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Internet Oracularities #621

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621, 621-01, 621-02, 621-03, 621-04, 621-05, 621-06, 621-07, 621-08, 621-09, 621-10


Usenet Oracularities #621    (69 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 1994 08:18:43 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   621
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

621   69 votes koe83 5alna bkgf7 5dri6 3npc6 7eqi4 67hof jbic9 3gmm6 2gmdg
621   3.0 mean  2.3   3.3   2.8   3.1   2.9   3.0   3.5   2.7   3.2   3.4


621-01    (koe83 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise Oracle, who knows everything in the universe including
> the naughty bits,
>
> What really turns the babes on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Follow the following instructions, and babes will crawl all over you!!
}
}       THE USENET ORACLE UNLIMITED BABE SECRET:
}
} Supplies:
} 2 cups peanut butter                          4 Cups sugar
} 1 Bottle of your favorite perfume             3 Toothpicks
} 10 crates of whipped cream                    1 bottle of that green
}                                                 crap you put on your
}                                                 face
}
} Instructions:
} 1) Mix one cup of peanut butter with 3 cups of the sugar.  (You may add
} flour for texture).  Mix until even texture, and then chill.
} 2) While chilling peanut butter/sugar mixture, spread the bottle of the
} green crap on your face, chest, and back.
} 3) Use 5 crates of whipping cream to cover your legs, arms, hair, and
} um, any over questionary body parts.
} 4) Take the Peanut butter/sugar mixture out.  Mix in the other 5 crates
} of whipping cream and perfume.
} 5) Use the toothpicks to mix the mixtures into a frothy type substance.
} 6) When the babes see you, they will die for a date!
} 7) When the supermodel of your choice shows up, apply the second
} mixture to her body!
} 8) The Usenet Oracle wishes you and your date an exciting, and yummy
} evening!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary, and any left over (clean) dates, along
} with the left over mixtures.


621-02    (5alna dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Totally unflossable Oracle, who makes my toes grovel in front of my
> nose in abject terror of YOU, please help me find my mittens.  It's
> awful cold outside, and I cannot go out until I find them.  I've
> looked **everywhere**.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DEaR  SuPpLiCAnt,
}
}       We HAve InTercepted YoUr ATTEMPT To CONTact the Oracle.
}
} IF You Want to see mittens ALIVE again, PUT $100 IN a BOX outside
} YOUR garage DOOR tonight.  WE will NEGOTIATE for the missing SOCK
} later.
}
} SiNcerEly,
}
}       XXxXxXX


621-03    (bkgf7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great & mighty net.oracle,
> I am wandering in the wilderness,
> I am confused and bewildered,
> When I traverse the net I see many net.things and they each
> proseltyze and preach that their way is the way to true enlightenment.
> The discordia mosaic site instructs me to find Eris in my pineal gland,
> alt.religon.emacs tell me to eschew eVIl by m-x-worship-ing the one
> true editor, Kibo ranges across the net spreading his gospel of
> explosion,
> from every gopher site, ftp, cookie, news article, and unsolicited mail
> prophets preach to me, how can I find the true path to enlightenment ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Follow the green line, second door on the left after you cross the
} red line."
}
} The supplicant walks down the low, white hallway.  Her eyes glances
} furtively at the 'decorative' artwork on the walls...Kibo's
} self-portrait, a black and white photo of Heimdall at Ragnarok,
} Christ's autograph on a napkin from the Last Supper, Michael
} Jackson's missing glove....
}
} She pauses at the door, unsure.  "Shall I open it?  It might not be
} what I think...but I must know!"  She opens the door and enters.
}
} She jumps as the door slams behind her.  She whirls and sees the
} Oracle behind her, dressed in a white lab coat.  He caresses his
} stethoscope as he speaks.  "Oh supplicant, you have come seeking
} knowledge, and you have certainly come to the right place!  Please,
} stop up to the table."
}
} The supplicant, charmed by the Oracle's manner, does as he asks.  She
} provides only the merest token resistance as the Oracle straps her to
} the table "for safety reasons," but begins to regret the decision
} after the Oracle sets the table on end.
}
} Lisa enters through another door.  She is clad in leather and chains,
} her nipple-rings decorated with golden tassels.  She smirks as she
} approaches the supplicant.  Lifting the supplicant's chin with her
} riding crop, Lisa says, "So.  Ya came seeking enlightment, din't ya?
} Prepare to have your eyes opened...."
}
} ----
}
} The author at this time cuts back to the main lobby, where the
} receptionist wears only a secret smile, knowing that an Oracularity
} is the last bastion of cheap literary devices such as this.
}
} ----
}
} Her eyes opened significantly wider, the supplicant leaves the
} Oracular compound, barely noticing a new painting upon the Wall of
} Fame.  The Oracle and Lisa sip tea on the veranda and watch as the
} supplicant leaves.
}
} "Orrie, dear, do you think we were too harsh?"
}
} "Nonsense, my love," he replies as he reaches for a bagel.  "Millions
} of children watch Barney every day.  What could it possibly do to an
} adult, besides warn her?"
}
} ----
}
} Many miles away, across the Rigitan Desert, beyond the Mountains of
} Psychotonia, the new convert dons her suit, soon to appear as
} Barney's new friend...Baby Bop.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle an end to the ceaseless rantings of childrens'
} television marketing.


