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Internet Oracularities #635

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635, 635-01, 635-02, 635-03, 635-04, 635-05, 635-06, 635-07, 635-08, 635-09, 635-10


Usenet Oracularities #635    (65 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 8 Mar 1994 14:44:47 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   635
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

635   65 votes 4cog9 dqi80 9lma3 eph54 23grh 2apj9 5mhk1 1dgob 8fnd6 6om94
635   3.0 mean  3.2   2.3   2.6   2.4   3.8   3.4   2.8   3.5   2.9   2.7


635-01    (4cog9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> psi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, someone who values my time.  Someone who knows that the Oracle
} knows the question before it is even asked.  Someone who says only
} enough to remind the Oracle to answer after a long hard day of
} Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
}
} You may all learn a thing or two from this pleb (although the groveling
} was rather weak).  I will translate for those of you unable to
} comprehend the question:
}
} p:  "[P]lease, oh Great and Powerful Oracle, whose very vomit I am
}      unworthy to throw sawdust upon - Please answer the question that
}      has been plaguing me since my childhood..."
}
} s:  "[S]tate your answer clearly, for I am but a miniscule intellect in
}      the presence of unfathomable knowledge..."
}
} i:  "[I]s Michael Jackson male or female?"
}
} And the Mighty Oracle answers: n


635-02    (dqi80 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, recently I was given a house plant.  What should I feed it and
> how long do I need to let it grow so that it grows into an English
> Tudor style country estate house?
>
> Not-so-green thumb, From East of the Mason-Dixon Line

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The particular variety of house plant YOU have been given _does_not_
}  grow into an English Tudor style country estate. You have the
}  out-house type plant. Just place it some where it will get a lot of
}  (*ahem*), well, flush-fodder, and it will become all it can be.
}
}  Oh, one other thing, you might want to dig a large pit under the spot
}  you select for it, as the, ah ..., flush-fodder, tends to pile up, as
}  it were.
}
}  (but I'm sure you're familiar with piles being 'East' (?) of the
}   Mason-Dixon Line)
}
}  You owe the Oracle the Time-Life Book's video set of the 'North and
}   South' TV mini-series


635-03    (9lma3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When a girl says she will go someplace with you why do they always seem
> to change their minds 2 minutes before you are ready to go pick them
> up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personally, I always do it because something more interesting has come
} up, like making sure all my socks have mates, or taking out my own
} appendix with a shoe spoon.
}
} When was the last time you showered?


635-04    (eph54 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most effective,
>     Whose nose is approximately the size of my roommate's,
> Who probably cannot smell an unlit cigarette from 3.744E2 parsecs,
>     Whose eyes are beadier than some villain in some western,
> Who doesn't have to pay for water, unless it's expensive,
>     Please tell me:
>
> I seem to have no knack for poetry.
>     I try and try, but it always comes out as prose.
> Do you think that there is anything that will help
>     My reliance on boring literalism?
>
> Thank you in advance.
>     A humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       And the Oracle Spake Thusly:
}
}       O humble supplicant fine,
}       One great way to a poem is this
}       to consume great quantities of wine
}       With suitible breaks for a-
}       Snack wich you will surely need
}       To begin this fine task with wit
}       Also consume great amounts of mead!
}       But be sure to account for great quantities of-
}       Errors when you first go at it
}       So call on the gods of luck,
}       And if this does not help it flow,
}       Take the time to have a good-
}       Nap before you write again,
}       This is called writers block or a gap
}       But watch out for the critics stain,
}       They are usually filled with-
}       A wish to help you out,
}       To a grade that will make you pass
}       Oracle says not to doubt,
}       But to pull the words out of your-
}       Head.
}
}       You owe the oracle 12 conway twitty albums and a book of irish
} limeriks.


635-05    (23grh dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This poem is incredible.  I mean, I have never seen such an
} in-depth evaluation into pure nothingness before.  It leaves
} the reader with a sense of emptiness, and the reader can truly
} feel the poet's pain.
}
} Technically, the poem is flawless.  There are no questionable
} line breaks to confuse the reader.  There are no questionable
} word choices in other to make the reader pause.  In other
} words, there is nothing that leaves the reader questioning the
} poem itself and the poet's method of writing the poem.  So the
} poem flows from word to word, from line to line extremely
} well.  This is heightened by the lack of punctuation.
}
} One thing that must be mentioned is the repetition.  I find it
} extremely effective, since it echoes the poet's sentiments
} without becoming tiresome or annoying.  In line seven, the poet
} says:
}
} >
}
} which echoes a similar idea of line 2.  However, the repetition
} of this idea is necessary, since the reader goes off a slight
} tangent beginning in line 4, and needs to be drawn back into
} the poem.  The final repetition of this idea (occurring in the
} last line), helps to tie the entire poem together.
}
} As for the meaning of the poem, I think it's about the
} essential struggle of one man in modern society and his
} attitudes towards love and death.  The poet almost gives us a
} sense of hopelessness and despair, but there is also an
} underlying theme of hope which can be seen in line 5.
}
} As for things I do not like about the poem, there are very
} few.  I'm wondering if line 3 is really essential to the poem.
} While it is very interesting, it does not seem to fit the mood
} of the rest of the poem.  Also, I would like to see a stanza
} break after line 5.  The poem seems to start in a different
} direction after this line, and I think it would make the poem
} truly great to see it divided up into two separate thoughts, so
} to speak.
}
} Also, I would like to see a title.  I mean, although the poem
} is extremely engaging as it is, I think a title would help to
} root me into the poem and give me some sense of where it is
} going before I read it.  However, I am a little wary of this
} point, because an inadaquate title could destroy the entire
} mood of the poem.
}
} Very nice.  Good use of white space.


