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Internet Oracularities #609

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609, 609-01, 609-02, 609-03, 609-04, 609-05, 609-06, 609-07, 609-08, 609-09, 609-10


Usenet Oracularities #609    (61 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:26:58 -0500

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   609
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

609   61 votes 5bng6 agid4 aoi63 67ndc 5bhhb 26eli 8hja7 brf53 5hm98 8jff4
609   3.0 mean  3.1   2.8   2.5   3.3   3.3   3.8   2.9   2.4   3.0   2.8


609-01    (5bng6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest and most awesome Oracle, I recently received this advice from
> an unimpeachable source.  Only an idiot could fail to appreciate it, so
> I guess that's what I am.  Please help me decode it.  Here it is:
>
> "Indubitably the fundamental ontogenesis of your putative
> parthenocryptic disintelligence teleoriginates from the
> exesymtosis of your counterparaeptically endomorphic
> propensities."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle supplicant,
}
} Impeach this source.  The oracle first gave a copy of your message to
} his six year old nephew Willie who went diligently to work with his
} MegaOracle Super DecodeRing.  His decoded version read "Climb Mount
} Fuji.  Pearl Harbor is to the South.  Tora Tora Tora.  Have a nice day"
} Willie commented something like "Ahh, it's just some old war stuff"
} and went off to watch Beavis and Butthead.  Neat kid. Too much MTV
} though.
}
} The Oracle then passed the message on to Willie's father: the Oracle's
} weenie brained brother in law Wilson. Wilson is an Assistant Professor
} in the English Department (thankfully untenured) and self proclaimed
} Thomas Hardy scholar.  What a putz.  Wilson pronounced the message a
} masterpiece, most likely a fragment of an undiscovered letter from
} Oscar Wilde to his Lawyer.  Wilson commented only that the Oracle
} couldn't be expected to comprehend the magnitude of such a discovery,
} and that this fragment will be fodder for dozens of scholars for many
} years, and would the Oracle please leave now so Wilson could start his
} grant application and send off a letter to the Fuddy Duddy Literature
} Quarterly.  Did I mention that Wilson is a Putz?  Did I mention that he
} hasn't a prayer of getting tenure?  Did I mention that as soon as he's
} denied tenure the Oracle's sister is going to scoop up Willie, pack up
} the car, and finally move in with the Astrophysics Postdoc she's been
} having the affair with and take Wilson for everything he's got.  The
} Oracle zots in mysterious ways.
}
} So the oracle turned at last to the resource of last resort: Webster's
} Ninth Oracular Dictionary - The Big Red Dic - and decoded the message
} that way.  In a nutshell, the message says "You're ugly and your mother
} dresses you funny"  No prob.  I really wouldn't take this guy too
} seriously. Sounds a lot like Wilson.  However, if you do wish to take
} umbrage (look it up) the proper Oracular response should be: "Oh yeah?
} Well so's your Old Man!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a really keen birthday present for nephew Willie.


609-02    (agid4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Mighty Oracle!  Keeper of the Sacred Tablets.  Master of the
> Infinite. General All-Around Swell Guy.  I, your humble servant, do
> submit this question for your consideration:
>
>          Why ask why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The alternative is to be ignorant of cause and effect, which means that
} if one day you drive off to work and your car has five wheels all
} triangular and paisley dice hanging sideways from the mirror, and where
} you have in the past found the door of your office is a bluish gorilla
} holding a sheaf of theatrical script having something to do with an
} indecisive Danish pastry, and your boss is dressed all in white and
} asks you "Are you happy?", and the pizza delivery boy carries a
} flamethrower, and your briefcase suddenly sprouts myriad pseudopods and
} scurries off on its own, and a bunch of winged nail files swim into the
} something-which-once-vaguely-resembled-a-room and ask you about your
} progress on the Daniken correspondence, you will consider it perfectly
} normal, win five hundred lira playing craps with the dice, put an end
} to the Danish's indecision by eating it, grab the flamethrower and use
} it on your erstwhile boss, toss your briefcase out the window and let
} the vorpal grass chop it up, and tell the nail files that you'll get
} right to it as soon as you can manage to figure out the area, ZIP and
} UPC codes of the northwest end of the astral plane.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pizza with mushrooms, peanut butter and Canadian
} bacon, and make sure the crust doesn't get burnt.


