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Internet Oracularities #637

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637, 637-01, 637-02, 637-03, 637-04, 637-05, 637-06, 637-07, 637-08, 637-09, 637-10


Usenet Oracularities #637    (70 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 09:24:19 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   637
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

637   70 votes fgr84 b7sea aiik4 ghmb4 5dlkb ano94 9hne7 cifi7 5tei4 cnq45
637   2.8 mean  2.6   3.1   2.9   2.6   3.3   2.6   2.9   2.9   2.8   2.5


637-01    (fgr84 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apathy.


637-02    (b7sea dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Will she ever really come back to me?
>
>       And will she be truthful and faithful then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, she won't.  You shouldn't have thrown the stick over the cliff and
} shouted "Fetch."


637-03    (aiik4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty one, why has the quality of the Oracle's responses shown such
> a down-turn?
>
> A. Supplicant, Rotherhide.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  While normally the Mighty Oracle would zot you intooblivion for
} daring to suggest quality control problems in the Oracle's
} responses, the fact of the matter is (and keep this under your
} hat, favoured supplicant, we don't want a panic) there have been
} some problems.
}       You see, the Great Oracle got a little carried away with
} the NAFTA treaty, and decided to contract out some work to a
} Mexican firm who specialized in divinations and handbag
} manufacture, which would ease up the Oracle's workday a bit. The
} Net's been growing, you know. Unfortunately, the Oracle has now
} learned (Yes, I'm omniscient, but things still sometimes slip My
} mind) that the Mexican firm had hired not soothsayers, but those
} damn infinite monkeys with their infinite typewriters, who were
} answering supplicants essentially randomly. However, the company
} failed to realise that no matter how low the per monkey salary
} is, if you have infinite monkeys you also have an infinitly large
} payroll (not to mention a need for infinite bananas), and they
} have since gone bankrupt.
}       Service should return to normal shortly.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a book on contract law and a good lawyer.


637-04    (ghmb4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to know where I can reach someone who would like to write
> letters on email just for fun.  How do I get in touch with them?
>
>                                       Help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey! I've had a great idea! What you should do is set up a kind of
} 'writing co-operative'. You could have it so that email is anonymously
} forwarded from one person to another, and then the answer is sent back.
} Actually, that's such a good idea I think I'll do it myself... now...
} what shall I call it?


637-05    (5dlkb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (One moment, I'll connect you...)
}
} We're sorry.  Romeo is not available at this time.
}
} Press 1 if you'd like to speak with another member of Romeo's family.
}
} Press 2 if you're interested in a lucrative career in the field of
} doomed romance.
}
} Press 3 to hear more about Romeo's upcoming special guest appearance on
} 90210.
}
} If you are using a rotary phone, or can feel life's strength ebbing
} from you, please hold the line and an operator will be with you anon.
}
} (You owe the Oracle a comma remover.)


637-06    (ano94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OhgreatandmagnificentOraclewhoalwaysobeysthepostedspeedlimitandyet
> stillmanagestoarriveathisdestinationfiveminutesearly,whoneverwakes
> uponthewrongsideofthebedorsuffersfrommorningbreath,whosewisdomshines
> uponourfaceslikethelightofathousandlavalamps,pleasespareafractionof
> yourvaluabletimetoanswerthisquestionforme:
>
> Whatdoesthatbiglongunmarkedkeyatthebottomofacomputerkeyboarddo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thatbiglongunmarkedkeyatthebottomofacomputerkeyboardisaspacebarand
} withoutitwordstendtobemuchtoolong.


637-07    (9hne7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle Research Unlimited
} Progress Report #324562A
} Monkeys and Typewriters Project
}
} We have had an infinite number of monkeys sitting at an
} infinite number of typewriters for about a third of
} eternity so far.  While they have yet to produce anything
} by Shakespeare (disregarding the near miss of 'Beavis and
} Butthead of Verona'), we have achieved a small advance.
} As is shown above, one of our subjects has managed to
} generate an answer to "What does a tree sound like if it
} falls in the forest and no one cares?"
}
} Also, in response to recent criticism, we have determined that
} the number of monkeys is countably infinite, and not uncountable.
} There is simply no way to diagonalize a monkey.
}
} We are running low on Monkey Chow and need extra funding to
} get the Project (and the monkeys) through the fiscal year.
}
}              The Monkey Team


637-08    (cifi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   How can I decode the crypted jokes ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fvzcyr, fvyyl crefba. Lbh unir gb eha vg guebhtu EBG-13, juvpu vf
} n fvzcyr fhofgvghgvba pvcure. Gurer ner sbhe erpbzzraqrq jnlf gb
} qb guvf.
}
} 1) Fpna sbe gur zbfg pbzzba yrggref. Gurfr ner cebonoyl R, G naq
} F. Fhofgvghgr gurz, naq ybbx sbe pbzzba jbeqf. Svyy va gur jbeqf
} lbh guvax ner pbeerpg, naq fhofgvghgr gur nccebcevngr yrggref.
} Ercrng.
}
} 2) Hfr gur sbyybjvat Ha*k furyy fpevcg:
} ge n-m a-mn-z | ge N-M A-MN-Z
}
} 3) Guvax erny uneq nobhg guvf:
} N=A O=B P=C, rgp.
}
} 4) Uvg <fuvsg-K> va gur Bar Gehr Arjf Ernqre.
}
} Lbh bjr gur Benpyr gur zna cntr sbe ea(1) naq lbhe orfg
} pbyyrpgvba bs rapelcgrq wbxrf.


637-09    (5tei4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there more seeds in tomatoe or a cucumber?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, that depends on the size of each vegetable in question.  Hang on a
} sec while I run out to the supermarket.
}
} [Fading foot steps heard on wooden floor.  Door slams shut]
} [Time lapse...    20 minutes]
} [Door slams again.]
}
} Geez, you know how hard it is to buy just one of each of these things?
} Okay, down to our test.  [Pulls out Ginsu knife.]
}
} WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK *YOW!*
} [Sucks index finger.]
} Of all I do to keep these miserable supplicants pleased...
}
} WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK
}
} And now we count individual seeds from each of them...
} 1...2...3...4...5...
} [Another time lapse as counts every friggin' seed from each veggie]
} [Total time lapse:  13 hours.  Oracle sitting in darkened room save
}       for one flashlight]
}
} *phew*  I've done it.  There are ... ah ... um ... I thought I
} took note of that number...  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
}
} You owe the Oracle a better way to spend his weekend.


637-10    (cnq45 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O temporal Oracle, whose asynchronous answers transcend time, please
> tell me:
>
> How long must I wait?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is contemplating your question.
}
} Expect your answer in a millennium or two.


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