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Internet Oracularities #610

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610, 610-01, 610-02, 610-03, 610-04, 610-05, 610-06, 610-07, 610-08, 610-09, 610-10


Usenet Oracularities #610    (59 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1993 12:00:46 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   610
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

610   59 votes hjab2 8bih5 37dme 68boa blh55 6bdaj 7flc4 36gke hoc60 5egf9
610   3.0 mean  2.4   3.0   3.6   3.4   2.5   3.4   2.8   3.6   2.1   3.2


610-01    (hjab2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great oracle, whose eminance is greater than all the
> anomosity in the world:
>
> Why is it human nature to seek to deprive others of their rights to be
> human?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it is so much better to be Klingon.
}
} Qapla'!


610-02    (8bih5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I so adore your Wisdom that I have obtained your oldest
> and dustiest collected Oracularities from mailserv@cs.indiana.edu
>
> Upon reading them, I have noticed a disturbing trend: many of the
> fairly-recent Questions are nothing but repetitions of the oldest
> ones, such as
>
> > Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face?  or is
> > I wish I had a scroll.  How could I get one, Senator?
> > If you were traveling in a vehicle moving at lightspeed, and
>
> (and, of course, the ever-popular 019-10).
>
> It seems as though we mortals have exhausted our inventiveness and
> can think of no new Questions. You, of course, already know what
> Questions we could be asking, were we but wise enough...
>
> Your answers, Oh great Oracle, are ever perfect, wise, and witty.
> Dare I ask, then, why is it that, when these Questions are repeated,
> You do not simply answer in the same way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I refer the supplicant to Oracularity 045.8 for a complete answer to
} this question. C.f. 057.2, 078.5 and the very informative 105.3.
}
} You owe the Oracle a woodchuck question (my god --- what am I saying?).


610-03    (37dme dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wise one whose inner strength is greater than that of th e
> World Federation of Wrestling:
>
> I am 13 years old and attracted to myself.  I have pictures of myself
> on my walls, and I evn even have my own name tattooed on my right
> buttock, however, every time I want to ask myself I loose all courage.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Poor human.  Yes, vanity can be truly one of the more painful
} emotions, particularily when the object of your love chooses not to
} reciprocate.  But you, however, still need to discover whether the love
} of your life feels the same way about you.
}       You need not ask yourself out so blantantly.  It is probably
} better to start out small.  Start out by saying "Hi" to yourself when
} you we yourself in the mirror.  If you and yourself find yourselves
} working on a similar project at school, ask yourself how you are doing.
} If you appear to be in difficulty, help yourself.  If you continue
} this for a while, you will gradually become more acquainted with
} yourself.
}       Now it is time to make your move.  Offer to carry your books home
} from school.  Tell yourself jokes that you'll know you'll like.  As
} time, goes on, you'll find that you have become attracted to yourself.
}       Finally, ask yourself to accompany you to some event.  It need
} not be anything special, perhaps a school sports event.  Make sure
} that you choose something that you like.  If this goes over well,
} ask yourself if you would like to go somewhere to eat.  If you do,
} try to pay the check. You will want to pick up the other half of the
} bill, but you should refuse -- for a while.
}       Now that you like and respect yourself, it's time to act like a
} cad and try to take advantage of yourself.  Start out with hand-holding,
} then move on to self-hugs.  Kiss yourself passionately.  Then, when the
} conditions are right, find a secluded spot and make passionate love to
} yourself.  It is important, that you respect yourself and listen to
} what you are saying. Remember, that this act is for growing closer, not
} just for cheap thrills. Wear a condom.  You wouldn't want to give
} yourself any diseases, would you?
}       I wish you great success in courting yourself.
}       *Sigh*  Nothing like young people in love...
}
}       You owe the Oracle a compilation of postings from
} alt.masturbation.


610-04    (68boa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What use is a belly-button?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The Oracle peers down.  "Hmm... this could be a tough one."  He
} wanders over to a dusty stack of CD-ROMS, Atari game cartriges,
} 8-track cassettes, and 8" floppy disks.  He finally fishes out a drab
} manual entitled "IBM Field Service Representative Guide version
} 0.0001a". Flipping through dozens of pages labeled "This page
} intentionally left blank", he finally finds a listing of button
} add-ons.  On buttons, off buttons, red nuclear war buttons ("Hmm, gotta
} get me one of those"), cute-as-a-buttons, but no belly buttons.
}
}    Finally, he calls out, "Lisa! What's the use of belly buttons?"
}
}    The stunningly beautiful Lisa walks into the room, pulls up the
} Oracle's shirt and blows hard against his belly button, as the Oracle
} shouts,  "Whee-he-he WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW HOW HOW WHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!
} ZOWIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
}
}    You owe the Oracle an IBM compatible belly-button lint remover and
} a cold shower.


