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Internet Oracularities #634

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634, 634-01, 634-02, 634-03, 634-04, 634-05, 634-06, 634-07, 634-08, 634-09, 634-10


Usenet Oracularities #634    (64 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 6 Mar 1994 10:10:43 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   634
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

634   64 votes 7dhj8 79ckg 7qn80 47jmc 9rfa3 6ghj6 6eqd5 38yf4 kebc7 dlk73
634   2.9 mean  3.1   3.5   2.5   3.5   2.5   3.0   3.0   3.1   2.6   2.5


634-01    (7dhj8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most spediferous, who has never faced an existential crisis:
>
> My life is for shit. I am graduating soon, with a perfectly useless
> BA degree, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, I'm
> terrified of being stuck in a useless, boring, low-paying job for
> my entire life, my roommate has gone insane, my paramour won't leave
> his wife, I can't get anyone of either gender to go out with me
> and my father has started claiming that he's getting in touch with
> his past lives -- I meet a new one every few days. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               Chin up, supplicant, and forget your fear
}               The answer to all your problems is here
}               Don't worry about the past lives of your Dad
}               And everything else that is making you sad.
}
}               If you haven't a clue what to do with your life
}               Then you're perfectly suited to become someone's wife
}               It's the best thing to do when life is a bitch
}               For your problems will vanish if you marry rich.
}
}               Your husband may be such a terrible bore
}               Who leaves hairs in the bath, and at night, he may snore
}               Just discover the reason your roomie's insane
}               And whatever you did back then, do it again.
}
}               When he's totally gaa-gaa, and eating the walls
}               Take him for a holiday, to Niagra falls
}               Tell him you love him, and then tell him why
}               Tell him you love him coz he's able to fly.
}
}               Then back in the comfort of your brand new home
}               Call up your old paramour on your solid gold phone
}               Tell him about all the stock you've acquired
}               Tell him you're his new boss, and that he's fired.
}
}               Follow this advice and the world will be yours
}               For money buys happiness, power, and laws
}               But always be thankful, pay me half what you've got
}               Though you may buy an army, I've still got my ZOT!


634-02    (79ckg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is everyone telepathic but me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


634-03    (7qn80 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wise and perplexing oracle, if Socrates died thousands of
> years ago by doing something rather unintelligent as consuming hemlock,
> why would we want to answer questions in the Socratic Method, thus
> continuing his legacy of stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose you meant "...why would we want to answer questions posed by
} a teacher using the Socratic Method".  The difference, of course, is
} that the Socratic Method is a teaching technique, not a technique of
} answering a teacher's questions.
} I suppose you also meant to preface your question with an appropriate
} amount of groveling and sniveling, but it was sadly omitted.
} I suppose you also are unaware of the many enlightening truths recently
} brought to light by NORHL (the National Organization for the Reform of
} Hemlock Laws).  For instance, hemlock has many beneficial uses (it's a
} dessert topping AND a floor wax), when taken in moderation.  Socrates
} was a notorious party animal, and frequently HEMmed-out, as ODing was
} called in those days.  Recent translations have made it clear that
} Socrates' final fling was caused by waiting too long for a slow student
} to respond to one of his questions.  [The Final Question, as it is now
} called, had to do with why one would want to answer his questions; thus
} lending a certain irony to your current inquiry.  In fact, while
} waiting for myself to complete the answer to your question, I feel a
} strong need for more hemlock myself.]
}
} "Do you owe the Oracle anything for this answer?" I said Socratically.


634-04    (47jmc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle who most likely has tax exempt status,
>
> what tax preparation tips do you have for us work-a-day supplicants in
> the throws of preparing our taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                  Hyde Jurassets, D. Duct, N. Pray
}                                  Tax Consultants and Accounting
}
} Dear Sir,
}   As the USENET Oraclce is currently undergoing an IRS audit all
} tax questions are being forwarded to us.
}   The oracle is in a unique tax situation as most of his income results
} from payment in kind.  Our position as his tax preparers is that many
} of these payments are actually services to the individual supplicant
} required for the enlightenment and training of same and that the Oracle
} receives little or no fiscal value from such renumeration.  The IRS, on
} the other hand, insists, based on POLICY that taxes be paid based on
} actual undiscounted retail.  When none exists they arbitrarily assign
} value based on "standard industry practice".
}   Several cases which illustrate the problems we are trying to overcome
} during these proceedings follow.
}
} CASE1:payment- A duck that flies backwards while quacking
}       inna-gadda-davida. IRS value assigned- $2000 for performing
}       animal.
}
}       Our contention was that the particular qualities required of the
}       duck were to train the supplicant of the folly of the late
}       sixties hippie generation.  The actual value to the oracle as
}       itemized in his return was listed at $12.99 as the animal was
}       roasted upon receipt.
}
} CASE2:payment- A better mousetrap.
}       IRS value assigned- $150,000 based on similar improvements in
}       other appliances.
}
}       We contend that the Oracle received no actual value from this
}       device as he has no problem with the particular rodent involved,
}       has no plans to market the device as the world already beats an
}       electronic path to his door, and has no other use for the device.
}
} CASE3:payment- Bill Clinton's little black book.
}       IRS value-$1,000,000 based on offer from The National Enquirer.
}
}       This payment was for the supplicant's own good to keep his mind
}       on the campaign and out of his pants. Lisa burned the book on
}       receipt.
}
} Until the Oracle's tax affairs are straightened out, he can answer no
} further tax questions. However, the services of our firm are available
} at reasonable rates. We are licensed, bonded, and endorsed by the
} USENET Oracle.
}
}                                 Sincerely,
}                                 Hyde Jurassets, Sr. Partner.
}
} By the way, you owe the Oracle some cold hard cash. We'll bill you.


