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Internet Oracularities #628

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Usenet Oracularities #628    (65 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:10:33 -0500

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   628
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

628   65 votes ibla5 8lob1 69iie 5jme5 5abmh behf8 55elk 6bln4 3fkj8 7edid
628   3.1 mean  2.6   2.6   3.4   2.9   3.6   2.9   3.7   3.1   3.2   3.2


628-01    (ibla5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle, tell me please, will Eddy the Eagle fly again in Lillehammer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if Tonya pushes him ...


628-02    (8lob1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> civil wrong punitive damages

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} EXECUTE ORACLE DECRYPTION PROGRAM
}
} BEGIN AI PARSE
}
} Parsing...
} Found token: civil
} Translating...
} Result: Cybil
} Definition: Proper name.
}
} Parsing...
} Found token: wrong
} Translating...
} Result: rang
} Definition: Past tense of ring.
}
} Parsing...
} Found token: punitive
} Translating...
} Result: pensive
} Definition: Contemplative, reflective, meditative.
}
} Parsing...
} Found token: damages
} Translating...
} Result: cabbages
} Definition: Leafy garden vegetable.
}
} Parsing...
} Found EOF
}
} END
}
} ANALYSIS:  Some spelling mistakes, but appropriate translation
}  achieved. Read input as: "Cybil rang pensive cabbages."
}
} EVALUATION: Sentence meaningless.  Can not be answered as question.
}
} SUGGESTION: Make better use of grammatical tools.
}
} END ORACLE DECRYPTION PROGRAM


628-03    (69iie dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and kind Oracle, tell me why the moon is made of green cheese,
> and how can I get some of it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do realize that the Moon was not always made of green cheese.  In
} fact, until quite recently it was made of rock.  What happened?
} Simple.
}
} Agricultural price supports.  You see, in order to keep the U. S. dairy
} industry healthy, the U. S. Federal government set up a system whereby
} it would buy any excess milk that dairy farmers produced and could not
} sell.  This began during the Great Depression, continued through WWII,
} and went on and on...
}
} Some of this milk was dehydrated, but the most practical way to store
} it proved to be to make it into a hard cheese.  It was an
} undersecretary of Agriculture who hit on the idea, and he suggested
} that the Feds kill two birds with one stone by using the excess herbs
} (mostly basil, oregano, and chives) bought through the herb price
} support program to flavor the cheese.  The result: a hard,
} herb-flavored cheese, tolerably palatable and capable of being stored
} for long periods.
}
} By the mid-1950s, the Feds had accumulated an incredible amount of this
} cheese.  Almost all of it was still edible; in fact, it aged
} beautifully, the herbal flavors mellowing, and cheese over twenty years
} old was usually a delicacy.  But what to do with it?  Selling it or
} giving it away was out of the question: one bureaucrat calculated that
} the huge stockpile contained enough protein to fill the needs of the
} entire planet for several years -- though, of course, not everybody
} likes cheese, and some people cannot tolerate dairy foods.
}
} By 1952, the U. S. had a practical nuclear-powered space rocket -- all
} very hush-hush, of course.  The solution seemed obvious once Wernher
} von Braun himself presented it to President Eisenhower in 1954: send
} the cheese to the Moon, and as the amount of cheese grew, remove parts
} of the Moon and send them into the Sun.  Through a crash program far
} surpassing the legendary Manhattan Project, a fleet of spaceships,
} designed to resemble the popular conception of flying saucers so that
} anyone seeing one would think it an alient craft, began making Lunar
} trips within the year.  Untold tons of green cheese were loaded aboard
} the atomic saucers and sent to the Moon, and as the cheese accumulated,
} fleets of earth-moving -- or rather Moomoving -- equipment were sent up
} as well, to bulldoze the Moon into chunks that could be sent hurtling
} off towards the Sun.
}
} Oh, it took work, and bribery, and swearings to secrecy.  Nobody but a
} few thousand incredibly loyal government employees knew about Project
} Cheddar, as it was called, and when in 1957 the Soviet Union launched
} its pitiful little Sputnik I, it was a sore trial to the men and women
} who were shipping untold tons of green cheese to the Moon, and scooping
} out untold tons of Moon rock and hurling it towards the Sun with
} solar-powered mass-drivers.  Thousands of scientists had to be bribed
} or silenced; many were replaced by surgicallaltered doubles --
} admittedly, a dark page in an otherwise glorious endeavour.
}
} You can see that the entire U. S. space program is a coverup.  Who
} would suspect that vast amounts of surplus cheese were being shipped
} into space, if all he saw were such pitiful efforts?  The Apollo moon
} landings took place on some of the few remaining patches of original
} moonrock -- just beyond camera range were great false moonscapes
} sculpted with care out of cheese.
}
} Anyhow, during the 1980s, the Moon's last sections of rock were
} entirely replaced with green cheese.  Why do you think that the
} government started giving away cheese then?  Note that the altered Moon
} has about the same mass as the old, because the cheese dehydrated in
} vacuum and compacted to rocky hardness and density under its own weight
} -- hence there's been little change in the Lunar tides here on Earth.
}
} The documents pertaining to all this are so secret that you'll never
} see them under the Freedom of Information Act, so don't even try.  The
} old nuclear-powered saucers are now considered unsafe, and are buried
} under the Nevada desert in one of those secret areas of government
} land.  The Oracle can't think of how you can get any of that green
} cheese -- perhaps the senior Senator from Wisconsin would let you have
} some of his private stockpile of the "vintage" 1935, but it's not
} likely.  All the excess milk nowadays gets made into the sort of yucky
} bland gluey cheese they gave away in the Eighties, and dairy-price
} support programs are being phased out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twenty-pound wheel of five-year-old Canadian raw
} milk cheddar, and none of that lousy Black Diamond crap, understand?


