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Internet Oracularities #622

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622, 622-01, 622-02, 622-03, 622-04, 622-05, 622-06, 622-07, 622-08, 622-09, 622-10


Usenet Oracularities #622    (67 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 1994 18:19:55 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   622
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

622   67 votes cnl83 9fij6 498mo 45ojf 6npc1 2lgl7 4gbjh 78tf8 7jqb4 6biie
622   3.1 mean  2.5   3.0   3.8   3.5   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.1   2.8   3.3


622-01    (cnl83 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I, your Supplicant, beg to be deemed worthy of reply from your
> most powerful divination, and be enlightened in spirit and
> knowledge!
>
> Oh, great one, who is the guy on the Infinity commercial?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most lowly servant, you are obviously teetering on the brink of
} Insanity, to ask such a question.  Knowing who the guy is in the
} Infinity commericial will do no good to your life.  This is what will
} happen should you acquire this information:
}
} 1)  You will sell all your possesions and use all your money to buy an
} airline ticket.
} 2)  This airline ticket will take you to where the Infinity guy
} currently is.
} 3)  Upon arriving at the town, you will spend three days
} wandering aimlessly around the town, wearing nothing but a dirty towel
} wrapped around your waist, until you find the Infinity guy.
} 4)  Upon meeting the Infinity guy, you will promptly kill him with a
} pork sausage because of your raging jealousy of him (you don't think
} someone as ugly as him should be allowed to stand next to such a
} beautiful car).
} 5)  Because your heinous act was witnessed by thirty
} cops, you will be thrown in jail, where you will spend the rest of your
} days in a cell with a man named Bubba.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cake with a nail file baked into it.


622-02    (9fij6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle:
>
>       No matter how much you wiggle and Dance...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...you will never get all the sand out of your pockets.  It sounds
} terrible, but it is true.  Listen carefully to this recording.  We
} replaced the coffee in a fine New York restaurant with Solgers instant
} and went around with tape recorders in our trousers to gauge the
} reactions.
}
} (garble garble)
} Our Man: and how did you like the coffee this evening, madame?
} Madame: Oh, just f... hey, *you're* not our waiter! Waiter! call the
} police! I-
}
} (garble garble)
} Our Man: and how did you enjoy the coffee this evening, sir?
} Sir:... what the hell is that in your trousers?
}
} (garble garble)
} Our Man: and how did you find the coffee this evening, madame?
} Madame: The... waiter set it down in front of me?
}
} (garble garble)
} Our Man: and how did you enjoy the coffee this evening, Luigi?
} Luigi: oh, it sure was swell! mm-mmm!! good the the la-a-a-a-ast drop,
} I tell ya! Hoo boy! I could sit here and drink it all night if I
} wouldn't pee all night because of it! I mean, wow! This-
} Our Man:-thank you, Luigi.
} Luigi: No, I mean it!... say, did I say something wrong? Does this mean
} I dont get my fifty dollar-
} (large crunching noise)
}
} So you see, naive and guileless supplicant, nobody really cares about
} good coffee in new york. So you have to wonder, is this an effective
} advertising scam? Or has Solgers been sabotaged? Sabotaged by somebody
} out to make a buck... somebody kinda like you, perhaps?
}
} Sand. Hell, I dunno.  Theres alot of it.  It doesnt really matter if
} you wiggle and dance. Life is short.  Pockets are small. Turn off the
} computer and go stand in the rain for a change.  It might help.
}
} You owe the oracle a Train of thought... hers is boarding at the
} station.


622-03    (498mo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there sex after death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on which mortuary they take you to.


