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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Orakel, most wise and omniescent, how comes your write yourself > with a 'k' and not with a 'c' ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I'm an optimization weenie.  You know those neurotic socially- } challenged-types who stay up 72 hours at a time subsisting on nothing } but Oreos and Coca-Cola to eek an extra 5% of performance out of a } program by hand-translating it into assembler? } }       Well, okay, I'm not quite that bad, but one look at the English } alphabet, and it's obvious that it's just *begging* for optimization. } }       Take the letter 'C' for example.  The two sounds it makes } are like 'S' (as in "circle") and like 'K' (as in "crap").  Thus, } it is *completely superfluous*, since it offers no unique sounds of } its own.  So why not delete it?  (Actually, I'm not sure whether or } not I should delete 'C', or whether I should delete 'S' and 'K' and } fold their phonemes into 'C'.  Keeping 'C' saves two letters, but } keeping 'S' and 'K' means you can immediately identify which sound } you're supposed to make.  I haven't decided which is more useful. } Comments welcome.) } }       Another good example is 'X'; it has the phonemes 'KS' } (as in "fox") and 'Z' (as in "xylophone").  However, deleting 'X' } in favor of 'KS' increases the storage requirements for documents } containing 'X', which isn't good.  We'd also have to find the new } name for the horizontal axis of a cartesian coordinate graph. } }       So as you can see, I'm still in the process of initial } experimentation.  I hope to submit an RFC within a couple of years. } }       You owe The Orakel your solemn oath that you will never use } Unicode.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the universe recursive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.. *strokes her chin*.. an interesting theory this one!  Let's } consider this question carefully. } } function universe(stars, planets: integer); } Type axis_type = (x,y,z); } } Var s,p,i: integer; star_loc, plan_loc: packed array[x..z] of real; }     axis: axis_type; } } Begin }   {create stars and planets} }    s := 0; p := 0; }    repeat }     for axis := x to y do star_loc[axis] := rand; }     if s < stars then Begin }      if not star_found(star_loc) then addbody(star_loc, 'star') }       else if not plan_found(star_loc) then addbody(star_loc, 'boom') }        else addbody(star_loc, 'stardust'); }      s := s + 1 }     End{if}; } }     for axis := x to y do plan_loc[axis] := rand; }     if p < planets then Begin }      if not star_found(plan_loc) then addbody(plan_loc, 'plan') }       else if not plan_found(plan_loc) then addbody(plan_loc,'stardust') }        else addbody(plan_loc, 'bigplan'); }      p := p + 1 }     End{if}; } } until (s = stars) and (p = planets); } } Begin }  Universe(1e24, 7e11); } End. } } Wow! No recursion. My compiler created this, and after running I made a } nice shiny new universe!  Sorry. It may be non-procedural however! I'll } leave that as an exercise for the student!! } } Love, oracless

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are you doing today?  Hey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I am doing today the same way I do most days.  I have many } responsibilites, not the least of which is answering questions from } unruly supplicants.  I do days like this: } } 00:00 Answer questions, simultaneous examine every particle in universe }       (just to make sure nothing goes wrong). } } 01:00 Answer questions, simultaneous development of theorem-producing }       device, solving of Turing halting problem. } } 02:00 Answer questions, simultaneous reading of all literature in the }       universe, plus analysis and critiquing (everyone's a critic). } } 03:00 Answer questions, simultaneous routine maintenance of space-time }       continuum (needs a tweak every now and then, you know). } } 04:00 Answer questions, simultaneous go to bathroom.  If some of the }       answers sometimes seem strained, you'll now know why. } } 05:00 Answer questions, give policy advice at Gods' Meeting. } } 06:06.6 Answer questions, simultaneous give policy advice at }       Demons' Meeting. } } 07:00 Answer questions, simultaneous start Gateswatch.  Gateswatch will }       be maintained until 0:00, when Bill Gates sleeps.  I should try }       stealing his teddy bear sometime. } } 08:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat breakfast. } } 09:00 Answer questions, simultaneous learn 6502 assembly language (just }       a hobby, you understand.) } } 10:00 Answer questions, simultaneous do consulting work for Thanatos. } } 11:00 Answer questions, simultaneous codification of Omnipotents' }       Policy, as determined by meetings. } } 12:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat lunch. } } 13:00 Answer questions, simultaneous send devious messages into the }       brains of the world leaders (which should, in part, explain their }       behaviour). } } 14:00 Answer questions, simultaneous use toilet.  