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Internet Oracularities #614

Goto:
614, 614-01, 614-02, 614-03, 614-04, 614-05, 614-06, 614-07, 614-08, 614-09, 614-10


Usenet Oracularities #614    (51 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1993 09:35:26 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   614
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

614   51 votes 5fja2 8kbc0 7gi73 27bgf 5dka3 2akc7 14bhi 7gcb5 36bjc 3adaf
614   3.2 mean  2.8   2.5   2.7   3.7   2.9   3.2   3.9   2.8   3.6   3.5


614-01    (5fja2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I mail this to the Oracle ten times, how many times will it
> get into the Oracular digest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally, I would say not even once, but (as you have no
} doubt noticed) lately strange things have been happening
} with the digest; the same question was in Oracularities 612
} three times with 3 different answers, for example.
}
} Clearly, your *real* question is "what's going on?", and you
} have wisely chosen to ask Me. Rather than bore you with the
} true story (which involves a case split personality
} afflicting Steve Kinzler's evil twin after being assaulted
} by a pack of rabid lemurs), I shall condescend to make up
} one of those fake explanations so dearly beloved by the
} Oracularities voters.
}
} What happened was this: I received a rather heart-wrenching
} letter from a twelve-year-old boy in Scotland, who was
} stricken by a terminal illness, but who wished to appear in
} the Oracularities many times before he died.
}
} Now, you must understand that, although my power is great,
} it is subject to several self-imposed limits. Chief among
} these limits is that when I condescend to answer a question
} personally (as you know, most of the time your questions get
} remailed to other supplicants who have lots of fun
} pretending to be me as they answer them), that answer shall
} not appear in the Oracularities. It wouldn't be fair.
} All *my* answers would get scores of 5.0, which would
} discourage the mortals. (By the way, this is why when you
} get a Really Good Answer, the Priests don't pick it. Now you
} know.)
}
} Therefore, I could not simply compose a question and an
} answer, attribute them to the poor boy, and arrange for them
} to appear in the Digest...
}
} That is why I composed the "why do birds sing" query, and
} modified the Oracle software so that every question sent out
} for the period of 24 hours would be the same question, with
} the doomed boy's return address.
}
} I must say, the Incarnations were rather disappointing in
} their answers, with only three of them getting chosen for
} the Digest; and not one of them thought of the idea that
} different birds sing different songs for different reasons
} (bluebirds sing the blues, cardinals hymns, canaries rat on
} Michael Jackson, ostriches sing arias from famous Australian
} operas, and so forth).
}
} You owe the Oracle three askmes.


614-02    (8kbc0 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, Oracle old chappie,
>
> When one goes flying one is always a little concerned that the old
> aeroplane might just choose to drop out of the sky.
>
> So, is there any way one can get a ticket for the black box flight
> recorder as they always seem to survive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, my insolent young chippie off the old blockie...
}
} There is almost always availability in the black box section of the
} airplane. However, few moral humans have ever found a way to use their
} tickets.  The All-knowing, All-seeing, All-alling Oracle has no
} difficulty getting into the 1/4" x 1/4" inch seat.  Then again, I'm
} never particularly worried about crashing.  I'm just there to <ZOT> any
} foolish and insolent inquisitors. Flying is in fact safer than driving,
} statistically, but if you want to know you can get tickets in the glove
} compartment of a car, too.  Same seating restrictions apply.  Tough.
}
} You owe me five good reasons not to <ZOT> you.  47-53 words each. By
} Wednesday.  Typed.


614-03    (7gi73 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle
> Who knows the number of stars in the sky
> And the number of grains of sand on the beach
> And blesses mere mortals such as myself
> With the shining glory of your wisdom
>
> Tell me oh great one
> Why is it that Santa Claus
> A man associated with goodness and generosity
> Wears red
> A colour associated with stopping and evil and anger and beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there,
}       First Oracular consort here (Orrie just wandered off to the
} little deity's room to catch up on his reading).
}       I'm in a really good mood now, so why don't I let you in on a
} little secret?!  That outfit, with the red crushed velvet coat and the
} puffy ermine trim, the pointy red cap with a cute pompom on the end,
} and the supple black leather riding boots and tight fitting breeches,
} that was, uh, well, sort of my idea.  It was in a catalogue so I
} thought to myself that it would make a terrific gift for a man so, as
} you say, *good*.  And *generous*.  Trust me, I know.
}       Let's just say we keep this between you, me, and Nick, now,
} won't you dear?  I'll see to it you get something nice in your
} stocking this Christmas.
}
} Lisa


614-04    (27bgf dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll answer if you feed me.


