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Internet Oracularities #611

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611, 611-01, 611-02, 611-03, 611-04, 611-05, 611-06, 611-07, 611-08, 611-09, 611-10


Usenet Oracularities #611    (59 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1993 12:04:13 -0500

@@@ The Usenet Oracle in the press (yet again)
@@@ === ====== ====== == === ===== ==== ======
@@@ The latest issue of the ultra hip _Wired_ magazine (2.01, Jan 94)
@@@ includes a blurb about the Usenet Oracle in its "netsurf" section
@@@ on page 138.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   611
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

611   59 votes anf74 7jgd4 7dpd1 5hl97 45hmb lb9b7 6cdgc 1lw50 37gje gih53
611   2.9 mean  2.5   2.8   2.8   2.9   3.5   2.5   3.3   2.7   3.6   2.3


611-01    (anf74 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle looks, and what might thy see
> With vision so cleer, that takes in a scene
> Of pitiful supplicants, begging to ask
> For a second of Oraclur time for a task
> That has no meaning, to such a great being
> But for us poor supplicants, pathetically bleating
> Like ignorant sheep, when we ask a question
> Like the next one, I'm going to menition
> Our lives can be changed, by an Oraclur word
> The most magnificent wisdom, that we've ever heard.
>
> Oracle, what's the best use for far too many chocolate cupcakes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have decided to Destroy the World with a Plague of Organic Food!
} It shall be Crunchy for fourty hours and fourty minutes!
} But Thou I shall save!
} Go thou and collect ten thousand thousand chocolate cupcakes!
} Build thou an Arch of cupcakes, gluing them together with Spam!
} Go thou to and for in the world, and up and down in it,
} And collect two of each kind of candy!
} Sample-size and king-size shalt thou collect them!
} Under the arch shalt thou stash them!


611-02    (7jgd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                                  Buckingham Palace
>                                                  London
>                                                  England
> Dear Mr Oracle,
>
> As it has been some time since we last met, we would be most grateful
> if you would accept our invitation to a Gala Ball which we are planning
> as part of our Christmas celebrations, on December 23 at 8pm for
> 8.30pm.
>
> It will be an informal evening, just ourselves and the family and a few
> hundred highly regarded and important guests.
>
> Everyone, including ourselves, will be coming in fancy dress.
>
> We do hope that you will be able to attend.
>
> Regally yours,
>
> Elizabeth R
>
> PS. We are sure that you will appreciate that, in our position, it
> would not be appropriate for us to grovel to you personally. However,
> we have instructed our personal private secretary to send you a number
> of carefully authored grovels under separate cover. These should be
> with you soon.
>
> We know how important grovels are to you. Since our last request to
> you, (if you recall, we asked whether it would be reasonable for us to
> pay taxes to ourselves) when we omitted to grovel at all, we, and the
> country as a whole, have paid most dearly. You will, no doubt, be
> pleased to learn that the repairs to the damage you inflicted on
> Windsor Castle are proceeding satisfactorily.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Majesty,
}
} It would be a true honor to attend the Gala. However, it is deepest
} regret I must make one stipulation. I seem to recall that last time,
} Your Majesty had also invited the Woodchuck. I apologize for my
} behaviour on that occasion, and hope that the additional damages to
} London from the ensuing explainations are minor. However, I must insist
} that the Woodchuck not attend. I believe that Your Majesty can
} understand my request.
}
} That aside, I would be delighted to attend. My staff has picked out an
} incarnation I believe would be most apropos for the occasion, and will
} be sending Your Majesty's staff a physical description shortly, in
} order to avoid confusion.
}
} Immortally Yours,
} The Usenet Oracle
}
} Postscript: Does this invitation extend also to Lisa?


611-03    (7dpd1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long after extended aerobic exercise should you consume food, and
> what types of foods are recommended?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha! Another question-within-a-question! Now let's see...
}
} If I read you correctly, your real question goes something like this:
}
} > I'm a 25 stone porker. I love food and hate exercise. I would rather
} > eat than run or play exhaustive games or swim or anything tiring like
} > that. I would rather sit and eat than do anything else in fact. I
} > adore chocolate and beer and cream and hamburgers and fries and
} > pancakes and pastries and nuts and M & M's and more chocolate and
} > banana souffles and steaks and more chocolate and cheese and crusty
} > bread and sausages and yet more chocolate and more fries with lots
} > and lots of sauce on and pizza and iced cakes and dark chocolate and
} > lobster tails and.. and.. and.. my girlfriend says she'll leave me if
} > I don't lose a lot of weight real FAST! Is there a compromise?
}
} No.
}
} Damn! Where is that waitress?


