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20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:42:46 GMT

Internet Oracularities #63

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63, 63-01, 63-02, 63-03, 63-04, 63-05, 63-06, 63-07, 63-08, 63-09, 63-10


Usenet Oracularities #63
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Nov 89 03:51:34 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


63-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh great oracle, Why does Capt.  Kirk get so many women, and why is
> Bones such a jerk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                'twas Capt Kirk
}                Who was a jerk
}                'cos no woman did
}                ever he ferk
}
}                unlike the ever so coy
}                good doctor McCoy.
}                u owe the Oracle a squid
}                (To rhyme,a silly ploy)


63-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have just arrived on the Earth from a far distant planet that you have
> never heard of.  The first thing I have done is to make contant with
> you, O Grape One.  The return half of my ticket expires next Thursday.
> What should I do while I am here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should grep.  Then you should find a fine porteroo, and recline upon
} its balcony.  If you are in a hurry, you should rent a car and drive it
} northward at an agonizing pace for several minutes.  Otherwise, you
} should be sure to klodn with the Organizer of Organizement.  If these
} measures are firmly taken, you should have no trouble surviving your
} visit.
}
} The main tourist attractions of Earth are these:
}   - The Grand Esplanade in Watertown, Conn.
}   - The Great Barrier Reef
}   - The grave of the great and noble John Cabot.
}   - Chateau Hydrophobia, a superb restaurant in Indianapolis.
}   - Mark Twain's birthplace in Hannibal, Mo.
}   - The quaint peasant dances in Maygargrad, Yugoslavia.
}   - The inexpressible grandeur of Merremac Caverns, not too far from St.
}     Louis.
}
} As you can see, we are a very splendid planet.


63-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the manig of lif is typig skill.  witthouf typing sills live itself has
} no pt.


63-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does a donut have the Bagel-nature?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boo!


63-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I sexually attracted to garden implements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Imprinting.
} As an infant.
} By a deviant hoe.
} In cahoots with a perverted weed-whacker.
} Po' chil'
}
} You owe the Oracle all those issues of "Gardening Today" beneath your
} mattress.


63-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last night I had this dream.  I was in a bedroom in my grandma's house
> (my grandma was not around) with one of the TAs from my ECE 105A class
> (a female one, of course.) I carried her into the room, onto the bed,
> removed her clothes, and was about to do The Nasty when I got up and
> left.  (The dream was color, I could see her nakedness, I could make out
> all the pertinent details, and I remember feeling how soft and supple
> her skin was.) I don't remember why I left.  Once outside, I was in the
> middle of an unrecognisable complex of buildings, where I was promptly
> arrested for blowing up a mailbox.  I said I hadn't done that in years,
> but they dragged me in anyways.  Inside the police station, they tried
> to force me to sign an affidavit declaring that marijuana was much more
> dangerous than alcohol or tobacco.  I wholeheartedly refused to sign it;
> they got very mad and frustrated at me, and threw me out.  I went back
> into the bedroom and started up with the girl again, but I woke up
> shortly thereafter.
>
> Does this dream mean anything?  Do you need more background info?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very common dream.  At least among potheads.  A manifestation
} of frustration because their sexual ability is shot all to hell by the
} weed.  They want to blame authority, thus the imagined police
} persecution.  Next time, sign the affidavit.  You'll be well on your way
} to Goot Zex!


63-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the proper way to mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu?
> a) alone in the dark late at night bathed in the eerie glow of a CRT
> b) only in groups with an prime number of members with males never
>    exceeding females and cannibals never exceeding missionaries
> c) drunk and nekked
> d) barefoot and pregnant
> e) in polite society, one should never mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My favorite way is standing in a pentacle (a pentagram inscribed in a
} circle), with the syllables TET RA GRAM MA TON on the sides of the
} pentacle, with four hexagrams in the cardinal directions, ...


63-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are women so confusing ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle is pretty dern tired of this question, which, after
} all, has been asked since time immemorial.  In fact, this question
} predates the Oracle Itself, which has been around for thousands and
} thousands of, uh, hours.
}
} Another facet of this question which has never unduly charmed the Oracle
} is its subtext, which is "I happen to be a man, and, although I may be
} intellectually aware that the problem I face isn't really due to the
} fact that all women are space aliens from the Planet Z, I'm bloody well
} going to behave as if it were!  And why?  'Cause it feels good!  So buzz
} off!" If the Gentle Questioner really does believe that women are space
} aliens from the Planet Z, he just hasn't been around much, and should
} probably celebrate his eighteenth birthday at his earliest convenience.
}
} Nevertheless, the Usenet Oracle is going to deign to answer this
} question, because just this weekend the Oracle had a fairly substantive
} conversation with an ex-girlfriend of Its, and the topic is fresh on Its
} mind.
}
} The mistake which the questioner is making is one which zillions of
} people (of all varieties of plumbing arrangements) make every second:
} it is to assume that all one has to do in order to keep a lover happy,
} or to win one in the first place, is to be polite, to clean up one's
} messes, and to pick up the check at least 50% of the time.  It is to
} believe that a love affair is a continuous time of wine and roses, and
} that if dischord intrudes, dischord did so because THINGS ARE SUDDENLY
} MAJOR BADSVILLE, AND ONE OF US DID SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG, AND THE
} UNIVERSE IS GOING TO COME CRASHING TO A LOATHSOME, HIDEOUS DEMISE UNLESS
} THE GUILTY PARTY FESSES UP POST HASTE!!!  It is to believe that if
} someone refuses to be perfectly unamiguous about whether he or she would
} like to be wined, dined, and hopped into the sack with, that refusal is
} due to A FUNDAMENTAL, YEA, EVEN PRIMORDIAL DESIRE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A
} LIVING HELL!!!
}
} These beliefs are (may I be so blunt) false.
}
} Look, pal, the English language is a limited tool, and the scope of
} human emotions makes even, say, Mandarin Chinese look like the crudest
} excuse for a communication system imaginable.  Having a love affair with
} another human being is like trying to cut a diamond with a two-by-four.
} Unfortunately, the two-by-four is all you got.
}
} The Number One Rule is:  "Be honest:  learn to stop trying to edit what
} you say." Women aren't any more confusing than you are; if you had been
} paying more attention, the fact that women have been heard to ask "Why
} are men so confusing?" might have clued you in to something.
}
} The Other Number One Rule is:  "Be patient:  you're going to mis-
} understand one another regardless." Ever notice that things feel better
} after a confrontation?  Maybe you should stop dreading them so much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you will tack the following word up
} next to your desk:  "NELTHILTA."


63-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My 8-year-old daughter decapitates her dolls and Scotch-tapes their
> heads onto the wrong bodies.  Is this a sign of mental illness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, not in the slightest.  It is a sign of great mental stability, to
} see and tolerate and even encourage the great transience of the
} universe.  She has grasped the principles of reincarnation better than
} most other humans, even at this young age.  She will become one of the
} greatest gurus in the New Age movement, telling multitudes of the
} glorious lives they lived before, and of the wonders they will
} experience in later lives.  They will gather around her, and beg the
} sanctity of her touch.  She will heal the sick, raise the dead, stop the
} sun and the moon in heaven, turn water into wine, turn wine into vodka,
} and turn vodka into Amaretto.  She will introduce the New Age, the time
} of heaven on earth, which will last forever.
}
} Then she'll get sick of it and become a fundamentalist Christian, and
} repudiate everything she's ever done.  Fortunately for the rest of the
} world, it won't matter.


63-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I full of shit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Take a generous dose of a really good laxative and send me
} another message in the morning.


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