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Internet Oracularities #632

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632, 632-01, 632-02, 632-03, 632-04, 632-05, 632-06, 632-07, 632-08, 632-09, 632-10


Usenet Oracularities #632    (63 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 17:49:26 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   632
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

632   63 votes 5eod7 8ilc4 nhf17 2fng7 26oeh 3coea 5fjj5 2aamj 4aho8 5ilc7
632   3.1 mean  3.0   2.8   2.2   3.2   3.6   3.3   3.1   3.7   3.3   3.0


632-01    (5eod7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS INFOSYS?
>
> HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE TO INFOSYS?
>
> HOW DO I SUBMIT AN ARTICLE TO INFOSYS?
>
> WHAT ARTICLES ARE APPROPRIATE?
>
> WHO MANAGES INFOSYS?
>
> WHAT ARE PLANS FOR INFOSYS DEVELOPMENT?
>
> HOW DO I GET BACK ISSUES OF INFOSYS?
>
> HOW DO I DO A STRING (KEYWORD) SEARCH OF INFOSYS BACK ISSUES?
>
> HOW DO I GET A LIST OF INFOSYS SUBSCRIBERS?
>
> HOW DO I CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION?
>
> WHAT IS LISTSERV?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen to me carefully (get a pen and a piece of paper, if you
} like).  Take a deep breath.  Put both hands on the desk in front
} of your terminal. Push away from the desk, putting equal pressure
} simultaneously on both hands. Stand up (if you don't remember how
} to do this, pick up the phone and ask the Information Operator).
} Walk away from your computer.  Do not look back no matter how strong
} the compulsion.
}      Walk out into the open air.  Take some more deep breaths.  Go
} easy, you'reprobably not used to this particular ratio of oxygen to
} carbon dioxide andothermiscellaneous gases.  Go forth into the world
} and speak to any other human being you encounter.  (Try starting with
} something like "hi," or "hello!" or "Hey, how's it going?")
}      You need to start attempting to get a life.  You are way too
} occupied with your computer.  It's bad for you.  Believe me.
} I don't lie.  Just do it.


632-02    (8ilc4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Almighty Oracle,
>
> What is "The missing link"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The missing link is a bratwurst reportedly last seen on the Titanic,
} before its disastrous end.  Many survivors claim to have in their
} possession the actual link, but the actual location of the true sausage
} has never been verified.


632-03    (nhf17 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a train, going 75 miles an hour, leaves Montreal at 7:15 a.m., with
> 40 passengers, twelve of whom are discordian, fnord?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, kids!!  Now get a free Shuggoth in every box of Sugar Coated
} Chthuloops!!


632-04    (2fng7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the Oracle, in deepest gratitude:
>
>       Here I sit, all alone,
>       In a world so strange and mean
>       But there is hope for all mankind
>       It lies within the screen.
>
>       The Oracle is here to help
>       With all your wants and needs
>       His generosity certainly
>       Outweighs his fiendish greed.
>
>       His wisdom flows from here to there
>       And everywhere in between,
>       He knows just how to make your day
>       He tends not to be mean.
>
>       The Oracle shall save us all
>       From all our earthly woes
>       Just in time all shall be saved
>       Just don't step on his toes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's most gratified
} With your dramatic assertation.
} But there remains one query yet
} Wither is the question?
}
} I've searched through both the first verse
} And the second, and the fourth,
} Also the third, because,
} I will not shirk this quest of yours.
}
} I've searched all through the "wisdom",
} And the "earthly", and the "mean",
} But still I cannot find it!
} (I've also searched full inbetween).
}
} Orrie has now come to an
} Inescapable conclusion.
} The question (if there is one)
} Is concealed in the allusion
}
} That says that I shall save you all
} From all your Earthly woes
} And just in time you shall be saved
} But don't step on my toes!
}
} (The reader may have noticed,
}  In the wording of this poem
}  A certain similarity,
}  To the supplicant at home,
}
}  Tapping away at the keyboard,
}  Writing his little plea.
}  That is purely to engender
}  A sense of security.)
}
} Now this is clearly a reference,
} To the wond'rous Oracular Feet.
} Famed throughout the universe
} For being so generally neat.
}
} "The Feet shall save us all!", they cry,
} As the domesday hour approaches,
} But wait! A problem has occured!
} The Feet have been bitten by roaches!
}
} (That last line may seem a tad contrived,
}  Purely there to maintain the rhyming.
}  But the Oracle would never do such a thing
}  Especially when dining).
}
} "Oh no!", they cry, "Our chance is gone!",
} And riot in the street.
} But "Calm you down!", Our Man exclaims,
} "Nothing shall stop my Feet!"
}
} And so, and thus, the Feet went on,
} (Hooray!) To save us all,
} And justly then the world exclaimed,
} "Hoorah! for the Oracle!".


