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Internet Oracularities #618

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618, 618-01, 618-02, 618-03, 618-04, 618-05, 618-06, 618-07, 618-08, 618-09, 618-10


Usenet Oracularities #618    (61 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 1994 16:25:05 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   618
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

618   61 votes 6cffd fbj97 68kcf 5gle5 6jlb4 7ml83 6jjd4 fbgd6 5hpe0 6ehj5
618   2.9 mean  3.3   2.7   3.4   3.0   2.8   2.6   2.8   2.7   2.8   3.0


618-01    (6cffd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, generous Oracle, who welcomes every opportunity to help his
> admiring supplicants,
>
> will you allow me to market the oracular wisdom on a tv infomercial?
> i promise that it will be tastefully done, unlike some programs out
> there.
>
> i will of course donate a portion of the profits to charity in your
> name (since you already wealthy beyond the dreams of supplicants).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Benighted Supplicant,
}
} Get in line.
}
} Oracle (tm) was first approached by Ron Popeil, president and CEO of
} Ronco, in July 1988 about the possibility of marketing Oracular Wisdom
} in conjunction with other Ronco products.  The original proposal called
} for throwing in two Oracular answers if you ordered your Ginsu Knives
} before midnight tonight.  Playing second fiddle to another product
} obviously did not sit well with the priesthood, and with the Lorena
} Bobbitt trial starting this week, that's a product with which we'd
} rather not be confused. Negotiations continued however, with the
} priesthood insisting on being the primary product, maybe with a Salad
} Shooter thrown in as a premium and Ronco countering with an offer to
} incorporate Oracular wisdom in the handle of the Pocket Fisherman.
} This was mighty tempting, but the smell of week old carp in the glove
} compartment finally put the Kibosh on the deal.
}
} From November 1988 through February 1989 Oracle (tm) entertained
} competing proposals from Tom Vu and Tony Robbins.  Let me tell you, it
} was a tough winter.  Vu wished to incorporated Oracular insight into
} his no money down real estate millionaire program -  allowing investors
} to know in advance just how profitable a piece of property could be.
} This was just as the S&L Scandal was breaking and though we really
} liked hanging out on Tom's Yacht with the various empty head blonde
} bimbos (they're for real) he keeps around the place, the idea of
} working closely with the Resolution Trust Corporation and Silverado
} Savings and Loan left a bad taste.  We understand that Vu turned
} instead to Adnan Khashogi and BCCI and made a pile of money (which
} everyone is still looking for) off it.  Tony Robbins was just too much.
} As tall as Vu is short, with teeth a two year old horse would kill for,
} he just plumb wore us out.  No, we said, we really, really don't have
} any desire to walk across hot coals.  Please, we said, sit down, you're
} making us nervous,.  Tony! we said, shut the hell up!  No dice there
} either.
}
} In the Spring and Summer of 1989 that guy with the ugly sweaters on
} Amazing Discoveries and Incredible Breakthroughs  and Stupendous Junk
} tried to sell us on the infomercial route, with the Oracle as sole and
} star product.  We even went so far as to film a test spot, with a
} studio audience and all of the priests in really ugly sweaters that
} looked even worse than the one that Lisa once tried to knit.  I'll tell
} you, that canned, phony enthusiasm really was contagious - right up to
} the point where pinhead invited six "randomly selected" members of the
} studio audience up to try out the oracle.  You guessed it:  five
} woodchuck questions and one null query.  It's been alleged (but never
} proven) that the ferocious, concentrated and close range zotting from
} that day started seven brush fires in Los Angeles County and extended
} the drought for two more years.  I think there's an amazing fire
} extinguisher set to debut next month on that one.  Coincidence? I think
} not.
}
} After the smoke cleared, infomercial producers kind of gave us a wide
} berth.  We got the occasional approach from Time-Life books, Sears &
} Roebuck Aluminum Siding and other second rank players, but they were
} only tentative feelers and if we just casually observed out loud a
} physical similarity between the pitchmen and a woodchuck they
} hightailed it out of the temple pretty fast.
}
} Recently, however, we've been approached by QVC network.  They put
} together a nice package of designer Oracularities gilded in Black hills
} gold and set off with Diamonique "gemstones".   We wavered on this for
} months until they came up with the clincher:  They bought Paramount for
} us.  The priesthood continues to maintain the Oracle and make it's
} wisdom available to the marketing wizards at QVC and each week, one or
} more priests gets to guest star in an episode of Star Trek.  Perhaps
} you've seen them.  "Captain, over here, I've found something,
} AHHHHHHH!"  Really, it's a kick.  That counselor Troi, what knockers!
}
} So next time you're channel surfing past Gilligans Island and C-SPAN,
} drop in on the QVC channel and you might get to see James (Scotty)
} Doohan hawking Dilithium Crystal powered oracularities on the QVC easy
} payment plan.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new remote control.


