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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose logic is faultless and whose thinking is ever > clear, > > can you be surreal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Mabel, can you bring me another beer?" cried he, but Mabel did not } hear, for she had long ago left with a wandering tribe of gypsy } jugglers.  The dog mentioned that juggling gypsies is hard work, but } he could not hear well through the Godzilla masks he wore upon his } feet.  So he placed the cat on the trivet and went forth to make his } way to what it was he'd heard. } } It was only after the bus sparked the aerial that he turned on the } burner and let the rabbit die.  His coat sparkled black as he entered } Macy's.  He doffed his costume and stepped forth. } } "HO HO HO.  Merry Christmas.   Sit on my lap and tell me what the } hell you want for Christmas, you bunch of snivelling apes." } } The first child up dripped green upon the floor and cried out just } before his mother exploded into yeast. } } You owe the Orakcsl fert gribnok snarkle spum torgu.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the health scoop on coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} coffee is considered bad for one's health -- unless one resides in } Columbia, that is...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever achieve true happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On November 2, 1996, you will awaken in your bed, noticing how dark it } is. You will glance at your clock-radio, and it will say "3:53". } Realizing that you have two more hours available to sleep, you go to } sleep once again in pure bliss. } } On the way to work that morning, you will catch all the green lights. } } During your lunch hour, you will pull into the Rally's drive-thru, and } ye shall verily be blessed, for you will be the only one in line.  The } voice on the speaker will be clear and understandable.  You will order } the normal Rallyburger combo for $2.19, but the staff will botch your } order, and you will get the jumbo Rallyburger combo, a $2.79, and they } forget to charge you for the drink. } } President Clinton's polls will drop drastically. } } While driving home, you run over a woodchuck's tail.  He dies a slow, } painful death, and you pull over to watch. } } That night, the Playboy channel will accidentally be left unscrambled. } } You will finally find the remote control which you had lost six months } ago. } } You will fall asleep before Conan O'Brien comes on. } } On that day, you will achieve true happiness. } } However, the American government will fall the following day, when } Snoop Doggy Dogg wins the Presidential election from jail.  Your house } will only remain standing for the following two months.  On the lighter } side, though, your hometown is going to be the last place affected by } nuclear detonations set off in their silos by angry mobs. } } You owe the Oracle $2.19... would you like fries with that?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you please oracle, what is a good way to remove sweat stains from > silk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you'd bought trained worms, you wouldn't have this problem.  Oh, } well. } } Place the garment in a jade vase.  Make a triangle from the vase, a cut } diamond, and the severed hand of a young woman.  Stand in the center of } the triangle, facing Northeast, after making several marks on your face } and limbs.  (See enclosed diagrams.)  Remain there, keeping yourself } fully concentrated on the vase, for twelve hours.  Then remove the } garment, wash it with Woollite, and carefully air-dry. } } You owe the Oracle a new cookbook.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get a girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish child, you impregnate a female with sperm which carries a } chromosome labeled X. } } You need a biology lesson, and you owe the Oracle your first female } child.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Burp! } } What was the question again?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   The Usenet Oracle Company, Inc. > From: Det norske Veritas (DnV) > Date: 15 December 1993 > Re:   Results of your ISO 9000 certification audit > > We regret to inform you that your company did not pass our recent > audit, and will not be certified as compliant with the quality > processes outlined by the ISO 9001 standard.  Your company's score on > the audit was among the lowest in recent memory. > > Our auditors found little evidence that your processes to ensure > quality merchandise and customer service *exist*, much less that they > are being followed by members of your staff.  To be specific, we found > problems in each of the following areas: > >   *  PERSONNEL.  None of the priests that we interviewed appeared to >      have a fixed process for selecting Oracularities, nor could they >      identify a process for timely resolution of customer complaints. >      In fact, all of the priests we observed during our site visit >      appeared to be either sleeping in front of their terminals or >      making paper airplanes (with the single exception of David Sewell, >      who was composing poetry about a woman named Lisa).  When asked to >      fill out a questionnaire pertaining to their job functions, three >      priests appeared unable to comprehend the request, five made >      paper airplanes, and the remainder approved the questionnaire >      for inclusion in the next Digest. > >   *  INVENTORY CONTROL.  In spite of the enormous size of the warehouse >      containing goods and services collected from customers, there is >      no standardized process for inventory control.  Apparently only >      the Oracle Himself, being omniscient, can locate goods in the >      warehouse with any degree of success.  Further, some areas of the >      warehouse, particularly the animal storage pens, represent an >      active hazard to life and limb:  One of our auditors was attacked >      and eaten by a "velociraptor", which caused a three-week delay in >      the completion of the audit and a severe case of indigestion for >      the animal. > >   *  QUALITY CONTROL.  The consistency of answers provided by the >      Oracle during our on-site inspection showed a startling lack of >      quality control processes -- answers were often incomplete, poorly >      phrased, abrasive, abusive, lacking proper grammar, denigrating to >      minorities or ethnic groups (particularly New Zealanders) and in >      some cases could prove fatal if actually carried out by the >      supplicant.  No person or employee was willing to take >      responsiblity for the overall quality of the answers provided; an >      elderly janitor named Kinzler took ownership of the distribution >      process, but could not show any quality records or documentation >      to verify this claim. > >   *  CUSTOMER SERVICE.  In no area was the lack of process more evident >      than in the field of customer satisfaction, a concept which >      appears to be entirely foreign to The Usenet Oracle Company. >      Several patrons reported that they had received one or more >      painful electric shocks in response to complaints about the >      quality of Oracular services, and there were also many reports of >      customers being "roughed up" by agents of the Oracle's payment >      collection offices. > > In conclusion, we wish to emphasize that your quality control processes > are among the worst any of us can ever remember thinking about.  We > hope that the findings in this report result in the improvement (or > creation, as the case may be) of processes to ensure customer > satisfaction and to provide a consistent level of quality in your > products and services. > > Magnus Afidjnkassen > Lead Auditor, Det norske Veritas