614-05    (5dka3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh Oracle, what should I get my Grandmother's boyfriend for
> Christmas?  What do you buy fr

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two questions with but a single grovel. And not much of a grovel at
} that. 'Oracle, oh Oracle'? Why not just call me a worthless stinking
} fleabag and have done with it? Hey, let's spread a little Christmas
} cheer here. I suppose I have to supply my own honorific this time.
}
} "The Wondrous and Gracious Oracle Deigns to Answer your Questions"
}
} 1)What should I get my Grandmother's boyfriend for Christmas?
}     Not having a Grandmother myself, or indeed any corporeal relations
} as I am somewhat of an abstract ideal, I cannot speak with personal
} experience of them. I believe a friend of mine (Zeus? or was it Thor?
} one of the bearded chaps in Olympus, anyway) once possessed such a
} Creature. 'Twas at the end of the Time of Chaos, when Titans and Gods
} had been locked in mortal (silly me, I meant _immortal_) combat for
} millenia, and Zeus (or Woden, or perhaps it was Bob, God of things
} rhyming with the word 'Squirrel') spent his time creating new and
} ever more bizarre life forms with which the battle would be fought.
}     One day in his tower, he attempted a new spell combination, and
} from the primal vat was corporealised a short, wizened old lady,
} clutching a handbag protectively before her and muttering 'I was
} in the War you know, Sonny'. Zeus replied with the witticism that
} irresistably suggested itself, vis: 'Sod off, you scabby old bat',
} and chucked her back into the slime. And that was that. Sorry, I've
} completely forgotten your original question.
}
} 2)What do you get fr?
}    Now you're just being silly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a knitted jumper (two sizes too large), a pair of
} thermal socks, and a word processor that doesn't cut off your last sen


614-06    (2akc7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi. My friend just used ftp via email to get DOOM.
> UUENCODED and about 2.6 Mbytes. Server sent it in
> 48 kbytes pieces (sorry about grammar). Now he received
> message with subject Part 31 of 66 and he happened
> to delete it in accident. We use 2400 bps modem
> with usual rate about 100. Any ideas ? There are
> 20 parts more to come. Neat, ah :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go ahead and download the rest and then decode it.  DOOM will run
} just fine, except for a small gap in one of the more obscure
} overlay files.  You'll be able to play the game as normal except
} for a few small discrepancies that you'll easily get used to:
}
}    * The soundtrack will consist of Johann Strauss waltzes.
}
}    * The Balrog on Level 9 is now named Bruce.  Instead of trying
}      to kill you he will try to sell you aluminum siding.
}
}    * The password you need to emerge from the Mines of Doom on
}      Level 14 is "have a nice day".
}
}    * Every twenty minutes the screen will lock up for fifteen seconds
}      with the current display replaced by a banner reading, "SHOULDN'T
}      YOU BE DOING YOUR HOMEWORK?"
}
} No, they're not bugs--they're features!


614-07    (14bhi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh Great Oracle,
>       Seer of the Internet,
>       deeper thinker than the Shodan,
>       the world Grandmaster,
>       and the Princeton Mathematics department combined,
>       Knower of more Secrets than even the new Secretary of Defense,
>       able to access more data faster than any mere database,
>     I beg you to tell me:
>
>     Does the new year have something special in store for me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               A Month-by-Month Look at The New Year
}
} JANUARY   A famous and beautiful starlet (whose identity will
}           remain secret in order not to ruin the surprise) will land in
}           your backyard after a publicity stunt involving a
}           parachute goes awry.  You will have to cut her out of her
}           skin-tight jumpsuit to save her life.  She will be very
}           thankful-- VERY.
}
} FEBRUARY  In a bizarre political accident, you will be elected
}           President of the Commonwealth of Independent States.  You
}           will, of course, apologetically turn down the post.  The
}           ex-Soviets, undaunted, will move their capitol to Topeka,
}           Kansas, despite protests by the US Government.
}
} MARCH     You win $50 bucks in Lotto.
}
} APRIL     A coup d'etet in the CIS will be successful, eliminating
}           your unwanted post.  Unfortunately, the people, now
}           completely confused by so much political upheaval, will
}           mistake you for a Hero of the Revolution, and place the
}           revolutionary capitol in Topeka, Kansas.
}
} MAY       You find your old copy of "The Phantom Tollbooth" in the
}           back of a closet and rediscover a classic.
}
} JUNE      The starlet you rescued in January returns and tells you
}           that she circled the globe, looking for a lover who was as
}           honest and caring as you were, but to no avail.  She moves
}           in with you.
}
} JULY      A stray bottle rocket you fire flies out of control and
}           hits an actor playing Barney the Dinosaur on live
}           television.  45 million children watch as the Purple
}           Menace bursts into flames.
}
} AUGUST    In a landmark election, completely free of violence
}           or corruption, UN-supervised balloting declares you Premier
}           of the VBNA (Very Big Nation in Asia).  Beating everyone to
}           the punch, you declare that you're moving the capitol to
}           Topeka, Kansas.
}
} SEPTEMBER Bill Gates, driving his unregistered Porsche, slams into
}           your '88 Chrysler Cordoba.  He pays you one billion
}           dollars to keep you quiet.
}
} OCTOBER   The Mayor of Topeka, Kansas announces that tax
}           revenues are up 4,432,752% from the previous year.
}
} NOVEMBER  When you learn how much the Premier of the VBNA is
}           expected to earn, you quit your lousy job and move to
}           Topeka, Kansas with your new wife, the Oscar-winning
}           super-actress.
}
} DECEMBER  The Barney the Dinosaur show on PBS is canceled.


