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Internet Oracularities #607

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607, 607-01, 607-02, 607-03, 607-04, 607-05, 607-06, 607-07, 607-08, 607-09, 607-10


Usenet Oracularities #607    (58 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1993 08:24:13 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   607
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

607   58 votes gnd51 affd5 8gif1 47kha a3dma 6hjb5 34pga crd60 3bgcg 76oe7
607   3.0 mean  2.2   2.8   2.7   3.4   3.3   2.9   3.4   2.2   3.5   3.1


607-01    (gnd51 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh great and mighty oracle, keeper of all riddles...
>
>     I recently learned that an ancient greek oracle divined prophecies
> by inhaling gas that came from a deep fissure in the ground.  What do
> you inhale that gives you so much pep?
>
> **BTW, I am, as you know, NOT Bill Clinton. Please try to keep your
> answer topical.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hilary, If I told you once, I told you a thousand times....
}
}       I DID NOT INHALE!!!!
}
}               - Bill "Filling in for the Oracle on Guest Day" C.
}
} P.S.  Almost forgot, you owe the oracle, today that's me, a Health Care
}       plan that works for once....


607-02    (affd5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Most Gracious and Wise Oracle, please tell me,
>
> Why must I answer questions for You?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ME?  I'm the one who's answering the question!
}
} Obvoiusly you have no idea what the Oracle means.  Let me explain.
}
} You see, if the Oracle's questions were all answered by a single
} person, or even a group of people in some CS lab, not only would
} this/these person/people be overwhelmed with work, but the chances of
} getting certain questions answered would be slim if they fell outside
} of these people's range of knowledge...  Considering the Oracle is
} located in a hick state like Indiana, the only questions that don't get
} answered would be woodchuck questions, since Indianans know woodchucks
} better than Nature origiannly intended them to.  Questions on how to
} meet chicks in the CS labs would go unanswered, because the thought
} wouldn't occur to these people to go OUT of the CS labs.
}
} As a result, the entire Oracle system is spread through an email system
} where your questions get sent to people who probably just sent out
} the same question you just asked.  And as a result, you get a nice,
} humorous response that differs in style every time you consult the
} Oracle, since a single supplicant's questions rarely get sent to the
} same user twice.  You might get a response from a comic genius who
} delives you a hilarious pee-your-pants response AND answers your
} question, or you could get some dumb guy with no clue who simply
} replies "hay how cum i hav to replie 2 mesages im the one with the
} ???s!"... which is usually the case.
}
} Besides, nothing is free.  If you expect someone to answer a stupid
} question for you, you might as well answer someone else's stupid
} questions.  If there were just a select group of people who answered
} all the stupid questions you had, your sum of knowledge would amount
} only to this group's knowledge.  This group could plant messages
} in your mind, subliminal messages, that might be a part of a grand
} scheme of theirs.  They could eventually coax you into delivering a
} pint of nitroglycerin to a parking lot, or they could brainwash you
} into re-electing Clinton.  When knowledge only comes from one source,
} that source has absolute power, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
}
} Another reason you have to answer other people's questions is,
} we are all guinea pigs in a sick project by cs.indiana.edu.
} While we're running around like chickens with our heads cut off,
} answering each other's dumb questions and avenging each other with
} even dumber ones, the people at cs.indiana.edu are putting the most
} entertaining of us on display, like caged animals, on the Usenet
} newsgroup "rec.humor.oracle".  We're performing for them like trained
} animals, jumping through hoops.
}
} Finally, if you're lucky, the question sent to you will have a nice
} grovel in it.  "O Oracle whose IQ, if written down, would wipe out
} the rain forest"... that kind of thing.  It's a real ego trip.  and
} if they don't grovel, you can ZOT them, like this...
}
}     ///// ||||| \\\\\
}       /   |   |    \
} !!! /     |   |     \ !!!
}   /       |   |      \
} /////     |||||       \
}
} That's what you get for being stupid!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint of nitroglycerin, in the parking lot on 23rd
} and Van Buren.


