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Internet Oracularities #612

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Usenet Oracularities #612    (68 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 15 Dec 1993 08:49:44 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   612
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

612   68 votes 3hsh3 6gqg4 bmp64 34atm 8mme2 bfpc5 35arn 4hlh9 5iod8 5mnd5
612   3.1 mean  3.0   2.9   2.6   3.9   2.7   2.8   3.9   3.1   3.0   2.9


612-01    (3hsh3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, all wise Oracle, whose knowledge overflows unto the floor and
> maketh a shiny puddle, please tell your humble supplicant, what is
> the best restaurant for a romantic but inexpensive date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   There, there, oh thou destitute one. The Oracle is sympathetic to
}   your plight. The fact is, you don't need some pizza-faced,
}   bleary-eyed high-schooler throwing deep fried food on a plastic tray
}   to make your night complete! Why, just look around your own small
}   apartment, and you'll notice what I (being omnipotent and all)
}   already know; the elements of a romantic dinner are right under your
}   nose.
}
}   And I don't mean all those books on programming in C. Get them out of
}   the way first. But leave that old edition of Tannenbaum's Operating
}   Systems book out, she might like those cute dinosaurs on the cover.
}
}   Look through your cupboards, man! Just think! Any of the following
}   enticing and mysterious entrees are within reach:
}
}   Chinese Fiesta: Top Ramen + Cheez Whiz + soy sauce +
}                   properly fermented picante sauce (for the bold)
}                   (eat with chopsticks)
}
}   Spam & Potato Suprise: (I'm not telling! Mysterious!)
}
}   Toast: Simple, elegant
}
}   Just remember, presentation is everything. Sweep out the oven. Dump
}   the dead insects out of the light fixtues. Clean the pubic hairs off
}   of the toilet seat. I wish you luck.
}
}   You owe the Oracle six boxes of Mac & Cheese.


612-02    (6gqg4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty All Wise Oracle, unstoppable source of sagacity...
>
> What are some creative uses for dryer lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) You can spin it into yarn and make a sweater out of it.
}
} 2) You can stuff it into pill bottles to replace the cotton.
}
} 3) A dash of it in your food will greatly increase its fiber content.
}
} 4) While children prefer using cotton for clouds, lint makes a fine
}    smog.
}
} 5) A bit of it at the campsite will help in starting those campfires.
}
} 6) Use it at Holloween as a fake beard or toupee.
}
} 7) Lint makes a fine insulation for the house.
}
} 8) Use it as a pocket-warmer on cold days.
}
} 9) Birds love using it to build nests.
}
} 10) Finally, it can be used to replace the lint in your bellybutton.
}
} You owe the Oracle some fabric softener and that teddy bear in the
} commercials.


612-03    (bmp64 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you are truly a wild and crazy guy....
> there is this girl I really like, the problem is, she thinks that she
> is a tree stump, and I don't want to dress up as a lumberjack because I
> have trouble putting on a bra.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask yourself why you like this girl.
}
} Is it because you can count her rings?
} If so, then you should definitely dress as a jeweler.
}
} Is it because she's an important part of the tanning process?
} If this is the case, then taxidermist is the way to go.
}
} Or, is it that she provides an excellent home for wild creatures?
} For this, I would suggest something along the lines of a groundhog.
}
} Good luck!  You owe the Oracle a picture of you in a beaver [suit.]


