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Internet Oracularities #624

Goto:
624, 624-01, 624-02, 624-03, 624-04, 624-05, 624-06, 624-07, 624-08, 624-09, 624-10


Usenet Oracularities #624    (71 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 29 Jan 1994 11:19:06 -0500

!!! @@@ Check out the new 3rd edition of Brendan Kehoe's "Zen and the
!!! @@@ Art of the Internet" book for a feature on the Usenet Oracle.
!!! @@@ It's on pages 18-19 under the title "Some Fun with Email:
!!! @@@ The Oracle".  Thanks to priest Joshua R Poulson for the promotion.
!!!
!!! As you may have already heard elsewhere on the Net, Brendan Kehoe
!!! was seriously injured in a car accident recently.  You may send
!!! e-mail to brendan-news@cygnus.com or finger brendan@eff.org for
!!! more information, including addresses for cards and contributions
!!! to medical expenses.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   624
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

624   71 votes 1bmlg cye83 mih95 4jy95 7pgj4 1amfn 38lof 3euh7 1ahnk 437iD
624   3.2 mean  3.6   2.4   2.4   2.9   2.8   3.7   3.6   3.2   3.7   4.2


624-01    (1bmlg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if you had two coins in your hand and an ice cream cone required three
> coins and there was a fountain, an elderly lady and a redeemable bottle
> nearby, how would you go about getting the ice cream cone that you so
> desperately desire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After much thought, the Oracle has devised the following solutions.
}
} 1) Knock the old lady on the head with the bottle. Offer to sell her to
} the ice cream salesman, telling him that she is your grandmother.
} Hopefully she will be worth at least one coin -- perhaps even three, so
} that you don't have to spend either of your original two.
}
} 2) Toss the two coins into the fountain. Hum "Three Coins In The
} Fountain" sufficiently loudly that the elderly lady overhears, becomes
} convinced you are a true romantic and tosses another coin in to
} accompany your two. When she is not looking, fish all three coins out
} (first draining the fountain with the redeemable bottle, if necessary)
} and buy the ice cream.
}
} 3) Fill the redeemable bottle from the fountain. Offer it to the old
} lady -- tell her it is mineral water and good for aches and pains. Tell
} her the price is only one coin. She gives you the coin, you get the ice
} cream.
}
} 4) Throw the old lady into the fountain. Jump in and rescue her, making
} sure you look as heroic as possible. Hope to be voted a reward by the
} fountain's owners, which should be enough to buy several ice creams.
}
} 5) Use the redeemable bottle, some water from the fountain and the old
} lady's knicker elastic to make a matter replicating device. Put one of
} the coins through it. You now have three coins with which to buy your
} icecream, and a useful toy to break the ice at parties besides!
}
} You owe the Oracle a hint book for an adventure game.


624-02    (cye83 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm, not sure, need more facts;
}
} Take off the sunglasses and stare directly at the sun.
} Please send me mail with the following information;
}
} What do you see?
} What color is your hair?
} Have you seen Elvis?
} Do you think he is with the Aliens?  (They have him you know)
} When you do wear underwear, what is the material made of?
} How many toes do you have?
} Have you seen the movie "Raising Arizona" ?
} Are your insides a rocky place where my seed can find no purchase?
} Have I asked you about Elvis?
} Without looking, do you have hair on your back side?
} Have you seen the Clinton administration's backward running watch?
} Do you own one?
} Can you estimate the weight of Rush Limbaugh?
} If Aliens return Elvis to your doorstep, what will you say to him?
}
} It is very important that you quote this message in your
} reply to me.  I help many beings, and even an oracle as powerful
} as myself, can lose a letter on the proverbial desk.
}
} In the future, so that I can give you the best possible answer,
} you may want to include these answers with all of your questions,
} but never, NEVER, ask me about the woodchuck.


624-03    (mih95 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle man, oracle man, doin' the things an oracle can.
> Is he a God? Is he a hack?
> If I send a letter will I get one back,
> or just get myself <ZOT>ed to crap?
> Nobody knows, oracle man.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is this a question?


624-04    (4jy95 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' magnificent one,
>
> If Satan isn't a slug why do you throw salt at
> him? And if he is a slug how come he doesn't
> leave a slome trail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a matter of fact, the reason we have the custom of throwing salt
} over our shoulder to ward off Satan goes back to the superstitious
} Middle Ages. Back then, if you happened to spill a valuable substance
} (like salt) on the ground, it was seen as an involuntary sacrifice to
} the forces of Evil.  To counteract this (since you can't very well pick
} up every grain of spilled salt) a pinch, picked up and tossed over the
} left shoulder (the left shoulder, being the "unlucky" side, is where
} the Big Bad Dude was judged to be hanging out after being attracted by
} the sacrifice) was enough to show him "Ha! I throw this in your face!"
} meaning, no, we don't want any Supreme Evil around right now, thank
} you. Psyche! Naturally, all this sodium-chucking got the Fallen One
} pretty ticked off after a few hundred years, so he invented
} hypertension to get back at humankind. Explains a lot, doesn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a jar of Mrs. Dash and a Medieval Studies course.