634-05    (9rfa3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Deer Orikle,
>
>       You play thuh banjo, boy?
>
>       Sinseerlie,
>       Rupert

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deer Suppleecant Roopert,
}
} Your lack of polish notwithstanding, the great Oracle will condescend
} to answer your question.
}
} The answer is:  Yeah, boy, ah sure do.  In fact, ah was originally from
} Alabama, & came to Indiana by way of Louisiana.  Took three years of
} surgury to detach that dadblamed banjo from my knee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a buckwheat cake and a tear.


634-06    (6ghj6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, witness my most abject grovelling and shine your light
> of wisdom on my questions dank with confusion...
>
> O Oracle, are Nabisco Cheese Nips actually preferred over Sunshine
> Cheese-Its, as it says on the box?  If so, how do they know?
>
> And, O Oracle, is the correct plural of "Cheese-It" "Cheese-Its" or
> "Cheese-They"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Subjects force-fed both tended to projectile vomit the Cheese
} Nips only 70% as far as when fed the competing brand; thus, the Cheese
} Nips are deduced to be more popular.
}
}       However, no-one has ever determined the plural of "Cheese-It",
} since no-one has been willing to deal with more than one.
}
}       You owe the Usenet Oracle a copy of the NRC regulations on the
} handling of radioactively orange fake cheese products.


634-07    (6eqd5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> wow this thing really works!  Now to ask a real
> question!!  I'm a sysop that runs a board in Gra
> Grass Valley CA, I'm trying to start a Net calle
> d PhishNet.  Can you give me some pointers on
> starting a Net?  Things what to do, things not
> to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle's Top 10 Things NOT to Do When Starting a Net:
}
} 10. Advertise it as "unhackable!"
} 9. Let everyone be a sysop.
} 8. Make passwords optional.
} 7. Run a mail program that routes questions and answers between callers
}    anonymously.
} 6. Carry the alt.net.how-to-crash Newsgroup.
} 5. Become partners with IBM and Sears.
} 4. Run it under CP/M on an 8086.
} 3. Free chat!
} 2. Bring it up for only 8 hours a day.
} 1. Give it a trite, over-used name with a pun, like "PhishNet."


634-08    (38yf4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OMighty Oracle:
> Why are academic snailmailing addresses getting longer when we can all
> survive on a one-line email address?
>
> Typically now we have things like :
> Associate Professor P. Retentious
> William R. Hamilton Unit of Pedantry and Pedagoguery
> Division of Splitters
> School of Epistomological Sciences and Unnatural History
> Obscurantist University of Smalltown MidWest
> 1553 Abraham Lincoln Memorial Parkway  NW
> Building 123 #45
> Smalltown, State 12345-1234
>
> Try getting that on an address label!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's nice to make people feel important when they're not.  It's
} a widely known fact that the size of a man's mailing address is
} directly proportional to the size of a man's....... ego.
}
} You owe the Oracle a toothbrush.
}
} The Oracle
} Associate Professor of Omniscience
} Department of Soothsaying, Foretelling, and Premonating
} Universe University
} 214324 Main Street
} Building #192
} Second Floor
} Room 237B
} Back Room
} Behind the Water Cooler
} Under the Desk
} Who Cares, UT 92148
} United States
} North America
} Earth
} Sol
} Milky Way
} Universe #39-B
} Reality
} oracle@cs.indiana.edu


634-09    (kebc7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, WHO would never SELL OUT!
>
> Me and my brother were talkin' to each other 'bout what makes a man
> a man.  Was it brains or brawn or the month you were born.  We just
> couldn't understand.  So me and my brother borrowed money from
> mother, we knew what we had to do.  We went downstairs to the
> barber and gymnasium and got our arms tattooed.  My dad beat me
> because mine said mother but my mother naturally liked it and beat
> my brother cause his tattoo was of a lady in the nude and my mother
> thought that was extremely rude.
>
> What kind of tattoo does the Oracle have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A short one that says "DE PLANE!!  DE PLANE!!"


634-10    (dlk73 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are things not always as they appear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question betrays the usual Eurocentric, linearly logical,
} patriarchal obsession with correlating appearance with reality.  I
} challenge the implicit assumption of your question:  that things should
} always appear as they are.  Get in touch with your feminine self.  Take
} time to smell the roses instead of wondering why they don't always
} smell as they appear.  Accept the seeming illogic of a world in which
} things aren't as they appear.  There is more to life and truth than
} logic.  There are alternative logics.
}
} Think of me as your friend, not just your Oracle.  I'm concerned
} about you.  Because I'm your friend, I'm going to tell you
} something that people who don't care about you, wouldn't bother
} to tell you.  I think that you might benefit from psychotherapy.
} You seem to have an excessive inability to tolerate ambiguity.
} Your question betrays this inability, an inability which thwarts
} your ability to completely enjoy and benefit from your relationships
} with other people.  If you disagree with me, fine.  I hope that you
} appreciate the care that motivates my friendly advice.  I hope
} that we are still friends.
}
} Your remark presupposes a visual frame of reference.  After all, you
} didn't ask why things are not always as they sound, or why things are
} not always as they feel.  I know that you didn't intend to offend
} anyone, but your blithe use of a visual frame of reference is
} insensitive to the ocularly challenged.  By answering at greater
} length, I might seem to legitimize your insensitivity.  Therefore, I
} reluctantly bring this response to a close.
}
} Peace.


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