607-03    (8gif1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh! Oracle, who has only the finest in brains, courage, and heart,
> please tell me:
>
> Who was the "real" star of The Wizard of Oz?  I don't believe it was
> that namby-pamby Dorothy, and the other 3 with her were pretty weird,
> although I think I may have dated that lion before. I think the leader
> of the munchkins would get my vote, or possibly that guy at the Emerald
> City who cried at the door.  Only you know the real answer though.
>
> Love, gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gosh, here it is just Monday, and already I've a question
} from Gloria -- it's enough to make my bus ill.
}
} Ah, well, sic transit gloria mundi, as they say, and so I'll
} see if I can excel this day.
}
} The real star of the Wizard of Oz was me, of course; I
} suppose you knew that, otherwise why ask?
}
} What you didn't know, though, was what role I played in the
} film; you've watched it again and again hoping for a glimpse
} of me, but always ended up in bleary-eyed disappointment.
}
} Truth of the matter is, it was early in my career, and I
} didn't get a speaking part. Well, actually, I didn't even
} get a walk-on, you never see me on screen.
}
} How, then, you ask (and I can clearly hear you ask),
} can I claim to be the star? Was it a voice-over?
} Did I dub Judy's singing parts?
}
} No, and no. Remember the scene in the Emerald City where the
} Talent says "a horse of a different color", and magically
} the horse changes color? Best thing in the whole movie, right?
}
} Well, *I* did that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wheelbarrow of bull manure;
} I seem to have used mine all up.


607-04    (47kha dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, my name is Melissa Geard.  I am a student at Rosetta High School
> in Tasmania, Australia.  Have you been to Australia before?  Madonna is
> currently on tour in Australia.  Do you think she exploits herself too
> much? Also, will I ever go out with this guy I like, his name is
> Michael Christie.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like all deities, I reside in a tasteful residence in the north
} of Canada. I *know* Australia is a wonderful place, being
} omniscient. What's that place I created early on in my tenure as
} Omniscient and Omnipotent Deity of All Earthly Manifestation?
} Fern Gulch? Moss Valley? Something like that. Anyway, one of my
} favorite inventions. I feel moved to recite...
}
} On her left side the Diva lies
} Round eyes and milky silken thighs
} She's bought it all, what money buys
} Big cars, nice clothes, and famous guys
}     And many-towered Hollywood.
} And up and down the Porsches go
} Gazing where her windows glow
} A beacon to them there below
}      In old West Hollywood
}
} Critics praise, employees shiver,
} Teenage boys do stare and quiver;
} Her PR stunts go on forever
} Like a never-ending river
}      Flowing down to Hollywood.
} A barbed wire fence and uniforms
} Protect her world renowne'd charms
} From all who'd inflict grievous harms
}      On the Lady of WeHo
}
} Only trashmen, sweeping early,
} Unshav'd men, begloved and burly
} Hear a song that echoes cheerly
} From the mansion winding clearly
}      Down to towered Hollywood.
} And by the moon the trashmen weary,
} With bloodshot eyes and voices beery,
} Listening, whisper " 'Tis the eerie
}      Lady of WeHo."
}
} ...well, I could go on like this all night. But let's take a look
} at the cards to see what they say about your romantic life:
}
}    The Cheese-Vizier
}       Your future will include an aromatic, well-rounded man of
}       substantial body and refined texture. He is best taken with
}       a drop of Burgundy, or if you must, a glass of port. Do not
}       eat apples while the two of you are together. Remember the
}       old saying: *buy on apples, sell on cheese*.
}
} Well, that's encouraging so far. Let's see what's next:
}
}    The Five of Tabernacles.
}       You will feel an irresistible urge to genuflect. Do not
}       attempt to smuggle holy books across international borders.
}       A dark man with a thick accent will stumble across you in
}       strange circumstances. Luck in times of flood.
}
} Well, they're a bit obscure sometimes. Were you thinking of
} visiting Southeast Asia during the monsoon season, perhaps? With
} a load of Korans stashed secretively in your luggage? Resist the
} temptation. Next:
}
}    The Eight of Trilobites.
}       You will desire to squish about in the mud on the sea floor.
}
} Aha! so you _were_ planning on Southeast Asia. And now:
}
}    The Three of Trilobites.
}       You will desire to squish about in the mud on the sea floor.
}
} Well, yes. OK. Next:
}
}    The Seventeen of Peanuts
}       You are a sensitive person, filled with the milk of human
}       kindness. You will attract attention from higher-ups,
}       especially if they are ovo-lacto-vegetarians. Beware of
}       soiled kleenexes, they may herald unwanted visitors.
}
} Sound advice, what say? And useful that bit about attracting
} attention. Does this young man live on the floor above you or
} something?
}
} Goodness. Where did I put my teeth?
}
} You owe the oracle one tube of denture fixative.