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:   Det notske Veritas (DnV) } From: The Usenet Oracle Company, Inc. } Date: 17 December 1993 } Re:   ISO 9000 certification audit } }       With regards to your recent audit, I would like to respond to } some of the problems you encountered. To wit: } }       The priesthood should have forwarded your questionnaire to me for } answering before including it in the next digest, or making it into a } paper airplane (paper airplane sending and recieving being another, } little known way that I answer questions). I appologize, and they have } been instructed not to include questions without responses in the } future. }       Had the inventory auditor followed the map he was given, he would } not have been eaten by the velociprator and caused that animal's } indigestion. If he had taken the 19674-th left turn instead of the } 19675-th left turn, as he had been told to, he would have been eaten by } a Tyrannosaur instead, which would have had no problems. }       Whereas I am a being of infinite inteligence, of course there can } be no consistency in the answers, as infinite inteligence results in an } infinite number of personalities. As for Mr. Kinzler's distribution } system, it falls into two categories: internet and paper airplane. As } of present date, no govenrment agency in charge of air traffic } regulation requires flight plans for birds, bees, or paper airplanes, } and thus we need not keep logs. The internet being a mass halucination, } it does not really exist, and again we need not keep logs. }       As for the electric shock complaints, this was a temporary } problem from a set of downed generators. Full power has been restored, } and we do not expect to be hearing any more complaints about these } electric shocks. } }       You owe the Usenet Oracle another auditor for the Tyrannosaur.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dave Rhodes is a freak.  Request permission to execute his sorry hide.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I just had lunch with Dave at his ski retreat in Lausanne. The winter } there is absolutely breathtaking, the combination of bright blue sky } and pure white powder snow is to die for. Oh, that's in Switzerland by } the way. I guess I shouldn't assume you are versed in geography. Dave } and I were going over some investment opportunities in Russia, Dave is } considering liquidating some of his shares in the steel market to } leverage in a small technology company outside of Minsk. They recycle } fish skin and process it into laminated insulation material. Very } promising. } I resent your implication that Dave is anything but an upstanding } entrepeneur. As we all know, Dave worked extremely hard to come by his } money. True, airplane games, or pyramid schemes where illegal when he } started, but wasn't it Dave who hired a team of attorneys to reverse } those laws. Wasn't it Dave who donated over 5 billion dollars to the } FBI retirement fund. Come on it was people like *you* who made him } what he is today. Dave was explaining that it took small donations } from almost 45% of the world's population to make him his first } trillion. That's impressive by any "freak" standards. I'd just say } you're a sore looser and next time I see Dave I'll just tell him to } send you your 5 bucks back. } } You owe the Oracle a share in a condo in Florida on the swamps.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, oh great anonymity, tell me a reliable recipe to help cure a > hangover!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows all and sees all, and will take time out of its } precious schedule to answer your petty question. } } FIrst you need a pair of good nail clippers, and an emory board... } ...no, wait, that's a hang-nail.. } } OK, you double-stitch a patch on any torn portions, and test it in } flight... } ...no, that's a hang-glider... } } OK, now then, you untie the rope, and start by twisting it several } times around itself... } ...nope, that's a hangman's noose... } } What was the question?  The Oracle has a really big headache right now. } Don't talk so loud.  Hand me the asperin. } } First you take the hair of the dog -- any dog.  Well, except for } one of those ugly little mexican things that look like a rat -- they } don't have much hair anyway.  And pit-bulls are definitely out. } } Then take several raw eggs.  Make sure they have the salmonella virus. } } You will need a sheet of paper rolled up like a cone. } } A pound of flour. } } A few tablespoons of corn starch. } } Brewer's yeast. } } Several handfulls of common lawn grass. } } Salmon roe. (fish eggs) } } Tobasco sauce } } And a feather from a Hummingbird. } } Mix everything but the paper in with enough water to make a dough. } Spread the dough over the outside of the paper to form a hollow cone. } Bake at 375 Fahrenheit until crisp.  Allow to cool.  Carfully remove } the paper from the inside of the cone.  Now throw it all in the trash. } } If you took the time to find all the ingredients, and to do all of the } steps, by now you've had enough time for the hangover to go away on its } own.  So it worked.  Enjoy. } } For this most knowledgable advice, the Oracle requires in payment: }                        A good stiff drink.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who causes the wind to blow and the rivers to flow, please tell > me: > > Just because I think everyone is secretly plotting against me, that > doesn't mean I'm paranoid right? > > Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Completely correct, Gloria.  On the other hand, if you *knew* rather } just *thought* everyone was out to get you, *then* you'd be paranoid. } } (wispering voices ... "now tell her that it's okay to go home, she has }   nothing to fear") } } It's okay for you to go home now, Gloria, you have nothing to fear.