[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:47:48 GMT

Internet Oracularities #620

Goto:
620, 620-01, 620-02, 620-03, 620-04, 620-05, 620-06, 620-07, 620-08, 620-09, 620-10


Usenet Oracularities #620    (73 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 08:35:40 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   620
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

620   73 votes 7npc6 cglh7 8dnhc 66kho dkig6 5iml7 2amrc 8iok3 7jpf7 alna9
620   3.1 mean  2.8   2.9   3.2   3.6   2.8   3.1   3.5   2.9   2.9   2.8


620-01    (7npc6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, Orrie Baaby,
>
>   I tell this chick she's got great knockers and she slaps me!!!!
> What's goin' on here?  I mean, sheesh, can't no one take a complement
> these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Agreed! I once told this totally built Ethernet router she had a nice
} set of BNC's and asked her if she would like to do the twisted pair.
} She wouldn't exchange packets with me for over a month!


620-02    (cglh7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose greatness and glory yada yada yada:
>
> Is it possible to get charged with assault for shooting the breeze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but it's possible to get charged with battery if you have a D cell
} in your pocket while being hit by lightning.


620-03    (8dnhc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle in the parrallel dimension where mu resides, I have a
> question for thee:
>
> I asked my wife what question she would like for me to ask you and she
> said that she was not interested in The Oracle in the slightest bit.
>
> Should I lock her in the laundry room with a woodchuck?
>
> Lowly Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Lowly (and Confused) Supplicant, I think it will be easier if you
} lock her in the laundry room with a key.


620-04    (66kho dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there life after death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Phffffweeeett!  Hooooolllllllddddd everything!  STOP.  WAIT JUST A
} DAD-BLAMED MINUTE!
}
} Now look, I know this is the 90's, and we're all supposed to be
} politically correct egalitarians and all that, and I know that for the
} past few years the priesthood has felt that the null-grovel ZOT is
} just a hideout for the grotequely unimaginative, but hey... THIS is
} where all this egalitarian horse plop leads!  You let a few supplicants
} slide, and powee, they think they can ask you to solve wave equations
} and unravel the mysteries of existence, and they don't even have to say
} "Please".  Not even "Dear Sir or Ma'am".
}
} That's IT.  I've HAD IT.  You know what?  I don't give a Frenchman's
} flatulence what the priesthood thinks. You want to know if there's
} life after death?  I'm going to let you find out the old-fashioned
} way.
}
} ZOT!
}
} I'm not supposed to do that.  So what?  I'm the Oracle.  I can do
} whatever I like, right?
}
} ZZOOTT!!
}
} Oh golly me, I zotted a supplicant for failing to grovel!  Will
} they EVER forgive me?
}
} ZOT!
}
} OOOOOHHHHHHH! There it goes again!  (I hate it when it does that.)
} Over the shoulder:
}
} ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!
}
} Behind the back, over the head, off the ceiling, nothing but net:
}
} ZOT!
}
} Five miles over the Jersey Turnpike, off the Garden State Freeway,
} bounces twice on the roof of the Spectrum in downtown Philly, falls
} through the air duct on the roof, hits the backboard and drops through
} the hoop, nothin' but net:
}
} ZOT!  ZOT!
}
} Oh, yeah, excuse me for breathing, I'm not supposed to ZOT supplicants
} anymore.  Ok, then,
}
} SKZZZIXXXXXPHFFFTTTTTTTziz ziz pop!  crackle crackle...
}
} Now, a nice big FAT one:
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ             OOOOOOO         TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ            OOOOOOOOOOO       TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
}           ZZZZZ           OOOO      OOOO                TTTTT
}          ZZZZZ           OOOO        OOOO               TTTTT
}         ZZZZZ           OOOO          OOOO              TTTTT
}        ZZZZZ           OOOO            OOOO             TTTTT
}       ZZZZZ            OOO              OOO             TTTTT
}      ZZZZZ             OOO              OOO             TTTTT
}     ZZZZZ              OOOO            OOOO             TTTTT
}    ZZZZZ                OOOO          OOOO              TTTTT
}   ZZZZZ                  OOOO        OOOO               TTTTT
}  ZZZZZ                    OOOO      OOOO                TTTTT
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ          OOOOOOOOOOOO                 TTTTT
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ            OOOOOOOO                   TTTTT
}
} Now, a little, quiet one:
}
}     (zotlet)
}
} and a few more for the road:
}
} ZOT!  ZOT!   ZOT!   ZOT!   ZOT!, dammit, ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!
}
} AAAAHhhhhhhhh.....
}
} ZOT! (Caught you looking!)
}
} Whew.  That feels better.  Now, to your question:
}
} Is there life after death?   Yes.
}
} That was good therapy.  I feel so much better now, you don't owe the
} Oracle a damn thing.  Stop in any time.


