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Internet Oracularities #617

Goto:
617, 617-01, 617-02, 617-03, 617-04, 617-05, 617-06, 617-07, 617-08, 617-09, 617-10


Usenet Oracularities #617    (73 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 1994 08:52:06 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   617
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

617   73 votes 98hqd 6moe7 aftc7 28moh 9midb hmr43 bhpe6 59qje inec6 gimb6
617   2.9 mean  3.4   2.9   2.9   3.6   2.9   2.4   2.8   3.4   2.5   2.6


617-01    (98hqd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sits at his computer terminal, typing at hyper-light speeds
} the answers to all of Man's questions which don't concern woodchucks,
} taking some occasional 2-microsecond breaks to scarf a Rally's combo
} meal, two bowls of Froot Loops, and a Dr. Pepper.
}
} Meanwhile, a collie bounds across the rolling hills of the countryside,
} chasing around a woodchuck.  She chases him around a tree, across
} a shallow river, and finally into a deep hole.  She growls at the
} woodchuck, claws at him, toys with him.  When the woodchuck begins to
} show signs of nervous breakdown, the dog ends his misery and <*ZOT*>s
} him. (Guess whose dog it is.)
}
} Suddenly, she hears, distantly, almost nonexistantly....
}
} "help"
}
} (start whistling theme music)
}
} She bounds back across the river, around the tree, across the rolling
} hills of the countryside, over the fence, and into the Oracle's office,
} where she begind to bark wildly at her master.
}
} "What is it, girl?"
}
} "Arf!"
}
} "Did Timmy fall into the well?"
}
} "Arf!"
}
} "Did you bring me another dead woodchuck?"
}
} The collie whimpers, remembering that she ZOTted her only catch of the
} day.
}
} "What is it?  What IS it?"  The Oracle gets no response.  Then he
} finally remembers.
}
} "O Generous Collie, who would never degrade herself by sniffing another
} dog's butt, who faithfully guards my house against invasion and does a
} very good job, who could fetch and skeet shoot a frisbee at the same
} time, tell me, what is the trouble of which you speak?"
}
} Something finally clicks, and the Collie tilts her head.  "Thanks.
} I heard a cry for help while I was zotting woodchucks.  It came from
} the southeast."
}
} "Well, what are we waiting for?"  The dog growls.  "O Collie who once
} attracted every Canine on this world to my front lawn when She went
} into heat, what are we waiting for?"
}
} With that, they bound outside, across the rolling hills, around a tree,
} across a river, down a country road, turning north to I-10, then going
} west on Dunlap, until it became Olive, and into the local community
} college where a pale user was staring into his computer terminal,
} drooling on the keys which were protected by a plastic Keyboard Kondom.
}
} "What is it, O Supplicant?"
}
} The user turned his neck, with great effort, since his neck was almost
} locked into its current position.  "uh, like, uh, how do I, uh, do
} this?"
}
} "Ask me a question, and I will answer.  Be sure to grovel profusely."
}
} "A question?  uh, ok... uh... how much wood....."
}
} "O Collie whose tail could wag fast enough to light up Las Vegas with
} wind power, sick'em!"
}
} The resulting ZOT destroyed the computer lab in that computer science
} lab, but the admins didn't mind, nothing productive has been going on
} in there since DOOM was released.
}
} You owe the Oracle the cost of all that equipment.  I could have just
} as easily looted the place.


617-02    (6moe7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is my Internet ID?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before you study the ID, you need to ponder the complexities of your
} EGO and SUPEREGO.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _The_Complete_Works_of_Freud_.


617-03    (aftc7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who asked you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, he did. And he wasn't paying attention to the game when he did,
} so the firstbaseman and pitcher were able to pull the hidden-ball trick
} and tag him out when he led off.
}
} You owe the Oracle "The Best of Abbot and Castello"


617-04    (28moh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why men like dogs and women like cats?  Dogs are so
> feminine and cats are so masculine...Are they not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine this in detail, based on commonly observed behavior:
}
}       ENVIRONMENT
} DOGS urinate on their local environment.
} MEN spray lawn chemicals on their local environment.
} CATS shed fur on everything in their local environment.
} WOMEN redecorate their local environment.
}
}       NIGHT LIFE
} DOGS chew leather objects for entertainment in the evening.
} MEN watch people throw leather objects around on television.
} CATS go out and get laid.
} WOMEN go out and dance.
}
}       HAIR
} DOGS go to great lengths to avoid shampoo.
} MEN don't care what it looks like, as long as it doesn't fall out.
} CATS spend hours grooming and licking their fur.
} WOMEN put afterbirth proteins in their hair to prevent "split ends."
}
}       DEFECATION
} DOGS leave wastes sitting on the front lawn.
} MEN stink up the bathroom and leave the toilet seat up.
} CATS bury their wastes.
} WOMEN think of the bathroom as the place where the bath is.
}
}       SPEECH
} DOGS bark at everything and howl when they're happy.
} MEN say everything loudly and yell at the television set a lot.
} CATS meow when they want affection and yowl noisily when they're upset.
} WOMEN phone their lovers at work and only raise their voices to
} complain.
}
}       I think you will agree that dogs are a lot more masculine, and
} cats more feminine, than you previously imagined.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a softer pillow; I'm busy hibernating.