Should not have }       consumed that many martinis at one sitting (record 24553). } } 15:00 Answer questions, simultaneous conference of Dead Scientists. }       Today's topic: Alan Turing, and Ramifications of Oracular AI }       Simulation. } } 16:00 Answer questions, simultaneous watch The Young and The Restless. }       (Hey, we all have our vices.) } } 17:00 Answer questions, simultaneous proposition and make use of the }       services of a sexual surrogate.  (That's one of my other vices.) } } 18:00 Answer questions, simultaneous eat dinner. } } 19:00 Answer questions, simultaneous taking of antacid tablets. }       Evidently, you have to wait longer than an hour after sex before }       eating.  Kind of like swimming, in reverse. } } 20:00 Answer questions, simultaneous poker game, with God, Satan, }       Thanatos (Death). } } 21:00 Answer questions, simultaneous start pub crawl. } } 22:00 Answer questions, simultaneous put fake antennae on my head, then }       travel to secluded locations and frighten locals by prancing }       around and making beep-beep noises.  This is the sort of thing I }       do when I'm drunk.  I did this to Douglas Adams, once, but he was }       also drunk, and wrote about it in a truly remarkable book called }       The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. } } 23:00 Answer questions, simultaneous lean over the toilet and puke }       until my nose bleeds.  Now I'm ready to start the day. } }       You owe the Oracle a really good hangover cure.  And a deck of }       marked cards.  Satan cheats at poker, you know.  And if you know }       anything about that halting problem, give me a call.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O super, sexy, stunning, sedacious, slurpy sexfadiddyious Oracle, > please lick me up and down.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *BANG* } |THUMP| *BIFF* } *SMACK* } .. } } >>THUD<< ! } } You owe the Oracle a Teach-Yourself-Boxing Course. Mike Tyson's, } preferably.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whats your favorite music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The scene:  A BMW driving down the highway, late evening. } The Oracle, tired after a long day at work, is heading home, the } lovely Lisa by his side. }       The Oracle pulls out a classical CD, "Holst's 'Planets'". } Lisa shakes her head.  The Oracle puts it down. }       The Oracle pulls out some heavy metal, "Metallica's" latest. } Lisa shakes her head.  The Oracle puts it down. }       The Oracle looks over at Lisa, knowing that his next decision } will decide what happens that evening.  She points. }       The Oracle Screams. } }       Cut To:  The Oracle's Office.  The Oracle's Secretary is } shaking the Oracle awake.  The Oracle is whimpering "Not Zamfi... Not } the damn pan flute... anything but that..." } }       The answer is, almost anything.  Except that damn flute.  And } Barney.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the words to O Canada?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Canada! Mmwahh mwwahh mwhaahhhing } Mwayyahhah Mwahhhh Mwahhhh Mwahhhhahhh -ahh -ahh } Mwyaaaa nnnnNNNNGGGG!! Mwahhhaa Mwwhhhah } Oh, Canada, Mwahhng Mwahhnggghhhh } } You owe the Oracle a hockey puck and a better public address system

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people ask you questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they don't know the answers. } } Because I'm there. } } Because, there are very few non-humans on the net. } } Because of insatiable coriosity. } } Because: "The Usenet Oracle requires a question to this answer!" } } Because. } } Because they have nothing better to do. } } Because they are sad bastards, living vicariously through the net. } } Because asking me statements gets frustrating. } } Because I'm the best there's ever been. } } But finally... } } Because, in spite of everything, I answer them. } } You owe the Oracle a better purpose in life.