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Internet Oracularities #619

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619, 619-01, 619-02, 619-03, 619-04, 619-05, 619-06, 619-07, 619-08, 619-09, 619-10


Usenet Oracularities #619    (61 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 16 Jan 1994 08:20:30 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   619
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

619   61 votes 5hjf5 iod51 iu841 5gq86 5hej6 7ihe5 58mh9 g9hd6 4ahci fjh82
619   2.8 mean  3.0   2.1   2.0   2.9   3.1   2.9   3.3   2.7   3.5   2.4


619-01    (5hjf5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oz....oops, wrong super power...
> ...great and powerful Oracle,
>    who knows more about Athlete's Foot
>    than Dr. Scholls.  Please tell me,
>
>    Exactly how young of a woman is it acceptable
>    for me to date, I'm almost 24.  ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you love someone, set her free.
}
}    If she comes back, she's yours.
}
} If she toddles away or crawls, definitely too young.


619-02    (iod51 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Great Oracle ,
>
>  Please tell me what question I could ask you !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many moons ago you asked me what questions you could ask me...
}
} I have ponderd this awesomely complex question deeply, and considerd
} many possible answers - finaly after half an hour of very intense
} tantric sexual meditation ceremonies I had the answer!
}
} It is quite obvious that you are an inquisitive young person - with a
} thirst for knowledge, and a fondness for traditional English cookery.
} You could have asked me how to make a Bread and Butter pudding and I
} would gladly tell you.
}
} Ingredients:
}
} Milk - Loads
} Eggs - A few
} Butter - A lump
} White Sliced Bread - A few slice
} Cinnamon and Nutmeg
} Rasins - About a hand-full
} The outside of a lemon rind
}
} First butter the sliced bread, then trim of the crusts. Break up the
} crusts and place them in the bottom of the baking dish. Slice the
} butterd slices in half, sprinkling rasins between the slices.
}
} Next prepare some liquids - Get a litre jug, add about a pint of milk,
} 3 eggs, quite a lot of sugar, some nutmeg and a load of spices. Mix it
} all up and then pour it over the butterd bread. The liquid should half
} cover the slices of bread aranged in the dish.
}
} Sprinkle sugar on the top - It will be caramelized and will taste very
} nice. Now leave it to stand for about half an hour.
}
} Now place it in an oven at a medium heat - wait untill the surface is a
} golden brown. If it has worked out sucessfully It should have puffed up
} slightly. Next serve with double creeam and enjoy.
}
} You owe me a bag of sawdust, a length of string and a pack of Pringles
} crisps.


619-03    (iu841 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Congratulations!  You are the 500th recipient of this question,
> originally submitted on December 5, 1988!  Don't break the chain by
> answering:  pass it on to the next Incarnation!
>
> *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
>
> Dear Oracle, who is as potent as the Cincinnati Bengals' offense,
> and wackier than Sam Wyche,
>
> My girlfriend and I recently had another argument.  It seems we can't
> agree on anything.  She likes the Bangles; I like the Boss.  If I go
> to McDonalds, she complains that the styrofoam boxes are depleting
> the ozone.  I think that America's doing fine - she says we're
> bankrupting ourselves.
>
> How can we get past this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, loyal supplicant, the Oracle IS the cahain, so don't go
} griping to me about breaking it.
}
}       The solution to your problem is simple.  Watch Baywatch and
} Charles in Charge on TV, listen to Weird Al Yankovic and Bjork (I hear
} they are coming out with a duet album), and Eat at Taco Bell (remember,
} no lettuce 'cause it gives you gas).
}
}       You owe the Oracle a $100 gift certificate for Musicland (not
} that it relates to this question, I just want one).


619-04    (5gq86 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do freshmen, the scum of the earth, exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if they didn't, sophomores would be the scum of the earth.


619-05    (5hej6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you always have to have "tell me" in the subject line when
> answering a question?  If yer a God, or Goddes, why don't you already
> know that I'm asking you a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the thirteenth century, there was a marauding band of pirates, known
} as the "Dallas Cowboys." These pirates enjoyed going up to a helpless
} person and asking him a question whose answer was painfully obvious,
} then smashing him before he could answer and running away, laughing.
}
} This was a humiliating and often dangerous process; soon people began
} having pre-prepared, all-encompassing sarcastic replies ready to shoot
} back before they got hit. The Cowboys needed a way to slow this down,
} for hitting someone after they answer the question sarcastically lacked
} the sheer beauty of hitting them immediately.
}
} The Cowboys turned to the Oracle for assistance, and were informed that
} they could delay the process long enough to hit the person by making
} the person begin with "An answer to the #_____ question is required by
} the Cowboys." This worked, and soon enough, the Cowboys were as
} powerful as ever.
}
} Their reign of terror now recommencing, the Cowboys roamed the globe,
} asking people questions and smashing them. More and more of the
} innocent prey got on their PC's and asked the Oracle for help. The
} Oracle was caught in a dillema; both the question-askers and the
} question-answerers sought help.
}
} The Oracle's solution was the present day system; the Cowboys had to
} begin their questions with "tell me..." thus giving the answerers time
} to run away in fear. However, the answerers also asked a question, thus
} giving the Cowboys a chance to run the other way in victory. Both sides
} felt like they had won.
}
} Three people tried to buck the system by simply doing "ask me," so that
} they would answer a question, but not ask one, but they were turned
} into a pillar of salt, pepper, and A-1 steak sauce respectively.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 5-7 page paper on PC's in the Middle Ages and two
} hard-boiled eggs.


