[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:51:05 GMT

Internet Oracularities #62

Goto:
62, 62-01, 62-02, 62-03, 62-04, 62-05, 62-06, 62-07, 62-08, 62-09, 62-10


Usenet Oracularities #62    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 20 Nov 89 02:07:28 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


62-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one distinguish between Ostrich guano and pigeon shit?  Will
> the answer to this question make me eternally happy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only sure-fire way to distinguish between the two is to take a
} sample of the excretement, dry it, put it in a pipe, and smoke it.
}
} The ostrich guano will give you an excellent, long-lasting high, will
} greatly enhance pleasurable sensations, and give you incredible sexual
} stamina.
}
} Pigeon shit, on the other hand, is a different story.  The high levels
} of toxic chemicals, fumes, and garbage in the body of a typical city
} dwelling pigeon make its feces extremely dangerous.  Within minutes, you
} will be reduced to a babbling, drooling, brain-damaged moron, and will
} spend the rest of your life in a mental institution being spoon-fed
} apple sauce and watching "The Price Is Right".
}
} This answer won't make you eternally happy, but smoking the pigeon shit
} will.


62-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't Christians seem to notice the
>       obvious contradiction in the  first two pages of Genesis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm.... that depends entirely on what kind of Christians you mean.
} Here are some examples of the way people think about the contradictions
} you mention:
}
} Liberal Christians:
}     "Of course there are contradictions in Genesis. But after all, it's
}      only a myth, written several thousand years ago by poor ignorant
}      people who hadn't even heard about logic. And who believes in
}      myths, anyway?"
}
} Traditional Christians:
}     "It's not for you or me to criticize the Good Book. Simple folks as
}      us should leave that to the priests. And the vicar's never said
}      anything about contradictions. I suppose he would have told us if
}      it really was important."
}
} Ordinary, modern Christians:
}     "Uh? What contradictions? And what is Genesis?"
}
} Christian Fundamentalists:
}     "Every word in the Bible is TRUE because it was written by GOD.
}      Are you trying to tell me that GOD can be WRONG and CONTRADICT
}      himself? You'd better watch your TOUNGE, you UN-AMERICAN,
}      ATHEIST PINKO, or you'll end up in HELL, where people of your
}      sort BELONG, and where the CHOSEN FEW can watch your ETERNAL PAIN
}      and REALLY ENJOY IT!
}      And, IF there really ARE any so-called contradictions in the
}      HOLY BOOK, then the contradictions must be RIGHT and your
}      miserable man-made logic must be WRONG."
}
} Modern Mystics:
}     "What you haven't understood is that contradiction is the very
}      essence of Deity. It is only in the contradiction, which nullifies
}      our entire deterministic, reductionistic way of thinking we can
}      get an intuitive grasp of the true nature of Deity. God both is
}      *and* isn't. The world was created in seven days, *and* in twenty
}      billion years. I am both highly intelligent *and* utterly unable to
}      think coherently..."
}
} Comment by the Oracle:  Although the last way of thinking has been
} recently rediscovered by the "New Age" prophets and certain quantum
} physicists, it has been in a sad state of neglect ever since the days of
} Tomas Aquinas.  During the dark ages (what is called the enlightenment
} by unenlightened souls), only a few hard-core mystics still worked along
} these line.
}
} Of course, the Oracle knows that herein lies the only true source of
} wisdom.  Being of several hundred people, as well as a supercomputer, at
} once is a constant source of contradiction.  The Oracle also remembers
} Its childhood in ancient Egypt, when no God of any stature could manage
} without at least eight different, contradictory and mutually exclusive
} myths.  Those were the days!
}
} So, if the Oracle occasionally seems to contradict Itself, know that
} therein lies the Only Source of True Enlightenment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Kama Sutra.


62-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I know what the four basic food groups are.  But what,
> pray tell me, are the four basic sex groups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yin: e.g. intercourse in the missionary position nude on a wooden raft
} Yan: e.g. school uniforms, sticks and a pillory (recommended)
} Yuck: e.g. jelly, K-Y, bestiality and necrophilia
} Young, e.g. 15-year olds fresh out of fifth grade.
}
} Keep this knowledge to yourself, I may want to change it.


62-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know you can figure things out really well.
> I have a very embarassing problem and so I am forced to code this
> message to assure confidentiality. Please respond soon.
>
> Tsdjst js sodiu sjhksip3 l;lkw  . kdjhkj! ksdh9=teelkeydflouks s;jdf s
> lskj s;dl di w;lkd s
> sdklksksd? skjh oiu? poeioids jw djksl jl sj?
>
> LKslskd !! ;skds ksoiem%#$@ skjk! ksjdlh!!!  Please!!
>
> whew! I finally got that off my chest! Thanks ORACLE, you're a real
> DBMS (you know what I mean)
>
> Embarassed in Eritrea

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Embarrassed,
}
} You shouldn't be so embarrassed of yourself!  That kind of behavior is
} after all considered perfectly natural nowadays!  The fact that it's a
} capital offence in Eritrea is of course not very convenient, but you'll
} probably be able to bribe the judge by giving him private lessons.
}
} Unfortunately, it is too late for you to stop the publicity (the photos
} have already been published in the National Enquirer), so you'll
} probably have to explain everything to your Mormon girlfriend.  After
} all, there is a chance that she prefers sensitive boys to macho men and
} gets turned on by your wearing purple lingerie and high heels.  Maybe
} she'll even want to join you in your next session?
}
} Finally, the fact that the saddle seems to be stuck to your back is a
} natural consequence of using super glue instead of petroleum jelly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spanking.