618-02    (fbj97 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [This was the same question as 618-01, just above, so I
>  chopped out the text to save bandwidth -- SK]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [This would have been the same response as 228-02, so this
}  Incarnation chopped out the text to save bandwidth]
} [And next time, come up with a more imaginative question.
}  We can't have two in the same Oracularity that are the same.]


618-03    (68kcf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great arbiter of family values:
>
> My teenage sister has gotten herself pregnant. What am I to do?
>
> Your lowly supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make sure it doesn't get out to the public. If women realize they can
} get THEMSELVES pregnant it could be a hard blow on the marital market
}
} You owe the oracle two teenage sisters.


618-04    (5gle5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My job is getting worse every day, my manager is a complete idiot, and
> worse, much worse: He's going to marry that disgusting secretary (which
> is now automatically promoted to _disgusting sub-manager_). What should
> I do? Run for the hills? Become a politician? Please, tell me...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ASK MR. MANNERS
}
} by Bill Laimbeer
}
} (filling in for Mr. Oracle)
}
} >Mr. Manners, what should I do when I'm playing basketball, and someone
} >throws an elbow at me?
} >-Bruised
}
} Dear Bruised,
} You can't let this guy push you around like that.  In this case, it
} would be appropriate to put him in a headlock and wrestle him to the
} ground.
}
} >Mr. Manners, when I play "horse" with my friend, he likes to shout at
} >me while I'm trying to concentrate on my shot.  What advice can you
} >give me? -Frazzled
}
} Dear Frazzled,
} Your friend is not playing by the rules.  Try putting him in a headlock
} and wrestling him to the ground.
}
} >Mr. Manners,
} >My coach sometimes yells at us after we make mistakes.  What should I
} >do? -Puzzled
}
} Dear Puzzled,
} Your coach is being rude.  Put him in a headlock and wrestle him to the
} ground.
}
} >Mr. Manners,
} >My job is getting worse every day, my manager is a complete idiot, and
} >worse, much worse:  he's going to marry that disgusting secretary
} >(which is now automatically promoted to _disgusting sub-manager_).
} >What should I do?...


618-05    (6jlb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grovel here in Cambridge Mass. as the ebb tide before the moon.
> Forgive my curiosity but, the Speaker of the House is celebrating
> his funeral here in town today.  In preparation your close personal
> friends, the Gods, have sent us snow most deep, today cold most
> extreme.  What sign is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right you are, O supplicant, for you have discerned that Tip O'Neill
} was in fact the 154th incarnation of Buddha.  The heavens were indeed
} in a little bit of a to-do about some housecleaning to welcome
} Mahasamatman back, so a few traces of that activity must have trickled
} back to the site of his earthly transubstantiation.
}
} Let me tell you a story by way of illustration.  One day, a young
} "boll-weevil" freshman congressman telephoned Tip, interrupting his
} meditation.  "Esteemed Mr. Speaker," the congressman began, "I am
} calling to inform you that constituent pressures force me to vote with
} the Republicans on the upcoming appropriations bill.  Normally I would
} have sided with the Party, but you understand the situation I'm sure."
}
} "Excellent, my young friend," O'Neill replied.  "I am happy to know
} where you truly stand."  A pause.  "Incidentally, I am sure you will be
} interested to know that you should have a great deal more free time in
} the future, now that you won't be burdened with committee assignments.
} To give you a jump on your fundraising for what should be a difficult
} bid for re-election."
}
} In that moment, the young congressman was enlightened.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pathetic fallacy.