610-05    (blh55 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who art plusher than any overstuffed couch ...
>
> I love you
> you love me
> we're a happy family
> with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
> won't you say you love me too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, and I'll explain why. Because you *mock* me with that mantra. Just
} as a kitten bats the mutilated carcass of a bird with his paw, you
} taunt me, you *play* with me! Interesting, because I come to the
} threshold of loosing control, I *want* to love you believe me I do,
} but (sobbing) ...it's so hard...(sniff), that verse is just soooooooo
} beautiful, so melodic, your hue sooooooo purple, your died foam rubber
} skin, like an overfilled hot water bottle, your eyes, like billiard
} balls, ah! your wooden teeth....(sniff)...NO! I MUST BE STRONG! I
} cannot love you, alas I cannot ..... love .....you..... Don't worry,
} another unemployed actor in a dinosaur suit will come along for you, I
} promise.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Jurrasic Park: The movie".


610-06    (6bdaj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Sweet Wonderfully Omnicscient (And I'm sure *gorgeous*) Oracle,
>
> PUH-LEASE tell me:
> What do you think of Angband and has any mortal in history ever PRVOED
> he/she won without backup files?
>
> Thanks,
>
> Frustrated (and Sleepless due to Angband addiction) in Kalamazoo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is rather surprising indeed that people don't ask more often about
} the great Scottish Battle of the Bands VI.  It was a night of heavy
} metal bagpipe as only the Scots can play it.  Angband in particular put
} forth a powerful performance.  (Bit of Trivia: Angband is short for
} Angus-Band, although nobody really makes the association any more,
} since Angus left the group to do solo work after they put out their
} first album.)
}
} The group had not only an incredible audio *electricity*, but also a
} lyrical hypnotism.  This was combined with the visual sensation created
} by putting forty extra singers on stage; placed in a single file line
} of 10 people behind each band member.  The song they opened with still
} sends a chill down my spine.  Hold on, let me put in the CD... hmm, I
} believe that's on their "I Kilt a Man" album.
}
} <An emotional bagpipe scream pierces the air as track 1 hits like a
}  freight train whistle.>
}
} "You can eat those Lucky Charms,
}     all day if you want to...
}  But don't ask me 'bout leprechauns,
}       I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DO!
}
}  You might like that Siamese Cat...
}     that's sitting in your lap!
}  But if something isn't Scottish, then,
}       THE FACT IS THAT IT'S CRAP!
}
}  Hop SCOTCH!
}     This SWISS watch!
}  It's crap!  It's crap!
}     If it's NOT Scottish it's CRAP!
}  It's crap!  It's crap!..."
}
} Wow.  Still has the same effect.
}
} So in response to your first question, the Oracle likes Angband quite a
} bit, and has all of their CD's.  That isn't counting the singles, of
} course, because I really don't find enough variation between the mixes
} to justify paying the $5.99 + tax.  (If you ask me, the "Scottish
} TERRiOR" mix of _Hop Scotch_ sounds almost *exactly* like the 7"
} version, just with a slight reversal in acoustic roles played by the
} bagpipes and electric guitar.)
}
} And secondly, because Angband in reality DID have backup files singing
} along in the contest, whether or not they would have won without them
} is a purely hypothetical question.  Humans don't have the capability to
} ever PROVE the outcomes of hypothetical situations (one of the real
} limitations of your species), so alas, it has never happened and never
} will happen.
}
} But if it makes you feel any better, the Oracle will tell you the
} answer--- Yes.  Angband could have won without the added audio/visual
} glitz.  They're just superior musicians.  And in a competition against
} second rate bagpipe metal like Iron Lassie, I don't think they could
} have lost if they just threw down their pipes and played kazoos
} instead.
}
} Oh, and you don't have to be worried about which gender pronoun to use
} when referring to a band.  Although ships have historically been
} referred to as "she", convention currently dictates that all bands are
} "he," with the very few exceptions of "Enya," "Wilson Phillips," and
} "Gerardo."
}
} You owe the Oracle a politically correct gender pronoun for people who
} live in Kalamazoo and refer to the Omniscient One as "Sweet."


610-07    (7flc4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Most Wise and Benevolent Oracle,
>
> Please tell me Why do idiots in congress pass dumb-ass laws like the
> Brady Bill that will only affect people who decide to obey the law
> anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Well, actually, in principle that applies to any law, no? Any law
} that's hard to enforce affects only those who obey it...
}
}     The principle of the Brady Bill is a pervasive law of American
} politics. It's called the Dumbass Compromise. The way it works is,
} you start with two extreme and idiotic positions. For instance:
}
} NRA GUN NUT: "All American school children have the right to carry
} grenade launchers."
}
} CAMPUS PC ACTIVIST: "Ban Super Soakers!"
}
} Now, to perform a true Dumbass Compromise, you don't make any effort
} to come up with an intelligent solution, you don't make any effort
} to understand the conflict of principles involved, and you don't try
} to figure out what's acceptable to the overwhelming majority of the
} general public. You just find the two most extreme positions you can,
} and pick (at random) something that's between the two.
}
} In fact, the Dumbass Compromise method is hardly limited to the
} U.S. In Canada, where constitutional negotiations drag on and on,
} politicians have come up with one Dumbass Compromise after another.
} They've all wound up on the scrap heap, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a five-day waiting period on abortions. Hey, it's
} a compromise.