620-05    (dkig6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> should I make love to that spanish girl I met .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Due to the extreme crankiness of the Oracle, your question has been
} routed to the Magic 8-Ball.  Reply follows:]
}
} > Future hazy. Try again.
}
} [We apologize for any minor inconveniences this may have caused.]


620-06    (5iml7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bang, bang.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I observed that at a distance of 173 meters both your questions
} were 1.3 cm. low and .2 cm. to the right of your
} intended target. A nice group (.16cm) but points are not given
} for consistency. I would suggest a redirect of the questions
} after an adjustment of the verbal accuracy settings. Anticipating
} that you may not want to make these adjustments, the only other
} option is to elevate yourself above the intended target and wait
} for it to move from your left to your right. Under these
} conditions your questions should reach the target as anticipated,
} and have the desired affect. A grassy knoll may help with the
} elevation problems, but a more factual and exact answer may be
} found in a book depository (library).


620-07    (2amrc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <
> <
> <
> <
> <
> <

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, I hate to tell you this, but your fly's open.
}
} You owe the Oracle a deep red blush.


620-08    (8iok3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What color is your hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My hair!
}     it ripples and flows as the golden waves of wheat gleaming brightly
} in the autumn sun!
}     its highlights are as the sea-spray thrown up by waves crashing onto
} cliffs of basalt!
}     deeper, by far, is the shadow of my brow than the inky murk of
} uncharted ocean trenches!
}     every shake of my head produces repercussions that make the
} foundations of the earth tremble!
}     it is bright with the relentless ultraviolet of catastrophic
} supernova explosions in the void!
}     it smites the unwary viewer with hard gamma radiation, thermonuclear
} in its splendence!
}     without parallel is its multidimensional topology of its strands,
} unfathomable to mortal beings!
}     it...it...
}
} Wait a minute, this is _your_ job, not mine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a supertanker filled with Brylcreem.


620-09    (7jpf7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle whose bunions never ache, whose feet never smell, whose
> breath is always as fresh as a spring rain. Please answer me this:
>
>               What is the easiest way to get a boyfriend without having
>               to, as they say "put out?"
>
>                               signed,
>                               lonely

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a moment while I adjust my gender identity...  *BAMPF*!
}
} Hrm.  Trying to avoid sexual contact?  Reasonable enough.  So what
} you're actually in the market for is not a boyfriend so much as a
} sycophant-- sort of a combo fashion accessory and wailing wall.
} Fortunately, you're in the right industry.  As I'm sure you've
} noticed, there are a LOT more men than women in your terminal room...
}
} The key is to SEEM like at ANY MINUTE, you may be consumed with lust
} and pounce.  So talk about old boyfriends.  Smoke.  Drink.  Wear
} revealing clothing, even if you have nothing to reveal. [In fact, wear
} revealing clothing even if you would look better in concealing
} clothing.] Discuss fellatio in a loud tone of voice.  Screen out the
} ones who don't bathe (don't worry about their feelings, they're
} actually Monera, anyway) and take your pick of the remainder.
}
} There are some drawbacks, of course.  It's during bouts of depression
} that you really NEED a significant other, and there's nothing as
} annoying as pushing a fellow's hands away from your [BLEEP] in the
} midst of a full-blown angst attack.
}
} You owe the Oracle a little more time to think about it.


620-10    (alna9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand and mysterious Oracle:
>
> Why is a raven like a writing desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looking deep into the recesses of my writing desk, I find a dead raven.
} I wondered what the smell was.
}
} 1. Ravens leave scratches and the writing desk has scratches.
}
} 2. My writing desk is ink black (at least where I spilled ink) and so
} is a raven.
}
} 3. Raven can mean glossy sheen, which some writing desks have.
}
} 4. Raven can mean plunder, which my desk has been plundered...and I
} know who did it!
}
} 5. Writing desks are where you inscribe stuff and ravens inscribe (I am
} not going into details in case a little child is reading this).
}
} 6. Writing desks have Pigeonholes.  Pigeons are birds.  Ravens are
} birds.
}
} 7. Who really cares!
}
} 8. If my great aunt Fanny sat on either, they would be as flat as a
} pancake!
}
} 9. Ravens have been know to flock, while people have been know to flock
} to the Oracle's desk to see what sage writings lay there!
}
} 10. One is made of wood, while the other roosts in woods.
}
} 11. If you drop them both at the same time from the Leaning Tower of
} Pizza, in a vacuum, they would both hit the earth at the same time.
}
} 12. If you take a pound of ravens and a pound of a writing desk, they
} would weight the same.
}
} 13. As they both approach the even horizon of a black hole, they will
} appear to be going slower to a distant observer outside the attractive
} force of the black hole.
}
} 14. They were both used in your stupid question!
}
} That will be a turkey sandwich (I got very tired of ravens!).


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org