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Internet Oracularities #613

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613, 613-01, 613-02, 613-03, 613-04, 613-05, 613-06, 613-07, 613-08, 613-09, 613-10


Usenet Oracularities #613    (50 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1993 13:10:50 -0500

@@@ Publication of the Usenet Oracularities will be on hiatus for the
@@@ next two weeks while I'm away for the holidays.  Keep writing those
@@@ Oracularities, though.  We'll keep picking the best straight through
@@@ and catch up on their publication next month.
@@@
@@@ Happy Holidays!                                 Steve Kinzler

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   613
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

613   50 votes 6kg62 eic51 48nb4 3gka1 0hfb7 6aadb 288ie 6jj51 3eka3 3blc3
613   2.9 mean  2.6   2.2   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.3   3.7   2.5   2.9   3.0


613-01    (6kg62 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose logic is faultless and whose thinking is ever
> clear,
>
> can you be surreal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Mabel, can you bring me another beer?" cried he, but Mabel did not
} hear, for she had long ago left with a wandering tribe of gypsy
} jugglers.  The dog mentioned that juggling gypsies is hard work, but
} he could not hear well through the Godzilla masks he wore upon his
} feet.  So he placed the cat on the trivet and went forth to make his
} way to what it was he'd heard.
}
} It was only after the bus sparked the aerial that he turned on the
} burner and let the rabbit die.  His coat sparkled black as he entered
} Macy's.  He doffed his costume and stepped forth.
}
} "HO HO HO.  Merry Christmas.   Sit on my lap and tell me what the
} hell you want for Christmas, you bunch of snivelling apes."
}
} The first child up dripped green upon the floor and cried out just
} before his mother exploded into yeast.
}
} You owe the Orakcsl fert gribnok snarkle spum torgu.


613-02    (eic51 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the health scoop on coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} coffee is considered bad for one's health -- unless one resides in
} Columbia, that is...


613-03    (48nb4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever achieve true happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On November 2, 1996, you will awaken in your bed, noticing how dark it
} is. You will glance at your clock-radio, and it will say "3:53".
} Realizing that you have two more hours available to sleep, you go to
} sleep once again in pure bliss.
}
} On the way to work that morning, you will catch all the green lights.
}
} During your lunch hour, you will pull into the Rally's drive-thru, and
} ye shall verily be blessed, for you will be the only one in line.  The
} voice on the speaker will be clear and understandable.  You will order
} the normal Rallyburger combo for $2.19, but the staff will botch your
} order, and you will get the jumbo Rallyburger combo, a $2.79, and they
} forget to charge you for the drink.
}
} President Clinton's polls will drop drastically.
}
} While driving home, you run over a woodchuck's tail.  He dies a slow,
} painful death, and you pull over to watch.
}
} That night, the Playboy channel will accidentally be left unscrambled.
}
} You will finally find the remote control which you had lost six months
} ago.
}
} You will fall asleep before Conan O'Brien comes on.
}
} On that day, you will achieve true happiness.
}
} However, the American government will fall the following day, when
} Snoop Doggy Dogg wins the Presidential election from jail.  Your house
} will only remain standing for the following two months.  On the lighter
} side, though, your hometown is going to be the last place affected by
} nuclear detonations set off in their silos by angry mobs.
}
} You owe the Oracle $2.19... would you like fries with that?


613-04    (3gka1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you please oracle, what is a good way to remove sweat stains from
> silk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you'd bought trained worms, you wouldn't have this problem.  Oh,
} well.
}
} Place the garment in a jade vase.  Make a triangle from the vase, a cut
} diamond, and the severed hand of a young woman.  Stand in the center of
} the triangle, facing Northeast, after making several marks on your face
} and limbs.  (See enclosed diagrams.)  Remain there, keeping yourself
} fully concentrated on the vase, for twelve hours.  Then remove the
} garment, wash it with Woollite, and carefully air-dry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new cookbook.


613-05    (0hfb7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get a girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish child, you impregnate a female with sperm which carries a
} chromosome labeled X.
}
} You need a biology lesson, and you owe the Oracle your first female
} child.


613-06    (6aadb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Burp!
}
} What was the question again?