611-04    (5hl97 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                                  Buckingham Palace
>                                                  London
>                                                  England
> Dear Mr Oracle,
>
> As it has been some time since we last met, we would be most grateful
> if you would accept our invitation to a Gala Ball which we are planning
> as part of our Christmas celebrations, on December 23 at 8pm for
> 8.30pm.
>
> It will be an informal evening, just ourselves and the family and a few
> hundred highly regarded and important guests.
>
> Everyone, including ourselves, will be coming in fancy dress.
>
> We do hope that you will be able to attend.
>
> Regally yours,
>
> Elizabeth R
>
> PS. We are sure that you will appreciate that, in our position, it
> would not be appropriate for us to grovel to you personally. However,
> we have instructed our personal private secretary to send you a number
> of carefully authored grovels under separate cover. These should be
> with you soon.
>
> We know how important grovels are to you. Since our last request to
> you, (if you recall, we asked whether it would be reasonable for us to
> pay taxes to ourselves) when we omitted to grovel at all, we, and the
> country as a whole, have paid most dearly. You will, no doubt, be
> pleased to learn that the repairs to the damage you inflicted on
> Windsor Castle are proceeding satisfactorily.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                               Bitnerd Hall
}                                               Indiana University
}                                               Bloomington, IN USA
} Her Most Royal Majesty Elizabeth, Regina
} Buckingham Palace
} London, England UK
}
} Your Majesty,
}
} I thank you for the invitation to your ball.  As I realize how
} important this is to you, Lisa and I are glad to accept.  I trust you
} shall find stunning the diamond-studded Christian Dior formal gown
} that I have elected to wear to the occasion.  I must warn you,
} however, that Lisa will not be outshone at an occasion such as
} this--her idea of 'fancy' may be 'actually wearing clothes.'  Might I
} suggest that you alert the palace guards of the possibility of
} rioting?  And might I also suggest that this time you use eunuchs?
}
} Very all-knowingly yours,
}
} Usenet O
}
} PS The grovels were excellently done.  Tell Mr Rushdie that he has
} outdone himself.  In exchange, I give you this: the surveyors
} sometimes use cameras on those tripods.  Don't let them give you any
} lip about "surveying the showers."
}
} UO.


611-05    (45hmb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, dear supplicant, time dilations have nothing to do with this - you
> are merely suffering from a schitzoid delusion. I am in fact you, and
> you are me. Is it clear now? Nice grovel, mind.
>
> You owe the Oracle his identity back.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Majestic Lordly Funky Dude Great Completely Brilliant and Utterly
} Deserving of Every Conceivable Groovy Event Happening To Him Seventy
} Thousand Times Per Second Simultaneously, please answer this rather
} strange question.
}
} Every alternate day when I wake up, instead of being in my gritty bed
} in a one bedroom flat next to the train line with only the rats for
} company, I find myself in a Huge Palace On A Mountain, luxuriating in a
} feather bed. The sheets have this big 'Orrie' stitched into them.  And
} there's this Woman there.......she can do this
} thing....with.....um....*groan*.  There's this big terminal with
} questions rolling by, that I seem compelled to answer all the time.
} What's happening ?  Is this some weird time travel thing with a future
} self of mine ?


611-06    (lb9b7 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
> Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
> Less dear than army ants in apple pies
> Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
> Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
> Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
> They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
> Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
> Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
> And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
> Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
> Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
> Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
> Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's what I get for trying to scam on a Muse.  *sigh*


611-07    (6cdgc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently I've had several entries in the Oracularities.
> I was very disappointed in the ratings I got.
> Then I saw 562-06, which got a 3.9 despite not being funny at all.
> Apparently, there are 28 voters who like Bullmoose or whatever.
>
> F*** the voters!
> My new goal in life is
> to get my contributions chosen by the priests,
> who have a more elevated sense of humor than the voters,
> while at the same time collecting as many low votes as possible from
> the voters.
>
> So far, this question seems like a pretty good start, at least I
> know it won't get very many '5' votes.
>
> Oh, yeah, better ask a question. Um,
> Hey, how about them Bulls?
>
> There, that oughta do it. Be sure not to mention Roger and Bulls**t
> in your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my priests compete among themselves to see who can select the
} "best" Oracularities from the megabytes of chaff.  Ergo, they are
} unlikely to throw themselves behind text that appeals to them, but
} which they know will be panned by the readership.
}
} If you want to boost your ratings with the laity, here are some hints:
}
}   Message from trinity@seventh.heaven.org on console at 16:24 ...
}   MESSAGES FROM DEITIES ARE ALWAYS GOOD.  THE GREAT THING ABOUT THIS
}   TECHNIQUE IS IT SATISFIES THE NEED FOR A GEEK-ESOTERIC ELEMENT IN THE
}   ORACULARITY WITHOUT RUINING THE FLOW OF RESPONSE.  SO EVEN IF YOU SEE
}   NO REASON WHY THE ALMIGHTY SHOULD INTEREST HIMSELF IN THE MATTER AT
}   HAND, GIVE HIM A LINE.
}
}   Message from gaia@biosphere.earth.org on console at 16:25 ...
}   The amazing thing is, nobody even *uses* `write' any more-- many
}   readers have never *seen* a live write message!  Still, "Message from"
}   is an official Oracularity convention.
}
} > use zork
} You use "zork" references in your Oracularity.  The rating is 4.3.
} > quit
} <iuvax> 5643564 ~% unixisms -gratuitous < Answer.draft | \
}                    mail -s "answer #Qa06535" oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
}   Message from kinzler on ttyp4 at 16:28 ...
}   Joke about Kinzler, the Priesthood, and the institution of the Oracle
}   itself, but remember that there are a few "traditional" elements that
}   are now deprecated.  ZOT jokes, grandiose claims of omnipotence,
}   no-grovel flames, and complicated-humiliating-ritual gags are now
}   recognized as cheap ways to cope with writer's block.  The whole
}   net.whatever.god thing has (thankfully) died a natural death, and even
}   Lisa is on the way out.
}
} PICARD : We must insert parodies of classic geek discourse.
} DATA   : What is "classic geek discourse", Captain?
} PICARD : That body of comedy and drama beloved by technoswine.  It
}          is part of what makes us human.
} DATA   : I see.  Such as Monty Python, Jay Ward cartoons, Douglas
}          Hofstadter, MST3K, Ren and Stimpy . . .
} TROI   : Oh, shut up, Data.
}
} See how easy it is?