621-04    (5dri6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose mouse never gets stuck,
>
> Whenever I clean the little rubber sphere in my mouse,
> people make stupid jokes.
>
> What are some snappy things I can say to shut them up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle offers you...
}
} "The Top Five Snappy Comebacks List to Shut Up People Who Make Comments
}  to You While You're Cleaning the Little Rubber Sphere in Your Mouse!"
}
} Wait a minute.  That's too long.  Let's try...
}
} "Five Snappy Comebacks!"
}
} Hmmm.  Not really clear on what kind of 'Snappy Comebacks' are being
} offered. How about...
}
} "The Top Five Snappy Comebacks While Mouse Cleaning!"
}
} Number five:
}       "It's in the Mouse Field Maintenance Instructions.  Can't you
}       read?"
}
} Number four:
}       "Oh, and I suppose you never clean your balls?" (male-offenders
}       only)
}
} Number three:
}       "It's the key to keeping mouse-movements all in the wrist."
}
} Number two:
}       "Hey, it's either this or get an optical mouse!  And those things
}        can sear your eyeballs right out!"
}
} And the number one snappy comeback while mouse cleaning...
}
}       "I'm practicing for when I meet my boyfriend tonight.  Why, are
}        you jealous?" (female usage only, unless, well... *ahem*)
}
} You owe the Oracle a massage.


621-05    (3npc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, in your great and infinite wisdom, with sight of all
> things that were, that are, and are yet to come, (grovel, grovel...)
>
> There is something that puzzles me.  I have searched long and hard for
> the answer.  I have climbed the highest mountains, searched far off
> lands, sailed the seven seas, and even read a book (though admitadly it
> was a X-Man comic), yet I have not come up with the answer.  So in
> desperation, I have come to the Oracle.
>
> My question is this:  How do you program the VCR?  Everyone says that
> it is so simple, yet I have found no one (save my four year old cousin)
> who could actually do it.  Who came up with this whole VCR thing
> anyway?
>
> Help me Oracle, you are my only hope.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, as incomparable as your intelligence is to mine, have already
} stumbled upon the answer to this problem that has pained so many lesser
} souls.
}
} A VCR should *never* *ever* be programmed by an adult. This is
} dangerous to both the VCR, and the adult's mind. When your VCR needs
} programming, go to your local Rent-A-Kid[tm], and have it programmed
} for you. The manuals that accompany your VCR *were NOT* put in the box
} by your VCR-supplier, but are fakes, put there by the Devil[R] to trap
} unwary adults. The original manual, is just one piece of paper, in
} large enough type, so that even kids can read it, saying the maximum
} age for programming a VCR is 14 yrs, but that, for safety sake, people
} shouldn't even touch a VCR once they've reached puberty.
}
} You owe the Oracle the director's cut of DUNE.


621-06    (7eqi4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I love you and constantly work to glorify Your name.
> I'm always thinking.
>
> Now I have devised a special OracleGrovelSmiley for all the
> net.people to use.
>
> It is full of symbolic meaning; it shows a Supplicant, beaming
> broadly from delight at being in your Presence; the Supplicant is
> horizontal from having bowed down so deeply to abase himself. The
> supplicant's body is not shown, to indicate that You exist on a
> higher and incorporeal plane of Being than lowly mortals do.
>
> Okay. You ready? Here it comes --
>
>             :-)
>
> What do you think of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Pause...  Oracle scratches his head.  He sets his monitor on it's
}  edge. Now the smiley looks something like:
}
}     /-\
}      |
}     . .
}
}  "Darnit... wrong way..."
}
}     . .
}      |
}     \-/
}
}  "Much better."  But something still wasn't quite right.  Somehow the
}  supplicant's picture was more suitable.  And then it occurred to him.
}  He set monitor upright again...
}
}     :-)
}
}  "You know what supplicant?  You're right.  I'm much more effective in
}  the horizontal position."
}
}  You owe the Oracle a contraceptive.


