would very much fancy rallying
> 'round the old horserace this luncheon instead. Under the circs.
> you must understand, because old Petham's will hangs over me like
> the regular Sword of What-his-name, don't you know?  I say, Jeeves,
> is there any spirited concoction in your devious mind that would allow
> me to wrestle out of tea time with this old bird without giving him
> the bally-o offense.
>
> Very much in your debt as usual, hip hip,
>
> Bertie Wooster

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Orakel smiled grimly as he read the tortured prose.  The fools!
} Did they think such clumsy coding would deceive the avatar of the
} electronic Reich?  Simulating the quintessential English upper class
} twit, such a clumsy device, with the grossest of giveaways in the
} American mispelling of the noun "offence."  No, this was clearly the
} work of American agents, and their plans would soon fall afoul of the
} Orakel, aka Oracle, and he laughed as he realised that the imbeciles
} had not even penetrated that far into his disguise.
}
} The message soon yielded its flimsily concealed secrets.
}
} Pip-pip, blot on landscape: two nuclear warheads.
} Can't rise: sabotage
} Put on nosebag: occlude vision and other senses.
} Billy-o: goat, implying troll
} Fem: French woman
} George: dragon
} Old horserace: balance of power
} Sword: hairtrigger
} Concoction: assassination by poison
} Hip hip: two sidearms
} Bertie Wooster: B. ****t**, President.
}
} Two warhead will explode over France, sabotaging long range
} sensors through the E-M pulse.  Agents will then be able to troll
} for information, including dragon any suspects off for questioning.
} The delicate world balance of power will be dealt with by the expedient
} of poison with less subtle backup if required.  The identity of the
} writer was barely concealed at all.
}
} The Orakel paused.  Best to play safe as well.  Just in case of the
} unimaginably remote possibility that this question was not what is
} so plainly appeared to be, he sent off an answer:
}
} Feign death.  You owe the "Oracle" a more secure line.


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