[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:09:16 GMT

Internet Oracularities #626

Goto:
626, 626-01, 626-02, 626-03, 626-04, 626-05, 626-06, 626-07, 626-08, 626-09, 626-10


Usenet Oracularities #626    (64 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 6 Feb 1994 18:23:42 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   626
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

626   64 votes hxa31 aekd7 hsb53 77gmc dne77 3bqh7 5gamb 4bgmb 1bpj8 9gddd
626   2.9 mean  2.0   2.9   2.2   3.4   2.6   3.2   3.3   3.4   3.3   3.1


626-01    (hxa31 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O musical Oracle, who knows the Dorian mode from the Phrygian mode,
> and who can count 7/8 rhythm against 5/4 to a background of
> squared-off waltz music being played by a fluegelhorn quintet, I sit
> here in the duck-call section of the East St. Louis Sympathy Orchestra
> (no one else would accept my talents), and abase myself before you:
> >>"QHAANK!!"<< (that was duckish for "I'm worthless") and ask you the
> following question ...
>
> I would like to advance to a different instrument, perhaps one that
> plays more than one note.  (Drums won't do.)  I had thought of taking
> up the Majestic Bellophone, but nobody seems to teach it.  The piano
> requires too many fingers, and the clarinet is too complicated.  What
> instrument should I play?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Choosing the right instrument is never easy.
} It's a question of pulling strings.


626-02    (aekd7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> You are never tired nor poor nor hungry;
> Your huddled mass always breathes free.
>
> It's boring standing here all day holding up this torch.
> And it's been lonely -- until recently.
>
> Was I ever surprised when Jolly snuck up behind me (from New Jersey;
> you'd turn your back on it, too, if you had to stand here) and
> goosed me!
>
> I was a bit offended at first; I'm an old-fashioned girl, after all.
> But then I realized that was just Jolly's way of doing things.
> He's so exuberant! Tres charmant! And so green!
>
> The other night when nobody was watching, I sneaked off to join him
> in his Valley. While I was there, I found this email, so I know that
> it is You whom I must thank:
>
> | The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> | Your question was:
>
> | > #     #                                                       ###
> | > #     #   ####         #    #   ####         #    #   ####    ###
> | > #     #  #    #        #    #  #    #        #    #  #    #   ###
> | > #######  #    #        ######  #    #        ######  #    #    #
> | > #     #  #    #        #    #  #    #        #    #  #    #
> | > #     #  #    #        #    #  #    #        #    #  #    #   ###
> | > #     #   ####         #    #   ####         #    #   ####    ###
>
> | > Hey Orrie!
> | > How is weather up on mountain yours?
> | > Down here in valley of Jolly, not so jolly.
>
> | > Need woman! Jolly is lonely.
> | > Need big woman! Giant like Jolly!
> | > Green one like Jolly is good, but Jolly is big, not bigot!
>
> | > You tell Jolly how to find woman, I give you lots of succotash.
> | > You lie in it with Lisa, warm and gooey!
>
> | And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> | } Well, Jolly, you are RATHER large.
> | } To find such a large woman, the only one I could think of is
> | } the Statue of Liberty -- and she's green, too.
>
> So, thank you, dear Oracle, merci beaucoup merci mille fois!
> Merci a vous que j'ai trouve' l'amour!
> La plume de ma tante e' sur la table!
>
> But now I have a problem, and I need your help!
>
> Earlier tonight, I went off with Jolly again and we went
> skinny-dipping in the Gulf of Mexico. The water is warm, and it is a
> convenient size for us. What fun it was! But --
>
> When I got out, I discovered somebody had stolen my robe!
>
> Oh, Oracle, it's almost dawn! What shall I do?
>
>                           Mlle. Liberte'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now you are "Liberty" as well as "liberte' [de vos vetements]." Such is
} the price one pays for promiscuity.
}
} The Twin Towers should suffice to protect you from the icy stares of
} New Amsterdamers and Jerseyites (although most of them, jaded as they
} are, wouldn't look twice at a tall, green, nude woman towering over
} them).
}
} Consider this a lesson learned. Next time you return from a date with
} Jolly, I don't want to smell Tequila on your breath.