621-07    (67hof dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, more dear to me than Bambi,
>
> How come the people who are always passing the buck
> never pass me any dough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: Oracle
} To: High Priest
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} High Priest,
} Umm, Lisa wants to _you_know_what_ right now. Could you look after this
} one for me? Good lad.
}    T.U. Oracle
}
} ---
}
} From: High Priest
} To: Priest #47
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} Priest,
} I'm a bit tied up at the moment. Perhaps you would like to answer this
} question.
}    High Priest
}
} ---
}
} From: Priest #47
} To: Apprentice Priest #98
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} Hey,
} The big guy is a bit busy right now. Perhaps you could answer this
} question for him, OK?
}    Priest #47
}
} ---
}
} From: Apprentice Priest #98
} To: Admin Clerk #143
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} Hiya.
} Remember you were telling me how you always wanted to answer one of
} these questions? Well, I got one for you. See what you can do.
}    Apprentice Priest #98
}
} ---
}
} From: Admin Clerk @143
} To: Records Archivist
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} Please check attached question w.r.t. previous attempts. Report ASAP.
}
} ---
}
} From: Records Archivist
} To: Assistant Records Archivist
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} I've got a bit of a backlog of search requests. Can you look after this
} one for me please?
}
} ---
}
} From: Assistant Records Archivist
} To: Janitor
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} When you clear out the trash tonight, just take a quick look to see if
} there's anything in there which could be used as the basis for an
} answer to this question.
}
} ---
}
} From: Janitor
} To: Chaimbermaid
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} Have a look around in Mr. Big's room when you get a chance. He's got a
} big book of clever answers and I need one real soon. See you behind the
} garden shed after work.
}
} ---
}
} From: Chaimbermaid
} To: Head Cook
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} They're both in their room at the moment doing _you_know_what_ and I
} need that big book off his desk. Can you get somebody to bring it down
} when you send up their supper? Thanks.
}
} ---
}
} From: Head Cook
} To: Head Baker
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} They're at it again. That means we'll need to order more whipped
} cream, treacle and all the other stuff they use. Just mix it all up
} together, don't bother to send up so many bottles.
}
} ---
}
} From: Oracle
} To: Supplicant
} Subject: #Qa13320
}
} Er, the kitched just sent me this large bowl of dough. Is that what you
} wanted?
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon of whipped cream and treacle. (Ready my
} dear?)


621-08    (jbic9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For the love of God, Montresor!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I said askme, not "cask" me!


621-09    (3gmm6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is so perfect that he always surpasses himself, your
> humble supplicant lies flat on his face in the mud and asks, "Hey, this
> isn't mud!  It's rapid-set cement!  How am I going to get up?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait for the road runner to go "Meep, Meep".  This will launch you into
} the air, landing in the path of a large train.  The cement will grease
} your feet, allowing you to slide smoothly along the tracks.  By pushing
} frantically, you will be able to barely stay ahead of the train until
} you manage to escape by heading down a siding.  You will turn to look
} at the departing train, breathing a sigh of relief, and not notice
} that the tracks end at the edge of a cliff.  You will travel along, in
} mid-air, for several moments until you notice.  You will then fall,
} head followed by body followed by tail, right back into the rapid-set
} cement again.
} Sorry about that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of ACME jet-powered roller skates and
} Chuck Jones' autograph.


621-10    (2gmdg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does a clock have hands, but no fingers or arms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the face of it, that's a good question.
}
} Clocks appear to have no fingers because they are bundled up against
} the wind, (people insist on winding them, you know),
} and have no arms because they do not partake of
} the alarums and excursions of war.
}
} Shins they lack for religious reasons, so clocks
} widdershins are counterclockwise,
} and their feet have been loaned out to poets
} who thusly measure time.
}
} Grandfather clocks have pendulous balls,
} but the strangest thing of all,
} is that if a clock has a second hand,
} it is its third hand,
} but its most minute hand is not its minute hand.
}
} You owe the Oracle Big Ben.


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