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Internet Oracularities #639

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639, 639-01, 639-02, 639-03, 639-04, 639-05, 639-06, 639-07, 639-08, 639-09, 639-10


Usenet Oracularities #639    (77 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 30 Mar 1994 10:15:30 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   639
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

639   77 votes eyl53 drs63 2cppd ghkcc bnrc4 fhfdh blpg4 evja3 2armg jmp83
639   2.8 mean  2.3   2.5   3.5   2.8   2.7   3.0   2.8   2.4   3.5   2.4


639-01    (eyl53 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: amg@panix.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o your wisdomness, provide a solution to my dilemma:
>
> what's the difference between a duck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeker,
}    This is a common question.
}    The difference between a duck is roughly equal to that of a pigeon,
} only more so.  The yellow-bellied sapsucker is another good example,
} only not nearly.  It's important to keep in mind when comparing a duck
} that in mating and migration season it is the same.
}    Hope this helps--
}
} The Oracle


639-02    (drs63 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@ismene.CS.McGill.CA>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What's the matter with the car I'm driving?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The Oracle would like to point out that you are facing the wrong
} direction, which should explain the difficulty you are having driving.
} The Oracle is suprised that it took you this long to notice.


639-03    (2cppd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, your brightness would blind any supplicant.  Pray, shine
> only a small beam of your awesome majesty upon me...
>
> When should I be worried that I'm drinking too much coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Too much coffee" is a vague term, so I'll quantify it.  Rate yourself
} and your relationship with coffee, using the standard Oracular 1-to-5
} scale (5 is least dangerous, 1 is most dangerous):
}
} 5:  If I drink coffee at all, it's at the occasional social event.  One
} cup only.
}
} 4:  I like the taste of coffee, and I've been known to patronize the
} local gourmet coffee house.  I even occasionally drink it for the
} caffeine hit, but only if I have to wake up really early.
}
} 3:  Can't start the morning without that first hot cup; my co-workers /
} classmates avoid me until the caffeine kicks in.
}
} 2:  I used to keep a coffee pot at all the computer labs at school, but
} not anymore; I just bought a battery-operated coffee pot that fits in
} my backpack.  Juan Valdez named his oldest child after me.  The last
} time I paid my bill at the local gourmet coffee house, the owner told
} Harvard to cancel the student loans, because he just came up with the
} tuition money for all five kids.
}
} 1:  I drink coffee through an IV.  My only exercise is caffeine
} jitters.  The last time I tried to cut down, the bottom fell out of the
} coffee-bean futures market.
}
} I hope that gives you a better idea of your coffee consumption.
}
} You owe the Oracle a coffee maker of his very own.  Zeus always hogs
} the community coffee pot...never puts any money in the coffee fund,
} either.


639-04    (ghkcc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pardon m*, but th* * k*y on my t*rminal has brok*n, and I can't s**m
> to fix it.  Can you do som*thing to h*lp m*, pl*as*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pull your thumb out of your asterisk.


639-05    (bnrc4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle (bow and scrape), how does one
> actually connect physically to the Omnipresent and Omnipotent
> Internet?
>
> I don't mean through a modem to a company that offers the service, but
> how could I connect my home computer directly to the Ever-present and
> All-powerful Internet.
>
> Your most humble and obedient servant.
>
> HAL ;-{)}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet is everywhere.  It flows through us, connects us.  It is
} in all living things.  You must feeeeel the Internet running through
} you.  Channel it, feel it, repect it.  Then you may be ready to learn
} how to connect with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few floating rocks, a small green puppet with
} funny ears, and a hamster named Chewie...
}
} May the Internet be with you.


639-06    (fhfdh dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> q
> q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ----------
} |q       |
} |q      @+
} |        |
} ----------
}
} ----------
} | q      |
} | q    @ +
} |        |
} ----------
}
} ----------
} |  q     |
} |  q --@ +
} |        |
} ----------
}
} ----------
} |**q**   |
} |**q** @ +
} |*****   |
} ----------
}
} ----------
} | (  /   |
} |$ !?  @ +
} | = $    |
} ----------


639-07    (blpg4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other oracle isn't any good, just keeps telling me lies, so I'm
> turning to you as a last resort.  The Mafia keep following me around.
> They hide behind trees and stare at me.  Sometimes they look through
> my windows at night when I'm asleep.  And the FBI puts poison in my
> peanutbutter, so I don't eat it.  They all want me dead, but I've
> fooled them, I use mirrors.  What can I do to make them go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop posting MAKE.MONEY.FAST and maybe I'll reconsider my death
} sentence. Better hurry... I've offered half of Bill Gates' net worth as
} a bounty, and he's willing to pay it.  Evidently someone at Microsoft
} got the letter and it's been circulating rather heavily.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Dave Rhodes.