628-04    (5jme5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: The Usenet Oracle
> Subject: Yes, I am
> Key Words: I shall obey
>
>       Oh most powerful deity, whose control over me is unending, what
> are your wishes for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: The Usenet Oracle
} Subject: No, you're not
} Key Words: You damn well better
}
} I wish for you to dedicate your life to the betterment of mankind.
} I wish for you to be nice to one stranger, every day of your life.
} I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills.
} I wish for you to give what you can to charity.
} I wish for you to spend more time with your wife and kids.
} I wish for you to be grateful for what you have.
} I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills.
} I wish for you to realize that others are not as lucky as you.
} I wish for you to do good deeds with no thought of reward.
} I wish for you to not use leaded gasoline.
} I wish for you to avoid styrofoam cups.
} I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills.
} I wish for you to convert to natural gas from oil.
} I wish for you to turn the lights out before you leave.
} I wish for you to not leave your car idling for more than 3 minutes.
} I wish for you to flush the toilet and put the seat & cover down.
} I wish for you to mail me $3000 in small unmarked bills.
} I wish for you to think for yourself and ask better questions.
}
} You owe the oracle any of the above.


628-05    (5abmh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle:
>
> Who plays a better game of Double Fanucci than Forburn the Wily; who
> graduated Summa Cum Laude from George Underwood Edwards Institute of
> Technology; who has GIRGOL firmly enscribed in his spellbook; who
> mines black holes with the greatest of ease; who knows which
> subsidiaries of Frobozzco International will make money; who can get
> Fillmore Fiduciary to acknowledge his change-of-address; co-inventor
> of the Ultramarine Bioceptor; whom Floyd would never disobey, no, not
> ever; who could have warned Marshall Robner if he wanted to; who never
> smells of old socks or burning rubber; longtime friend of Buddy and
> Hildegarde Burbank; adored by sponge-cats everywhere; who slavers with
> only the best of Grue; who speaks perfect Frobnian; and who could even
> fix Fred:
>
> I am in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   > n
}   You are in a twist of mazy passages, all different.
}   > s
}   You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
}   > n
}   You are in a twist of mazy passages, all different.
}   > s
}   You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
}   > n
}   You are in a twist of mazy passages, all different.
}   > s
}   You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
}   > n
}   Your oscillations have built up a powerful periodic thaumatic
}   resonance.  The walls collapse.
}   There is a horrible little dwarf here.
}   > summon crowther
}   Will Crowther appears!
}   > summon woods
}   Don Woods appears!
}   > conversation
}   Conversation mode set.
}  C] Do you two realize what you've done?  Do you realize that a thousand
}   ] years after you die, computer geeks are going to be mumbling to each
}   ] other about fierce green snakes and twisty little passages?
}   ] -o-
}   Will Crowther says, "I wish I were exploring Mammoth."
}   Don Woods says, "I miss TOPS-10."
}  C] exit conversation
}   Action mode set.
}   There is a horrible little dwarf here.  Will Crowther is here.  Don
}   Woods is here.
}   > quit
}   Adventure will never die.
}   > quit
}   Adventure will never die.
}   > ^Z
} Stopped
} <mango> 126 ~% kill %1
} Adventure will never die.
} <mango> 127 ~% kill %1
} Adventure will never die.
} <mango> 128 ~% kill -9 %1
} Adventure will never die.
} <mango> 129 ~% su -
} Password:
} <mango> 51 /# /usr/ucb/shutdown -r +5
} Shutdown aborted.
} Adventure will never die.
} <mango> 52 /# init 0
} init: cannot change to state 0
} Adventure will never die.
} <mango> 53 /# wall
} Gang, mango is in the grips of a runaway advent process.  I'm going to
} go downstairs and yank the plug.  Please save your work and log out.
}
}                               * * *
}
} UNIX(r) System V Release 4.0 (mango)
}
} login: root
} <mango> 51 /# mail mango-all
} Subject: New system administrator for mango.
}
}    Hi.  My name is Cathy Bletherflope.  As I'm sure you all heard, Dr.
} Basilisk passed away in a freak accident two days ago . . .