635-06    (2apj9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose might impresses me mightly, might you tell me, do
> you answer yes/no questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are a few different answers to this question.  In fact,
} back when I was an undergrad majoring in Omniscience, I did my
} thesis on this very topic.  As you, a lowly mortal, cannot
} possibly comprehend the majority of my research, I will go over
} the basic:
}
} POSSIBLE ANSWER #1 (YES): There seems little point in answering
} the question this way, since it is extremely obvious.  After
} being asked whether or not you answer yes or no questions,
} "yes" is the most likely answer.  It is very direct, it answers
} the question, and it comforms to all rules of logic.  In other
} words, very boring.
}
} POSSIBLE ANSWER #2 (NO): This is the most counter-intuitive
} response.  It makes no sense.  Although it is one of the two
} options available to the person, by answering the question
} "no", a paradox is created.  The most obvious response for
} someone attempting humor.  Obvious is usually not good, since
} the person has probably already anticipated this answer.
}
} POSSIBLE ANSWER #3 (MAYBE): This is another obvious response.
} It avoids the question, attempts humor, and does not create any
} paradoxes.  As stated earlier, obvious is bad.
}
} POSSIBLE ANSWER #4 (KRILL): Actually, nearly any word in the
} English language can be substituted for "krill".  Also avoids
} the question, and attempts weirdness.  Hopes to make the reader
} laugh in kind of a defensive sort of way, kind of laughing
} puzzled since the person asking the question is utterly baffled
} and confused.  Makes no sense.
}
} POSSIBLE ANSWER #5 (COMPLETELY AVOIDING THE QUESTION ALTOGETHER
} AND GOING OFF ON A TANGENT CORRELATING SOME SORT OF MATRIX OF
} POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND ATTEMPTING TO PASS THE WHOLE THING OFF
} AS FUNNY): Probably the best response.
}
} The Oracle suggests that you study up, since there will be a
} pop quiz on this on Tuesday.


635-07    (5mhk1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Oracle, who have tasted every softdrink that has ever seen the light
> of day and can drink seven cans of Cherry Coke without vomiting, only
> You posess the knowledge necessary to answer my question:
>
> Why does Coke cans have pictures of coke bottles on them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, it should be "Why do Coke cans...."
}
} The Oracle needs to explain nostalgia to you.  Nostalgia is that trick
} of memorey (yours or somebody elses) that convinces you that things
} were better, simpler, easier n number of years back, where n is a
} number at least 10 years greater than your age.  It is a human response
} to dealing with the reality of the so called "modern age."  It is also
} pure poppycock.
}  Things were much worse in years gone by.  People were frequently eat
} alive on the street by dinosaurs only 30 years ago.  Things are much
} better now. Things are always getting better.  We all love Big Brother.
} Drink Victory Gin.
}
} This all leads us to Coke cans and the Coca-Cola Corporation of
} Atlanta, Georgia.  Since Coke has been around for such a long
} time,(longer than an average human life, a mere blink to the Oracle)
} the Coca-Cola Corporation has hit on the idea of tapping the propensity
} for nostalgia that most humans display to one degree or another.  So
} they put pictures of those Coke bottles that you can no longer get in
} an major urban center on their cans and use slogans like "Always" to
} indicate that by drinking this Coke you will be magically transported
} to a simpler time.
}
} In fact, you'll be transported to a simpler mind.
}
} Not only isn't the "Classic" Coke the same thing you were rotting your
} teeth with 15 years ago, it is nothing like the stuff in the "simpler
} times gone by."  You know why?  Because the original Coca-Cola had
} cocaine in it!
}  (Why do you think they call it Coke?)  Yes, the "Pause that refreshes"
} would be a narcotic today.  A great way to get repeat buyers; get them
} addicted.  (This ploy was also (and still is) quite sucessfully used by
} the cigarette companies.)  Of course, modern Coke is not much better.
} They put caffine into it instead.  If caffine were discovered today,
} there would be no way that the FDA would approve it for human
} consumption; the fact that we've been taking it for years seems to make
} it okay though.
}
} So, the short answer is, Coke is trying yet another cheap/expensive
} ploy to get you to drink their poisonous sugar water.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tall glass of lemonade.


