[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:08:11 GMT

Internet Oracularities #616

Goto:
616, 616-01, 616-02, 616-03, 616-04, 616-05, 616-06, 616-07, 616-08, 616-09, 616-10


Usenet Oracularities #616    (73 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 1994 00:10:34 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   616
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

616   73 votes 5koi6 8ddof cuo61 7jlh9 8ihka 9hrb9 9slc3 cihl5 ilma2 7gom4
616   2.9 mean  3.0   3.3   2.4   3.0   3.1   2.9   2.6   2.8   2.4   3.0


616-01    (5koi6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-seeing master of things known and unknown, oh keeper of
> immoderate knowledge, oh explainer of the ways of DOS and UNIX, please
> tell me:
>
> What is it (as Freud first asked) that women want?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women want a fast C++ compiler that generates small, efficient code;
} they want a globally-supported, full-featured Unix with an integrated
} (yet optional) GUI interface; they want...oops, wait, that's what
} >geeks< think women want.
}
} Women want (in no particular order): affection, love, diamonds,
} attention, more clothes, less body fat, ice cream, companionship, back
} rubs, laughter, kisses, chocolate, sunshine, less hair, cuddling, and
} flowers (to name but a few). Lucky is the man who can provide more than
} a few of her desires.
}
} If all else fails, several inches more than average can occasionally
} make up for a lack of any of the above listed attributes, but don't
} count on it.


616-02    (8ddof dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> boingee boingee boingee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A fascinating question, because unwittingly you have stumbled across
} some of the most fascinating yet little-known works in the Oraculean
} Library, if only you had the letters in the right order:
}
} e.e. bingo (Collected Works, MS Orac 7 fl. 12-acme)
}
}   An unrelated uncle of e.e. cummings, whose poetry is no less
}   enchanting, readable, or meaningful, worse luck. A sample is
}   appended:
}
}     the dwarf that saved the ship
}
}     the dwarf that saved the ship that night
}     was banana, like a corfu flight
}     he whiled his time as he tiled his wine
}     and this'll make money in forty years' time
}
} I, Bengeo  (MS Orac 9 fl. 15-vill)
}
}   An autobiographical account of an unsung Hertfordshire village, from
}   976 AD to last Tuesday. Including an unalphabetical list of licenced
}   floundry merchants and one of the first recorded swan songs, which
}   because the village is unsung remained unheard, thought to have
}   been written by a large duck who lived at the North Manor until one
}   unfortunate Sunday:
}
}     Winter is icumen in
}     Lhude sing "Guffaw"
}     Wringeth neck and stuff with sneck(1)
}     To cook(2) at gasmark foure.
}
}     (1) A type of watercress, or a package holiday.
}     (2) To cook.
}
} Beni Ego (MS Orac 15b fl. 28-auto)
}
}   Not, as one might expect, a psychiatrist's theory that all human
}   emotion is derived ultimately from the skeleton (probably your
}   father's), but very bad Latin for "I'm all right", written by the oil
}   baron Solide Denarii (86-54 b.c.). It is impossible to appreciate the
}   full beauty of the work in English, or indeed in Latin, so a French
}   translation is just as good:
}
}     Quand je suis retourne' a l'ouest, j'ai vu un grand cheval. "Mon
}     Dieu", j'ai crie', "c'est mon oncle mort, qui est revenu des
}     grandes vitrines vertes." J'ai mis les mans sur la te^te, fait une
}     petite ------, et alle' tout de suite a' ma soeur, qui habite a'
}     Limerick. "Mais c'est impossible", elle a dit, "parce-que ton oncle
}     n'a aime' jamais le couleur vert. Peut-e^tre bleu?" Par exemple!
}
}                                           - Chapter XVI, first words.
}
}   Why he called his book "I'm all right" is a mystery, but not a very
}   interesting one.
}
} Gibe One (MS Orac 12 fl. 87-sail)
}
}   A beginner's guide to sailing, although I personally would recommend
}   Michael Green's "Art of Coarse Sailing". Gibes, Forecastles, Masts
}   and Oarsmanship are all explained in great detail with iambic
}   pentameter and pop-up diagrams. Useful for plugging a leaky boat, if
}   nothing else, which seems likely.
}
} So, if that doesn't answer your question, then
} I be gone.


616-03    (cuo61 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle advises you not to chew on the edges of your question and
} leave a trail of toothmarks.  You have also wiped away your question.
} Please try again!


616-04    (7jlh9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most high
> tell this lowly supplicant
> how to write Haiku.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grasshopper,
}
} The first line has five
} syllables, second seven,
} and the third, too, five.


616-05    (8ihka dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I have to work with such arseholes??!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Non-grovelling Supplicant, you did it to yourself.  You chose
} to be a proctologist.  Now pull the rubber glove a little higher and
} cope.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of Preparation-H.


616-06    (9hrb9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'm asking YOU this since you are the smartest ever, and I
> think ONLY you would know this since it might be a secret which I've
> discovered.
>
> Now, I just heard that in the language called French, they call a dog a
> "sha".  Now, in Indian language, a "shaman" is a sort of God right?
>
> Now HERE's where this gets really weird - DOG spelled backwards is
> GOD!!!
>
> Is this a really neat discovery or what???
>
> love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you heard that a French dog is a "sha," you need your hearing
} checked.  In French a "chat" -- which is pronounced "sha" -- is a CAT!
} You are correct about the connection between "sha" (chat) and "shaman;"
} however a shaman is not a god herself, merely a priest -- one who
} mediates between man and the gods (les chats).
}
} As to the connection between "dog" and "god," that should be obvious.
} A dog is an anti-god -- the incarnation of evil.
}
} You owe the Oracle a French lesson and the sacrifice of a Chihuahua.


616-07    (9slc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Please 'O omnipotent oracle, who is so potent it puts Madonna to
> shame, tell me:  Is 6:30am too early to get up?!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely.
}
} However, never going to sleep is always a viable option.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mason jar of amphetamines.


616-08    (cihl5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You can put stock in a stockroom, but can you fit a whole store in a
> storeroom? And what exactly can you put in a mushroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If it's large enough.
}
} Alaskan sled dogs.


616-09    (ilma2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is my messge from mark harrison?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hermetically sealed in a pickle jar under Uncle Herb's back
}       porch.
}
}       You owe the Usenet Oracle a better e-mail routing system.


616-10    (7gom4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does BILL GATES use public domain software?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, as all of the public has become Bill Gates' domain.
}
} You owe the Oracle something that Bill Gates does not yet own.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org