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Internet Oracularities #627

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627, 627-01, 627-02, 627-03, 627-04, 627-05, 627-06, 627-07, 627-08, 627-09, 627-10


Usenet Oracularities #627    (65 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:49:30 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   627
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

627   65 votes 8nn92 chib7 ejf89 9jid6 56hpc 2e8re 2brh8 cgpa2 1dtf7 bhccd
627   3.0 mean  2.6   2.8   2.7   2.8   3.5   3.6   3.3   2.6   3.2   3.0


627-01    (8nn92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, all powerful Oracle, whose toe nail clippings I am not worthy
> enough to grind onto my chicken pot pie:
>
> I suspect that Bill Gates of Microsoft is really a Lemur. Is this
> true? Does his wife know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lemurs are of the prosimian branches of the ape family (as opposed to
} the arthropoid branches, wherein reside humans).  The were so named
} because the appeared to the Romans to be the spirits of the unburied
} dead.  The are extremely territorial and possessive and spend the
} entire day eating and making haunting noises to warn off potential
} intruders/thieves.  As they walk, they urinate on their own paws so
} that their scent will be everywhere they have walked, thereby marking
} off their territories with widely recognized signs.
}
} It is sometimes difficult to tell what Bill Gates is...I presume he's
} some sort of ape.  He appears to the public to be some sort of
} demonic programmer.  He is extremely territorial and possessive and
} will sue anyone who "steals his programs."  As he codes, he marks
} every line he has typed with widely recognized copyright symbols.
}
} Hmmm.  Could be.


627-02    (chib7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, please tell me why the sky is blue.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We ran out of pistachio.


627-03    (ejf89 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Can you tell me if John Wayne Bobbit a.k.a. Stubby is doing
>        Okay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     He's hanging in there.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a Masculinity Sensitivity Training Course.


627-04    (9jid6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear almighty oracle
>       are dinosaurs still around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  But like other tenured faculty, they are rarely seen in the
} classroom anymore due to their lofty status and spend most of their
} time trying to get their massive tomes of drivel accepted for
} publication and making bucks on the side through outside consulting
} (Spielberg found this out and blackmailed them to make cameo
} appearances in _Jurassic_Park_).


627-05    (56hpc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why the stars do shine;
> Tell me why the ivy twines;
> Tell me why the sky's so blue,
> And I will tell you, just why I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has an irresistable charm. It harks back to a day when
} barter dominated the world market, often based upon trades of little
} value to the other.
}
} Since the Oracle is simply the mouthpiece of the net.gods, It doesn't
} really care why you love it. However, we can answer your question
} nonetheless.
}
} Nuclear Fusion makes the stars to shine
} Phototropism makes the ivy twine
} Raleigh Scattering makes the so blue
} Hormones make you say "I love you."
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of Isaac Asimov's books.


627-06    (2e8re dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do all words that rhyme have the same meaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If two words did mean the same
} Simply because they did rhyme
} Then Lisa would really be my name
} And robbery would be a lime
}
} A young man would want his date to miss,
} Wizards would wield magic flowers,
} You'd know a snake by his sis',
} And get wet in April towers.
}
} But words that rhyme mean different things,
} Which thus averts these curses;
} You owe the Oracle three ruby rings,
} To pay me for these verses.


627-07    (2brh8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My God! No! You didn't! We can't print that in a family Ocularity.
}
} Note to priests: please appropriately censor the question with which
} this answer is paired.
}
} Anyway, this little problem of yours, it's nobody's fault but your own.
} However, in my infinite wisdom, I am going to furnish you with an
} answer to your current predicament.
}
} This is what you must do:
} 1) Stuff the goose (as in taxidermy, not as in edible stuffing).
} 2) Tie it to the bottom of the bell-rope.
} 3) Find a friend with tinnitus. Convince him or her that their cure
}    lies in campanology.
} 4) Tie friend to goose.
} 5) Give a good hard pull on the bell-rope, making friend, goose, etc,
}    shoot up into the rafters.
} 6) Call the police (anonymously).
} 7) Run very fast.
}
} Your friend will then be arrested, and the circumstantial evidence that
} you left at the scene will point to him.
}
} You owe the Oracle: One of those photos you mentioned. How *did* you
} manage that?


627-08    (cgpa2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh nearly divine oracle, creature of legend, and all that:
>
> What is the difference between a chicken and a ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wise yet modest Oracle will illustrate this with a food parable.
} With a breakfast of ham and eggs, the chicken is involved, while the
} pig is committed.
} The Oracle suggests you stick with cold cereal, as it appears best for
} all concerned.


627-09    (1dtf7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, who not only knows how many angels can dance on the
> head of a pin, but has also derived a hypothetical expression relating
> angel-density to the composition of the pin-head.  Who's merest
> thoughts are more complex than Bolivia's air-defense system.  I beg of
> you to take pity on me, a poor ignorant supplicant who is in dire need
> of an answer.
> My question, oh seer of all, is this.
> How many chu...er.. Sorry.  Wrong page.
> Ah, here we are:
> My question, that is, my REAL question, is this:
>
> My girlfriend lives 4 hours away, yet alas; neither of us have cars.
> Public transportation, while available, grows costly.
> How may I spend more time with my love while at the same time not
> spending next term's tuition?
>
> I await your wisdom....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It seems to me that you have several options.  They are listed below,
} in no apparent order:
}
}  - The Romeo and Juliet option:  You both arrange a time when you will
}  both take lethal poison and die together.  Unfortunately, this hasn't
}  been proven to bring you closer together, and does have the side
}  effect of negating whatever life you may have had together.
}
}  - The Surrogate Lover option:  For a nominal fee, one of you can rent
}  someone to be there when the other can't.
}
}  - The Shirley McLaine option:  Learn to have out-of-body experiences
}  together.  Distances are of little concern on the astral plane and
}  you'll get a kick out of actually being able to merge.  Don't let that
}  silver cord break, though, whatever you do.
}
}  - Telepathy:  Tune in to each other's thoughts.  Does have the
}  drawback of letting the other person know everything and anything
}  you're thinking of at the moment, so if you don't want any
}  misunderstandings, sit in a darkened room and don't you dare think of
}  sexy models you've seen recently.
}
} Or you could do the more conventional things like writing passionate
} love letters everyday detailing just exactly how much you miss one
} another, or you could go into debt with AT&T talking on the phone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen long-stemmed roses and a box of chocolates.
} Nuts and chewies, none of those cream centers.


627-10    (bhccd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would you get if you crossed Geraldo with Lt. Worf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know, but I wouldn't try to hit him with a chair.
}
} You owe the Oracle my own talk show. The first episode will be:
}        Overly abrasive security officers and the
}        slutty ship's counselors who love them.
} The second guest will be Richard Simmons who will show us how to make a
} lovely cellular peptide cake.....with MINT frosting.


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