} Unfortunately, it has happened again.
} It has been another long, hard day at school. Your english teacher
} wants that research paper that you haven't worked on for months, your
} Calculus professor just announced a surprise exam, and the astrophysics
} homework is one problem that should only take you the next day and a
} half. You're sweaty, nervous, and you made the mistake of eating at
} McDonald's again.
} You come home to find that your "well-trained" pooch has left what
} looks like Lake Michigan on your carpet, you find that the microwave
} oven has blown a fuse and turned your house into what the EPA calls an
} "environmental threat" which means you only have to pay $500,000 for
} someone to clean it up.
} You turn on the answering machine, only to find that your Visa is way
} over limit, your girlfriend just left you for some guy named Lenny with
} no hair, and you've been fired from your job at Safeway. Just another
} long, hard day.
} Hoping to relax, you sit down at your computer, your one prized
} possession. You spend over ten-thousand on it. The special titanium
} case was one-of-a kind. You've got the 21 inch monitor, the 5 gigabyte
} hard drive, the 17600 BPS fax/modem, the parallel pentium processors,
} the 16.7 quadzillion color S-SVGA card, the sound card that sings
} Madonna tunes on command, the color camera, the TV connection, the
} remote control, the six-disc CD-Rom changer, the most agile and precise
} joysticks ever made, using some kind of moon rock, the color
} scanner that knows Shakespeare, and, of course, the computer-genital
} interface. And about 99% of all programs ever made for PCs. Yes, this
} is your one reason for living, your IBMoreMoney 5000 Special,
} customized for you by some guy in Florida, it was worth the 2000 hours
} at Safeway.
} You sit down and gaze longingly at the blank screen, hoping that
} somehow, it will all get better.
} Beep! You can hear the redundant fail-safe super anti-virus checker
} making sure no one has been able to touch your precious files. Beep!
} Beep! "No virus' found during scan" As you sit there, waiting, you
} watch as the now-famalier "Windows NT" logo comes onto the screen, then
} the "O/S 2.1" logo comes on. Yes, in your madcap ways, you had been
} able to install O/S 2.1 inside Windows NT. The best of both worlds,
} you thought.
} "Connect I-net" you calmly type.
} carefully you spell it out - "Bill Clinton"
} searching your memory, you finally are able to extract it -
} "xxxxxxxxxx" "Now connected to server Superman at Harvard.edu"
} Suddenly, something unexpected happens.
} Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
} A hundred, a thousand, maybe a million times it beeps before you
} realize your hard drive has been running for the last ten minutes.
} Frantically, you reach for the phone line. But it is too late.
} Beep! "Disconnected from server"
} quickly, you type those few letters: "Dir"
} Your worst fears have been realized. Someone, somehow, has unleashed a
} dreadful virus that erased every last file from your Titanium Gold 5
} Gigabyte hard drive that cost $6000 by itself. Every program, every
} last file, every piece of information stored there lost.
} You suddenly realize a drowning feeling. You look down. You just wet
} your pants. No less, the $300 Armani pants. But that doesn't bother
} you so much now as the radiation poisoning which at this very moment is
} decaying your lungs, making each breath of air feel like molasses.
} Your dog just peed on the carpet again. Now he's chewing off your leg.
} You can do nothing to fight back, as you start to lose consciousness.
} Things go blurry. You can barely see the "All files deleted" message
} on the screen anymore. You can no longer feel the dog's razor-like
} teeth in your ankle anymore. You fall to the floor, and smile, a sick
} twisted smile telling the world just where it can shove it. With a
} thud, your head hits the floor, squishing the dog pee around your head.
} Your eyes close. Then all is black.
} "WAKE UP!" You've got to get to class." You look up to see your
} roomate. Your pants are dry and the dog is licking your face. You're
} in bed, a book by your side. You look at the title: "Life and times of
} an Internet Loser" You wonder if it was all a dream.
} When you get to class, your teacher passes out an exam...