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Internet Oracularities #631

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631, 631-01, 631-02, 631-03, 631-04, 631-05, 631-06, 631-07, 631-08, 631-09, 631-10


Usenet Oracularities #631    (67 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 1994 08:44:05 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   631
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

631   67 votes 8ghh9 dii99 3noc5 cd7nc cmi78 5cpi7 0aoje 4bpha 2ait8 agie9
631   3.1 mean  3.0   2.7   2.9   3.1   2.7   3.1   3.6   3.3   3.5   2.9


631-01    (8ghh9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows just how to have fun,
>
> What's the best way to let a professor know that he's boring
> you to tears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do any or all of the following:
}
} THE GREAT ORACLE TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS TO DO TO LET YOUR PROFESSOR
} KNOW HE'S BORING YOU TO TEARS(TM)
}
} 10.  Pretend you have tourette's syndrome!  Be as vulgar and as loud as
} you can.  Jerk lots, too.  Whoops are okay, but screaming vulgarities
} and blaming it on the problem is more pruductive, and your prof is less
} likely to ignore you.
}
} 9.  Play Pick-up-stix(tm) on the floor.  Swear real loud whenever you
} touch one of the other stix.
}
} 8.  When (s)he's stopped speaking for a while to write a long
} formula/paragraph on the board/overhead, say loudly, "Ehhhhhhh,
} shaddup!" in your best Bugs Bunny voice.
}
} 7.  If there's ever a time where the prof takes questions, raise your
} hand as stealthily as you can.  When the prof wraps it up without
} answering your "question", storm out of the room muttering, "I tell ya,
} I get no respect!"
}
} 6.  Pretend you've got a laptop in your briefcase, and "play" a
} computer game.  A joystick is extra helpful here.
}
} 5.  Send a note to the dumb blonde from Texas, saying "turn over" on
} both sides.  It won't do anything productive, but it'll make the time
} go faster, and maybe she'll be impressed by your cleverness after you
} explain it to her, and you'll have a hot date!
}
} 4.  Listen to 1812 Overture REALLY loud on your walkman, loud enough so
} many people can hear it, but bang your head real fast and grimace as if
} it was Slayer you were listening to.
}
}       Variation: Bang your head and grimace, etc. while you don't even
}                  have a walkman.
}
} 3.  Start the wave.
}
} 2.  Yell, "YOU SUCK, LETTERMAN, YOU REALLY SUCK!!"
}
} 1.  CRY!!!
}
} You owe it to yourself to try at least two of these.


631-02    (dii99 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     >O Oracle, tell me if I'll get Renee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you stop putting Descartes before da horse.


631-03    (3noc5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Perceptive, Pleasant, Perfect, Pernicious, Platitudinous, Pensive,
>   Pugnacious, Proactive, Pitiless, Prideful, Pugilanimous, Plaintive,
>   Prompt, Punitive, Purring, Pointed, Proper, Petite, Prancing,
>   Perambulatory, Peripatetic, Pathetic, Poxed, Preening, Prominent,
>   Portly, Pining, Pierced, Pontificating, Promiscuous, Prolific
> Oracle, prithee tell me:
>
>       Why do my employees play with their PC's all day instead of
>       doing their work!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm ... I hate to be the one to break this to you, supplicant, but
} I'm afraid that your employees are under a curse.  One of your
} competitors, jealous of your success in business, hired a witch to
} place a curse upon all who work for you, causing them to believe that
} they are engineers, and therefore above such concerns as timeclocks and
} deadlines.  They will continue to piddle away their time on their games
} and newsreaders until the curse is broken.
}
} However, since I am a very obliging Oracle (and since I do own some
} stock in your company), I will tell you how to break the curse.  Simply
} purchase a large box of doughnuts (get jellies ... engineers can't
} resist jellies!) and recite the following spell over it, while waving a
} 3.5-inch disk over your head:
}
} Protocol, Clifford Stoll,
} This curse thing is getting old.
} Modem links, Power sinks,
} Our office productivity stinks.
} X-addresses, Peeks and pokes,
} Turn my geeks to working folks!
}
} Then leave the box in the break room and yell "DOUGHNUTS!".  Your
} office will be back to normal in no time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a maple bar.  One of the ones with custard in it.


631-04    (cd7nc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the highest pyramid in the world ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amway.


631-05    (cmi78 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh master Oracle,
>
> Can you show me the way to San Jose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  Start at the High School of Social Pariahdom.  Avoiding
} Senior Prom Swamp, proceed to Big City University.  Tarry in the Gorge
} of Hopeless Drunks for as long as your liver can take it, but beware
} the Butt-Headed Goons With Tenure and their enslaved Bitter
} Late-Twenties Graduate Zombies.
}
} You must seize the Sheepskin of Dubious Merit; it may take four to
} eight years.  You may participate in the traditional Flabby Copulation
} Despite Drunken Nausea if you like; even a grotesque sexual experience
} is better than remaining a virgin all your life.  [It is? -ed.]
}
} When the Sheepskin of Dubious Merit is within your grasp, the Oozing
} Recruiters of the Incontinent Lying Traps will smile upon you and spin
} many pretty tales of Industry.  Wait until one appears from San Jose.
} He will take you the rest of the way.  Remember, though, that there is
} no going back.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of Dunhills, an outfit all of black, and a
} lifetime subscription to _Processed World_.


