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Internet Oracularities #606

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Usenet Oracularities #606    (49 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:52:39 -0500

@@@ The Usenet Oracle in the press
@@@ === ====== ====== == === =====
@@@ Check out the latest issue of _Internet_World_ (Jan/Feb 1994, Meckler)
@@@ for a slick 3-page illustrated article on the Usenet Oracle by Kevin
@@@ M Savetz.  It's essentially an updated version of the article that
@@@ appeared in _Boardwatch_ a while back, though this one includes a few
@@@ sample Oracularities.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   606
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

606   49 votes 3jl42 bff44 3cfe5 aef73 2gk92 1adfa 2bna3 12cnb 2el93 38jf4
606   3.0 mean  2.7   2.5   3.1   2.6   2.9   3.5   3.0   3.8   2.9   3.2


606-01    (3jl42 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Orakel, most wise and omniescent, how comes your write yourself
> with a 'k' and not with a 'c' ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I'm an optimization weenie.  You know those neurotic socially-
} challenged-types who stay up 72 hours at a time subsisting on nothing
} but Oreos and Coca-Cola to eek an extra 5% of performance out of a
} program by hand-translating it into assembler?
}
}       Well, okay, I'm not quite that bad, but one look at the English
} alphabet, and it's obvious that it's just *begging* for optimization.
}
}       Take the letter 'C' for example.  The two sounds it makes
} are like 'S' (as in "circle") and like 'K' (as in "crap").  Thus,
} it is *completely superfluous*, since it offers no unique sounds of
} its own.  So why not delete it?  (Actually, I'm not sure whether or
} not I should delete 'C', or whether I should delete 'S' and 'K' and
} fold their phonemes into 'C'.  Keeping 'C' saves two letters, but
} keeping 'S' and 'K' means you can immediately identify which sound
} you're supposed to make.  I haven't decided which is more useful.
} Comments welcome.)
}
}       Another good example is 'X'; it has the phonemes 'KS'
} (as in "fox") and 'Z' (as in "xylophone").  However, deleting 'X'
} in favor of 'KS' increases the storage requirements for documents
} containing 'X', which isn't good.  We'd also have to find the new
} name for the horizontal axis of a cartesian coordinate graph.
}
}       So as you can see, I'm still in the process of initial
} experimentation.  I hope to submit an RFC within a couple of years.
}
}       You owe The Orakel your solemn oath that you will never use
} Unicode.


606-02    (bff44 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the universe recursive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.. *strokes her chin*.. an interesting theory this one!  Let's
} consider this question carefully.
}
} function universe(stars, planets: integer);
} Type axis_type = (x,y,z);
}
} Var s,p,i: integer; star_loc, plan_loc: packed array[x..z] of real;
}     axis: axis_type;
}
} Begin
}   {create stars and planets}
}    s := 0; p := 0;
}    repeat
}     for axis := x to y do star_loc[axis] := rand;
}     if s < stars then Begin
}      if not star_found(star_loc) then addbody(star_loc, 'star')
}       else if not plan_found(star_loc) then addbody(star_loc, 'boom')
}        else addbody(star_loc, 'stardust');
}      s := s + 1
}     End{if};
}
}     for axis := x to y do plan_loc[axis] := rand;
}     if p < planets then Begin
}      if not star_found(plan_loc) then addbody(plan_loc, 'plan')
}       else if not plan_found(plan_loc) then addbody(plan_loc,'stardust')
}        else addbody(plan_loc, 'bigplan');
}      p := p + 1
}     End{if};
}
} until (s = stars) and (p = planets);
}
} Begin
}  Universe(1e24, 7e11);
} End.
}
} Wow! No recursion. My compiler created this, and after running I made a
} nice shiny new universe!  Sorry. It may be non-procedural however! I'll
} leave that as an exercise for the student!!
}
} Love, oracless