622-04    (45ojf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the
> seemingly unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating
> fires in Australia, the flood in the Midwest of the United States of
> America, the devastating fires near Los Angeles, California, the
> rapid and appalling increase in violence in cities, towns, villages
> all over the world, the famines, the diseases, the rapid decline of
> the family unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993)
> are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. The human
> race has trampled on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus 20:1-17
> (King James Version Bible), and Jesus is coming to set things right.
> These rapidly accelerating signs are an indication that Jesus is
> coming soon (Matthew 24).
>
> God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the
> earth and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of
> Satan's power. All those who are not guarded by God are in danger of
> forever losing eternal life.
>
> [ The remainder of this "question" has been editted out for brevity.
>   Please refer to any Usenet newsgroup of late for this posting
>   in its apocalyptic entirety.  -sk ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  Thanks.  Now that I know the world is coming to an end, I
} suppose I can cancel my vaction plans for next year.  And, heck, I
} guess I'll just spend the rest of my life relaxing.  No more oracle.
} The famous cs.indiana.edu oracle is no more.
}
} Thanks for your enlightenment.
} .
} Cc:
} write_log:delivered supplicant@somewhere.outthere.edu using local for
} supplicant
}
} Oracle% shutdown -now
} There are stopped jobs.
}
} Oracle% jobs
}
} [1]  + Stopped (tty input)  spell letter.to.universe
} [2]  + Running (tty input)  whois Satan
}
} Oracle% kill %1
} Oracle% kill %2
} [1] universe: Terminated
} [2] Satan:    Terminated
} Oracle% mail mom
} Subject: Bye, mom. I'm outa here.
} Well, I've heard that the world is coming to an end, and so I've
} decided to give up the oracle position here in Indiana.  I'm moving to
} Mexico to become a hat-dancer.  That's what I always wanted, mom.  I've
} never been able to tell you this, but now, it doesn't matter, huh?  If
} you see Jesus, say hi I'm sorry about the coffee cake incident.  Thank
} him for all of his nature and grace, especially the woodchucks.
}
} Bye, love you,
} Lester Browning
} .
} Cc:
} write_log:delivered kbrowning@sunnypines.fl.us using local for mom
}
} Oracle% rm -r *
} Oracle% shutdown -now
} ORACLE-Log_append: 18jan1994:  shutdown
}                    Oracle:     Terminated
}
} [bloop]


622-05    (6npc1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle most wise and wonderful, I need your help fast!
>
> Where did they put the bathrooms in this building?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh No....
}
}       Okay, listen carfully......
}
}       First you find a FAST horse.  (Yes, it's going to be a bit of
}       a trip, and you want to make sure you get there quick enough.)
}
}       Get on that horse, bareback, of course.  Ride it out of your
}       room, turn right, and go into a full gallop to the end of the
}       hall. Turn left at the end of the hall and ride to the end of
}       that hall. Okay, turn left again, and kicker into overdrive, I
}       know your bladder is about to bust, but for Lisa's sake DON'T BUT
}       ON THE HORSE!!!!  And try not to notice the water fountains,
}       which could make you think of waterfalls, showers, and the worst,
}       a leaky faucet....  DRIP,      DRIP,        DRIP....
}
}       TIE A KNOT IN IT IF YOU HAVE TO.  I see you riding with your legs
}       crossed.
}
}       Oh no, through all this babbling, you missed it.  Turn around and
}       go back....  Get that horse a moving again.  Turn right at the
}       end of the hall.  Turn right again at the end of the next hall.
}       Okay, you see that familiar office there on the left.  Yeah,
}       that one.  Dismount there, the bathroom is on the right.
}
}       What do you mean it was just across the hall from your office
}       the whole time?  You have no idea what you are taking about,
}       I *AM* the Oracle!  (Aren't I?)
}
} You owe the oracle a set of brass fixtures....
}
}       (There, now don't you feel so much better?)


622-06    (2lgl7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O is for Oracle, you big brain with hips.
> R is for Random Access Memory Chips.
> A is for All of the Questions you answer.
> C is for Comet, Cupid, Dasher and Prancer.
> L is for Long-Range ESP Clarivoyance.
> E is Eternal, which describes your annoyance.
>
> Put 'em all together and whattaya got?
> Oracle! Oracle! Oracle.... (you know what).
>
> Anyways, my question is this:
> OK, I'm using an Xterminal on a DECstation 5000/25, and my darn window
> keeps blinking out!  It'll just dissapear on me in the middle of a
> letter or something.  It's really getting annoying.  Do you know how to
> fix it, or how to reach a DEC technical assistant who charge me $200 an
> hour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DECstations are best repaired by means of a small animal sacrifice,
} coupled with the burning of the incense of your choice (just make
} certain it's expensive) and prayer to the Great God Zarquon. Actually,
} the Great God Zarquon isn't specifically a retainer of DECSystems, but
} he is a great pal of the Oracle's and doesn't have much to do these
} days, and will probably be glad at least to entertain your request for
} his intercession. Hiring a DEC technical assistant wouldn't do you much
} good, I'm afraid; he would only do all the things I have described
} above, and charge you the $200 anyway. The key seems to be in the
} combination of the choice of incense and the choice of small animal;
} try sandalwood with a lamb, and if your DEC remains recalcitrant,
} progress to jasmine with a calf or colt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Grateful Dead CD.


