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Internet Oracularities #630

Goto:
630, 630-01, 630-02, 630-03, 630-04, 630-05, 630-06, 630-07, 630-08, 630-09, 630-10


Usenet Oracularities #630    (61 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 1994 08:44:58 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   630
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

630   61 votes a7gcg 7jp82 akk65 3ahn8 bdkf2 6cu76 bhm83 eela2 bjec5 9ake8
630   2.8 mean  3.3   2.7   2.6   3.4   2.7   2.9   2.6   2.5   2.7   3.0


630-01    (a7gcg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1+1

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SYNTAX ERROR
} > 1 + 1
} PARSE ERROR
} > 1 1 +
} SEMANTIC ERROR
} > help
} INTENT ERROR
} > ?
} GRAMMAR ERROR
} > quit
} SATISFACTION ERROR
} > ^C
} UNPROVOKED ASSAULT ERROR
} > ^D
} VOID ERROR
} > ^\
} SEGMENTATION ERROR
} > ^\
} SEGMENTATION ERROR
} > exit
} EGRESS ERROR
} > done
} COOKING ERROR
} > shutdown
} OPEN FILES ERROR
} > close files
} CLOSED FILES ERROR
} > shutdown
} CLOSED FILES ERROR
} > open files
} UNOPENABLE FILES ERROR
} > stop
} NAME OF THE LAW ERROR
} > halt
} TURING ERROR
} > finished
} RAW WOOD ERROR
} > complete
} BUFFOON ERROR
} > :q!
} WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM VI ERROR
} > ^X^C
} I CANNOT BE EMULATED BY EMACS ERROR
} > sod off
} DON'T SWEAR AT ME YOU LIMEY BASTARD ERROR
}                               * * *
}
} "IBM Tech Support, may I help you?"


630-02    (7jp82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Good Oracle, greatest and best of all Oracles, Oracle of all
> those that are good and great, and of Greatness and Goodness the most
> Oracular arbiter:
>
> Why are so many of the Oracularities these days just plain unfunny?
> Have your priests contracted some dreadful disease? Is it something to
> do with w**dchucks? Is something on your mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your query has been duly noted.  We, too, are troubled by the current
} non-humorous state of affairs.  We believe that through further effort,
} we can raise the quality of our humor to the standards that you had
} once come to expect.
}
} Your co-operation in this endeavor would be much appreciated.
} Please take the time to fill out the following form, so that we may
} know how to better serve you.
}
}                     Strongly Agree | Agree | Disagree | Strongly
} Disagree I believe the quality
} of the Oracularities
} has decreased.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} I feel that the humor
} content of the Oracularities
} is hindered by:
}
} a) Overuse of bad puns
}
} b) Campyness
}
} c) Dreadful diseases
}
} d) Excessive repetition
}    of questions
}
} e) Woodchucks
}
} f) Too many in-jokes
}
} g) An overtly stiff,
}    formal attitude
}
} h) Excessive repetition
}    of questions
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} I believe that the Oracularities can be made funnier by:
}
} a) Topicality
}
} b) Originality
}
} c) An altering of
}    groveling habits
}
} d) Full frontal nudity
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} I believe that the
} Oracle's fees are
} too high
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} I had Fruity Pebbles
} for breakfast
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} Additional comments:
}
}
}
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Thank you very much for filling out this form.  The time you have
} contributed will be instrumental in improving the quality of the
} Oracularities.
}
} The Oracle would greatly appreciate the contribution of a banana split
} made with a rutabaga instead of a banana.
}
} Have a nice day.


630-03    (akk65 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all-knowing Oracle, please tell me why I feel somehow
> compelled to shave my butt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
}     Let's play a little game, shall we?
}
}     1) Stand up.
}
}     2) Put a pickle in your mouth (dill or sweet, it doesn't matter).
}
}     3) Next, slap a bumper sticker on your butt.
}
}     4) Now, which is closer to the ceiling, the pickle or the bumper
}        sticker?
}
}     If you said "the bumper sticker" (which you probably did), then you
} have been shaving your *face* and not what you believe to be your butt.
}
} ** You owe The Oracle a can of Burma Shave.


630-04    (3ahn8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arf woof Oracle, bark woof woof yowl woof bark bark:
>
>    Arf arf arf woof woof woof woof bark woof woof bark bark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is it, Lassie? Is Timmy in trouble? What's the matter
} with him? What is it, girl? He got his _WHAT_ stuck in the
} milking machine??? Ahem, we interrupt this program for a
} station break.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seven course meal - without dairy products.


630-05    (bdkf2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who is properly structured:
>
> Why does the COBOL language still exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How are COBOLs supposed to communicate, in English I suppose? Sheesh
} you Americans are sooo ethnocentric.
}
} 'klaack spoor'cha! ( COBOL slang for "eat my shorts, yankee" )
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation of the COBOL national anthem, minus
} the obscenities. They *do* tend to be a bit crass.


630-06    (6cu76 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the chemical composition of SPAM????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pathetic. Not only do you have no manners at all (Where's my
} goddamn grovel?) but you can't even grasp the most obvious of
} universal fundamentals.
}
} Spam doesn't have a chemical composition. It's the other way
} around!  EVERYTHING in the universe is made from SPAM! The
} question you should have asked is "What is the spam composition
} of chemicals.  I suggest you get yourself a few books and do
} some serious reading. Here's a few you might find informative:
}
} A Brief History of Spam,                    S. Hawkins
}
} Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Spam Can,   D. Hofstadter
}
} Surely You're Spamming Mr. Feynman?,        R. Feynman
}
} Spam Tools,                                 R. Rucker
}
} Asimov's New Guide to Spam,                 I. Asimov
}
} You owe the Oracle, a 20 page article on the relationship of
} Spam particles to the strong nuclear force.


630-07    (bhm83 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge spans the Multiverse like
> Rachmaninov's fingers spanned one and a half octaves on the piano,
> please turn the laser beam of your wisdom to the butter pat that is my
> question.  Why has one of my work colleagues become very attached to a
> rubber dinosaur on a metal 'stick' thingy.  He always takes it around
> with him, pokes people with it, and keeps finding it, no matter where
> it's hidden.  What is the attraction that this strange device has over
> him ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh-oh, seems that the Internet has mixed up my answers.
}
} The dinosaur-on-a-stick thing I sent to a caveman asking
} for a totem. Seems like your friend got it instead.
} I wonder what the caveman got in answer to the question
} about how to make a better impression at work?


630-08    (eela2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry -- line noise.  Anyway, as I was saying, it's clear that Fermat's
} Last Theorem has been proved.  See above.
}
} You owe the Oracle fame among mathematicians.


630-09    (bjec5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty oracle. Why is it that in the original movie "Godzilla"
> godzilla is 400 feet tall, and in "King Kong" kong is 50 ft tall, But
> in the movies : "Godzilla vs. king Kong " (Both the american and
> japanese movies), Kong and Godzilla are the same height?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Flintstones Vitamins.


630-10    (9ake8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, oh mighty and overwhelming Oracle, oh why can't the lowly acc
> find the darned ___main when it's right there in crt0.o?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The acc uses the gnidirder.hood utility with the basket process
} (inputs are w1ne and brea.0) which looks into the __map in the
} li6.rary for the 67dir.x reference to the __path in the for.e5t
} leading to the c0tt.age where __amdnarg points to the __main.
}
} You probably have the w0.lf parameter in the c0tt.age instead
} of in the for.e5t, also, be sure that _amdnarg is not in the w0.lf.
}
}                /O


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