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Internet Oracularities #608

Goto:
608, 608-01, 608-02, 608-03, 608-04, 608-05, 608-06, 608-07, 608-08, 608-09, 608-10


Usenet Oracularities #608    (62 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:16:07 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   608
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

608   62 votes 38mib hkk41 9hj98 4fpc6 2ajkb 6bdhf 18mhe 3dne9 5bhja 8dhdb
608   3.2 mean  3.4   2.2   2.8   3.0   3.5   3.4   3.6   3.2   3.3   3.1


608-01    (38mib dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle I think I know this thing about 42 now. I am just wondering
> what about 43 ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The number 43 has some fascinating and mysterious properties:
}
} * It is the first prime number, besides 7, the sum of whose digits
}   equals the mystical number 7!
}
} * If you reverse its digits you get 34, the sum of whose digits is
}   also 7!
}
} * 34 is the product of 2 x 17.  17 is the first prime number after
}   7 that contains the mystical number 7!
}
} * 43 times 34 equals 1462 ; 1 + 4 + 6 + 2 = 13;
}   if you take the SUM of 13, 1 + 3 = 4, and the PRODUCT, 1 x 3 = 3,
}   you get 43 again!!  Now, look at that number 1462 once more:
}
}                1 * ( 4 + ( 6 / 2 ) ) = 7   !!!!!
}
} * 43 squared equals 1849, the year of the California Gold Rush and
}   of course the Forty-Niners.  49 is the square of 7!!!
}
} * 43! equals approximately 6.04 x 10^52.  The sum of the digits in the
}   exponent, 5 + 2, is . . . 7 !!!!!
}
} * The septadecimal (base 7) representation of 43 is 61.  6 + 1 = 7
}
} 42 ain't got NOTHING that 43 don't have!


608-02    (hkk41 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who not only understands the innermost mysteries of
> the universe but is responsible for creating many of them, please
> answer me this one if you're so damn smart.
>
> Science is marching on.  Geneticists are finding all sorts of fun
> things to do with gene-splicing, like inserting genes from oak trees
> into straberries to increase their hardiness and inserting genes from
> dogs into celery to make it smarter.
>
> My question is this:  if you insert the genes of a pig into a tomato,
> does that make the tomato trayf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Years* ago I tinkered with genetics, haha brings back some
} memories...especially that earthworm with Micheal Jackson's head, that
} thing just sat around in the cage all day and...haha, oh never mind.
} Now back to your question, hmm let's see...A pig and a tomatoe eh? Did
} I ever do that one? Let's see ...pig has..right 45
} chromso...tomatoe..that's 56...carry the 1...that chain links up with
} that acid...right, yup OK it works, yes *veeeery* nice. Makes the
} tomatoe pink and hairy, but as far as trayfness, no you're not going
} to be able to increase that with pig genes, now try lama genes, there
} you're going to make it trayf.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pizza marinara.


608-03    (9hj98 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle,
>
> Someone told me today that I was going to kill my father and marry my
> mother. Should I worry? Have you ever heard of something like that
> happening?
>
> Just wondering...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are suffering from the Edifice complex.  After you assault and/or
} marry your relatives, you will feel a compulsive urge to erect a tall
} office building.


608-04    (4fpc6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and tells all (for a price) I
> humbly beg an answer from you:
>
> Why is it in this day and age my company STILL has me working on
> hardware with an 8088 processor?  To get rid of these antiques I've
> tried spilling coffee into them, plugging them into my 220v Clothes
> Dryer outlet, and even a guest shot on the "Chevy Chase Show" (which is
> sure to send anything to oblivion).   How do they keep coming back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 8088's are durable because they use the highest quality in vacuum
} tubes.
}
} <<< ducking a tomato >>>
}
} OK... sorry about that.
} Actually, to fill you in, your computers aren't really running on
} 8088's. They're merely operating under the Microsoft Windows
} environment.
}
} <<< ducking tomatoes >>>
}
} OK.... I got a better one.
}
} Maybe if you quit breaking all their computers, they wouldn't have to
} keep replacing them and they could upgrade!
}
} OK.. that should work.
}
} You owe the Oracle a CGA card... and if you can make it the buggy kind
} that puts snow on the screen and flashes the whole screen whenever it
} tries to scroll... and also give me a monochrome monitor, and the kind
} of cable that makes all the colors the same intensity, so I have no
} idea whats on the screen, and if you could have the monitor be one of
} those that has over a dozen different pornographic pictures burned in
} on the screen, and... and if you could get the kind that has the screen
} permanently shifted to the left so far you can't see the C:\ prompt,
} and even if you could, it would be burned in.. ))SLAP!((.. sorry, the
} Oracle has the same problem.