613-07    (288ie dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   The Usenet Oracle Company, Inc.
> From: Det norske Veritas (DnV)
> Date: 15 December 1993
> Re:   Results of your ISO 9000 certification audit
>
> We regret to inform you that your company did not pass our recent
> audit, and will not be certified as compliant with the quality
> processes outlined by the ISO 9001 standard.  Your company's score on
> the audit was among the lowest in recent memory.
>
> Our auditors found little evidence that your processes to ensure
> quality merchandise and customer service *exist*, much less that they
> are being followed by members of your staff.  To be specific, we found
> problems in each of the following areas:
>
>   *  PERSONNEL.  None of the priests that we interviewed appeared to
>      have a fixed process for selecting Oracularities, nor could they
>      identify a process for timely resolution of customer complaints.
>      In fact, all of the priests we observed during our site visit
>      appeared to be either sleeping in front of their terminals or
>      making paper airplanes (with the single exception of David Sewell,
>      who was composing poetry about a woman named Lisa).  When asked to
>      fill out a questionnaire pertaining to their job functions, three
>      priests appeared unable to comprehend the request, five made
>      paper airplanes, and the remainder approved the questionnaire
>      for inclusion in the next Digest.
>
>   *  INVENTORY CONTROL.  In spite of the enormous size of the warehouse
>      containing goods and services collected from customers, there is
>      no standardized process for inventory control.  Apparently only
>      the Oracle Himself, being omniscient, can locate goods in the
>      warehouse with any degree of success.  Further, some areas of the
>      warehouse, particularly the animal storage pens, represent an
>      active hazard to life and limb:  One of our auditors was attacked
>      and eaten by a "velociraptor", which caused a three-week delay in
>      the completion of the audit and a severe case of indigestion for
>      the animal.
>
>   *  QUALITY CONTROL.  The consistency of answers provided by the
>      Oracle during our on-site inspection showed a startling lack of
>      quality control processes -- answers were often incomplete, poorly
>      phrased, abrasive, abusive, lacking proper grammar, denigrating to
>      minorities or ethnic groups (particularly New Zealanders) and in
>      some cases could prove fatal if actually carried out by the
>      supplicant.  No person or employee was willing to take
>      responsiblity for the overall quality of the answers provided; an
>      elderly janitor named Kinzler took ownership of the distribution
>      process, but could not show any quality records or documentation
>      to verify this claim.
>
>   *  CUSTOMER SERVICE.  In no area was the lack of process more evident
>      than in the field of customer satisfaction, a concept which
>      appears to be entirely foreign to The Usenet Oracle Company.
>      Several patrons reported that they had received one or more
>      painful electric shocks in response to complaints about the
>      quality of Oracular services, and there were also many reports of
>      customers being "roughed up" by agents of the Oracle's payment
>      collection offices.
>
> In conclusion, we wish to emphasize that your quality control processes
> are among the worst any of us can ever remember thinking about.  We
> hope that the findings in this report result in the improvement (or
> creation, as the case may be) of processes to ensure customer
> satisfaction and to provide a consistent level of quality in your
> products and services.
>
> Magnus Afidjnkassen
> Lead Auditor, Det norske Veritas

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:   Det notske Veritas (DnV)
} From: The Usenet Oracle Company, Inc.
} Date: 17 December 1993
} Re:   ISO 9000 certification audit
}
}       With regards to your recent audit, I would like to respond to
} some of the problems you encountered. To wit:
}
}       The priesthood should have forwarded your questionnaire to me for
} answering before including it in the next digest, or making it into a
} paper airplane (paper airplane sending and recieving being another,
} little known way that I answer questions). I appologize, and they have
} been instructed not to include questions without responses in the
} future.
}       Had the inventory auditor followed the map he was given, he would
} not have been eaten by the velociprator and caused that animal's
} indigestion. If he had taken the 19674-th left turn instead of the
} 19675-th left turn, as he had been told to, he would have been eaten by
} a Tyrannosaur instead, which would have had no problems.
}       Whereas I am a being of infinite inteligence, of course there can
} be no consistency in the answers, as infinite inteligence results in an
} infinite number of personalities. As for Mr. Kinzler's distribution
} system, it falls into two categories: internet and paper airplane. As
} of present date, no govenrment agency in charge of air traffic
} regulation requires flight plans for birds, bees, or paper airplanes,
} and thus we need not keep logs. The internet being a mass halucination,
} it does not really exist, and again we need not keep logs.
}       As for the electric shock complaints, this was a temporary
} problem from a set of downed generators. Full power has been restored,
} and we do not expect to be hearing any more complaints about these
} electric shocks.
}
}       You owe the Usenet Oracle another auditor for the Tyrannosaur.