610-08    (36gke dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who knows who he is and what he's doing at all times,
>
> Who am I?
>
> And what am I doing here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who are you? Well, let's try this handy-dandy personality quiz:
}
} 1. When you go to sleep at night, you think about:
} a) Death
} b) Work
} c) The next day
} d) The person sleeping next to you
} e) I sleep during the day, actually
} f) <yawn> Sleep?
}
} 2. When you wake up in the morning, you:
} a) Shiver
} b) Yawn
} c) Groan
} d) Turn over and go right back to sleep
} e) Kick yourself for having fallen asleep when you did
} f) Wonder how you got where you are
}
} 3. Which of the following jobs is closest to your job:
} a) Undertaker
} b) MAKE.MONEY.FAST
} c) Politician
} d) None of these is close *or* unemployed
} e) Student
} f) Cashier at a music store
}
} 4. During the evening, besides work you:
} a) Read epic poems and weep
} b) Turn in early
} c) Watch hilarious sitcoms like Family Matters and Saved by the Bell
} d) Watch hilarious sitcoms like Seinfeld
} e) Catch the game with your pals
} f) Um, the last evening I really remember was in 1986
}
} 5. Given a choice of movies, you'd go see:
} a) Eastern European amination
} b) Documentaries
} c) Lawrence of Arabia, again!
} d) The latest John Hughes, with your kids
} e) An action flick
} f) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
}
} 6. What is your favorite music?
} a) Gregorian chants
} b) Actually, children's music really grows on you!
} c) Country/western
} d) Classical
} e) Rock
} f) Just a sec--lemme turn this down--what'd you say?
}
} 7. There's a party next door, but you're not invited. You:
} a) Call the police and ask them to enforce noise bylaws
} b) Mind your own business
} c) Feel left out
} d) Crash it
} e) That doesn't apply to me--I'd be invited
} f) That doesn't apply to me--the party would be at my place
}
} 8. When doing work at home, you:
} a) Slave away
} b) Take timed breaks
} c) Turn on background music
} d) Turn on the TV in the background
} e) Are saving yourself the money from photocopying someone else's
} f) Kick yourself, and stop
}
} 9. Reflecting on your childhood, you:
} a) Regret the many wasted years
} b) Opine about the good old days
} c) Can't remember a damn thing
} d) Still love telling that story about the gorgeous teacher
} e) Hah! My childhood hasn't ended yet
} f) Can't believe you didn't like the taste of beer
}
} 10. You have an empty pop can. You:
} a) Complain about health problems caused by aluminum
} b) Have wasted your money on pop
} c) Buy another can
} d) Recycle
} e) Crush it underfoot
} f) Wonder why it's not an empty beer can
}
} 11. My sexual preference is:
} a) No, thanks
} b) Yes, please
}
} 12. At parties, I am:
} a) The designated driver
} b) The designated driven
}
} 13. The phone book is:
} a) Fun reading
} b) In some weird order I that can't figure out
}
} 14. I am:
} a) Human
} b) Alien
}
} 15. If I could build a better mouse trap, I would:
} a) Make a killing
} b) Be able to eat a whole lot more mouse--cool!
}
} 16. I am a:
} a) Cat person
} b) Dog person
}
} 17. The glass is:
} a) Half empty
} b) Half full
}
} Scoring: for questions 1-10, score 1 point for each question you
} answered (a), 2 for each (b), 3 for each (c), 4 for each (d), 5 for
} each (e), and 6 for each (f).  For questions 11-15, score 1 point for
} each (a) and 2 points for each (b). Ignore questions 16 and 17
} entirely.
}
} If you scored...  You are...
} 0-14 pts          A consummate cheater
} 15 pts            Waiting for death
} 16-20 pts         A depressed pessimist
} 21-30 pts         BORING
} 31-41 pts         Dull, socially responsible
} 42 pts            Mostly harmless
} 43-50 pts         Friendly
} 51-60 pts         A definite extrovert
} 61-67 pts         The life of most parties
} 68-69 pts         Wanton, reckless, irresponsible
} 70 pts            A wild and crazy alien who would eat mice
} 71+ pts           A consummate cheater
}
} What are you doing here? Well, I think by now that that should be
} pretty obvious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of rose-colored glasses.


610-09    (hoc60 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
> I think you're really special oracle, and I just wanted to tell you
> that. Also I particularly like your use of the past perfect tense.
>
> Is there anything finer than to be in Carolina in the morning? I'm a
> Florida girl and so I wouldn't know!
>
> Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as a matter of fact there is: you can be in Carolina 'bout a
} quarter to four, supper in the diner then you're in Baltimore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a partridge in a pear tree.


610-10    (5egf9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Dear Mighty Oracle, who doesn't need to be Faster Than a Speeding
> Bullet because he's smart enough to be on the other side of the gun --
>
>    Please explain this slang to me: people waffle on issues, get
> toasted by the boss, earn bread, and bring home the dough.  Isn't this
> backwards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, you think they should take the dough to work, pay out all their
} bread, butter up the boss, and cook the books on the issues?  Be
} serious!


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