612-04    (34atm dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who cares when no one else does:
>
> Why do birds sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi.  Lisa here.  Orrie doesn't care, but I do.
}
} Well, as you know, God made all the creatures on earth.  To some, God
} gave the ability to eat a cow in four minutes flat.  Others can invent
} computers. And some just look cool.  (The lemur, for example.)
}
} One day, the animals were sitting around bragging about the gifts God
} had given them.
}
} "I've got a really long neck," said the giraffe.  "Longer than any of
}  you. I can reach the top of a tree."
}
} All of the animals grumbled jealously.  Then the bird piped up and
} said: "Aw, no, that's no big deal.  I can fly to the top of a tree and
} even higher. You're gonna have to do better than that."
}
} The cheetah spoke up.  "Well, I bet you can't outrun me, on land or
} air. I'm the fastest runner God made, and I dare you to prove
} otherwise."
}
} Said the bird, "Okay.  I'll race you to the bottom of the cliff."
}
} Now, the cheetah was a proud cat, and not the brightest creature made,
} so he agreed to the race.  They started at the top of a cliff, one
} kilometre from the edge, and the cheetah called out, "On your mark, get
} set, go!". Now, the cheetah was in the lead, and jumped off the edge of
} the cliff when he got there.  Broke his neck, too.  The bird came by
} later, huffing and puffing, and admitted defeat.
}
} "You sure were the fastest, friend cheetah, but I can pull up at the
} end of a nose-dive, and you can't."
}
} So the bird had proven his superiority again.
}
} Now man, the smartest creature, praised the bird, saying, "You really
} are a smart one, friend bird.  But I'll bet that I can fit into a
} smaller bag than you can.
}
} "You're a fool, man.  You're much bigger than I am," protested the
} bird.
}
} "Are you going to talk all day, or will you prove you can fit into a
} smaller bag than I can?" said man.
}
} "Okay, okay," said the bird.  "Go right ahead and get into a bag."  And
} man squeezed into a potato sack.  It wasn't confortable, but it was
} about as small a bag as he'd ever fit in.
}
} "You're kidding me," said the bird.  And the bird flew into a sack no
} bigger than a man's head.
}
} No sooner was he in than Man grabbed the sack, tied it in a knot, and
} bashed the bird against a tree.  All the other animals took turns
} jumping on the bag, and the bird cried out, "Lord, save me from these
} evil animals!  They're beating the heck out of me!"
}
} God said, "I heard you bragging as loud as anyone else, and I'm not too
} happy about your trick on the cheetah.  I made that Myself, you know.
} But I won't see you die in that bag."  And God released the bird.
}
} "Thanks, God," it said.
}
} "Don't thank me, loudmouth.  You're not going to brag anymore."  And
} with that, God ZOTted the bird's voice to smithereens.
}
} In a fury, the bird began to curse God, but to no avail.  Only a sweet-
} sounding melody came out.  This made the bird even angrier, but his
} next curse turned into the most heavenly song ever heard.  Such
} goings-on continue to this day, and although birds sound very happy,
} they're trying with all their might to say something evil about your
} mother.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book of animal folklore.


612-05    (8mme2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi! I'm Jojo Swoboda of Totowa Toyota.
>
> We're the biggest car dealer in New Jersey; our customers
> come from miles around, from Hoboken and Hohocus, from
> Weehawken and Secaucus, from Whippany to Parsippany.
>
> We have an idea for a new advertising campaign, starring
> *You*! The gist of it is that the great and wise Oracle
> knows everything, so of course You know where to get the
> best deal on a new car -- makes sense, right?
>
> We'd love to have you drop by, do a personal appearance
> thing, and shoot a few commercials. What we have in mind is
> You sitting on a big golden throne in a white robe, with a
> little boy on your lap, Santa-style, and he asks you a
> couple of questions, like what's the gazillionth digit of
> Pi, and what father/son/grandson combos did Nolan Ryan
> strike out, and of course You know the answers, and then
> he asks You where to get the best deal on a new car,
> and of course you answer "Totowa Toyota"!
>
> So, how about it?
>
>  --
>  jojo
>
>  P.S., If You can't make it, we'll have Vinnie dress up as
>  You. Okay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <pause>
}
} <longer pause>
}
} <Bill Cosby voice>  "Riiighht."
} "How long can you tread water?"
}
} Sorry, bub, but the Oracle doesn't do commercials, and he especially
} doesn't do impersonations of fat guys with white beards.  The Oracle
} dresses much sharper than that; where'd you get the idea that the
} Oracle dresses like ancient Greeks?  My fashion is ten days in the
} future; GQ is old and blase compared to me.
}
} Oh, and tell Vinnie that he can't dress up like me until he
} stops dressing up like Vanna White.
}
} You owe the Oracle the entire Bill Cosby comedy collection on CD and
} Laser Disc.


612-06    (bfpc5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who cares when no one else does:
>
> Why do birds sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Singing in birds, long thought to be a voluntary action is now known to
} be a vital survival mechanism. Birds need to sing or else they will
} float off into space. It's like this.
} In order to make a bird's body lighter than air and , therefore able to
} fly. The bird's body consitently produces hydrogen gas from the seeds
} and berries it has digested. This is a constant process that produces
} large amounts of gas, if the bird were to keep this gas inside, it
} would surely float away in a matter of minutes, so birds evolved
} singing as a way of releasing the gas and warning other creatures not
} to use open flames or cigarettes nearby in case of igniting the gas.
} Many cases of so-called spontaneous combustion reported by such media
} heavyweights as the National Enquirer, are actually ignitions of bird
} gas. You'll also notice that you never see a bird sing while flying,
} this is because they need to conserve their gas while flying or they
} will begin to plummet which is far less graceful and bird-like.
}
} As Payment, the Oracle demands 50 lbs of birdseed for Lisa's faltulent
} parakeet