606-03    (3cfe5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are you doing today?  Hey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I am doing today the same way I do most days.  I have many
} responsibilites, not the least of which is answering questions from
} unruly supplicants.  I do days like this:
}
} 00:00 Answer questions, simultaneous examine every particle in universe
}       (just to make sure nothing goes wrong).
}
} 01:00 Answer questions, simultaneous development of theorem-producing
}       device, solving of Turing halting problem.
}
} 02:00 Answer questions, simultaneous reading of all literature in the
}       universe, plus analysis and critiquing (everyone's a critic).
}
} 03:00 Answer questions, simultaneous routine maintenance of space-time
}       continuum (needs a tweak every now and then, you know).
}
} 04:00 Answer questions, simultaneous go to bathroom.  If some of the
}       answers sometimes seem strained, you'll now know why.
}
} 05:00 Answer questions, give policy advice at Gods' Meeting.
}
} 06:06.6 Answer questions, simultaneous give policy advice at
}       Demons' Meeting.
}
} 07:00 Answer questions, simultaneous start Gateswatch.  Gateswatch will
}       be maintained until 0:00, when Bill Gates sleeps.  I should try
}       stealing his teddy bear sometime.
}
} 08:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat breakfast.
}
} 09:00 Answer questions, simultaneous learn 6502 assembly language (just
}       a hobby, you understand.)
}
} 10:00 Answer questions, simultaneous do consulting work for Thanatos.
}
} 11:00 Answer questions, simultaneous codification of Omnipotents'
}       Policy, as determined by meetings.
}
} 12:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat lunch.
}
} 13:00 Answer questions, simultaneous send devious messages into the
}       brains of the world leaders (which should, in part, explain their
}       behaviour).
}
} 14:00 Answer questions, simultaneous use toilet.  Should not have
}       consumed that many martinis at one sitting (record 24553).
}
} 15:00 Answer questions, simultaneous conference of Dead Scientists.
}       Today's topic: Alan Turing, and Ramifications of Oracular AI
}       Simulation.
}
} 16:00 Answer questions, simultaneous watch The Young and The Restless.
}       (Hey, we all have our vices.)
}
} 17:00 Answer questions, simultaneous proposition and make use of the
}       services of a sexual surrogate.  (That's one of my other vices.)
}
} 18:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat dinner.
}
} 19:00 Answer questions, simultaneous taking of antacid tablets.
}       Evidently, you have to wait longer than an hour after sex before
}       eating.  Kind of like swimming, in reverse.
}
} 20:00 Answer questions, simultaneous poker game, with God, Satan,
}       Thanatos (Death).
}
} 21:00 Answer questions, simultaneous start pub crawl.
}
} 22:00 Answer questions, simultaneous put fake antennae on my head, then
}       travel to secluded locations and frighten locals by prancing
}       around and making beep-beep noises.  This is the sort of thing I
}       do when I'm drunk.  I did this to Douglas Adams, once, but he was
}       also drunk, and wrote about it in a truly remarkable book called
}       The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
}
} 23:00 Answer questions, simultaneous lean over the toilet and puke
}       until my nose bleeds.  Now I'm ready to start the day.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a really good hangover cure.  And a deck of
}       marked cards.  Satan cheats at poker, you know.  And if you know
}       anything about that halting problem, give me a call.


606-04    (aef73 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O super, sexy, stunning, sedacious, slurpy sexfadiddyious Oracle,
> please lick me up and down.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *BANG*
} |THUMP| *BIFF*
} *SMACK*
} ..
}
} >>THUD<< !
}
} You owe the Oracle a Teach-Yourself-Boxing Course. Mike Tyson's,
} preferably.


606-05    (2gk92 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whats your favorite music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The scene:  A BMW driving down the highway, late evening.
} The Oracle, tired after a long day at work, is heading home, the
} lovely Lisa by his side.
}       The Oracle pulls out a classical CD, "Holst's 'Planets'".
} Lisa shakes her head.  The Oracle puts it down.
}       The Oracle pulls out some heavy metal, "Metallica's" latest.
} Lisa shakes her head.  The Oracle puts it down.
}       The Oracle looks over at Lisa, knowing that his next decision
} will decide what happens that evening.  She points.
}       The Oracle Screams.
}
}       Cut To:  The Oracle's Office.  The Oracle's Secretary is
} shaking the Oracle awake.  The Oracle is whimpering "Not Zamfi... Not
} the damn pan flute... anything but that..."
}
}       The answer is, almost anything.  Except that damn flute.  And
} Barney.


606-06    (1adfa dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the words to O Canada?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Canada! Mmwahh mwwahh mwhaahhhing
} Mwayyahhah Mwahhhh Mwahhhh Mwahhhhahhh -ahh -ahh
} Mwyaaaa nnnnNNNNGGGG!! Mwahhhaa Mwwhhhah
} Oh, Canada, Mwahhng Mwahhnggghhhh
}
} You owe the Oracle a hockey puck and a better public address system


606-07    (2bna3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people ask you questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they don't know the answers.
}
} Because I'm there.
}
} Because, there are very few non-humans on the net.
}
} Because of insatiable coriosity.
}
} Because: "The Usenet Oracle requires a question to this answer!"
}
} Because.
}
} Because they have nothing better to do.
}
} Because they are sad bastards, living vicariously through the net.
}
} Because asking me statements gets frustrating.
}
} Because I'm the best there's ever been.
}
} But finally...
}
} Because, in spite of everything, I answer them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better purpose in life.


