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Internet Oracularities #625

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625, 625-01, 625-02, 625-03, 625-04, 625-05, 625-06, 625-07, 625-08, 625-09, 625-10


Usenet Oracularities #625    (83 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 1994 18:56:51 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   625
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

625   83 votes bvpa6 769oB 7chsj eun97 eCm72 awv64 5noid 8dqnd 4irjf 6itl9
625   3.0 mean  2.6   3.9   3.5   2.6   2.3   2.5   3.1   3.2   3.3   3.1


625-01    (bvpa6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> What does it feel like to be Zotted?
>
> (Listen you bloody stupid thing, I don't want you to zot me, I want
> you to tell me if that isn't above your stupid depraved excuse for
> a mind!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though the oracle regrets your disrespectful and brusque tone, it
} answers nevertheless.  To be zotted in more pleasant than being zitted,
} as many teenagers can attest.  It is similar to being potted, but not
} to being rotted.  IT involves being knotted, (like a clotted carotid).
} You see, a zot is hot.  But I fear a zot is not quite whot you thot.
} It is not a pleasant experience to be sot, so lie down on your cot,
} watch the football game, and bother me not.
}                               Thanks a lot


625-02    (769oB dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The outlook wasn't brilliant for r.h.o that week;
} For all the priest's submissions had been uniformly weak;
} And so, when Dr. Noe struck out and Otis Viles fell flat,
} A cry of "Not again!" escaped from supplicant Goldblatt.
}
} A straggling few logged off in deep despair.  But all the rest
} Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
} They thought, if only Oracle could answer one or two,
} They'd probably laugh so loud and long their faces would turn blue!
}
} But all this hopeful thinking was going to be quite moot
} For the Mage was in the dark, and Harold was a Foot;
} So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
} For there seemed but little chance of Oracle's getting past all that.
}
} But Darkmage hit a funny-bone and expectations grew,
} And Harold found a short exchange that bust a gut or two;
} And when the dust had lifted, and they saw what all they had,
} There were nine oracularities, and not one of them was bad.
}
} Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell,
} It bounded from the mountain-top, and rattled in the dell;
} It struck upon the hillside, and shook the very sky;
} For Oracle, mighty Oracle, was advancing for his try.
}
} There was ease in Oracle's manner as he stepped up to the screen,
} His teeth had a bright sparkle, his hair had a nice sheen;
} And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
} No stranger on the net could doubt 'twas Oracle at the bat.
}
} Ten thousand eyes were on him as he cracked his mighty knuckles,
} Five thousand bellies knotted tight in half-expectant chuckles;
} Then while the mailer-daemon started with a little blip,
} Defiance gleamed in Oracle's eye, a sneer curled Oracle's lip.
}
} And now the supplicant's question came speeding down the coax,
} The Oracle read, and frowned, and thought "This must be a hoax!"
} For there upon the screen the supplicant's lame question stood:
} "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?"
}
} From across the net, across the world, there came a muffled roar,
} Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore;
} "Flame him! Flame the supplicant!" a disgruntled reader said.
} And they likely would have flamed him had Oracle not zotted him dead.
}
} With a smile of supreme wisdom great Oracle scanned the crowd;
} He looked upon the ash-charred corpse, and then he laughed aloud.
} He commanded Kinzler's mailer to give him another try;
} The question came back quickly, and it was but one word: "Why?"
}
} "Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered, "Fraud!"
} But a scornful look from Oracle, and the audience was awed;
} They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
} And they knew that Oracle didn't want a lame question again.
}
} The sneer is gone from Oracle's lips, his teeth they gnash like mad,
} He pounds with cruel violence his mouse upon its pad;
} He sends his subject "tellme", it goes speeding like a bull.
} A question comes right speeding back--the question, it is null!
}
} Oh! somewhere on this Internet the sun is shining bright,
} The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;
} And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
} But there is no joy in r.h.o--mighty Oracle has freaked out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more creative question and Kirby Puckett's rookie
} year baseball card.