624-05    (7pgj4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a hitchiker on the information superhighway. He is wearing a
> plaid flannel shirt, torn jeans, a half eaten sandwich hangs in his
> beard. The walkman that he is wearing blasts Sinatra tunes from the
> fifties. How come this guy's out there and i'm in the hospital?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because, my friend, while traversing the information superhighway
} you must always remember that those ftped two megabyte binaries from
} alt.sex.pictures, hurtling along at the speed of light, always have the
} right of way.
}
}       You owe the Oracle the last twenty issues of Playboy magazine.


624-06    (1amfn dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty but sometimes misdirected Oracle:
>
> Is there a device which will allow us women to write
> OUR names in the snow after bartime??
>
> hmmmmm.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Ms. Supplicant,
}
} Since you are vibrantly alive, full of jollyness and beer, I will grant
} you my kindness, and answer your question to the best of my ability.
}
}             .                .
}   .     . .   . *.         .  . .  .    . . .. . .  .  .
}  .  .   .    .    .      .        .     .   .          .
}  .   .  .   .     .       .       .    .   .          .
}  .   .  .   .     .         .     .    .   .          .   .
}  .    . .   .    .            .   .    .    .         .  .  .
}  .     .     .  .       *      .   .  .      .        . .    .
}   *            .          . . .     .          . . .  .      *
}
}  * .
} .   .    ..                      ..
} .    .  .  .  *     . *   ..*   .  .
} .    . .... .  .   .  .  .     .... .
} .   .  .        . .   .  .     .
} . .     .. *     .    .   . .   .. *
}
}
} So, if you want to write your name in the snow, you will have to do
} it by squatting and hopping around, as Nature obviously intended.
}
} You owe the Oracle another 12-pack and a Bladder Control Award.


624-07    (38lof dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do to help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plant a tree. Call your local branch of Big Brothers and volunteer.
} Quit hogging the blankets. Smile when you say that, stranger. Take
} their keys and call them a cab. Make a tax-deductible donation. Turn
} the damn thing off and for God's sake READ something! Lead, follow, or
} get out of the way. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of
} the problem. Use your head. Give him a dollar; maybe he really needs
} it. Read the Bible/Torah/Koran/Bhagavad-Gita/Kama Sutra/All I Really
} Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten/Stranger in a Strange Land/Life
} 101/laundry instruction tag. Practice random kindness and senseless
} acts of beauty. Rub her feet. Always store beer in a cool dark place.
} Call your parents and thank them. Don't talk -- organize! Blow up your
} TV, throw away your paper, go to the country, build a little home;
} plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches, and try to find Jesus on
} your own. Don't pay people back; pay them forward instead. And
} remember, when all else fails, x=5.
}
} You owe the Oracle your best effort.


624-08    (3euh7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my telephone always ring at the most unfortunate time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The well-known phenonmenon of "Murphy's Law" applies in this
} situation.  Fate, being perverse, has a way of arranging things so
} that the phone will always ring when you are either asleep, in the
} bathroom (for whatever reason) or enjoying an *ahem* "intimate moment".
}       Also, as is well-known by those Internet people who log in from
} home using shoddy moments, call-waiting allows for an additional range
} of unfortunate times for a phone call.  There is a way around this,
} however.  You must simpw3SJHJH~&*@jdhj@]]@2sa
} jk2h387s80H&*(^#(89nn&(@(PNB&@nns897@*@^*(
}               #&*#nm897j(*D&7923h}}#]4i904iu]3cmkk8237jisus89w47hgt
} w3sjd]4[23]3213fgf
}
} NO CARRIER


624-09    (1ahnk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you like to take a survey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, why not. Let's keep it current too. I'll mail out the survey and
} compile the results right before your very eyes:
}
} 1. Should Tonya Harding be allowed in the Winter Olympics?
}       23% Yes      69% No        8% only in the luge without a sled
}
} 2. Should Nancy Kerrigan be allowed to give Tonya one good sucker
}    punch while Tonya has her hands held behind her back?
}       78% Yes       8% No       14% with brass knuckles on
}
} 3. Should Tonya Harding be allowed to do product endorsements?
}       16% Yes      49% No       35% only for "The Club"
}
} 4. Would you like to see Nancy and Tonya in a cat-fight with
}    hairpulling?
}       90% Yes       0% No        7% naked
}
} Thanks for your cooperation in the survey. Based on these results I,
} the Oracle, conclude you are all very sick people and you've been
} eating too many Hostess products, watching too much TV, and drinking
} too much Snapple sugar-water.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of figure skates and an hour of rink time,
} I've always wanted to try a triple axle, I know I can do it...wait,
} lemme try again once more...owww! my knees are starting to really
} hurt, I never knew a kneecap was made up of soooo many tiny bones....
} and how come my ankles are looking like black grapefruits?...uh
} oh...(sigh) ...