628-06    (behf8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great, Wise, Witty, Oracle, for whom there are no conundrums. . .
>
> Two Abyssinians walk into a bar. One Abyssinian is the father of the
> other Abyssinian's son.
>
> How are they related?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as two entities in space, where both entities posess a
} certain amount of mass, they are are attracted to each other
} by gravity. Assuming the bar is situated on another entity
} (let's call it The Earth) this relation is neglectable.
}
} By the fact that they have a common son (from now on referred to
} as "entity-link A", one might assume that the entity-link A is a
} product of injection of seminal substances obtained from the entity
} referred to as "One Abyssinian" (from now on referred to as "entity
} A"), into the entity referred to as "the other Abyssinian" (from
} now on referred to as "entity B").
}
} By the fact that they are walking into a bar, it could be assumed
} that entities A and B are creatures of the species Homo Sapiens,
} looking at the address of the questioner, this entity (from now on
} referred to as "entity C"), is probably a creature of the same species.
}
} These assumptions indicate that the question could be loaded with
} implied facts, as the relations of Homo Sapiens are very complicated.
} I therefore would not like to give a definite answer to the question
} but instead supply you with some hypotheses, which you owe the Oracle
} to investigate in order to find the one most probable.
}
} 6. Entity A is male, and related by sexual intercourse to entity B,
}    which is female. The relation has produced entity-link A.
} 5. Entity A is male and has together with entity B, also male,
}    adopted entity-link A.
} 4. Entity A is male and has sold seminal substance to an unknown
}    entity, which in turn injected this into entity B, producing
}    entity-link A. A and B are not related at all.
} 3. Entity A is married to entity C, which have had sexual intercourse
}    with entity B, producing entity-link A. Entity A and B are male,
}    and related as best friends.
} 2. Entity B is male, entity A is female, and entity C is confused over
}    the genders of parents.
}
} and
}
} 1. Entity A, B and C are drunk, not able of walking, writing questions,
}    breeding, or keeping track of relations. Entity D (The bar) is a
}    singles bar. Entities E and F are huge, attached to entity G
}    and much admired by entity C, who by telling this story, wants to
}    make entity G discard entity A and B, join entity C and produce
}    entity-link B.