614-08    (7gcb5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did the comedian Sam Kinison go to heaven or hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sam Kinison was a pretty nasty fellow, according to those goody-goodies
} over at Disposition.  So they sent him to Heaven.
}
} For Sam, THAT'S Hell.  Major Hell.  Could you just imagine him dealing
} with billions of harp players?


614-09    (36bjc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of Oracles, who doesn't go crazy for Co-co puffs or Frank
> Zappa Records:
>
> What is the best way to kill Barney?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell Fred that he is fooling around with Wilma.


614-10    (3adaf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> please tell me why I cant telnet to y1.sdsc.edu
> the ip number is 132.249.10.1
>
> please tell me who I can find my friends email address.
> He works at bell labs in ohio and his name is Hank Modnar.
>
> elias
>
> [ Names have been changed to protect the innocent. -ed ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Elias, you currently inhabit a universe in which the machine
} called y1.sdsc.edu does not exist.  Which is probably just as well,
} since in the universe where the machine does exist, Pat Boone has been
} President for 14 years now.  In _your_ universe, the IP address
} 132.249.10.1 is assigned to an old IBM PC belonging to Serdar Argic;
} the reason you can't get to it is that most of the time, it is running
} a self-booting, pirated copy of Zork III.
}
} In order to obtain your friend's e-mail address, the Oracle sagely
} advises that you:
}
} telnet to rs.internic.net
}
} and then:
}
} type "whois"
}
} and next,
}
} type "dom bell"
}
} You will now see that this command does not give you a domain for Bell
} Labs, let alone for Bell Labs in Ohio.
}
} But don't despair.  There's more.
}
} Now you need to type "quit" twice, since the InterNIC requires strict
} adherence to ritual.
}
} Next, you should call up your newsreader, and crosspost to as many
} groups as possible, preferably including alt.config, news.groups,
} news.admin, alt.flame, alt.fan.rush-limbaugh, alt.folklore.urban,
} alt.peeves, alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine, soc.motss, alt.fan.lemurs,
} alt.personals.bondage, alt.ted.frank.troll.troll.troll, alt.discordia,
} alt.revisionism, alt.exploding.kibo, and alt.religion.kibology, a post
} that makes the following request:
}
} Oh great LEADER KiBo, O wi$e and LEARNED leaDer kibO, O seXXXy and
} wonderful LEADER KIBO, O BENEvoLENT and munifiCENT architeCt of
} HappyNet, PLEA$E iMPART tO mE yOUR sAGE wI$DOM!  and tellme what hank
} modnars at bell labs in ohios email adress is!
}
} Be sure to mention Vicki Robinson in your .sig.  This part is very
} important.
}
} Next, you must display a GIF of Sam Kinison on your monitor, get up
} from your chair, and draw a pentagram using your own blood on the
} floor.  Draw a circle around the pentagram, and place a single black
} candle, lit, at each point of the pentagram.  Stand in the middle of
} the pentagram and chant "I _do_ believe in ghosts!  I _do_ believe in
} ghosts!  I _do_ believe in ghosts!"
}
} Then, pick up your phone, call Hank Modnar, and ask him for his
} e-mail address.
}
} Done in the proper order, these actions _should_ yield the proper
} result.  Attention to detail is necessary.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shave and a haircut, or two bits, whichever comes
} first.  Void where prohibited.


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