607-05    (a3dma dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, who knows all things, pray tell me :
>
>       Why do sheep have short fluffy tails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle refuses to answer that question on the grounds that
} it might incriminate him.


607-06    (6hjb5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@otis.EE.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the differences in who gets what vacations off, O wonderous
> Oracle of Trivial Matters and Really Nice Shoes? Some people get
> every Sunday off AND every little beknownst holiday scribbled
> on a caladen (say like -oh- the Post Office) while others get
> only the vacations that cause the Malls to put up signs for
> holiday sales -- the Big Ones (like certain Universities who
> shall remain nameless). Of course, there's also those who never
> take ANY vacations, like yourself, O Oracle of Trivial Shoes
> and Really Nice Matters. Why is that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Well, I certaintly cant speak for other oragnizations, but ours bases
} vacation time on a relatively simple hierarchy.  Heres a list of the
} basic classes of employees:
}
} Class1:
}     The very top of the pyramid here at Usenet Oracularities, inc.,
} this bunch includes Kinzler and other top dogs of the priesthood.
} Generally, they have unlimited vacation time, as their only job is
} to enjoy the massive cashflow produced by commercial endorsements and
} extorsion.  They're generally a rather slack lot, especially Kinzler.
} Too bad the poor fool doesn't realize that he only has 2 years,
} 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days to enjoy himself... Opps! Forget I
} said that!
}
} Class 2:  The oracle priesthood.  Yes, the usual greasy-nerds-with-no-
} life stereotype does apply here.  They get rather liberal vacation
} allowances, though they never use them.  You couldnt pry one of these
} guys loose from the safety of his (or her) computer terminal with a
} crowbar.
}
} Class 3:  The 'galley slaves' of the corporation.  This group consists
} mainly of employees who were caught misbehaving (ie writing Lisa's
} phone # on the men's room stall, or posting questions on behalf of the
} alt.fans.l*murs newsgroup), or those poor souls won by me from Satan
} during one of our frequent poker games.  They get no vacation time at
} all, and spend every waking hour (all 20 of them) working at the
} terminals they're chained to.  They are fed a single bowl of gruel
} flavored with w**dch*k meat (the corpses are easily gathered from the
} perimeter of the main compound's external security system) each day and
} are cleansed and de-loused every sunday.  Their work consists of, for
} the most part, writing cheap and pointless answers to questions not
} deemed worthy of my attention (was this really written by the Oracle
} himself? Haha! You'll never know!!).
}
} This, as I said earlier, is a _very_ basical framework for the work
} hierarchy here.  A complete list of the positions here at Usenet
} Oracularities would be several volumes long. I hope that this has
} enlightened you some, mortal.
}
} You owe the oracle a completed application for the position of
} 'assistant woodchuk grinder' here at Usenet Oracularities.


607-07    (34pga dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Wise and Cool Oracle, Please Answer this simple question for me:
>
> How can I overcome my writers' block?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider.  Writer's block is the psycholinguistic analogue of
} constipation.  To treat constipation, what do you do?  Consume a
} diet high in fiber: crude, indigestible material which in itself
} provides nothing of nutritional value but which facilitates peristaltic
} action.  Now, what would be the linguistic equivalent of non-nutritive
} fiber?
}
} Legal documents, of course.
}
} So the cure is for you to enroll in law school.  In short time your
} writer's block will be cured, and you will be producing voluminous
} quantities of prose on a regular basis.  Analogous in shape, texture,
} odor, and social utility to the product of peristaltic action--but then
} you DID want to be unblocked.
}
} You owe the Oracle your first-born child.