625-03    (7chsj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, big Dude, we all know that you aren't human, but what are you?
> Can you tell us what you look like? Do you have a tail or antlers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grumble, grumble -- Babs, get me the Pole on the phone . . .
}
}     Right away, sir . . . [phone connection noises] . . . Okay, line 2
}
} Thanks. [picks up] Hi, it's me --
}
}     Morozhenoj w potrzebie? Wlosz y --
}
} Um . . . sorry, your Holiness. [Hang-up] Babs, get me the *North* Pole,
} . . . okay . . . <mumble *@$#% temp secretaries $%#@$> Ah, there we go.
} Kriss?
}
}     Look, I said you'll get your check Monday -- I'm dealing with a
}     major elf crisis here . . .
}
} Uh, Kriss, it's me, Oracle. You know, Mt. Olympus, third house on the
} right, big red chimney, constant glow of omniscience . . . Right, well
} the postman screwed up again.
}
}     You got a Dear Santa letter? Hell, I've got enough problems dealing
}     with the letters I *got*, what with the creditors breathing down
}     my neck, and half the elves running off to work for those bastards
}     at Keebler, and --
}
} No, you don't understand --
}
}     Look, just give the kid a lump of coal -- coal's cheap, and a hell
}     of a lot more useful than some Nintendo gadget --
}
} No, no. I didn't get a letter addressed to you, I got one for one of
} your *reindeer* . . .
}
}     Hmm . . . well, most of them are in Lapland right now, for the
}     '94 Reindeer Games . . .
}
} This one's for Rudolf. See, it was addressed to "Big Rudy", but the
} guy's handwriting is bad, and the idiots at the post office read it as
} "Big Dude." Here, lemme show it to you. [Holds letter up to phone.]
}
}     You call that an R?
}
} Hey, *I* didn't write it.
}
}     *Sigh*. Okay, I'll pass it along . . . the guy should get a response
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} Memo:
} City of New York,
} Office of Mayor.
}
} Thank you for your question of _January 31_. In fact, I do have antlers
} and a tail, but I feel it is more important to emphasize that I also
} have a very shiny nose -- and, if you ever saw it, you would even say
} it glows. In these trying times of economic crisis and ethnic tension,
} I think the people of this great city should focus more on my nasal
} luminescence, and less on my categorization as a Reindeer-American.
} Thank you again for your concern, and my son Andrew says to say "Hi."
}
}                                          Rudolf Giuliani,
}                                          Mayor of the City of New York
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
}      along with your reply to his message -- maybe even mixed in with
}      it, somewhere near the end.
}
} Thanks. [Click.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of New York Minute Rice.


625-04    (eun97 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are opera singers usually fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They would rather sing in rounded tones than be flat.


625-05    (eCm72 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who is on a first name basis with everyone
> on Mt. Olympus. . .
>
> Does Tonya Harding =really= still think she will be skating
> at Lillehammer?
>
> Why doesn't she just just go ahead and sell the print rights
> to National Enquirer and the made-for-TV movie rights to Fox?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To do the latter she has to *act* as if she believes the former.
} Even if a jury of her peers finds her innocent, I think she's lost
} most of what she was after.  The only celebrity endorsement she
} has any hope for is Louisville Slugger.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pair of rink-side seats for the NHL, which is
} at least honest about violence.


625-06    (awv64 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle whose mighty brow scarce furrows while
> contemplating the impossible questions mere acolytes pose:
>
> What the hell is a woodchuck anyway?
> In Scotland, there is a sport called "Tossing the Caber" which
> involves tossing (chucking) a Caber (large cylinder of wood) as
> far as possible. The trick is getting it to flip over when
> thrown.  Some trick when it's the size of a telegraph pole.
> Remember, this is done by hairy men wearing skirts.  So, is a
> woodchuck a large hairy transvestite who gets his kicks heaving
> large phallic symbols around in a suggestive manner?
> Enquiring minds have nothing better to think about.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Woodchucks cannot chuck wood, otherwise the "if" statement would
} be unnecessary in the Evil Question(rm).  This is not to say that all
} those who are not Scottish are woodchucks, though.
}
} Note that the first spears, used by cavemen throughout the planet
} thousands of years ago, were made of wood.  In fact, everything that
} could be chucked, clubbed, or rolled, was made of wood until people
} learned how to cast metal.
}
} Also, beavers chuck wood quite often; how else could they build dams?
}
} My point?  I have none.  I just wanted to prove that Scottish men are
} not woodchucks.
}
} You owe the oracle the answer to the question:
} "How much steel could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} steel?"


625-07    (5noid dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> i WOuld appreciate yOur aDviCe in regard to a serious issue affecting
> tHoUsands of Citizens in the world today. that's right--subliminal
> advertising. billboards, television commercials, radio--everywhere we
> looK and listen in the WOrldwide media tODay there are seCret messages
> being distributed to our unsuspecting eyes and ears, and no way to
> protect our cHildren, innocent and UnsophistiCated, from their menacing
> intentions. bacK in the days When there was nO radiO anD no television
> there was virtually no subliminal advertising beCause it was Harder to
> conceal a sUbConscious image or message in newspaper printing. does
> this mean that the electronic media are responsible for all the crazy
> things that happen, and if so, how can we fight bacK?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} i would say the chances of being able to fight back is around Zero.
} however, i would not be overly cOncerned about the adverTisers causing
} all the craZy things that go on in this wOrld. despite the fact that
} it's unlikely that The little details in ads seiZe our minds and cause
} us spontaneously to buy or kill things, though, such fine points should
} not be ignored. the electronic media should nOt be to blame, however.
} the reasons lie in advancing accessibility to psychologists who can
} advise The advertisers. interestingly, the line between subliminal
} advertising and gimmicks is somewhat haZy. for instance, i was most
} impressed a few years back when pepsi printed cans such that if you put
} one on top of another in the right Orientation it spelled the word
} 'sex' down the side. nevertheless, i think you're being a biT paranoid.


