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Internet Oracularities #615

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615, 615-01, 615-02, 615-03, 615-04, 615-05, 615-06, 615-07, 615-08, 615-09, 615-10


Usenet Oracularities #615    (70 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 13:56:17 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   615
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

615   70 votes beli6 8dclg akmb7 69lmc 2eqj9 4gri5 7ahjh 4itd6 plh52 hkn55
615   3.0 mean  2.9   3.3   2.8   3.4   3.3   3.1   3.4   3.0   2.1   2.4


615-01    (beli6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is eating a whole can of chocolate frosting bad for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely: Aluminum causes Alzheimer's disease.
}
} You owe the Oracle two dozen attributive nouns.


615-02    (8dclg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: cep@blowfish.taligent.com (Christophe Pettus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who can get high by merely wearing a
> Members Only smoking jacket,
>
> are all members members of the set of all members of men whose
> members have gotten them into trouble? If so, what to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm so glad you asked me this.  "Glad" isn't the word.  Words cannot
} begin to express my depth of feeling about this.  I will forward an
} appropriate response under separate cover.  By the way, did you know
} your will is invalid?
}
} Anyway, to the question.  A lesser being would respond (and indeed, as
} I well know, has responded) to this question by dodging the issue in
} one of several possible ways, as follows:
}
} a. "No."
} b. "Yes."
} c. "Your cipher does not confuse me.  I know that what you really meant
}    to ask was, `Why do birds sing?' "
} d. [Obfuscation] (references to "members" as members of parliament,
}    poor puns on "remember," and so on).
} e. [Gratuitous zots, oblique and totally unnecessary woodchuck
}    references, complaints about inadequate grovelling, etc]
}
} I am above all this.  I know exactly what it is you want to know.  It's
} dicks, isn't it?  You tried to hide it, but in the end it always comes
} down to dicks.  Just *once* I'd like to get away from it all.  The WC
} one: a poor allegory for penis length.  The Lisa paradigm: no
} explanation necessary.  Birds singing: we all know *why* they're
} singing, don't we? I don't even need to mention the
} police-cruiser-windscreen one.
}
} I digress.  You shall have your answer, but you really do need to take
} a good hard look at yourself, don't you?  Oh God, now I'm doing it.
}
} To answer this question we simply need to demonstrate that there exists
} firstly a set containing dicks (let's not put too fine a point on it,
} although in your case it's hardly avoidable) of men (I love a good
} unnecessary redundancy) whose dicks (vide sup) have gotten them into
} trouble.  This is easily done, and it's a big one.  I know that, you
} don't have to remind me.  But let's keep talking about your question,
} shall we? Let's call this set A.
}
} If now we can show that there is even one dick which is not included in
} that set, the answer to your question is clearly the simple option "a"
} above, although at least I've put a little effort into it.
}
} With very little thought (following your example here) I can cite one
} dick in particular belonging to, oh, let's just call him Mr. B.  This
} dick can be thought of as being set B.  Does set B intersect with set
} A? Does set A include set B?  The answer is clearly "No," because the
} dick in question did not intersect with anybody for a period of time,
} least of all Mr B.  When set B was attached to Mr B it was most
} certainly part of set A, perhaps the archetypal member of this set.  It
} is, however, now a unique set which has redefined set theory.  In fact,
} a whole new mathematical jargon had to be developed to describe this
} set.  It did not intersect with set A, but did intersect with the lawn
} mower, leading to bisection, cross-section, infection, and insects, not
} to mention a particularly nasty incident involving the set of little
} old ladies who beat snakes to death with their umbrellas.  As for Mr B,
} well, he now looks upon the "two-stroke lawnmower engine" in an
} entirely different and somewhat fond light.
}
} I hope this answers your question to your satisfaction.  If not, what
} else can I say but: STIFF!
}
} You owe the Oracle a two-stroke handicap.