618-06    (7ml83 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The following was included in the latest Edupage posting:
>
> ELECTRONIC ROSARY. No more beads -- devout Catholics can now rely on
> the electronic rosary, a device much like a hand-held video game that
> responds to the push of a button with instructions on how to pray the
> rosary, which prayers to say when, and also plays musical versions of
> some of the prayers. The gadget was invented by an Italian priest and
> retails for about $42. (St. Petersburg Times 11/13/93 RSV)
>
> And who said the Church wasn't progressive.
>
> Larry Richards
>
>       What I want to know, oh most powerful oracle, is where can I get
> one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose I should warn you about this device.  In actuality, it was
} not invented by an "Italian priest," as Mr. Richards claims, but a
} secret cabal of apocalyptic scientists.  They have constructed a
} special circuit for all of the "electronic rosaries" which will flash
} a subliminal message into all of its users, which will implant a deep
} hypnotic suggestion to:
}
}   1) Buy the devices for their friends and
}   2) At a given signal, they will go into a Berserker rage and
}      kill all humans in sight.
}
} According to their precise calculations, they only need to distribute
} a certain critical number of these devices to ensure the total
} annihilation of the human race.  Hmmm.
}
} You can get one at your local Radio Shack.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to buy one for all of your friends.


618-07    (6jjd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose wisdom exceeds that of the wisest of the Ancients,
> please tell me, is it better to incorporate a small business, or to
> run it as a sole proprietorship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, both God and the Devil seem to prefer running as a soul
} proprietorship. Make of that what you will.
}
}       You owe the Usenet Oracle a mediator.


618-08    (fbgd6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we fart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a woman, I do not fart, belch, or sweat...  If I didn't bitch, I
} would explode...


618-09    (5hpe0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, fountain of all wisdom, possessor of penetrating
> insight, whose pens surely never leak in his pocket, please open
> my eyes to the explanation for this strange mystery:
>
> Recently I had need to replenish my supply of ball point pens.
> Journeying to my local purveyor of such devices, I purchased a
> package of 2 medium point, blue Bic pens (which I see are now
> styled "Bic Classic").
>
> Upon opening the package and using my nifty new Bic Classic, I
> was perplexed to see that the color-coded, removable cap for the pen
> is now open at both ends; there is a small hole in the top. This is
> true for both pens in the package. Every other Bic pen I have ever used
> was only open at the end where you put the pen into the cap.
> Why, Great Oracle, do these pen caps now have holes in both ends??
> Is the fact that the pen was apparently made in Mexico related?
> (Will I be able to write better Spanish now?) I am sorely
> perplexed by this conundrum, and am losing much sleep pondering
> the meaning of this change in the pen world.
>
> PS. The pen works fine.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's part of NAFTA, the North American Free Tip Agreement.  By act of
} the various governments of North America, all pen tips must now be
} free!  Free to breathe and live life to its fullest!
}
} However, powerful lobbyists pointed out (using the impressive tactic
} of buying expensive gifts for government officials) that having no
} caps on the pens would allow the ink to soak into the shirt, causing
} massive unemployment, increased drug usage, violent crimes among
} youth, immoral behavior, and an appearance by Barney on Oprah.  So
} legislators compromised with the Protestant Condom Cap, rendering the
} pen useless while giving a false feeling of security.  So don't
} invert the pen in your pocket, even with the cap.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 500-word essay on why medium-point pens are more
} popular than fine points.


618-10    (6ehj5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and protuberant Oracle, whose mere presence adds vibrance and
> tumerity to life:
>
> Why do the martians keep blowing up our space probes?  What are they
> hiding? And, what is the meaning of the mysterious face seen in
> previous photos of the red planet.  And, what's going to happen when
> that comet hits Jupiter, And why did NASA let SpaceLab fall from the
> sky and roast like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh.... (Oracle puts all its fingers together while spreading all its
} toes apart -- no easy feat and one that separates the Oracle from lowly
} question-asking dreck.) ... you seek many things. You think many
} thoughts. You inhale too much Oreo cream.
}
} The answers to these many mysteries can be revealed at last. In
} actuality, amazingly dentally-evolved creatures from outer space
} invaded this planet and helped bring man up to the next level of
} evolvement by means of a singular monolith left on the plains of the
} awakening horizon of mankind. Unfortunately for almost everybody, this
} happened about four weeks ago in Detroit, and the monolith was covered
} in colorful but rude spraypainted slogans inside of a minute, and then
} given a hefty grant by the National Endowment of the Arts. NASA
} discovered its mistake and tried to show respect to the aliens by
} giving the monolith its own TV show, but there were no results other
} than that it got better ratings than Roc. So you poor earthlings are in
} the path of some pretty hacked-off superior beings, with almost perfect
} teeth, and if I were you I wouldn't bother planning any summer
} vacations, if you know what I mean.
}
} You owe me one of Saturn's lesser moons, and don't try anything funny.


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