625-08    (8dqnd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mysterious Oracle, whose reasoning is without fail and perfect,
> enlighten me:
>
> Your son and sage Heraclitus, whom you must remember, is reported to
> have said:  "The Oracle at Delphi does not answer yes or no, but gives
> a sign."  Is this crass commercialism or... (I'm sorry, I've forgotten
> my question.)  O Oracle, give me a sign.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} +


625-09    (4irjf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo O,
>
> What can you  tell me about the politically correct business

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PC-Filter......FOUND: 4 instances:
}
} Instance 1:
}
} Yo O
} ^^
}
} Not Politically Correct Error on : YO  Line 1
} Usage of colloquialism common for Afro-Americans give some clue as to
} origin of original sender.
} Suggestion: Hello
}
} Instance 2:
}
} Yo O
}    ^
}
} Not Politically Correct Error on : O  Line 1
} Usage of O may ostracize those with hemmroids, those who cannot acheive
} orgasm, implies stupidity, sexual connotations.
} Suggestion: Person
}
} Instance 3:
}
} Yo O
}  ^ ^
}
} Not Politically Correct Error on: Yo O  Line 1
} Immediate comparison of two items of which one is inferior to the
} other. Suggestion: YO O   Yo o
}
} Instance 4:
}
} Yo O
}  ^ ^
}
} Not Politcally Correct Error on: Yo O Line 1
} Apparent favouritism of the character 'o/O'.  Discrimination against
} other, equally competent vowels 'a/A e/E i/I u/U'
} Suggestion: Yaeiou AEIOU
}
} Document FAILS PC Inspection.


625-10    (6itl9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I am abashed by your relentless effulgence, and scarcely dare speak
> in the presence of such a superior Being, but speak I must.
>
> It's almost February, and I need your advice, because I'm
> Punxsutawney Phil.
>
> Well, actually, I'm Speedy Alka-Seltzer, from the old commercials,
> and I only dress up as a famous groundhog.
>
> You remember, of course, that I wrote to you a few months ago, my
> life in ruins, my pockets empty, no more limelight, the residual
> checks from my commercials long since spent. Nobody in show business
> cared about me any more, and I couldn't get a job.
>
> I turned to you for advice, and you saved my life. You referred me
> to the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce, who were in a dither
> because their famous Phil had been fried by a mysterious
> lightning bolt, and they needed a stand-in, but fast!
>
> Yes, thanks to you, I have a job, and I'll be on network TV, even if
> only once a year. It is all I ever wanted, and I owe it all to you!
> My gratitude is eternal.
>
> But, I have a problem, and reluctantly I bother you again.
>
> I'm rusty, Oracle! I've been away too long! I can't remember my
> lines! In the dress rehearsal, I popped out of the hole okay, but
> when all the bright lights hit me, I froze up! I couldn't remember
> whether to duck back in or to parade around Fred's back yard!
> I'm gona be a flop! I'm gonna lose this gig!
>
> O Oracle, who can hog more ground than the real Phil ever could,
> please help me, tell me, what shall I do, what shall I do?
>
> ----Speedy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Calm down Speedy, all is not lost.
}
} It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way. Even I used to get
} nervous when confronted by cameras and lights. Here is the benefit of
} my experience.
}
} 1)    Take plenty of valium. Then take three more just to make sure.
}       Things never seem too bad when viewed through a chemical haze,
}       take my word for it.
}
} 2)    Write your lines on the inside of your eyelids. The comfort of
}       knowing that they can be read in the blink of an eye will
}       probably calm you to such an extent that you'll remember them
}       anyway.
}
} 3)    Wear a good pair of very dark sun glasses. Popping up into
}       the harsh glare of studio lighting after hours sitting in a
}       dark hole waiting for your cue, can cause severe stress.
}
} 4)    Always evacuate your bowels and bladder before a take. It's
}       well known that rodent sphincters are not the most effective of
}       organs. The knowledge you're not going to crap all over the set
}       and maybe pee on the star of the show will be a great help. It's
}       one less thing to worry about, when you should be concentrating
}       on your lines, cues, and motivation.
}
} That's all there is to it really. I hope your career goes from
} strength to strength.
}
} You owe the Oracle a widescreen tape of "Caddyshack".
}
} BTW, If I ever catch you digging up my lupin patch again, my priests
} have orders to blow your face off with a shotgun. Have a nice day.


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