632-05    (26oeh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you for reals?
> Hello?
> Fuck

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Fuck,
}    Let me answer your questions in turn.
}
} > Are you for reals?
}
} I am indeed for reals. The real number system (including integers,
} rationals and irrationals) is fundamental to modern mathematics.
}
} > Hello?
}
} Goodbye.
}
} You owe the Oracle grade-school literacy.


632-06    (3coea dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you're really the Oracle....
>
> what do I have behind my back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O.K. wiseguy, the Most Powerful and Least Patient Oracle will
} give you your answer.
}
}        Speaking directionally, your back, while being the back of your
} front, is also the front of your back. Now if the front of your
} back is your back, that is the back of your front, then logically
} anything behind your back must be behind the front of your back,
} and therefore, in front of you.
}       So, the answer is your computer screen.
}
}       Doubt the Almighty Oracle, will you? Any more skepticism
} from you and you'll be on the recieving end of a *ZOT* so big you
} won't find your back for a fortnight.


632-07    (5fjj5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why *did* the chicken cross the road, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has duly ponder every facet
} of your intellectual musings and is
} prepared to profoundly answer your
} question...
}
} One fine Saturday afternoon there was more abuzz than
} usual in the steel and glass mansion of the Chicken
} household. Little Chelsea D. Chicken, it seems, was
} going to the prom that night. Her first dance at
} the Cornish Game Hen Finishing HIgh School, Chelsea
} was understandably nervous and giddy. She darted around
} the house like a chicken with her head cut off
} checking to make sure all preparations were well under
} control.
}
} Her father, Bob "Brown N Serve" Chicken had already lovingly
} slapped 3 hours worth of tape in the videocamera.
}
} Lydia "I'd like a thigh" Chicken had made the hors d'oevres
} for the pre-photo session chit-chat between the Chicken
} family and the Pollos, a wonderful Spanish wine clan who
} had only recently moved to the area after stock in their
} Malaguena wine company went public.
}
} Little Chunk CHicken had been safely locked in his room,
} along with every childhood photo album which showed
} Chelsea in embarassing egg-hood.
}
} Chelsea mentally went over the routine she would follow to
} make herself a fitting date for the suave and debonaire
} Julio Cesar Pollo. Tiara.. check. Pearl earrings and
} necklace.... check. Nylons to cover her unsightly chicken
} skinned legs. A beautiful feather trimmed dress to hide her
} skinny chicken legs and accentuate her plump and delicious chest.
}
} SUddenly Chelsea let out a great squawk, causing her parents to
} race to the frilly lace nest of their daughter.
}
} "I like totally forgot about beak gloss and talon polish!"
} she gasped, falling back into her nest and sobbing uncontrollably.
} "How will I ever be the most succulent chicken at the prom
} with beak gloss and talon polish???? Julio Cesar will despise me!"
}
} Chelsea's mother sweated in panic... Wht to do, what to do.
} In an instant, she whispered to her husband, urging him
} to go to the Circle K across the street and pick up some
} polish and gloss for Chelsea, to soothe her nerves and
} let her concentrate on the festivities at hand.
}
} Seizing the opportunity for chivalry, Mr. Chicken patted his
} daughter on the head and raced out of the house, proud to
} be able to help his Angel Birdie in her moment of need.
}
} Unfortunately in his haste, poor Bob did not have the good
} sense to look both ways when crossing the road and was
} most unpoetically flattened by a Foster Farms Truck,
} putting a damper on not only the prom jocularity, but
} on the slushie throwing contest that was going on across
} the street at the Circle K as well.
}
} You owe the oracle a bucket of the Colonel's finest, hold the nasty
} gravy.