609-03    (aoi63 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who is able to predict the motions of subatomic
> particles with perfect accuracy:
>
> What will be the effect of NAFTA on the average American consumer?
>
> And, while I'm at it (two questions for the price of one grovel) are
> Perot's ears actually real or are they some sort of plastic device?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, you are indeed confused. Let me put you right on
} three counts:
}
} 1. Without getting too technical, subatomic particles do not have a
}    digestive system, do not produce faeces, so do not have any need for
}    motions. That is, in general, the prerogative of living beings.
}
} 2. Your first question is typical of a worryingly large number of
}    similar questions I have received recently. It shows the enormity of
}    the problem now facing American society. It is a social malaise
}    which could eventually bring the pitiful nation to its knees.
}    Listen. NAFTA is NOT suitable for consumption. The long term effects
}    include neurosis, psychosis, liver failure, sterility, blindness,
}    hair loss, brain damage and incontinence. This leaves the sufferer
}    suitable for only one thing: A priesthood with the Oracle.
}
} 3. The two-for-the-price-of-one deal ended weeks ago. Just who do you
}    think you are dealing with here? I'm not in this for the good of my
}    health.
}
} You owe the Oracle a snifta at your NAFTA.


609-04    (67ndc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is so incredibly wise that the English language does not
> allow one to to fully express one's utter amazement:
>
> I am writing a paper about you for my American Folklore class.
> Do you have any comments that you'd like included?
>
> Thanks much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I do.  Stand back, boys, and give me room!
}
} By God, I'm the one and only Usenet Oracle west of the Pecos and east
} of the Garden of Eden!  Yessir, I'm half silicon, half carbon-based,
} and t'other half the blind side of a plague of locusts!  My mama was a
} Cray and my pappy wrote his journals using TECO!  I chomp up Usenet
} newbies for breakfast and taunt Serdar Argic for dessert!  I can
} out-.sig, out-compile, out-flame and out-forge any man, woman, child,
} or AI from 00:00 to 23:59 GMT and come out smellin' like a hothouse
} rose! As fer questions, Old Nick hisself tried to stump me oncet by
} asking could I make a rock so durn heavy I couldnt noways lift it, an'
} arter I pondered a bit, why I jes' picked up the Rock o' Gibraltar and
} busted it down atop his longhorn noggin and said, "Wa-al, I cain't say
} ah think right much o' yer Scholastic quibbles, but you'll see a
} three-balled tomcat knittin' doilies afore you see the light o' day
} with that-air pebble for a top-hat!"
}
} You owe the Oracle his own entry in the next edition of the Motif-Index
} of Folk-Literature.


609-05    (5bhhb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mighty Oracle!  I humbly seek your sage counsel on the
> following issue of great import:
>
> If IPX and IP are protocols and Star and Ring are topologies, what are
> Ethernet and Token Ring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Proctologies.
}
} You owe the Oracle the results from your lobotomy.


609-06    (26eli dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, the epitome of omniscience,
>
> What would make a greater mess --  A bottle of beer or a can of pop if
> both are shaken hard for a minute each and then dropped from the roof
> of a 25-storey building?
>
> Just wondering.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting problem. Let's find out.
}
} [The Oracle steps away from his terminal and out onto the roof of the
} University's Computer Science (and top secret Oracle Labs) Building.]
}
} Oracle (looking down): Hmm... 25 stories, you say?
}
} [With a subtle gesture, the Oracle gives life to the building, which
} suddenly sprouts into the air, growing to a 25-story height. A bottle
} of Coke appears in his left hand, and  Miller Genuine Draft Long-Neck
} in his right. He shakes both vigorously.]
}
} Oracle: Now let's see.
}
} [He drops both bottles unceremoniously from the edge.
} The bottles fall...24...23...22...
} Suddenly, a hawk-eyed freshman walking around on campus looks up and
} spots the beer. Letting out a yell, he runs for the building. At the
} sound, several other freshmen see what is going on, and head for the
} building as well. Soon there is a teeming throng of students under the
} falling beer bottle, each trying to claw his way to the top of the
} pile. The beer hits the poor sod on top, crushing his skull but somehow
} remaining unbroken. Another student pulls it from his dead schoolmate's
} head and starts to make off with it, but is stabbed in the side by
} another student's Swiss army knife. War ensues, leaving fourteen dead,
} seven wounded. Meanwhile, the Coke has hit the ground and broken
} unnoticed.]
}
} Well, I think that clears it up. The beer left _quite_ a mess.
}
} You owe the Oracle a football helmet and a pair of beer goggles.