611-08    (1lw50 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Harbinger of all that is Hip,
> Genie of all that is Groovy,
> Reichfuhrer of all that is Right On...
>
> Why am I seeing people in sandals and bell-bottoms again? (Not just
> burned out hippies either, but fashion supermodels male and female, as
> well as people I used to consider just normal folks!)  Does this mean
> that my silk shirts will soon be (once again) the envy of the C.S. lab?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your insights into the workings of fashion impress the mighty Oracle,
} who has seen sandals pass in and out of favor many thousands of times.
}
} Indeed, there was a period in ancient Greece, much forgotten, when
} foolish Crito introduced buskins to the Athenians, and they were
} all the rage for a decade.  Ah, how foolish men can be.  Of course,
} sandals returned to favor.
}
} But I digress from satiating your desire for knowledge of fashion's
} cycles.
}
} While it is true that everything comes and goes from fashion, you
} should not expect that your C.S. lab be in the correct decade.  In
} fact, when your silk shirts *do* come back into fashion, no one in your
} lab would want anything to do with them.  This Sage Oracle knows in
} fact that Dr. Peters, who sits in the back left corner of your lab, is
} quite envious of your silken garments.
}
} An old episode of Barney Miller (from which the Oracle gains much
} knowledge) told of this situation quite ironically.  One of the more
} fashion-conscious officers made this remark to this effect: "Did you
} see the tie on that turkey?  God, those little narrow ties have been
} out for years.  I wouldn't even wear one of those if narrow LAPELs came
} back in style! Hah!"
}
} And so it goes.  (of course, we can expect police to be 3-5 years
} behind the fashion as well).  Little did he know that his leisure-suit
} lapels and cummerbund-width ties would become the object of mockery for
} decades to follow.  As I peer into the future, I can see it all
} happening again.
}
} Despair not.  Fashion need not be watched closely.  Wear what you feel
} is right.  And don't worry.  In your office, fashion couldn't POSSIBLY
} be important.
}
} For my intellectual and spiritual services I ask two bug-fixes and
} one new version release (of course it can be up to six months late).
}
} -- Your wise and hep Oracle...


611-09    (37gje dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh way cool froopy hoopster Oracle,
> Who actually knows what that means,
> And has a 256-bit data path,
> Grant me, a lowly freshman, an answer to this humble Oracularity:
>
> What can I do about my phone bill?  It's bigger than the US national
> debt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Judging from recent history, you have several options:
}
} 1) (The Fidel Castro)
}    Get a rival telephone country to back your revolution. Nationalize
}    your phone company. Burn the records. Let birds nest in your beard.
}
} 2) (The Ronald Reagan)
}    Open a pension fund off the books, float a gigantic bond issue
}    purchased mostly by the pension fund, and pay the phone bill with
}    the proceeds. Let your kids worry about paying off the bonds.
}
} 3) (The Ollie North)
}    Do your duty as you see it. Shred your phone bill. Hint that you
}    can finger the President. Wear all your medals. Plead the Fifth.
}    Get immunity from prosecution. Claim you're the fall guy. Run for
}    office. Let it get lost in the smoke and mirrors.
}
} 4) (The Robert Maxwell)
}    Call your phone bill an empire. Split it into many interlocking
}    phone bills. Buy the phone company with junk bonds. Die. Let your
}    banks deal with it.
}
} 5) (The Bank of Ukraine)
}    Declare your independence. Invent a currency. Print lots of it.
}    Send it to the phone company. If they don't like it, threaten not
}    to give up your nukes. Let your economy go belly up.
}
} 6) (The Christine Todd Whitman)
}    Phone bill? What phone bill?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new election in New Jersey.


611-10    (gih53 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o oracle, with your nose so bright,
> won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
>
> -santa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AIEEE!!!!!  My *nose*!  It is set aflame!  Aieee!  I must fly 'round
} and 'round the world.


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