607-08    (crd60 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me truely, oh wise one, for I am in sore need:
>
> Why do I spend so much time on the Internet, instead of getting a real
> life like all those people in the shows on cable TV?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  You are a boring supplicant, and you should grovel more.   I'm feeling
} particularly benevolent today, so I'll let you in on a big secret...
} ...cable tv is the antichrist, and should be stopped at all costs.  The
} people you see there are propaganda devices employed to make the real
} people who run the planet, the intelligentsia, feel like they should
} have social lives.  These propaganda machines also serve the function
} of making the boring pretariate look up to the ideals of cable tv.
} This makes them work even harder.  Look at what cable tv has given
} us...  or rather, who.. Pauly Shore, the Bobbitts, Conan O'Brian, and
} the ringleader of them all, the king of the deviants, pedophile
} supreme, Satan himself:  BARNEY! Barney is evil.  Barney is bad.
} Barney epitomizes cable tv.  When Beavis & Butthead made that
} five-year-old burn down his trailer, kill his sister, and put warnings
} in the beginning of the show,  **it was at the evil command of Barney**
}  In order to crush evil, we must crush Barney. Avoid cable tv.  If you
} ever look at a CRT that has been infected with the essence of evil,
} cable tv, I order you to give youlf 20 lashes with a bicycle chain,
} while singing `I love you, You love me, we're a dysfunctional family'.
} You owe the Oracle five minutes of advertising space during the
} superbowl, a Ford Cortina, and a way to stop all this annoying line
} noise.


607-09    (3bgcg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, whose tusks are always looser,
>
> One of my favorite songs sung by Groucho is
> "Whatever it is, I'm against it", from the movie Horsefeathers.
>
> Now I hear it's being re-recorded and released as a single
> by Bob Dole,
> on the flip side of "Tax and Spend".
>
> What further developments can we expect in political music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look for these coming soon to the Politics section of your local music
} store from Sound Bite Records.
}
}    ARTIST:  Ann Richards, governor of Texas
}    TITLE:  Collider Slippin' Away
}    DESCRIPTION:  Country album.  Includes title song about the death of
} the superconducting supercollider; "Do we Hafta NATFA?"; "Aikman Breaky
} Heart" (about the Dallas Cowboys); "Friends in High Places" (about Bill
} Clinton).
}
}    ARTIST:  Bob Packwood, senator, R-Ore.
}    TITLE:  "Somebody's Watchin' Me" b/w "Twenty-Eight Princesses"
}    DESCRIPTION:  Pop single
}
}    ARTIST:  Janet Reno, attorney general
}    TITLE:  These Boots Are Made for Walkin'
}    DESCRIPTION:  Rock album including "Turn It Down (Or I'll Turn It
} Off)"; "No Automatics for the People"; "The Ballad of NYPD Blue"; and
} "In the Name of Law"
}
}    ARTIST:  Socks the Cat
}    TITLE:  Sock's Favorites Volume 1.
}    DESCRIPTION:  Compilation of cheesy pop songs plus two versions of
} "Jingle Bells"--one performed by dogs and the other by cats.
}
}    ARTIST:  Warren Christopher, secretary of state
}    TITLE:  "I Don't Get No Respect" b/w "What the Hell Are We Doing In
} This Awful Place?"
}    DESCIPTION:  In this blues single Christopher sings about his
} foreign policy experiences.
}
}    ARTIST:  Ross Perot
}    TITLE:  It's That Simple
}    DESCRIPTION:  Rap album including "Talk Show Rappin'"; "Say Goodbye
} to Your Jobs"; "Whoomp! Here I Am"; and "I'm All Ears (Talk to Me)"
}
}    ARTIST:  Hillary Rodham Clinton
}    TITLE:  I Got the Power
}    DESCRIPTION:  Pop/dance EP, including title song; "Don't Worry Be
} Happy (We'll Take Care of Everything)"; and ""People Are Still Having
} Unprotected Sex."
}
} Lisa insisted that I include the following even though it won't be
} available until March 1994.
}
}    ARTIST:  Al Gore, vice-president
}    TITLE:  "Enter Rainforest Man" b/w "We're Gonna Reinvent This
} Government" and "Here Comes the Acid Rain"
}    DESCRIPTION:  Heavy-metal single
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _Rolling Stone_'s Year In Review issue and
} a new set of tusks.


607-10    (76oe7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who, if He ever needed to look
> for a job, which would never happen, except by
> His choice, because no one would dare fire Him,
> would have no trouble finding a new one, please
> answer the query of this pitiful mortal.
>
> Is there a creative way to work the phrase
> "Problem Flatulence" into my resume which
> will ensure that I get a job?  I'm a CS
> major, if it matters.
>
>       I remain,
>       Fractional Wes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy.
}
} \fBPapers Presented\fR
}
}    "A Fractal Model of Problem Flatulence, with Suggestions for Real-
}        Time Terrain Modelling."  3rd Annual International Conference
}        on Fractal Representation, Indianapolis, Indiana, 5 August -
}        8 August 1993.


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