613-08    (6jj51 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dave Rhodes is a freak.  Request permission to execute his sorry hide.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I just had lunch with Dave at his ski retreat in Lausanne. The winter
} there is absolutely breathtaking, the combination of bright blue sky
} and pure white powder snow is to die for. Oh, that's in Switzerland by
} the way. I guess I shouldn't assume you are versed in geography. Dave
} and I were going over some investment opportunities in Russia, Dave is
} considering liquidating some of his shares in the steel market to
} leverage in a small technology company outside of Minsk. They recycle
} fish skin and process it into laminated insulation material. Very
} promising.
} I resent your implication that Dave is anything but an upstanding
} entrepeneur. As we all know, Dave worked extremely hard to come by his
} money. True, airplane games, or pyramid schemes where illegal when he
} started, but wasn't it Dave who hired a team of attorneys to reverse
} those laws. Wasn't it Dave who donated over 5 billion dollars to the
} FBI retirement fund. Come on it was people like *you* who made him
} what he is today. Dave was explaining that it took small donations
} from almost 45% of the world's population to make him his first
} trillion. That's impressive by any "freak" standards. I'd just say
} you're a sore looser and next time I see Dave I'll just tell him to
} send you your 5 bucks back.
}
} You owe the Oracle a share in a condo in Florida on the swamps.


613-09    (3eka3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, oh great anonymity, tell me a reliable recipe to help cure a
> hangover!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows all and sees all, and will take time out of its
} precious schedule to answer your petty question.
}
} FIrst you need a pair of good nail clippers, and an emory board...
} ...no, wait, that's a hang-nail..
}
} OK, you double-stitch a patch on any torn portions, and test it in
} flight...
} ...no, that's a hang-glider...
}
} OK, now then, you untie the rope, and start by twisting it several
} times around itself...
} ...nope, that's a hangman's noose...
}
} What was the question?  The Oracle has a really big headache right now.
} Don't talk so loud.  Hand me the asperin.
}
} First you take the hair of the dog -- any dog.  Well, except for
} one of those ugly little mexican things that look like a rat -- they
} don't have much hair anyway.  And pit-bulls are definitely out.
}
} Then take several raw eggs.  Make sure they have the salmonella virus.
}
} You will need a sheet of paper rolled up like a cone.
}
} A pound of flour.
}
} A few tablespoons of corn starch.
}
} Brewer's yeast.
}
} Several handfulls of common lawn grass.
}
} Salmon roe. (fish eggs)
}
} Tobasco sauce
}
} And a feather from a Hummingbird.
}
} Mix everything but the paper in with enough water to make a dough.
} Spread the dough over the outside of the paper to form a hollow cone.
} Bake at 375 Fahrenheit until crisp.  Allow to cool.  Carfully remove
} the paper from the inside of the cone.  Now throw it all in the trash.
}
} If you took the time to find all the ingredients, and to do all of the
} steps, by now you've had enough time for the hangover to go away on its
} own.  So it worked.  Enjoy.
}
} For this most knowledgable advice, the Oracle requires in payment:
}                        A good stiff drink.


613-10    (3blc3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who causes the wind to blow and the rivers to flow, please tell
> me:
>
> Just because I think everyone is secretly plotting against me, that
> doesn't mean I'm paranoid right?
>
> Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Completely correct, Gloria.  On the other hand, if you *knew* rather
} just *thought* everyone was out to get you, *then* you'd be paranoid.
}
} (wispering voices ... "now tell her that it's okay to go home, she has
}   nothing to fear")
}
} It's okay for you to go home now, Gloria, you have nothing to fear.


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