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Internet Oracularities #640

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640, 640-01, 640-02, 640-03, 640-04, 640-05, 640-06, 640-07, 640-08, 640-09, 640-10


Usenet Oracularities #640    (98 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 07:59:11 -0500

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   640
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

640   98 votes jork8 69tou pGhc2 blyn9 3hErb dnyfd 7Evf5 7dkjD 6sxn8 aksrd
640   3.0 mean  2.7   3.6   2.2   3.0   3.3   2.9   2.7   3.7   3.0   3.1


640-01    (jork8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey!  "Oracle" spelled backwards is "El Caro"!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And Moron spelled backwards is No Rom


640-02    (69tou dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: amg@panix.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok chief.  Here's my latest status report.
>
> The plan is progressing well.  Ames's plan was
> really a stroke of genius.  Not only is the American
> public convinced, but recent documents show that the
> KGB has taken it hook, line, and sinker.
>
> The 'escape' plans have been finalized.  Our contact
> in Cuba has already 'planted' the seed, and the two of
> them should be in Moscow within the week.   Then it's
> just a matter of sitting back and waiting for thier
> reports to come in.
>
> Initial reports indicate he will be in early, and be
> in deep.  He will be the best damn mole we've ever had!
>
> I will await the final approval.
>
> Max.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Max:
}
} There is a change in status between our side and their side. Although
} we have always kept our side in opposition with their side, now there
} are other sides we need to consider. Because of this, our side and
} their side are secretly joining sides so that our (combined) side can
} work against the other side(s).
}
} I know this seems confusing to you, but think of it this way: Now that
} their side is our side and our side works with their side, both sides
} are the same side and the other side is whatever side is left. The
} agents who were inside their side are now outside the other sides.
} Besides, agents of their side who got inside the other sides are now on
} our side. We've even got some leftists on the right side!
}
} As to Ames, he's on our side, but worked enough for their side so that
} when he got inside our side their side thought he was still on their
} side even though he was always on our side. Now that both sides are the
} same side, we want the other side to think that he's always been on
} their side (not the other side!) and that his escape to their side is a
} problem for our side, when actually he's moving sideways, from one side
} of our side to the other side of our side.
}
} Good work. Continue as planned. Cover your backside.
}
}     Chief
}
} You owe the Oracle a two-sided Mobius strip made out of copper. Please
} make sure that it is silver-plated on one side and gold-plated on the
} other.


640-03    (pGhc2 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: amg@panix.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who will be elected President of the United States in the 1996
> elections?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you believe supplicants these days? I must say, I have noticed a
} significant lack of grovelling in the last few months. Perhaps I should
} just Zot you! Yes, yes.
}
} Look! I hope all you disrespectfull, smarty pants, umm.. well just down
} right RUDE supplicants are listening up because...  Oh. OK, JUST THIS
} ONCE, you understand, but this is the VERY LAST TIME. OK, OK, I'll
} answer it, but the grovel better be good next time! Got it?
}
} I mean, there was a time when just to be compared to anything lesser
} than one of the greater gods got you a zot. Like, "Hi Oracle, you're
} the best!" Hey - Goodnight supplicant. But these days, hey, think
} yourself lucky with a grovel like that. Huh! I mean, lately it's been
} luxury to get even a hello, let alone a simple "Hi Orrie!"
}
} Now, where was that question again...... Oh, right, a 1996.president.US
} query.
}
} Will you look at that! 1996 - only two years away. Like, "Hi Orrie (you
} omniscient being you!) what did I have for breakfast?" or "What number
} am I thinking of?"
}
} I mean, that really does it. That REALLY does it! First, that _SCUMBAG_
} supplicant has the hide to supply not even the hint of a grovel, and
} then a question like this? I mean, well.
}
} What do you mean "Well, what's the answer?"
}
} Yes sure I know!
}
} Listen! No, just shut up.
}
} Who's ignorant?!
}
} RIGHT
}
}            << ZOT! >>
}
} You owe the Oracle a cardboard box to keep your ashes in. One of those
} ones that Garry Larson (tm) mugs come in will be fine, oh, and you may
} as well throw in the mug too, because I don't think you'll have much
} use for it. Oh, and I already have the one with the polar bears on it.
} Yeah, thanks.


640-04    (blyn9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do Redheads REALLY like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracles.