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Majestic Oracle, how can I make more Mon > ey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I *am* pleased to get a tiny little grovel in today's batch } of supplications. I'll tell you an old Hungarian folktale that my } grandmother told me. } } Once upon a time there was a farmer, by the name of Matyas, who } kept an orchard. Matyas grew pears, the most delicious golden } pears, of which Hugarians make Csaszarkorte liquor ... but I } digress. One day a beggar came to Matyas' door, and although he } had nothing else to give, Matyas gave him pears. The beggar } looked at him strangely, then looked at the pears, and finally } bit into one. Delight! "What are these fruits called? They are } delicious!" The beggar explained that he came from a land far } away where pears had never been heard of. He ate his fill and } wandered on. } } Matyas was not a greedy man, but was very poor, so he thought to } himself: they've never tasted pears. I'll bet I can take these to } the kingdom where the beggar came from and sell them at a really } good profit! } } So he took his cart and harnessed up his donkey, and travelled } for many days, over the plains and up to the mountains, to the } beggar's homeland. When he arrived there he realised why they'd } never tasted pears - it was a barren and stony place. Pear trees } would never grow here. } } The king was not hard to find, as he lived in a huge stone castle } atop a mountain. Matyas was well received, and when he brought } the pears to the king, he presented them as golden treasures fit } only for the palate of the noblest and best people in the land. } The king and his wife tried them, and were amazed and delighted. } They bought up the entire wagon-load, paying Matyas a handsome } weight of gold. Nothing but gold in exchange for these golden } wonders! } } Matyas returned safely home with his gold. At the least } prompting, he would launch into the story of the king of the } mountains, and the land where fruit trees could not grow. } } Matyas' neighbor Gyula was not a jealous man, but he was poor. He } listened to Matyas tell his story over and over. Gyula had a } cherry orchard, and grew the kind of sweet cherries that } Hungarians use to make Cseresznepalinka liquor... but I digress. } So one day it occurred to Gyula, to take cherries up into the } mountains and sell them to the king there. He thought to himself, } "Pears are sweet and smell good, that's true, but cherries are } even sweeter, and have a better taste too. Surely if the king } paid Matyas in gold, he'll pay me with the most precious things } in his kingdom! I shall come home with a sack full of diamonds." } } And so he loaded up his cart and set off towards the mountains. } He reminded himself of Matyas' story, and easily found the king's } castle. } } Once there, he was cordially received by the king and queen. The } entire court shared the cartload of cherries, and they were } declared to be the veritable food of the gods. Gyula was feasted } and feted for nearly a week. The king declared that he would pay } Gyula with the most valuable thing in his kingdom. Gyula said, "I } am deeply honoured your majesty. Will it be diamonds? Emeralds?" } "Feh," said the king (Hungarians say "Feh" a *lot*), "Feh. } Diamonds. No, I want to pay you with something truly rare and } exceptionally valuable. Do not try to talk me out of it - you must } have the most valuable thing in my kingdom." } } And so Gyula left for home the next day, with his donkey, and his } cart, and a load of yellow pears. } } You owe the oracle a glass of milk and some cookies. Csokolate Csip.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, will More have a complete Inter > net gateway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  Not much to go on here.  The word 'More' is obviously } meant as a name since it is capitalized.  Perhaps you mean } Gordon Moore, CEO of Intel?  Or maybe Roger Moore, who tried } his hand at playing James Bond for bit?  Millard Fill-More, } 13th President of the United States?  Van Morr-ison, music } sensation?  Mor-ticia Aadams?  The Mor-mon Tabernacle Choir? } Samual Mor-se (of Mor-se code)?  Mor-occo?  The (African) Moors? } The (Scottish) moors?  Rebecca DeMORnay?  Mor-gan Fairchild? } /usr/ucb/more ?  Mor-phine?  A Claymore (mine)?  A Claymore (sword)? } Phar-Mor Pharmacy?  A Mor-ay eel?  Morgan le Fey?  Morning sickness? } The Morning star?  The Mor-al Majority?  The Jefferson MemMORial? } } I don't believe any of them will get a complete Internet gateway, } except maybe the Intel guy. } } You owe the Moracle^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Oracle the source code for 'less'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, in comparison to whom an eater of the fruit > of the tree of knowledge would appear to be slightly sub-average, > please riddle me this: > > What's the big deal with raisins?  I mean, the're just dried grapes, > right? > >       I remain, >       Fractional Wes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Fractional Wit, } } I'm plum astonished that you're raisin this question. } Who gives a fig about it? } } You gotta get with it, and flow with the currant. } You have lots of grape questions in you, waiting to get out, } but first you have to prune these useless ones from your repertoire. } } You could have asked for a date with Lisa, } so I could have replied why not a cumquat. } } You owe the Oracle a riper question.