624-10    (437iD dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any good card games one can play with business cards?  Or,
> more specifically, are there any solitaire games one can play with
> business cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My forthcoming THE USENET ORACLE'S BIG BOOK OF BUSINESS CARD GAMES
} contains many more multiplayer than solitaire games.  Of course
} you'll want to buy the book, but in the meantime here's a sampler
} of three games, including the most popular solitaire variant.
}
} Game 1: Business Card Post Office
} ---------------------------------
} Party game, most fun with a large mixed-sex group.
}
} Everyone puts their own business card face down into a pile.  The cards
} are shuffled and each player draws a card at random.  One at a time,
} each player reads the name and job title on the card he has drawn and
} then says, "I have to put a stamp on <NAME>!"  If NAME's job title is
} more prestigious than Player's, Player must kiss NAME on the butt or
} drop out of the game; otherwise Player can either pass or kiss NAME
} on the mouth.  If Player chooses to kisses NAME, NAME can either accept
} the kiss, or call out "Harrassment!" while throwing his or her own
} business card in the air.  If the card comes down heads, Player is
} "guilty" and must sit out a turn; if it comes down tails, NAME is
} "fired" and is out of the game.
}
} If a Player has drawn his or her own card, everyone calls out "Pee-Wee
} Herman!" and Player is out of the game.
}
} The game ends either when only one player is left or when the remaining
} players are too busy kissing to choose cards; this is called
} "Corporation" and counts as a draw.
}
} Game 2: Business Card "War"
} ---------------------------
} 2 players
}
} Each player plays with his own personal business card collection.  Both
} players put their cards in a pile, face down.  On each turn, both
} players turn over a single card from their pile.  The player with the
} higheranking card shouts "I beat!" and adds both cards to his winnings.
} Play ends when one player has turned over all of his cards; the winner
} is the one with the most cards.
}
} In a friendly game, players may agree in advance to limit themselves to
} the same initial number of cards.  In tournament play, however, each
} player always begins with as many cards as he has.
}
} Ranking: Companies and job titles are ignored except when two cards
} rank the same, in which case the usual rules of corporate precedence
} apply. Otherwise, cards are compared by going through the following
} series of test:
}
}     Custom-printed       BEATS      $2 Do-It-Yourself Mall Machine
}     Color                  "        black-and-white
}     Embossed letters       "        flat letters
}     Times Roman            "        artsy-fartsy fonts
}     Hand-set type          "        machine printed
}     Halftone engraved
}       portrait of owner    "        photograph of owner
}     Hologram company logo  "        embossed logo
}     Internet address       "        Bitnet, MCI mail, or Fidonet
}                                       address
}
} Cards with any of the following are "wild" and automatically win:
}
}     UUCP bang-path addresses; workplace address with no numbers
}     (e.g., "Manor House, Sutton-Under-Barrow, Hampstead, England");
}     typesetting by Kibo
}
} Cards with any of the following are "jokers" and automatically lose:
}
}     handwritten corrections; company "Slogan in Quotes Like This";
}     dried boogers; Internet address @aol.com
}
} Game 3: Business Card Hangman
} -----------------------------
} a solitaire game
}
} Shuffle all the business cards in your collection and draw 13 at
} random. Place twelve of the cards face up in two rows to form the "jury
} box." Then place the thirteenth card face up below the others, saying
} as you put it down, "Behold the Hanged Man!"
}
} Write down the fax numbers from the 12 cards of the "jury."  Send each
} of the jury members a fax with the following text, signed by the
} "Hanged Man" with his fax number as the return address, after having
} scanned in his corporate logo to make a convincing fax cover sheet:
}
}         TO:  <Jury Member>
}
}         Since you didn't respond to my last fax I can only assume that
}         you are a miserable, cowardly excuse for a professional who
}         doesn't give a damn if his company goes down the tubes.  Well,
}         I wouldn't do business with you if you were giving away ice
}         cubes in Hell.  And don't even bother replying to this fax, now
}         that it's too late, because *our* janitor keeps enough paper
}         in the john for people to wipe their asses with.
}
}         <Hanged Man>
}
} Scoring: Consider yourself a winner if Hanged Man loses a job, files
} for bankruptcy, or commits suicide.  Consider yourself a big loser if
} you're not smart enough to hack the fax so your own return number
} doesn't show up on the messages you send.


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