62-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why O Oracle, Purest Entity, Storehouse of Knowledge, Fountain of
> Wisdom, why do such a large fraction of questions to your All-Knowing
> Self pertain to trivial, often kinky, and occasionally vulgar sexual
> situations?
>
> And beyond that O Fantastic Oracle, most puzzling of all to you faithful
> and humble disciple:  Why are such a large fraction of the Oracles
> Answers given in relatively crude sexual terms as k-y jelly, condoms,
> various sections of anatomy, and so on?
>
> Why O Oracle?  Enlighten me, I beg thee!
>
> For one Pure, Wise All-Knowing non-kinky Oracular Answer, I am prepared
> to contrive three Questions on a vulgar sexual topic of the Oracles
> choosing.  (teeth gritting)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Faithful and Humble Disciple:
}
} Don't worry yourself with my answers, just accept them.  Only in
} accepting my answers will you walk the path of Oracular Enlightenment.
} The Path also requires hours upon hours upon days upon months upon years
} of Wild, Uninhibited, Animalistic Sexual Activity, and according to my
} records, you are way behind in your practice.  You'd best get to work,
} Disciple.  I suggest a two-week visit to the Temple of Lisa the
} Net.Sex.Goddess.
}
} Get going.
}
} I mean it, be on your way!
}
} Why are you still here?  THE ORACLE HAS COMMANDED!
}
} And, by the way, when you get back, you owe the Oracle three nights
} showing it what you have learned at the Temple of Lisa.


62-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend stole my penus and doesn't want to give it back. What'll I
> do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lie closely together.  Give her the best orgasm you can, then get the
} big vibrator out of the draw and murmur `Darling, I'm exhausted.  I
} don't know what's come over me.  But if you'll just lie on your stomach
} a moment I can still give you a good time...  look at what I've got
} here.' She'll release you, turn over, raise her bottom, and you'll be
} free.
}
} You owe the Oracle a see-through baby-doll nightie and matching panties.


62-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm going to be very busy for the next few years, and women find me
> repulsive anyway, so is there any way for me to turn off my sexual
> drive?  It's nothing but a nuisance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You clearly want to turn it off, but have some way of turning it back on
} again.  I find that masturbating to climax four or five times a day,
} whether you want to or not, is quite effective; it fools your body into
} thinking that it is engaged in a highly sexual relationship.


62-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Many years ago, in a small town in northern Manitoba, a young lad was
> born.  This lad moved from place to place, gaining in wisdom and
> knowledge over the years, until he reached a small city in the
> northeastern sector of these United States.  Here he enrolled in an
> institution of higher education for the purpose of continuing on his
> path to enlightenment.  After completing most of his coursework, he
> still felt there was something missing in his qeust for knowledge.  What
> course of action would you recommend for this young man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lot's of good good dope and a 3 month affair with a very brainless, very
} beautiful woman based completely on sex.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Hedonism Magazine.


62-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Nonprofit Oracle!  If I were to include a contribution to the
> All-Knowing Oracle and it's priesthood with my Questions, how would my
> Answers be affected?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You would not get an answer to your question.  We would be closed down
} as soon as the money reached our temple.  The federal government is
} already unhappy with our status of legalized church.  They hate us as
} much as the witches in Massachusetts who were recognised recently.  If
} you gave us money, the feds would immediately revoke our tax exempt
} status and close the whole operation down.  They have told us they would
} even arrest our Oracle server program, placing it on a floppy disk and
} putting the disk in a vault.  You would destroy everything we've worked
} for.  You would break down the last wall that seperates up from quiet
} contemplative peace and the hell of the stripey hole.  What are you
} trying to do?  We've never done any harm to you!  Why are you doing
} this?  You are after our very blood!  We will get you for this!  Your
} time is short!  You better watch your step...  I'm going to find you,
} then I'm going to reach down your throat, tear out your stomach, and
} shove it up your ass!  You excrement!  You foul, filthy infidel!  Trying
} to kill us all with your donations!  I hate you I hate you I hate you!
} AAAAH!  AAAAH!  AAAAH!
}
} You owe the Oracle one helluva hefty bong load.


62-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do all these busted rabbits come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's all due to the fact that cellulose is extremely hard to
} digest.  Herbivores need special biological adaptations to manage it.
} Cows have four stomachs.  Rabbits manage it by running it through twice.
} Y'know, they eat their own shit.  No shit.  Well, there's been a genetic
} mutation among the rabbits in your area, caused by the radiation from
} your computer terminal or some shit like that, that's created rabbits
} that don't know when to stop eating their own shit.  I mean they just
} run it through over and fucking over again.  Together with what they
} normally eat, they just get really fucking fat.  Eventually, they ...
} yeah, you're getting it now ... they fucking bust!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bar of fucking soap.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org