632-08    (2aamj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O frabjous Oracle, calloo callay, whose gyres and gimbals never wabe,
> please enlighten me, your pathetic useless supplicant:
>
> How is it that I'm moderately popular and have an active social life,
> when I was a Computer Science major in college?  From what I
> understand, I am an anomaly.  I'm supposed to be spending my time in a
> dimly lit lab playing XTrek and drinking Jolt, am I not?
>
> PS. I am female; please refrain from penis jokes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't mention my more vorpal qualities.
}
} O pathetic worthless supplicant, you are indeed supposed to be in a
} dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt.  For what is our
} educational system for?  To educate?  NO!  It's a mouse race designed
} to prepare you for the rat race!  (College is time trials.)  The
} curricula are specifically designed to help you fit into the grand
} pattern of modern life.
}
} It seems that you failed to meet the expectations of society, your
} parents, various civic leaders, and most Deadheads by actually
} learning something.  The only cure is to continue your education
} until the system grinds your free will and joie de vivre into a fine
} powder.
}
} You might choose from the following areas of underachievement.  I
} have included (for your benefit) a synopsis of what is expected of
} you.
}
} Computer Science:
}
}    College    Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing
}               XTrek and drinking Jolt.  Interact only with other
}               CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage
}               it.  Become passionately involved only in the
}               continuing IBeM/Commode-ore/Suckintosh debate.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office,
}               playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet
}               coffee...at least five cups an hour.  Interact only
}               with your own project team, and then only via
}               e-mail.  Become passionately involved in the
}               continuing debate over who pays when the schedule
}               slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them
}               to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.
}
} Psychology:
}
}    College    Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing
}               with rats and other vermin.  Drink Jolt by the
}               six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents.
}               Interact only with other Psychos, but only to
}               analyze their behavior in non-lab situations.
}               Become involved in the continuing debate over
}               whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci
}               major.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and
}               living in a cardboard box with other vermin,
}               wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat.
}               Continue to consider yourself superior to social
}               work majors.
}
} Economics:
}
}    College    Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room
}               full of charts and graphs.  Learn about supply and
}               demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply
}               and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government
}               office with people who look just like you.  Issue
}               reports you wrote in college because you're too
}               lazy to write a new one.  Watch newscaster explain
}               your report to unsuspecting viewers.  Listen to
}               President explain that the economy sucks because
}               of unemployed psychologists.
}
} Philosophy:
}
}    College    Read books by dead guys.  Debate whether a tree
}               falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, fuck! Not
}               again!"  Consider the ethical problems in the killing
}               of annoying street mimes.  Get failed by prof for
}               not liking correct dead guy.
}
}    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office,
}               playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet
}               coffee...at least five cups an hour.  Interact only
}               with your own project team, and then only via
}               e-mail.  Become passionately involved in the
}               continuing debate over who pays when the schedule
}               slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them
}               to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.
}               Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays
}               better than being a dead philosopher.
}
} Math:
}
}    College    Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about
}               polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties
}               with other mathematicians.  Scream when they steal
}               your work.  Steal their work.  Be a social outcast.
}
}    Real Life  See above.  You work for the university.
}
} I suggest you apply immediately and start being downwardly mobile.
} It's never too late to become a sponge.
}
} You owe the Oracle a doctorate.
}
} PS How many penises does it take to screw in a light bulb?


632-09    (4aho8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, clever and quick witted, storyteller extraordinaire, please
> tell me a story that has romance, intrigue, daring and excitement.
>
> Ta.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, once there was this guy, you see, and he like fell in love with
} this girl and like, they had to hide it from people cause like he was
} black and she was white or somethin'.  So finally they like tell
} everybody and there's this big chase scene.
}
} You didn't ask for a good story.


632-10    (5ilc7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is life

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a game, devised within the same timeframe, by God and John Conway.
}
} The God version is somewhat more complex, since it allows some players
} to wonder why they have to die, and give rise to rebellion, denial and
} suicide. But that becomes rather messy after a while, and the required
} board to play the game is somewhat larger than your standard universe.
} (Of course, basement universes can provide an enjoyable evening).
}
} The Conway version is much cleaner. And the little dots don't run
} around screaming when they have to die, or ask silly questions like
} "Why are we here", or "Is there really 100% beef between the Golden
} Arches buns?".
}
} I've heard the rumour that somewhere on a game of Conway Life, by
} strange and random mutations, the dots combine to form a bit-map of
} Elvis's face alternating over a couple of life cycles to the words
} 'Jimmy Carter=GODT'.
}
} This raises some Pan Critical Questions, as the extropians would say,
} for we do not know:
}    1. If Elvis is being paid royalties for appearing in a shareware
}       program.
}    2. If GOD is behind this, John Conway is behind this, or if it is
}       just some kind of practical joke played by the Unified Field
}       Theory 0.92beta which most immortals have acknowledged to be *the*
}       supreme being.
}    3. Why, of all possible mutations, that the dots could only be
}       fitted to this display by misspelling the word GOD as GODT.
}          NOTE: many believe that this either implies that the English
}                language does not fit the true flow of the cosmos, or
}                that there is a supreme other above GOD with the strange
}                name GODT.
}    4. What in the hell Jimmy Carter (the human peanut) is doing in all
}       this.
}
} PS: the existence of the two versions of life have prompted the common
}     phrase in our incomplete language: 'Get *a* life' opposed to 'Get
}     Life'.
}
}     Extropians would argue that since English was devised BEFORE Conway
}     came up with his version of life, this means that everything in
}     this universe was meant to be.
}
}     Including Tonya Harding.
}
}     Oooooops. Slipped again.


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