639-08    (evja3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  This dike keeps springing leaks and I'm running out of fingers!
> Plus, the water's getting *really* high!  What should I do?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Wet Supplicant,
}
}       Well, when the water covers up one of your fingers, it's safe to
} remove that finger. It has something to do with water pressure--the
} explanation would be too complicated for a mortal such as yourself.
} Using this clever method, you should be able to reuse fingers when they
} become obsolete, thus maximizing their leak-stopping potential. You
} could also use the sides of your face and your feet to stop the flow of
} water.
}       As far as the more general picture as to what you should do, I
} say take a bath, you ungroveling snot.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a junior swimming lifesaver award.


639-09    (2armg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'll get right to the point.  You're the greatest mind I ever
> hope to encounter.  I can only turn to you for wisdom.  Please don't
> fail me, as you're my only hope.
>
> Can MUD addicts be cured and brought back to real life by therapy on a
> more life-like MUD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracuco is pleased to announce the world's first non-recreational MUD
} -- RealityMUD!!!!  Want to live the lifestyle of the little people?
} Or perhaps you want to wind up.  RealityMUD is just what you are
} looking for.  Here is a sample session:
}
} INTERSTATE 5
} You are driving your Yugo down Interstate 5.  Traffic seems to be
} unusually light for this time of day.  Your home is 15 miles away.
}
} The truck in front of you moves forward 110 feet before it stops again.
}
} >Drive forward 110 feet.
}
} Your home is now 14.998 miles away.
}
} >Pass truck.
}
} To do that, you will have to switch lanes.
}
} >Switch lanes.
}
} You wisely decide not to switch lanes when you see that you would
} crash into a Lexus on the right and a highway barrier on the left.
}
} The truck in front of you moves forward 50 feet.
}
} >Move forward 50 feet.
}
} Too late!  A Jaguar cuts you off.
}
} >Yell "Are there any babes out there that want to have MUD sex with
} me?"
}
} Your shouting is overpowered by the drone of car engines.
}
} The Jaguar moves forward 50 feet before it stops again.
}
} >Drive forward 60 feet.
}
} Do you want to ram the Jaguar?
}
} >Yes.
}
} In a Yugo?  You must be kidding!
}
} >No.
}
} You seem very negative today.
}
} >Stop car and get out.
}
} Do you really want to stop your car on the freeway?
}
} >Yes, I do.
}
} In a Yugo?  You must be kidding!
}
} ><Sigh> Drive forward 50 feet.
}
} You are now 14.997 miles from home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a MUD Lexus.


639-10    (jmp83 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked my doctor about Richard Stallman, and he said, "Are you
> annoyed that Stallman is vivid?"  What should I do about my doctor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's good to see that your software company has finally decided
} to seek expert help. It certainly is a tough slog competing against
} a company that doesn't even charge for its products.
}
} But I'm left wondering, "Is a guy with a PhD in Computer Science
} _really_ the best man for a mentor?"
}
} I guess there will always be the "Brains are best" mentality when it
} comes to software development, but is that really the way to go? I
} think that OS/2 has clearly shown us that your average punter doesn't
} give a stuff about asynchronous multiprocessing, and object oriented
} design, but just wants to know "Will I feel superior to all those
} deluded Macintosh users if I buy this product?"
}
} Yes, my answer to you is "Marketing, marketing, marketing!" When you
} guys finally get your "Wordstar for Programmers" onto the market, you
} want to hear "Here, take my $2000, I just want a copy!" rather than
} "Yes, I must say, I find this hypertext help system most intuitive!"
}
} As for your doctor, sack the geek. How is "Are you annoyed that
} Stallman is vivid?" going to get you your first million, let alone your
} second? What you want to be hearing from your mentor is "That guy is
} dirt, you hear, DIRT! And I don't want to hear that kind of language
} used in this office EVER again, understand? This product is going to be
} _so_ successful that people are going to be saying 'Richard who?' Our
} subliminal marketing campaign is in full swing as of today, and soon we
} will grind that guy right back into the crud that he crawled out of.
} Got it!"
}
} Of course, even if you take my advice, you are doomed to failure. You
} think you are going to get anywhere in this world without a decent
} grovel? Not likely matey!
}
} You owe the Oracle the movie rights to the accidental demolition of
} your building next week.


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