612-07    (35arn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a introduction in fuzzy and/or classic logic in
> English or German for free ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try this, humble servant. Post the following message to USENET
} comp.theory:
}
} "Hello everyone. Please excuse me my English is developing
} extraordinarily. My name is Katrinka and I'm a 19 year old Swedish
} female student here at State University of Stockholm. I am so happy to
} discover this USENET, it is an answer to my most constipated dreams!
} You see here in the tundra, we are very lonely, sometimes I am
} spending many nights alone without comforting from other men, how
} debilitating! To allow be to describe myself, I am 5'9", 105 lbs. I am
} measuring 36C-24-35. I have decided to relax my modelling career, too
} much stresses you know, and to study computer science. I am hoping to
} speak to so many of you on a constant theme, perhaps one day we can
} meet and share experiences when I am travelling the world looking for
} new adventures! I am a little bit of a wild virgin you know. It is my
} dream to talk to many men about my studies and someday have chances to
} meet them all.
} Well it is getting colder here tonight, and I am only in my thong
} panties, no top in this cold weather typing at the keyboard is causing
} me goosebumps, my long straight blonde hair only keeps by back warm.
} Your answer to my question will make me so happy and fill me with
} passions, I sometimes loose control."
}
} <Insert your question here>
}
} Love and longing,
} Katrinka DeLoon
}
} I think you get the point. You've got to use this pretty much without
} modification, it's good for anywhere from 12-300 responses within a 48
} hour period. It has been know to lead to the completion of 9 masters
} degree and 4 doctoral theses via email, and at least 23 embarrassing
} flights to Stockholm for some horny American grad students.
}
} You owe the oracle one of those goofy Viking helmets, or was that
} Norway?


612-08    (4hlh9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me:
>
>               Why is it that in this country the criminals are treated
>       better than college students?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think of it this way: Suppose you were in a room with two people, one
} of whom was a psychotic axe murderer overflowing with hatred for
} society and well versed in brutal methods of inflicting pain, and the
} other of whom was a misty-minded English major overflowing with
} hormones and highly trained in literary deconstructionism; which one
} would YOU want to placate?
}
} You owe the Oracle a better alternative appropriate to a civilized
} nation.


612-09    (5iod8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who cares when no one else does:
>
> Why do birds sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds didn't always sing.  You see, a long time ago there were only
} birds who talked really loudly all day about nothing.  A man named Fred
} decided he had had enough.  So he got a shotgun and told allthe birds
} to dance for him instead of yammering on so loudly.  Well, the birds
} couldn't dance, so he shot them all.  Well God got mad, and he killed
} Fred and created birds who didn't talk, but did take memos.  Everyone
} got asked if they needed a memo taken, and if they didn't they got
} their eyes pecked out.  This got tiresome and so a man named Larry got
} a slingshot, and again killed all the birds. God got mad, killed Larry,
} made birds that tap-danced.  This amused Fred's grandchildren, but the
} rest of the world hated it.  Leroy, bow-and-arrow, God, birds that made
} popcorn, George, sword, God, birds that sold insurance, etc.  Then God
} made birds that sing, and everybody liked it except for this one guy
} named H. Ross Perot (no relation at all to the billionaire).  He tried
} to kill all the birds with a plastic spoon, but eventually the doctors
} from his asylum got him, and birds have been singing ever since.
}
} You owe the oracle a pair of binoculars and an apartment across from
} the New York modeling school.


612-10    (5mnd5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> Is there any truth in the rumour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well the truth of the matter is that there is always some truth to the
} rumour.
}
} For example:
} Person #1:  I heard that uncle Bob was having an affair.
} Person #2:  I heard that uncle Bob was having an affair, he seems to be
}             keeping it secret.
} Person #3:  Ya know, uncle Bob is having an affair..he's trying to keep
}             it a secret...he always was a little strange...
} Person #4:  I heard uncle Bob was having a homosexual affair, he's
}             trying to keep it quiet
} Person #5:  Uncle Bob is having a homosexual affair and keeps getting
}             in trouble with the neighbors for the loud sex!
} Person #6:  Uncle Bob's neighbor says that he saw a very odd looking
}             man entering and leaving Bob's house and heard wierd noises.
} Person #7:  Uncle Bob is clandestinely cavorting with ALIENS!!!
} Person #8:  Uncle Bob IS an ALIEN!!!
}
} So you see the truth is where you manage to hear the rumour from,....
}
} You owe the oracle one Aunt Flossie to go


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