635-08    (1dgob dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and might oracle, who has people groveling for his help left
> and right, please tell me the answer to this qustion:
>
> Say there are three boxes sitting on a table, and one has a prize in
> it. Say i choose box C, and you open box A, to find it empty. Do I Have
> a better chance of winning the prize if i change my mind and pick box B?
>
> I have been shown a proof for this, which says that it is indeed a
> better choice to switch boxes. But i don't follow this, can you please
> explain!
>
> Your supplicant,
> me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Supplicant. This is an old puzzle indeed. Traditionally it is
} known as the Monty Hall puzzle. There are two possible explanations.
} The statistical version, or the Oracular version. First the statistical
} version:
}
} Supplicant: (Thinks) Well, I've got a 1/3 chance of winning, whichever
}             box I pick. So I'll pick box C. (Speaks) I'll take box C.
} Monty Hall: Are you sure about that?
} Supplicant: Yes.
} Monty Hall: How about if I open this box? (He opens box A).
} Supplicant: (Thinks) Aha. There are three possible ways this could have
}             happened. I could have chosen at the beginning empty box
}             one, empty box two, or prize box three. If I selected prize
}             box three then all well and good, I win by sticking with
}             this choice. If I selected empty box one or two, however, I
}             would win by changing my mind, since the remaining box
}             definitely contains the prize. (Speaks) Now I'll have box B.
} Monty Hall: You're sure about that now?
} Supplicant: Yes.
} Monty Hall: Congratulations. You've won a car!
}
} <Audience applause>
}
} And now the Oracular solution:
}
} Oracle:     Which box is the prize in?
} Monty Hall: Sorry?
} Oracle:     Which box is the prize in?
} Monty Hall: No, you don't understand. You have to guess. Then I'll open
}             up one of the other boxes to show it's empty. Then you can
}             change your mind if you want.
} Oracle:     Tell me which box the prize is in or I'll ZOT you so hard
}             they'll have to paint the prize black and drive you to the
}             graveyard in it.
} Monty Hall: Okay, okay, it's box B.
} Oracle:     I'll have box B.
} Monty Hall: Congratulations. You've won a car!
}
} <Audience applause>
}
} There, you see? Couldn't be simpler.
}
} You owe the Oracle the contents of Box A. However, in Box C are all
} your earnings from now until the day you die. Do you want to change
} your mind and give me Box B instead?


635-09    (8fnd6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise Oracle to whom my ancestors bow down:
>
> I live in Thailand. Recently my wife, angered at supposed philandering
> on my part, severed my penis with a kitchen knife while I was asleep.
> She threw the disembodied penis out the window where it was captured by
> a duck. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For God's SAKE, man!  Catch that duck!
}
} As a former resident of Thailand, the Oracle happens to know that
} an exquisite and unforgettable dish can be prepared of severed
} penis over roast duck.  The combination produces a sensuous aroma
} which cannot be described by any known language.  Any rumors
} that the taste resembles that of a hot-dog is pure rubbish.  As
} I have said, the flavor is simply indescribable.  Be sure to
} flame-broil the penis at precisely 250 degrees Celcius until
} browned, and use your favorite oils and spices.  If desired you
} may dice the penis and let the shreds cover the roasted duck,
} or simply tuck it under one wing.
}
} In addition, you might want to be sure your wife (being mainly
} responsible for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity) have the
} lion's share of the mail.  Fair is fair, after all.
}
} You owe the Oracle one batch of condoms, since you probably
} won't have much use for them anymore.


635-10    (6om94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What actually _is_ a Twinkie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you are referring to the yellow-orange mini-loaf-shaped
} aeroelastically-expanded lubricant-filled pseudo-consumable
} object that is delivered in pairs wrapped in cellophane with
} a carboard backer board, then your question is a worthy one.
} If you are instead referring to a young woman with appealing
} physical attributes, you are a sexist pig.
}
} The former is the archetypical junk food.  It provides to the
} consumer a high-intensity, short-duration burst of metabolic
} activity that is described in layman's terms as "a sugar high"
} followed shortly thereafter by a gastrointestinal disturbance
} known as "heartburn."  Prolonged consumption of these "Twinkies"
} can delay the onset of rigor mortis after death, by saturating
} the body with preservatives.
}
} Modern folklore has it that Twinkies are inordinately expensive in
} areas frequented by tourists.  For example, it is rumored that
} the cost of a two-pack can exceed $1.00 in Honolulu.
}
} You owe the Oracle 6 Chocodiles and a roll of Tums.


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