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Internet Oracularities #623

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623, 623-01, 623-02, 623-03, 623-04, 623-05, 623-06, 623-07, 623-08, 623-09, 623-10


Usenet Oracularities #623    (70 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 16:44:18 -0500

@@@ Check out the new 3rd edition of Brendan Kehoe's "Zen and the Art
@@@ of the Internet" book for a feature on the Usenet Oracle.  It's on
@@@ pages 18-19 under the title "Some Fun with Email: The Oracle".
@@@ Thanks to priest Joshua R Poulson for the promotion.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   623
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

623   70 votes lnbc3 ano94 9jk9d dql64 bcni6 dcta6 5one4 2dckn 5kok1 8ejib
623   2.9 mean  2.3   2.6   3.0   2.5   2.9   2.8   2.8   3.7   2.9   3.1


623-01    (lnbc3 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I just recently met this fantastic woman at a dance. We went to my
> place and had one great night. I never got her name, and I thought
> I'd never meet here again. But then, this last friday I met her again.
> To me it seemed like she wasn't recognizing me, which made me a bit
> cofused. Anyway, we danced all night, and ended up in her apartment,
> making love for a second time. It was even better the second time.
>
> Since I was free I stayed there all morning for breakfast, and every-
> thing seemed to go fine - until about noon when her sister came by.
> I overheard them speaking in the kitchen - the sister was pregnant
> with a man she had met a couple of weeks ago, but hadn't talked to
> since. Well - the real surprice came when I got into the kitchen for
> an introduction - they were twins!
>
> I guess you figured the rest of the story. We are all three now
> awaiting if the second sister is also pregnant...
>
> The question: What do I do? If both of them turn out pregnant, who do
> I stick to (they are both anti-abortion-activists)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You mean to tell me that you actually are considering sticking
} with one of them? You've got more moral fiber than most young men your
} age, but in this case, it might be misplaced. Normally, my sympathy
} would be with the ladies (there were a couple of early women's libbers
} amoung the priestesses when I was still back in Greece; this is one
} reason why I rarely run around on Lisa). In this case, however....
}       At the very least, you shouldn't remain with number two. Any
} Sweet Young Thang (TM) that not only sleeps with a strange guy she's
} never met before on the first date in this day is pretty stupid; not
} using some sort of protection against AIDS and pregnancy compounds
} the stupidity. (Of course, that applies to both of them....) But to
} not take precautions against pregnancy, given that her twin just got
} knocked up doing the same sort of dumb stunt? GET REAL!
}       If you really feel compelled to stay with one (and only one,
} but let's not get distracted), the first one at least has ignorance
} as an excuse. However, since twins are generally about the same level
} of smarts, if you keep either, you're probably going to be stuck with
} someone completely lacking good sense.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a way from keeping Lisa from finding out
} about this response.


623-02    (ano94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is is the "Peter Principle" a universal truth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because that's what life is all about, you know.
}
} All of society is founded on the principle of keeping peters under
} control.
}
} Woody Allen, Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Magic Johnson,
} John Wayne Bobbit, Joey Buttafuoco, George Herbert Walker Bush, Bill
} Clinton, all of these and more, have learnt to their sorrow how much
} trouble an uncontrolled peter can cause.
}
} And then just when you finally get into the situation where
} your peter is permitted to do its thing, it does,
} and peters out.
}
} By the way, there's no truth to the rumor about putting salt on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a leash.


623-03    (9jk9d dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> about erotic!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why are you sending me the last two words from your most recent letter
} the "Penthouse Forum"? Why not just send the whole thing? Here it is:
}
} Dear Penthouse Forum:
}
} I always read Forum and I never thought anything like this would ever
} happen to me. But it finally did the other night. I'm a freshman at
} Indiana State University studying computer science. Now most women
} around here don't really find me very attractive, I'm 5'4", very
} skinny with bad acne and I rarely shower. Well the other night after
} eating Chinese and playing Nintendo I settled down to my latest
} programming project, when I decided to log into the local BBS. After
} several hours of hunting down any messages which seemed remotely
} involved with women, I was summoned into a "live chat" with "Debbie".
} I entered the conference and there we were, both of us confronting
} eachother with so much sexual energy I was about to explode. We
} exchanged information about our respective hobbies and interests and I
} was going wild with ecstasy! But I held back waiting for the right
} moment. Then, "Sheila" came into the conference and there I was with
} two babes! I never imagined myself in this position. I found out
} "Sheila" was still living at home with her parents and was going to
} highschool and was looking for a boyfriend. I exploded. Then "Debbie"
} and "Sheila" both started asking me about which Nintendo cartridges I
} have, and I exploded again. Then power went out just before my last
} orgasm and I slept well, knowing that you would publish this
} incredible story in your pages. Talk about erotic!
}
} Live Long and Prosper,
} Norman Nyberg


623-04    (dql64 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "The quality of mercy is not strained..."
>
> Does that mean it's lumpy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, it means that it *could* be lumpy.  No guarantees one
} way or the other.