622-07    (4gbjh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most worthy oracle,
> Whose toenail clippings I dare not collect,
>
> Every time I go to the market, I hear somebody shouting:
> "Fresh Fish, Fresh Fish !"
>
> Who is Fresh Fish anyway ? Is he related to Fred Fish?
>
> Yours Humbly...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your theory, while plausible, is in fact incorrect. The true story is
} more complicated:
}
} Way, way back, many centuries ago, when sagas were still being written,
} and dinosaurs roamed the earth, and you could still ride the subway for
} a nickel, a giant arose out of the sea, and began to wreak havoc
} throughout the land. This Giant was over one hundred fathoms tall, with
} arms and legs of brass, a body of steel, and a head of solid adamant;
} consequently, he could wreak a great deal of havoc.
}
} It seemed that all was lost. But then, as the Giant turned towards the
} City, intending to devour it whole, a column of sparkly light appeared
} in the City Square, and as the light faded, a figure was seen to be
} standing there. It was a man, in dark trousers and a golden shirt, and
} he spake a few words of paradox to the Giant, who promptly collapsed
} in a heap of contradiction. The man then vanished as he had appeared,
} in a column of sparkly light.
}
} Ever since, that unknown hero has been worshipped throughout the land.
} Different sects, however, disagree as to what his name was. Some call
} him Kirk, and set up places of worship (Khurkhes) in his honor. Some
} call him James, and every four years celebrate his bravery by holding
} enormous Jimnastic competitions in honor of this great hero (the Olympic
} James).
}
} One group however, claims to have special knowledge of the true Heroic
} Name. They are the followers of Monger the Magnificent, who claims
} to have followed the Giant-Killer to his celestial ship. There he saw
} the Hero of the Square in all his glory, commanding four hundred men
} and women -- and other strange wights, including a strange, sallow
} being with pointed ears and eyebrows. Still more amazing were the
} magical inanimate objects under his command, including machines that
} could solve mathematical problems and play chess, chambers that moved
} of their own volition around the ship, and doors that opened of their
} own accord.
}
} It was these last that told Monger the true name of the Hero. For
} every time the Hero would approach a door, the door would open to
} let him by, and then close again once he was through. And every
} time they did this, they softly whispered his name: "Frsh-fsh."
} To this day, the followers of Monger (who are few in number, but hange
} around in marketplaces a lot) still invoke the great Heroic Name
} at every possible opportunity.
}
} You owe the Oracle 1,771,561 tribbles.


622-08    (78tf8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>       If you and I could switch places for a day, what would Lisa be
>       like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a very big IF.  I seriously doubt that a supplicant such as
} yourself could answer questions.
}
} Well, throughout the morning, she would constantly tease you, by
} wearing a low-cut blouse and leaning forward a lot, casually
} unbuttoning your shirt, and dropping the word "woodchuck" into the
} conversation.
}
} She would meet you for lunch at Bubba Pascali's Italian Ristaurante and
} Oyster Bar, and drive you mad with animal lust by fidgeting obscenely
} with a clam shell and a breadstick.
}
} Throughout the afternoon, she would work side-by-side with you,
} especially on questions that have obscure feminine references.  (There
} are a few things that not even an Oracle can comprehend.)
}
} Finally, in the evening, she would meet you at your place with a ball
} of twine, a box of assorded feathers, and a plastic swiss steak maker,
} and ... well, use your imagination.
}
} And that is how your day, with Lisa, would go.
}
} By the way, the Oracle is not in right now; he's a little ... tied up
} at the moment.  This is Lisa.  May I help you?
}
} You owe me your phone number and email address.


622-09    (7jqb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will everything go smoothly with getting my car back tomorow

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is the opinion of The Oracle that if the supplicant continues to eat
} all his vegetables, remembers to place his dirty socks in the laundry
} hamper and not scatter them over the living room floor, completes all
} his homework as soon as he comes home from school, and takes the dog
} for a walk at least once a day, then the supplicant's mother will not
} only return the supplicant's car keys tomorrow, but also the
} controllers to his Sega Genesis.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your X-Men comics.


622-10    (6biie dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, tell me;
>
> What is the difference between men and women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "wo".
}
} You owe the Oracle a good grade in first-year linguistics.


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