615-03    (akmb7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...Oh ponderous one, what do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! An excellent question, Oh supplicant.
}
}  1) Michael Jackson is now a white woman living in New Jersey
}
}  1) There are K-Marts in New Jersey
}
}  2) Michael likes small boys
}
}  2) Small boys like K-Mart
}
}  3) You never see Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson in the same photo
}
}  3) You'll never see Janet Jackson and K-Mart in the same photo
}
}  4) Michael's audience shops at K-Mart
}
}  5) Michael is attempting to deplete the world's "Jheri Curl" reservers
}
}  5) The number 1 source of "Jheri Curl" is K-Mart
}
}  Just a few of the things Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5 more reasons (The Oracle's working on a top 10
} list for David Letterman)


615-04    (69lmc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                |     |
>                |     |
>          ______|_____|______
>                |     |
>                |  X  |
>          ______|_____|______
>                |     |
>                |     |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 |     |
}              0  |  0  |  0
}           ______|_____|______
}                 |     |
}              0  |  X  |  0
}           ______|_____|______
}                 |     |
}              0  |  0  |  0
}                 |     |
}
} I am the Oracle after all.


615-05    (2eqj9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What day will the 19th of May fall on in the year 3056?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has not yet been decided whether the year 3056 will take place.
} There is some pressure to abandon this experiment, which has turned
} into a bit of a mess, and start again.
}
} It looks as if 3056 will actually be 1062 of the new era. There will be
} some place a bit like Earth, but the bipeds there will not have
} appendices, the fifth month will have 47 days, and be called
} Wooooooooo.
}
} I might have given a bit too much away here.


615-06    (4gri5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Or dearest Orcle, who is just plain a swell guy.
>
> How come none of the priests select my questions for digesting?  Is it
> a conspiracy or am I just a lame geek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like Zen, humor can not be explained but must be demonstrated.  Here
} are several example answers to your question..
}
} 1.  Because boring answers like this one are a waste of
} of bandwidth and time.
}
} 2.  The priest are the twisted minions of the CIA.  As small children
} they were ignored and abused.  Once, they worked their frustration and
} rage out small animals.  Now, employed by a secret cabal involving the
} Defense Department, Ed McMahon and Microsoft, they are destablizing
} society by tormenting freshmen computer science majors with a mythical
} chance to be in a Usenet digest.
}
} 3.  Your questions will be selected if you maintain Oracle traditions.
} Suck up.  Mention the priest in your questions and replies.  Call  them
} ``twisted minions''.  Refer to ZOTs, Lisa, woodchucks, CS geekyness,
} Kinzler, Mt. Olympus, sex, the Oracle having sex, the Oracle having
} sex with Lisa, the woodchucks having sex with Lisa, the CS geeks
} having no sex at all.
}
} 4.  See answer 4
}
} 5.  Evil Twit! similar to asking someone how they grip their racket
} when they serve a tennis ball you have destroyed my ability to
} generate a funny response with a cripplingly self-consouious question.
}
} 6. Me and my video camera got lucky one time in 1989.  Mention
} ``fourteen things that can be done with a drill press, a yak, two
} waitress from Toronto, a fusion converter and 100 pound of oregano in
} a Indiana motel off of route 96'' and watch the priest blanch.  Ha
} Ha, I got me a free pass for life.
}
} And for the sake of completeness, a negative example
}
} 7.  That is a stupid question. ZOT.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better try.


615-07    (7ahjh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aha!  I finally have proof that you're a man, not a woman, no matter
> which incarnation you are.  You see, every time I think about sending
> you a letter, I type "mail oracle," certainly not, "femail oracle."
> How can you get out of this one, O Wise Mail One?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am neither male nor female, but email.


615-08    (4itd6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the world, who's nasal hairs I'm not worthy to wash, what
> is the perfect Christmas gift?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The perfect christmas gift must be perfect for both giver and
} receiver.  Perfection for the giver is simplicity of obtaining and
} inexpensiveness. Perfection for the receiver is both usefulness
} and unusualness (in that it is not something they would normally
} buy for themselves).  Therefore, the perfect christmas gift is air.
} Merry christmas.


615-09    (plh52 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, great Oracle, whose earwax makes a wonderful purfumed
> candle...
>
> Help me.
>
> I drank from a flask labelled "formula X", and my skin has started
> to grow fur, my nails have sharpenned, my palms and soles have grown
> hard, and my thumbs are no longer opossible.  In short, I fear I
> am slowly turning into a lion.
>
> What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thats impossible, stop "lion" to me


615-10    (hkn55 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, whose wisdom is matched by your humor....
>
> Are you the ghost of Alan Turing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I _am_ Alan Turing, living on in a Harvard architecture machine.


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