640-05    (3hErb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle (bow and scrape), Wise Oracle,
> your brightness would blind any supplicant.  Pray, shine only a small
> beam of your awesome majesty upon me...
>
> I graduated Summa Cum Laude last May (1993) from a Big 10 University
> with a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Science/Engineering/
> Wizardry/Information Systems.  But now I can't get anyone to give me a
> Computer Professional job. I've been sending out my resume and going to
> interviews for more than a year now and still I have no job. Many of
> these jobs I had interviews with just wanted someone with experience,
> so where do I get experience if no one will hire me in the first place?
> Its not because I look like a geek or a nerd (and I certainly am not a
> geek or a nerd), I present a very professional appearance with a good
> looking blue suit and a firm handshake (firm not gripping). I've read
> and followed the advise of all the good books on landing a job, but
> still to no avail, not even one little job offer.
>
> So please help me Great Oracle, you're my only hope, what should I do?
> How can I get a job (as a Computer Professional)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just tell the interviewer, "I have all the passwords on your system.
} I'd just love to be able to use some of them legally."
}
} You owe the Oracle your company's /etc/passwd file.


640-06    (dnyfd dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would you do if I sent you a null question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


640-07    (7Evf5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> I'm a guy.  And I guess you're a guy too.  But, it's perfectly
> natural for me to be having these feelings about you, right?  I
> mean, there's nothing wrong with it, is there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle isn't a guy, or even gal.  The Oracle simply exists in
} a gender-neutral state.  Your feelings are completely natural
} when viewed in the light of my heavenly glow.  Who could NOT
} be aroused by the grandure?  Still, you could no more have
} sex with me than you could have sex with the Grand Canyon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower.


640-08    (7dkjD dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of world fame, yea even unto those of us who are still
> struggling to get some news software to work:
>
> The **** with it. I just can't be creatively funny. Not to-day, maybe
> not again. A little background: I live in Johannesburg, South Africa.
> Thirty-odd of my countrymen lost their lives a few days ago for no good
> reason, and scores more were injured. By the grace of whatever deity
> keeps an eye out for software engineers/systems administrators, I was
> not in the wrong place at the wrong time - this time. My fellow
> countrymen seem locked on a course of self-destruction, and I'm playing
> the fiddle while Rome burns, so to speak.
>
> I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, I have a job, a modest house, and a
> small car, all of which have simply put me in a higher debt bracket. I
> do hope that the fact that this comes from a "co" and not an "ac" does
> not mitigate against me, I do prefer eating and I'm not the academic
> type.
>
> I know I'm not the only one in the world with problems, but I could
> really use some of your famed creative humor about now. I'm sorry to be
> such a wet blanket in my first suplication, but even my Monty-Python
> collection isn't lightening the gloom.
>
> No reasonable job offer refused, my skills are still intact, even if
> I'm currently suffering a complete sense-of-humor failure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Friend,
}
} The Oracle cannot in good faith maintain its omnipotent persona in the
} face of your plea. Instead you get a graduate student in
} upstate New York who has also felt powerless and fearful and overcome
} by the relentless stupidity of the powers that be and forces that are.
}
} I wish that I could make you laugh. As I read your supplication,
} radio reports of the state of emergency that has been imposed there -
} to maintain a safe voting environment!- bring tears to my eyes.
}
} I'm not sure what to tell you, but I do think that the smug sarcasm of
} the Oracle would be counterproductive and trivial. Instead, I offer to
} you what I have - a recipe for banana bread.
}
} You really don't need to know how to cook to do this - in fact, it's
} better if you don't know, since you will feel even better when you
} bake successfully if you do not usually bake.
}
} Ingredients:
}
} 3 ripe bananas, well mashed
} 2 eggs, well beaten
} 2 cups flour
} 3/4 cup sugar
} 1 teaspoon salt
} 1 teaspoon baking soda
} 1/2 cup chopped walnuts
}
} Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees Celsius; sorry I don't
} know the other metric equivalents). Grease a loaf pan. Mix the bananas
} and eggs together in a large bowl. Stir in the flour, sugar, salt, and
} baking soda. Add the walnuts and stir to blend. Put the batter in the
} pan and bake for 1 hour. Remove from pan to a rack to cool.
}
} I hope that you try this and find some satisfaction from it. If it
} doesn't make you feel better, I suggest you re-query the Oracle: food
} is an easier topic for comedic riffs than suffering.
}
} I have faith in your strength, and I am assured that your sense of
} humor shall return to you. My thoughts are with you.
}
} (not-exactly-incarnated as Priscilla Finley,
}       ba07230@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu)


640-09    (6sxn8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Amourous Oracle, please answer your humble supplicant this most
> unworthy of questions:
>
> Why do fools fall in love?
>
> Ta.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ta-ing Supplicant,
}
} Not an easy one, like why do birds sing so gay? Lovers await the break
} of day? Why does the rain fall from up above? Why does your heart skip
} a crazy beat, 'cause you know it will re-peat peat? Well, here goes.
}
} Fools fall in love because it's more socially acceptable than falling
} in mudpuddles. Because they rush in where angels fear to tread.
} Because their shoelaces are tied together.
}
} Because love is a losing game, when he don't feel the same. I know,
} can't you see, cause that fool is me...
}
} What the Oracle wonders is who wrote the book of love.


640-10    (aksrd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it bad to use a preposition to end a sentence with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because that's not what they are for!


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