606-08    (12cnb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Majestic Oracle, how can I make more Mon
> ey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I *am* pleased to get a tiny little grovel in today's batch
} of supplications. I'll tell you an old Hungarian folktale that my
} grandmother told me.
}
} Once upon a time there was a farmer, by the name of Matyas, who
} kept an orchard. Matyas grew pears, the most delicious golden
} pears, of which Hugarians make Csaszarkorte liquor ... but I
} digress. One day a beggar came to Matyas' door, and although he
} had nothing else to give, Matyas gave him pears. The beggar
} looked at him strangely, then looked at the pears, and finally
} bit into one. Delight! "What are these fruits called? They are
} delicious!" The beggar explained that he came from a land far
} away where pears had never been heard of. He ate his fill and
} wandered on.
}
} Matyas was not a greedy man, but was very poor, so he thought to
} himself: they've never tasted pears. I'll bet I can take these to
} the kingdom where the beggar came from and sell them at a really
} good profit!
}
} So he took his cart and harnessed up his donkey, and travelled
} for many days, over the plains and up to the mountains, to the
} beggar's homeland. When he arrived there he realised why they'd
} never tasted pears - it was a barren and stony place. Pear trees
} would never grow here.
}
} The king was not hard to find, as he lived in a huge stone castle
} atop a mountain. Matyas was well received, and when he brought
} the pears to the king, he presented them as golden treasures fit
} only for the palate of the noblest and best people in the land.
} The king and his wife tried them, and were amazed and delighted.
} They bought up the entire wagon-load, paying Matyas a handsome
} weight of gold. Nothing but gold in exchange for these golden
} wonders!
}
} Matyas returned safely home with his gold. At the least
} prompting, he would launch into the story of the king of the
} mountains, and the land where fruit trees could not grow.
}
} Matyas' neighbor Gyula was not a jealous man, but he was poor. He
} listened to Matyas tell his story over and over. Gyula had a
} cherry orchard, and grew the kind of sweet cherries that
} Hungarians use to make Cseresznepalinka liquor... but I digress.
} So one day it occurred to Gyula, to take cherries up into the
} mountains and sell them to the king there. He thought to himself,
} "Pears are sweet and smell good, that's true, but cherries are
} even sweeter, and have a better taste too. Surely if the king
} paid Matyas in gold, he'll pay me with the most precious things
} in his kingdom! I shall come home with a sack full of diamonds."
}
} And so he loaded up his cart and set off towards the mountains.
} He reminded himself of Matyas' story, and easily found the king's
} castle.
}
} Once there, he was cordially received by the king and queen. The
} entire court shared the cartload of cherries, and they were
} declared to be the veritable food of the gods. Gyula was feasted
} and feted for nearly a week. The king declared that he would pay
} Gyula with the most valuable thing in his kingdom. Gyula said, "I
} am deeply honoured your majesty. Will it be diamonds? Emeralds?"
} "Feh," said the king (Hungarians say "Feh" a *lot*), "Feh.
} Diamonds. No, I want to pay you with something truly rare and
} exceptionally valuable. Do not try to talk me out of it - you must
} have the most valuable thing in my kingdom."
}
} And so Gyula left for home the next day, with his donkey, and his
} cart, and a load of yellow pears.
}
} You owe the oracle a glass of milk and some cookies. Csokolate Csip.


606-09    (2el93 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, will More have a complete Inter
> net gateway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  Not much to go on here.  The word 'More' is obviously
} meant as a name since it is capitalized.  Perhaps you mean
} Gordon Moore, CEO of Intel?  Or maybe Roger Moore, who tried
} his hand at playing James Bond for bit?  Millard Fill-More,
} 13th President of the United States?  Van Morr-ison, music
} sensation?  Mor-ticia Aadams?  The Mor-mon Tabernacle Choir?
} Samual Mor-se (of Mor-se code)?  Mor-occo?  The (African) Moors?
} The (Scottish) moors?  Rebecca DeMORnay?  Mor-gan Fairchild?
} /usr/ucb/more ?  Mor-phine?  A Claymore (mine)?  A Claymore (sword)?
} Phar-Mor Pharmacy?  A Mor-ay eel?  Morgan le Fey?  Morning sickness?
} The Morning star?  The Mor-al Majority?  The Jefferson MemMORial?
}
} I don't believe any of them will get a complete Internet gateway,
} except maybe the Intel guy.
}
} You owe the Moracle^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Oracle the source code for 'less'.


606-10    (38jf4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, in comparison to whom an eater of the fruit
> of the tree of knowledge would appear to be slightly sub-average,
> please riddle me this:
>
> What's the big deal with raisins?  I mean, the're just dried grapes,
> right?
>
>       I remain,
>       Fractional Wes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Fractional Wit,
}
} I'm plum astonished that you're raisin this question.
} Who gives a fig about it?
}
} You gotta get with it, and flow with the currant.
} You have lots of grape questions in you, waiting to get out,
} but first you have to prune these useless ones from your repertoire.
}
} You could have asked for a date with Lisa,
} so I could have replied why not a cumquat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a riper question.


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