619-06    (7ihe5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that vienna sausage in your hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  Just so long as it's not a Red Hot sausage!
}
}     The Oracle incarnated as Joe Macarthy.
}
} 2.  SAUSAGE!  VIENNA!  NEW LOCATION?
}
}     The Oracle incarnated as Joe Piscopo.
}
} 3.  Duh, keep yur meethooks offa my sausage.
}
}     The Oracle incarnated as Joe Puluka.
}
} 4.  Hello,  I'd like to introduce you to one of
}     our new products, Mr. Sausage.
}     Hot, tasty sausage made fast and easy.
}
}     The Oracle incarnated as Joe DiMaggio.
}
} 5.  It's for Amy.  She likes it this way.
}
}     The Oracle incarnated as Joey Buttafucco.
}
} 6.  It's for the people.  They like it this way.
}
}     The Oracle incarnated as Joe Stalin.
}
} You owe the Oracle one baby kangaroo.


619-07    (58mh9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens when I die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you die, you will undergo one of the following processes:
}
} 1)  Your body will be emptied out, wrapped in muslin sheets and douced
}     in chemicals.  You will be covered with gold and placed under a
}     very large triangular rock.
}
} 2)  Your body will be shaved bald and used for hamster bedding.
}
} 3)  Your body will be studied to determine the cause of your death.
}     You will be placed in a box and buried under six feet of soil.  You
}     will have only a small stone above you, but many flowers.
}
} 4)  Your body will be eaten by vultures.
}
} 5)  Your body will be burned to a crisp, and the ashes of your flesh
}     will be placed in an ugly tarnished pot to live forever on
}     someone's mantle.
}
} 6)  Your body will be diced and used to study how blowtorches affect
}     organic tissue.
}
} 7)  Your body will be eaten by a soccer team on a mountainside.
}
} 8)  Your body will be scraped up with a spackle knife and put into a
}     ziplock bag.
}
} 9)  Your body will dissolve into the murky acid puddles common to the
}     first planet of Cygnus 7.
}
} 10) Your body will scattered, atom by atom, throughout the galaxy when
}     then transporter beam carrying it fails.
}
} 11) Your body will be vaporized.
}
} 12) Your body will be dug up and the brain will be placed inside the
}     body of a hideous, fire-fearing monster.
}
} So don't worry, everything will be ok.
}
} You owe the oracle your left big toe.  You won't need it where you're
} going!


619-08    (g9hd6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your son was not lying. The hole was fixed by his guardian taylor.
> Now, how do I pick up women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} very carefully.
}
} you owe the oracle a forklift


619-09    (4ahci dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that some questions that get posed to the all knowing oricale
> are real stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah... a lack of understanding of the inner workings of the Oracle. See,
} when a question comes to the Oracle, most don't realize that it is
} first passed through several random parsing programs before arriving at
} its destination. For example, your question,
}
} "Why is it that some questions that get posed to the all knowing
} oricale are real stupid"
}
} last passed through the parsing script "un-educate". Before going
} through that script, it appeared as:
}
}       "Why are some of the questions sent to the all-knowing Oracle
}       unintelligent?"
}
} As you can see, these parsing scripts can often greatly alter the
} content of the question, making them appear quite stupid.
}
} Now, this question *could* have also previously passed through the
} parsing script "de-grovel", and thus before that would have been:
}
}       "Oh godly Oracle, who forever shall be exalted as the mightiest
}       of the supreme beings, please tell a lowly supplicant such as
}       myself why some of the many questions that the all-mighty,
}       all-knowing Oracle is asked to ponder, come across as
}       unintelligent, wasteless banters of your infinite wisdom?"
}
} The question also could have been a result of the "de-woodchuck"
} script, and would have originally been queried as:
}
}       "Why would some wood sent to the Head Woodchuck be tough to
}       chuck?"
}
} Additionally, the question may have been a result of the "de-Quayle"
} script, and would have been:
}
}       "A stupid question posted to the Oracle is not a stupid question,
}       but instead a question that is stupid."
}
} Or, perhaps, it had been passed through the "de-Clinton" script, and
} was originally:
}
}       "If I ask the Oracle a stupid question, is it still stupid if I
}       quietly muttered it under my breath?"
}
} It may have even gone through the "de-mime" script, and thus was
} originally:
}
} But I think you get the idea.
}
} You owe the oracle a parsing script called "de-Limbaugh".


619-10    (fjh82 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle who could hide a squadron of armed and armored men in
> each nostril, who could carry off all the cattle of Donnegal in the
> crotch of his trousers, Whose single exhaled sigh brings fear to
> sailors across the ocean as their sails are torn to ribbons. . . .
> Well, you get the point - I got a question.
>
> Where's Bill Gates going on his honeymoon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Berke Breathed's ranch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bill the Gates doll.


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