608-05    (2ajkb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle what do you want for christmas presents ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being omniscient can be frustrating at times. Not only do I know what
} I want for christmas presents, I also know what I am going to get,
} what I will feel like, what I will say to Auntie Dot, and at what
} point I will fall backwards into the punch, to the hilarity of those
} present, and many not.
}
} However, with a due sense of resignation and dread, I append the
} following:
}
} What I Want       What I Get  What I Say       What I Think
} ~~~~~~~~~~~       ~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~       ~~~~~~~~~~~~
} The Macallan      Xmas socks  How amusing!     How about a whisky?
} BBC Radio 4       Xmas socks  How original!    How much more can I take?
} A nice brisk walk Lost        Where am I?      Where am I?
} Pi                e           How irrational!  4-4/3+4/5-4/7+4/9...
} Game Pie          GameBoy     Just once more   Pow! Pow! Pow!
} A nice kip        An ice pick Who picked this? ZZZzzzzzz.
} Answers           Questions   Nothing          Everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle an amusing card that plays "Jingle Bells" in F#,
} and a pair of highly amusing Christmas socks.


608-06    (6bdhf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh no.
> Not again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, it has happened again.
}
} It has been another long, hard day at school.  Your english teacher
} wants that research paper that you haven't worked on for months, your
} Calculus professor just announced a surprise exam, and the astrophysics
} homework is one problem that should only take you the next day and a
} half.  You're sweaty, nervous, and you made the mistake of eating at
} McDonald's again.
}
} You come home to find that your "well-trained" pooch has left what
} looks like Lake Michigan on your carpet, you find that the microwave
} oven has blown a fuse and turned your house into what the EPA calls an
} "environmental threat" which means you only have to pay $500,000 for
} someone to clean it up.
}
} You turn on the answering machine, only to find that your Visa is way
} over limit, your girlfriend just left you for some guy named Lenny with
} no hair, and you've been fired from your job at Safeway.  Just another
} long, hard day.
}
} Hoping to relax, you sit down at your computer, your one prized
} possession.  You spend over ten-thousand on it.  The special titanium
} case was one-of-a kind. You've got the 21 inch monitor, the 5 gigabyte
} hard drive, the 17600 BPS fax/modem, the parallel pentium processors,
} the 16.7 quadzillion color S-SVGA card, the sound card that sings
} Madonna tunes on command, the color camera, the TV connection, the
} remote control, the six-disc CD-Rom changer, the most agile and precise
} joysticks ever made, using some kind of moon rock, the color
} scanner that knows Shakespeare, and, of course, the computer-genital
} interface. And about 99% of all programs ever made for PCs. Yes, this
} is your one reason for living, your IBMoreMoney 5000 Special,
} customized for you by some guy in Florida, it was worth the 2000 hours
} at Safeway.
}
} You sit down and gaze longingly at the blank screen, hoping that
} somehow, it will all get better.
}
} Beep! You can hear the redundant fail-safe super anti-virus checker
} making sure no one has been able to touch your precious files.  Beep!
} Beep! "No virus' found during scan"  As you sit there, waiting, you
} watch as the now-famalier "Windows NT" logo comes onto the screen, then
} the "O/S 2.1" logo comes on.  Yes, in your madcap ways, you had been
} able to install O/S 2.1 inside Windows NT.  The best of both worlds,
} you thought.
}
} "Connect I-net" you calmly type.
}
} Beep!
} "Login:"
} carefully you spell it out - "Bill Clinton"
} Beep!
} "Password:"
} searching your memory, you finally are able to extract it -
} "xxxxxxxxxx" "Now connected to server Superman at Harvard.edu"
}
} Suddenly, something unexpected happens.
} Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
} A hundred, a thousand, maybe a million times it beeps before you
} realize your hard drive has been running for the last ten minutes.
}
} Frantically, you reach for the phone line.  But it is too late.
} Beep! "Disconnected from server"
}
} quickly, you type those few letters: "Dir"
} "/"
}
} Your worst fears have been realized.  Someone, somehow, has unleashed a
} dreadful virus that erased every last file from your Titanium Gold 5
} Gigabyte hard drive that cost $6000 by itself.  Every program, every
} last file, every piece of information stored there lost.
}
} You suddenly realize a drowning feeling.  You look down.  You just wet
} your pants.  No less, the $300 Armani pants.  But that doesn't bother
} you so much now as the radiation poisoning which at this very moment is
} decaying your lungs, making each breath of air feel like molasses.
} Your dog just peed on the carpet again.  Now he's chewing off your leg.
} You can do nothing to fight back, as you start to lose consciousness.
} Things go blurry.  You can barely see the "All files deleted" message
} on the screen anymore.  You can no longer feel the dog's razor-like
} teeth in your ankle anymore.  You fall to the floor, and smile, a sick
} twisted smile telling the world just where it can shove it.  With a
} thud, your head hits the floor, squishing the dog pee around your head.
} Your eyes close.  Then all is black.
}
} "WAKE UP!"  You've got to get to class."  You look up to see your
} roomate.  Your pants are dry and the dog is licking your face.  You're
} in bed, a book by your side.  You look at the title: "Life and times of
} an Internet Loser"  You wonder if it was all a dream.
}
} When you get to class, your teacher passes out an exam...