628-07    (55elk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Oracle, I've got a confusing problem I hope you can help me with.
> (Just a minute while I take off my shoes... There, that's better.)
> You see, I grew up in a nudist colony, and I just don't understand how
> people can do anything with these scratchy, uncomfortable clothes on.
> (Just a minute while I take off this shirt... Ahh, much better.)
> Whenever I take a test, I just can't concentrate because of the
> discomfort, but the proctors won't let me get comfortable.
> (Just a minute while I take off these pants... Much, much better.)
> And now, all the people in the terminal room are staring at me. So
> this brings me to my question: What is the matter with them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's wrong with them?  They're unAmerican!  Yes!  They're breaking
} Constitutional law!
}
} The best way to end-run this problem is to demonstrate that your right
} to walk around naked is guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.  [If you
} were writing from England, you'd be hosed.]  May I suggest:
}
} FIRST AMENDMENT: Tattoo "Helms Sucks" on your chest.  Claim that being
} forced to wear clothing is now a restriction of free speech.
}
} SECOND AMENDMENT: Claim that your schvanstucke constitutes armament,
} and this is how you choose to keep and bear it.
}
} THIRD AMENDMENT: Claim to be married to soldier, and you have given
} your consent for her to be quartered in your house.  However, you are
} homeless, so the only `house' you have is your clothing-- and she's
} using it right now.
}
} FOURTH AMENDMENT: Batting your eyelashes, preen a little and insinuate
} something about being unreasonably searched and seized.  Play it for
} laughs.
}
} FIFTH AMENDMENT: Claim that you've already been tried on charges of
} public indecency, and thus can't be tried again; besides, the use of
} your own state of undress in the process of filling out the police
} complaint constitutes being forced to testify against yourself.
}
} SIXTH AMENDMENT: Remind your persecutor of your right to a public
} trial.  Putting a naked person on the witness stand of a public trial
} merely exacerbates the problem they're trying to avoid.
}
} SEVENTH AMENDMENT: Bat eyelashes and preen as above; ask your
} oppressor if it's worth twenty dollars or more, and then insist on a
} jury.  [Do NOT try this if you think the question could honestly be
} answered in the negative.]
}
} EIGHTH AMENDMENT: Demonstrate how painful it is for you to wear
} clothing; claim that being forced to do so constitutes a cruel and
} unusual punishment.
}
} NINTH AMENDMENT: Let's quote this one in full:
}
}   Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights,
}   shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the
}   people.
}
} If the eight arguments above FAIL to convince your persecutors, they
} have clearly taken the stand that being naked is not guaranteed by any
} of the first eight amendments.  Then you whip THIS one out, saying,
} "Okay, being naked is not guaranteed by the first eight.  But I retain
} the right to be naked, which you cannot deny or disparage, by the
} NINTH Amendment!"
}
} They will be Confused.  Make good your escape.
}
} TENTH AMENDMENT: Another one to quote:
}
}   Amendment X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the
}   Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the
}   States respectively, or to the people.
}
} Defy your tormentors to find the word "Naked" in the Constitution.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to STOP thinking like a $#&?!ing lawyer.


628-08    (6bln4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where can I find and get the manual of ORACLE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must warn you that what you seek is not easily had.  Only the very
} brave or the very foolish would attempt the quest.
}
} First you must seek out the golden sword of Taarnak the beast.  Only
} armed with this, the mightiest of weapons, can you brave the dangers
} of the underground maze of Khaaron.  When at the deepest point in the
} maze, you will find a small altar with four candles.  You must pray
} for guidance for if you light the candles in the wrong order, you will
} be cast into the deepest pits of hell, there to rot in pits of molten
} fire, eternally tormented.
}
} Having lit the candles, you should find yourself transported to a
} featureless plain, bare in all directions.  This is the land of
} Yrrnhh, ruled over by the evil hunter-baron Xirtlu.  If he finds you,
} he will lose his ur-wolves on you for sport and will laugh as they
} tear the flesh from your bones.
}
} Cross the plain of Yrrnhh, keeping the sun always to your back until
} you reach a mighty river where a ferry tended by a one-legged man
} named Xuph will allow you cross only if you can defeat him in unarmed
} combat.
}
} On the other side of the river you will find the black cliffs of Ynos.
} The only way is up and the only method is to climb, hand over hand,
} until you reach the top.  Beware the faceless harpies who fly around
} the cliffs at dusk; they will tear at your face and back, attempting to
} dislodge you.
}
} When you reach the top of the cliff, you should behold a huge mansion
} behind an enormous gate.  The gatekeeper will ask you three questions.
} If you answer correctly, you will be allowed to pass.  If not, you
} will be thrown from the cliffs and the harpies will pick the flesh from
} your corpse.
}
} Once inside the gate, follow the path around the mansion to the left
} until you reach a large garden.  In the centre of the garden, you will
} find a man working quietly.
}
} This is Manuel, the Oracle's gardener.  Try not to keep him busy too
} long.  He costs me a fortune.
}
} You owe the Oracle the reading-glasses of Ptarrsssossss.


628-09    (3fkj8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me how a bureaucracy
> reproduces.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The mating patterns of bureaucracies are facinating.  First, the
} large male bureaucracy attempts to attract the attention of the female
} bureaucracy by holding public hearings.  Then they both create special
} sub-committees on reporduction to do feasibility studies.  After
} several months, if all is favorable, a joint committee on reproduction
} is established between the two bureaucracies.  Soon there is the
} seminal exchange of paperwork, and a few years later, the tiny new
} bureaucracy is born, and begins to follow the path of its parents by
} trying to devote all of its energies to sustaining and enlarging
} itself.  Such is the miracle of birth.


628-10    (7edid dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most incredible edible oracle...
>
> How can I get a good-looking babe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Breed with a good looking woman, and hope that looks are genetically
} dominant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pea.


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