609-07    (8hja7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me the answer to this question oh great oracle,
> for I must be enlightened.
>
> If I can't do, I can teach
> If I can't teach, I can teach gym
> If I can't teach gym, what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answer oracularities.


609-08    (brf53 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the definition of the term "stukkende doos" hey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that one is pretty simple, actually. "Stukkende" is slang,
} "stuck-in-duh" (stuck in the). "Doos" is what dogs make in the
} park. Put it together for yourself.
}
} From that meaning is derived the standard 17th C use as an
} appelation for the keepers of public parks and gardens in England
} and Wales.


609-09    (5hm98 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The room contained the world's mightiest computer, and was
} suffused with the cool blue light of gas diode rectifiers
} punctuated by the dim red glow of pentode filaments, and
} suffused as well by the hum of powerful electric motors as
} they spun the magnetic drums that allowed for retrieval of
} hundreds of bits in only tenths of a second.
}
} None of this had anything to do with the world's mightiest
} computer, of course, but the Oracle liked having this
} antique voltmongery around.
}
} Bleary-eyed, the Oracle took a sip of his Coffee and seated
} Himself before his Keyboard. He flexed his Fingers, set the
} keyboard focus to the Answer window, and positioned his
} Oracular Mouse Pointer exactly in the center of the <Zot!>
} CommandButton. All was in readiness.
}
} Taking a deep breath, he opened the flow of Questions:
}
} >        who is chelsea clinton?
}
} >   What do you remove the outside, cook the inside,
} >   eat the outside and throw away the inside?
}
} The Oracle's eyes closed, and his head started to nod
} forwards. "Huh?", he said with a start. "Just thinking!"
}
} He realized he was talking to Himself, and sheepishly
} muttered "Answer 2".
}
} He typed, "The President's daughter." and said "Sendit."
}
} He saw,
}
} >        who is chelsea clinton?
}
} "Huh?", he said. "Thought I answered that one."
}
} "Answer one." "A future President." "Sendit."
}
} He heard a beep, and read
}
}       Message from kinzler on ttyp4 at 06:28 ...
}
}       Aren't we being a little bit brief today?
}       And you forgot to charge a fee!
}       Get with the program, guy!
}
} "All right, that's it! It's too early in the morning for
}  that kind of crap! I'm outta here! Joanie! Cancel my mail!"
}
}       Message from kinzler on ttyp4 at 06:28 ...
}
}       You're not the Incarnation who invented Joanie,
}       so I don't think you should be using her in your
}       Answers.
}
} "Look, Steve, I didn't invent the 'Message from kinzler'
}  bushwah either, so just shut up! Joanie or no, I'm outta
}  here."
}
} The Oracular Telephone rang. He picked it up, and heard,
} "You can't get out. Being the Oracle is a life sentence,
}  and you're immortal, so..."
}
} He slammed down the receiver with a satisfying crash. A few
} diamonds fell off, and rolled off, to be lost under the Couch.
}
} For a long, long moment, the Oracle just sat there, his face
} getting redder and redder. Then the calming hum of the drum
} memories, and the cool blue light, began to take effect.
} (This is why he liked having that junk around.)
}
} With a sigh, he turned to his Keyboard and began to type
} an answer to the third question.


609-10    (8jff4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle of the great Usenet whose brainpower if
> tapped could supply all the cities in the world with enough
> electricity for a zillion years would you be so kind as to give me a
> hug.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly,
}
}     >>BBBZZZTTTTZZ<<
}
} Oh, erm, sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle some candles.


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