608-07    (18mhe dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, master of all knowledge, what does UNIX stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ken Thompson claims that UNIX is "a weak pun on Multics," but this is
} a lie.  UNIX is a weak pun on eunuch.  Look around you.  Are any of
} your male peers ever going to reproduce?  And if their significant
} others DO become pregnant-- will you not doubt the identity of the
} father?
}
} UNIX is not all that impressive an operating system.  Why, then, is it
} so popular?  *UNIX is addictive!*  And, just like heroin, the UNIX
} drive quickly displaces the sex drive.  (Oh, sure, computer geeks talk
} a lot about wanting to get laid... but do they ever *do* anything
} about it?)
}
} Yet terrible as UNIX addiction is, there are worse fates.  If UNIX is
} the heroin of operating systems, then VMS is barbiturate addiction,
} the Mac is MDMA, and MS-DOS is sniffing glue.  (Windows is filling
} your sinuses with lucite and letting it set.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve step program.


608-08    (3dne9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a woodchuck would grovel, what would it do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a tough one.  I can make a few educated guesses though:
}
} 1.  "O mighty and powerful Oracle who" -- <ZOT!>
}     [woodchuck is instantly vaporized and never bothers the Oracle
}      again]
}
} That's the most likely outcome.  But suppose the Oracular
} All-Powerful and Pretty-Damn-Frightening Supplicant Punishment device
} (i.e. the ZOTer) was not working, and so the woodchuck was actually
} able to finish the grovel, then things would get more interesting:
}
} 2.  "O mighty and powerful Oracle who is much too kind at heart to
} ZOT an innocent woodchuck such as myself . . . "
}
}    [woodchuck waits in anxious anticipation of impending <ZOT!> . . .
}     . . . then breaths a sigh of relief when no <ZOT!> comes.]
}
} " . . . please tell me:  how many ZOTs could an Oracle ZOT if an
} Oracle could ZOT ZOTs?"
}
} Of course, depending on the exact woodchuck asking the question, the
} specific content of the question could vary:
}
} space-faring wookchuck:
}
} How much space could a spaceship ship if a spaceship could ship
} space?
}
} dyslexic woodchuck:
}
} How much chuck would a chuckwood wood if a chuckwood could wood
} chuck?
}
} hungry woodchuck:
}
} How much soda could a soda cracker crack if a soda cracker could
} crack soda?
}
} British woodchuck:
}
} How much cup could a tea cup cup if a tea cup could cup tea?
}    -or-
} How much time could tea time time if tea time could time tea?
}
} Dead woodchuck:
}
} Confused woodchuck:
}
} How far south would I travel east if I could travel southeast.
}
} Hacker woodchuck:
}
} (a)  How many disks could a disk drive drive if a disk drive could
}      drive disks?
}
} (b)  How much C could a C shell shell if a C shell could shell C?
}
} Omniscient woodchuck:
}
} Move over Orrie, this is my job now!!!
}
} Well there you have it.  As a final note, I must inform you that all
} of this is purely hypothetical.  No woodchuck has ever asked me a
} question (usually because they don't survive long enough) so I can't
} draw from actual experience.
}
} You owe the Oracle a toothbrush that could brush tooth if the
} toothbrush could brush tooth.


608-09    (5bhja dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> @@@ This is a compressed Oracular Request
> @@@ Compression method: Oracular Optimum Compression v9.23
> @@@ Compressed size: 1 byte.
>
> ~

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} @@@ This is an expanded Oracular Answer
} @@@ Expansion method: Oracular Optimum Expansion v1.01
} @@@ Expanded size:
} expANDED SIZE: G"&
} Arithmetic Overflow
} Core Dumped


608-10    (8dhdb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard in a movie,
> "There are some things man was not meant to know."
>
> For example?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That your car is being towed for parking in the theatres handicapped
} spaces.
}
} Have a nice walk home.


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