623-05    (bcni6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I bang a girl who wants easy "good" sex and be
> completly faithfull to a woman I care for even tho
> she says to go out and have fun.  I am torn between doing both

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: High Priest
} From: The Big Guy
}       He wants to shoot her?  You handle this one.  You're the murder
} and ethics expert.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Priest Apprentice #1
} From: High Priest
}       This one's yours.  Research your books on killing and come up
} with something original.  I'll be in my chambers.  Yeah, the perfumy
} one with the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Priest Apprentice #2
} From:  Priest Apprentice #1
}       The High Preist sez this one's for you, a direct request from the
} Oracle.  Seems someone wants to shoot his girlfriend to please his
} wife. Or something.  You figure it out.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Secretary, P.A. #2
} From:  P.A. #2
}       Grace, there appears to be potential for a TV movie here.  Please
} call Amy Fisher's agent, see if we can get her to play the role.  Of
} course I'll need a producer.  I'll direct, though.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Sam A. Gent
} From:  Grace
}       Sam, we need Amy for another TV movie.  It's got sex, drugs, and
} murder.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Grace
} From:  Sam
}       She's on her way.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Secretary, P.A. #2
} From:  Front Security
}       There's a broad claiming to be "Amy Fisher" here to see you about
} some sort of movie role?
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Front Security
} From:  Secretary, P.A. #2
}       It's okay, send her up.  She's kosher.  Well, we want her,
} anyways.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  P.A. #2
} From:  Grace
}       Miss Fisher is here to see you, along with Danny Devito, who
} wants to produce, now that all his directing jobs have flopped.  He also
} wants to play Buttafuoco.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  Grace
} From:  P.A. #2
}       There's no part for either of them now.  I talked to my
} 11-year-old brother about the new movie idea, and he said that "bang"
} means to fornicate, not shoot.  Thanks anyways.  Send them home.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  High Priest
} From:  Priest Apprentice #2
}       Looks like "bang" means to fornicate, not shoot, my lord.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  The Great and Merciful Oracle
} From:   Your lowly High Priest
}       "Bang" has different connotations than we thought, oh Great,
} powerful Oracle.  He doesn't want to shoot the girl, but "have fun".
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} To:  High Priest
} From:  The Big Guy
}       Huh?


623-06    (dcta6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear spiffy, splendid, superb, superior Oracle:
>
> It's Top 10 time again!
> From your experience, what are the ten best ways to cure insomnia?
>
> From a supplicant who's watched one too many Letterman shows.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Top 10 Cures for Insomnia
}
} 0. *Try* to stay awake.
} 1. Sex! If you don't fall asleep afterwards, at least you had
}    fun trying.
} 2. Read Hillary's health care plan.
} 3. Sex! (It's obligatory to repeat an entry in these lists.)
} 4. Count your breaths.
} 5. Do some askme's.
} 6. Sex! See notes above.
} 7. Get into your jammies, lie down in bed, and close your eyes.
}
} That's ten. You owe the Oracle an octalpus.


623-07    (5one4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most honorable oracle,
>
> I have just waxed up my surfboard, and would like some guidance in
> pointing my board in the direction of some fulfilling net-surfing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle could guide you in becoming an expert net-surfer by
} recomending some wonderful spots to surf, but this would be good you in
} the future.  To get the most fulfillment from net-surfing, one must
} practice. Alot. This brings me to my list of tips for becoming a
} successful net-surfer:
}
} 1. Eliminate any social life you may have.  You need to free up as much
}    time as possible for 'practice'.
}
} 2. Avoid the sun.  You need to stay a nice pale color.  This keeps you
}    from being mistaken for a real surfer.
}
} 3. If you excercise, stop.  see tip 2.
}
} 4. You must change your diet to include large quantities of caffiene
}    (for late night surfing) and sugar (twinkies work well).
}
} 5. Paint your windows black.  This keeps unneccessary light out of your
}    room.
}
} 6. Memorize the list of smileys.  This helps because you will have a
}    smiley for every occasion.
}
} These tips should get you started.  For more information refer to the
} Oracle Handbook (pg. 357-1595).
}
} You owe the Oracle some Mr. Zog's Sex Wax.


623-08    (2dckn dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are amway products?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (amwa)*(y), (amw)*(ay), (am)*(way), (a)*(mway), (amw)*(a)*(y),
} (am)*(wa)*(y), (a)*(mwa)*(y), (am)*(w)*(ay), (a)*(mw)*(ay),
} (a)*(m)*(way), (am)*(w)*(a)*(y), (a)*(mw)*(a)*(y), (a)*(m)*(wa)*(y),
} (a)*(m)*(w)*(ay), and (a)*(m)*(w)*(a)*(y).
}
}       You owe the Usenet Oracle an algebraic number theory text.


623-09    (5kok1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who's the best at Orifying --
>
> What's the right word for what we're doing here?
> Oraculating? Oraculizing? Oraclification? Oracling?
>
> Anyhow, it's better than sex, at least in the sense
> that one can do it more often.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle thinks all of your suggestions for descriptions of the
} process of consulting the Oracle are perfectly valid. The Oracle is,
} however, keenest on "Oraculating" .... stimulate the Oracle and you
} will, indeed, get a response.
}
} If you are truly blessed, you might get more than one.
}
} If you're lucky, you will get one almost immediately.
}
} And if it's a particularly good one, you might even get it in public.
}
} The Oracle cannot comment on sex, since It has none.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Joy of Sex" (for research purposes
} only)


623-10    (8ejib dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Worshipful Oracle (grovel, grovel),
>         please tell me: in washing powder adverts, you know, the ones
> where they offer some dappy housewife "2 boxes of mystery brand washing
> powder for one of Gloop, your usual brand" and she goes off and tries
> it and says "wow it even got my little Timmy's vomit stains off at 40
> degrees, what can this amazingly wonderful stuff be?" and they unwrap
> it and say "it's NEW IMPROVED Gloop and it's even better than the old
> one, so buy it",
>         Just who do they think they are fooling???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All those ads are fooling Mr. M.J. Duffy of 191 Sandon Road, Stafford,
} UK


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