631-06    (5cpi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is a dog too big to be called a puppy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dog breeds vary a lot, so there are no hard and fast rules, but here
} are a few pointers:
}
} If the cat has to get on it's back legs to cut the dog's nose to
} ribbons;
}
} If you can't pass a Korean restaurant without attracting admiring
} glances;
}
} If the back lawn is invisible under the piles of steaming excrement;
}
} If it won't fit in the microwave to dry off;
}
} If it can smoke a whole pack of Marlboro without coughing when
} inhaling;
}
} If it attempts to sodomise your leg and gets far enough up too get you
} aroused;
}
} Then it's time to dump it on the freeway and get a kitten instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Chihuahua on a stick and a pooper scooper.


631-07    (0aoje dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle please tell me why I like to work on my computer so late in
> the night.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, certainly I will. To be quite honest, this is possibly the most
} interesting question I've had all year. And it all goes back to the
} days when mankind spent most of its time hanging in trees saying 'ook'.
}
} At about the time Homo Erectus first walked the Earth, mankind split
} into two distinct groups. On the one hand there was the standard
} hunter-killer type man, who spent his days hunting and killing. Hence
} the name. This was the dominant half of the species. However, there was
} also the thinking man. These would sit on the ground, write complex
} equations in the sand with a stick, eat handfuls of raw coffee beans,
} write hand-optimised code for texture mapping, and then get hunted and
} killed by the hunter-killer man.
}
} This section of mankind was driven almost to extinction, because as you
} know, when you're looking for a bug in a particularly tricky section of
} code, you just don't notice a large drooling guy coming up behind you
} and pounding you over the head with a wooly mammoth's thighbone.
} However, those few that survived decided they would have to find some
} better way of arranging things, so they could stay alive.
}
} And this they did. They discovered that by eating sufficient raw coffee
} beans, they could remain alert all night, and do their work by the
} light of the moon. This tradition was known as the 'all-nighter'. And
} so by day they could keep watch for hunter-killer men, but by night
} they could work.
}
} Programmers evolved from these thinking men, and the rest of mankind
} from the hunter-killers. Occasionally you will find a pure-breed
} programmer, although these are becoming more and more rare. These are
} the people who sit up all night, overdosing on caffeine and working at
} their computers. It sounds like you are one of this rare breed.
} Congratulations.
}
} You owe the Oracle six sacks of raw coffee beans.


631-08    (4bpha dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is she thinking of me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She multitasks.  Currently, she's thinking of moving to Pittsburgh, the
} way her grandmother's cucumber curry tasted, justice and its practical
} pratfalls online, where the missing socks go to, you, the source of
} true wisdom, how to deal with Jehovah's Witnesses, and the lyrics to
} "Blinded By The Light" by Manfred Mann.  She's also folding junk mail
} into paper airplanes.
}
} The good news is, yes, she's thinking of you.
} The bad news is, she's a bit distracted at the moment.
}
} You owe the Oracle three pints of chocolate soy-milk.


631-09    (2ait8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    |   | X
> ---|---|---
>    | X |
> ---|---|---
>  O |   |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} from "Wheelbarrows of the Gods," by Erik von Dankeschoen (Cucamonga,
} 1974), pp. 183-84:
}
}     ...further evidence for Alien cultural transmission is provided by
}     the Great Tictactoe Glyph in the Kalahari Desert, discovered by the
}     1927 Glueck expedition (Glueck 1929a). Charcoal from buried
}     campsites evidently associated with the site was 14C-dated to 850-
}     920 cal AD, which coincides well with the manuscript evidence of
}     the 10th-century importation of Tic-Tac-Toe into the Islamic world
}     by Arab traders who had learned the game along the West African
}     coast.
}
}     Accelerator mass spectrometry dating of items from individual
}     squares revealed the drama of the intersteller match. The first
}     "X" was placed by Kalahari bushmen in the center square. The "O"
}     was formed some twenty years later, forming an absolutely perfect
}     circle 10.234 m in diameter, of stones formed from a tungsten-
}     carbide alloy of extraterrestrial origin. Immediately thereafter
}     the Bushmen placed the second "X" in the northeast corner.
}
}     We can only speculate that in the intervening millenium, our
}     heavenly Visitors have devoted the full resources of their
}     super-human technology to discovering the best possible square
}     for their second move. We can also speculate--with fear and
}     trembling--that the fate of human civilization may hang on
}     our ability to devise a winning response. . . .


631-10    (agie9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did it have to be WESTERN POETRY, of all things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I told you that the final would
} be comprehensive,
} Your roommate said if you got me
} be apprehensive,
} You'd think that these two facts
} for a warning would do,
} But you wasted all your time on crap
} like Physics II,
} You thought that you could skate right through
} Survey of Lit,
} Thought you wouldn't need to study
} one little bit,
} I know for sure I really stressed
} this poetry,
} For fifteen minutes near the end
} of lecture three,
} Too bad you had to turn to me your
} ear that's deaf,
} See you next semester buddy
} here's your "F".


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