617-05    (9midb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wierdest of Oracles, who has a pocket protester:
>
> Why are you such a geek.  'Scuze me, I gotto go play sports.  Like real
> men

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...image of two pale teenagers running excitedly into a room with a
} IBM 486dx2/66 with Super-VGA monitor and presumably a sizable hard
} drive. The floor is laced with various printouts of documentation
} files, passwords, ASCII nudes, etc.
}
} "Dude", says the fat one, "what are we doing here?  Aren't we going to
} pick up the Pentium motherboard at the drop site?"
} "Not tonight, on the way home I saw a bunch of vans that looked like
} they could be feds.  Besides, I wanted to show you the account I got a
} couple weeks ago on Internet!"
} "Internet?  Wow, you mean with Penix and everything?"
} "It's not Penix, butt-munch! It's Anix!"
} "Oh yeah.  I heard that Anix is real easy to hack."
} "We can't hack yet!  First we have to become elite, like we did on the
} boards!"
} "Hey, I don't have an account yet!"
} "Don't worry, when we get to be elite, I'll hack an account for you."
}
} The duo dial up the Internet, keeping a log of the whole thing on the
} printer.  They time out three times trying to find the guy's password
} written down.  They finally login, and the tall one gives the fat one a
} guided tour of the Internet he knew so far.  He went into IRC, joined
} #hack and #phreak and all those, and talked in an elite language
} unknown to them.  Not only was S now Z, which they already knew, but E
} was 3, I was |, 1, and l.  They learned quickly, but still didn't quite
} make the cut.  They were soon kick/banned from #hack and #phreak.
}
} Then they read the Usenet news.  They downloaded binary nudes from
} alt.sex.binaries.erotica, and quickly learned what forms of pornography
} were illegal in ANY country, and downloaded a sample of each of them
} quick as can be.  They browsed the rec.humor hierarchy to look for
} dirty jokes, and discovered how to un-rot13 the ones in
} rec.humor.funny.  They finally stumbled upon rec.humor.oracle.
}
} Intrigued, they mailed to this oracle@cs.indiana.edu.
}
} "Let me get this straight, you ask a question and some other guy at
} random answers it? COOL!  And we get to be anonymous!  We can do all
} sorts of stuff!"
}
} For fun, they asked the Oracle how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if
} a woodchuck could chuck wood about five times.  They wondered who would
} get each of their questions.  They began to get creative... they sent
} blank questions, questions with 20 blank lines, etc.  One finally got
} an idea.
}
} "The guy on the other end of this is probably some guy who thinks he's
} all cool just because he knows who Captain Crunch was.  Let's flame
} him."
}
} So they made themselves look really big, and made fun of the Oracle's
} alleged pocket protector, and told him that they were jocks and stuff.
} They couldn't wait for the Oracle to respond with some whimpering cry
} for help.
}
} Then, the following morning, the pair are obliterated by two
} high-powered ZOT bolts.
}
} You owe the oracle an athletic support.


617-06    (hmr43 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where will I find my great love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        You'll find your great love  on  the  silver  screen.   Okay
}        the movies  aren't  from  any  of the major studios and the
}        directors aren't well known, and the whole thing was  shot
}        using  a  cheap palmcorder,  and  the movie go-ers do hide their
}        faces hoping not to be recognised, and most decent people
}        wouldn't be caught  dead in  that  section of town.  Anyway,
}        have you looked in the mirror lately, your not the greatest
}        prize either.
}
}        Payment: Don't invite me to the wedding.


617-07    (bhpe6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: cep@taligent.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Adam and Eve have navels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, there weren't any oranges around.
}
} Just that darned apple tree.


617-08    (59qje dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy boom
> Boom tiddy tiddy bang

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, the Energizer Bunny has been assassinated.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of AA Duracells.


617-09    (inec6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I find anyone to join my Wesley Crusher
> fan club??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try asking Andorians, Wesley !


617-10    (gimb6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Excellent Oracle:
>
> I'm not feeling well, can you recommend a good placebo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try two askmes and call me in the morning.


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