626-03    (hsb53 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does water feel wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is amazing to me the number of people walking this planet who
} somehow managed to survive without any brain at all.  I thought that at
} least a modicum of higher-order function was necessary to survive in
} this world. Indeed, I was under the impression it took at least basic
} English comprehension to use a computer even for such simple and
} understandable task as sending e-mail to the Oracle.
}
} I'm sorry, dear Supplicant, but the answer to your question is:
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZ     OOOOOOOOOOOO    TTTTTTTTTTT     !!  !!
}           Z      O          O         T          !!  !!
}         Z        O          O         T          !!  !!
}       Z          O          O         T          !!  !!
}     Z            O          O         T          !!  !!
}   Z              O          O         T
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZ     OOOOOOOOOOOO         T          !!  !!
}
} Hmm, perhaps I got a bit carried away.  That was probably more of a Zot
} than necessary.
}
} Well, for those of you who are left, I supposed I'd better answer the
} question so I don't have to zot more people....my electricity bill was
} very high last month.
}
} When two or more objects, whether they be solid, liquid, or even
} sometimes gaseous, interact, there is sometimes an accompanying
} sensation due to the difference in composition between the two.  Nerve
} endings pick up this sensation and interpret it in a certain way.  Back
} when words were being invented, someone gave the name "wet" to the
} liquid-solid interaction, and to the accompanying feeling.  Since water
} is a liquid, and you are a solid, you experience this interation, and
} so "feel wet".
}
} You owe the Oracle basic books on linguistics, chemistry, and physics.


626-04    (77gmc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you're really the Oracle...
>
> ...what number am I thinking of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're not thinking of a number at all, you pervert.


626-05    (dne77 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
>      Why do so many people hate Barney?  I mean, he LOVES you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but saccharine is bad for you.  Just ask the Surgeon General.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rifle so he can put in some target practice
} on the purple monster.


626-06    (3bqh7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Beauteaus Oracle, whose nose hair is the fullest and shiniest in the
> world, and whose armpits smell better than the finest Limburger cheese,
> please enlighten your humble supplicant on the following subject:
>
> Why is it that women are expected to spend half an hour in front of the
> mirror every morning, primping their hair and applying expensive
> cosmetics to their faces, whereas men get off scot-free with a damp
> comb through their hair and maybe a little deodorant?
>
> This seems a bit skewed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Compensation for the car factor.  Women can drive Yugos for all men
} care, but men need a powerful, expensive automobile.  This is a mating
} display-- much like a male peacock's feathers, or a buck's antlers.
}
} In the wild, such ostentatious displays demonstrate to the female that
} the male is so successful, he can afford to *waste* metabolic energy;
} in Western society, cool cars demonstrate that the male is so
} successful, he can afford to *waste* money.
}
} You will note that after marriage, women become less careful about
} their makeup and men start driving station wagons.  (Until the male
} "midlife crisis," when they flip out and buy another muscle car.)
}
} You owe the Oracle fifty metric tons of eye shadow and a Panzer.  I'm
} bisexual, you see.


626-07    (5gamb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Philosophy or Economics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am, therefore I pay taxes.


626-08    (4bgmb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If object-oriented extensions to C result in C++, then what would
> object-oriented extensions to COBOL create?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Apocalypse.  Don't you people keep Bibles around the house?
} Revelations 14, verses 7 through 11, clearly state:
}
} 014:007 Saying with a loud voice, Fear God, and give glory to him; for
}         the hour of his judgment is come: and worship him that made
}         ones, and zeros, and the disks, and the fountains of coffee.
}
} 014:008 And there followed another angel, saying, IBM is fallen, is
}         fallen, that great city, because she made all nations drink
}         of the wine of her object oriented extensions to Satan's
}         tongue.
}
} 014:009 And the third angel followed them, saying with a loud voice,
}         If any man worship the beast and his image, and receive his
}         mark in his forehead, or in his hand,
}
} 014:010 The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is
}         poured out without mixture into the promotional mug of his
}         indignation; and he shall be tormented with flowcharts and
}         tight ties in the presence of the holy angels, and in the
}         presence of the Lamb:
}
} 014:011 And the unclear specifications of their torment ascendeth up
}         for ever and ever: and they have no reliable hardware support
}         day nor night, who worship the beast and his image, and
}         whosoever receiveth the mark of his name.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Gutenberg Torah.


626-09    (1bpj8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A funny thing happened at work today. I walked into my office, which I
> share with several other people, after lunch today, and couldn't help
> noticing that every object in the room had been removed.  No furniture,
> no bookshelves, no books, no papers.  All gone.  While I am tracking
> down the appropriate people to determine what happened, I thought you
> could shed some light on this mystery.  So tell me, All-Knowing Oracle,
> just where the hell is my stuff?
>
> - A bemused, if not somewhat irate, supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant, you did not need to contact me at all, as you have just
} answered your own question.  "Where the hell is my stuff?" you ask,
} and, in fact, that is precisely where it is.  You see, at sixteen
} minutes past noon today, when you were at lunch, griping to your
} co-workers about how bad your working conditions are, a freak wormhole
} opened up in intradimensional space and a big bunch of possibility
} energy swarmed through the very room in which you were sitting.
}
} Needless to say, supplicant, everything would have been fine if you
} hadn't chosen that exact moment to say "... to hell with it all!".
}
} I'm afraid you're going to have to get some new stuff.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology for including him in your concept of
} "all", and a tall glass of ice water, as it's getting very hot here at
} your desk.


626-10    (9gddd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Doubt thou the stars are fire;
> Doubt that the sun doth move;
> Doubt truth to be a liar;
> But never doubt I laud.
> O dear Oracle, I am ill at these numbers;
> I have not art to reckon my grovels: but that
> I laud thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.
> Thine evermore most dear sage, whilst
> this Unix machine is to him.
>
> The centre of my question circles
> The anatomy of the two-backed beast.
> Do those backs in concert line
> Or in opposition, yea:
> To 69, or not to 69--that is my question:
> Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
> The sprains and contortions of original fornication,
> Or to take mouth against the genitalia,
> Of each opposing end?  To lick: to suck;
> Oh, more!  And by a suck to say we end
> the heartache and the thousand natural shocks
> that flesh is heir to.  'tis a consummation
> devoutly to be wished.  To lick, to suck;
> to suck! perchance to come:--aye, there's the rub;
> for in that new postion who knows where come may go
> When we have shuffled off to mutual coitus,
> Must give us pause: there's the respect
> that make chastity of such long life:
> For who would bear these whips and chains of mine,
> The masochists thong, the prudish man's costumery,
> The spankings of despicable love, the lewd's delay,
> The impotence of officers, and the sperms
> that patient merit of the unworthy takes,
> when he himself might his quietus make
> with a bare body?  Who would fart-holes bare,
> To grunt and sweat under a weary wife,
> But that the dread of something on your breath,
> The heated lover's scent to which freshness
> No mouthwash returns, puzzles the will
> And makes us rather bear those ills we have
> Than fly to others that we know not of?
> Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
> And thus the native hue of resolution
> Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
> And enterprises of great pith and moment
> With this regard their currents turn awry,
> And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
> The fair Oracle. --Nymph, in thy oracularities
> Be all my sins remember'd.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}             I am Sir Oracle,
} And when I ope my lips let no dog bark!
} Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace
} Have no delight to pass away the time.
} Time's glory is to calm contending kings,
} To umask falsehood, and bring truth to light.
}
} Being a slave, what should you do but tend
} Upon the hours of your partner's desire?
} You have no precious time at all to spend,
} Nor services to do, till you're required.
}             Down, thou climbing sorrow!
} Thy element's below.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org