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Internet Oracularities #641

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641, 641-01, 641-02, 641-03, 641-04, 641-05, 641-06, 641-07, 641-08, 641-09, 641-10


Usenet Oracularities #641    (94 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 1994 18:22:07 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   641
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

641   94 votes 3nxnc 9ruia bhose upo87 klvg6 jFs42 9vtj6 3axpn 28jmH alrqa
641   3.0 mean  3.2   2.9   3.2   2.3   2.6   2.2   2.8   3.6   4.0   3.1


641-01    (3nxnc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any problems which are not computable by a Turing machine but
> are computable by another machine? (Thus disproving Church's thesis?)
>  -Your most grovelling and humble,human no-mind servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes:
}
} "Define the state of the light inside a refrigerator as
} x and the state of the door as y.  Define the possible
} values of x and y as 0 (off or closed) and 1 (on or open).
} Calculate the value of x given that y=0."
}
} A refrigerator can solve this problem.  A Turing machine can't.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new refrigerator since this Turing machine
} I got for Christmas is becoming obsolete quickly.


641-02    (9ruia dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most great and wise oracle (genuflect, bow, scrape knees on
> asphalt)please impart on me your bright beacon of hope and
> wisdom and tell me the answer to this:
>
> If the grim reaper, the spectre of death, were to wear brighter
> colors and say more cheerful things, such as "hey, you picked a
> really nifty day to die, tell you what, I'll take you on the
> scenic route to yourfeild of eternal frolic!" or "Man, that
> sure is one whale of a knock you took in that there fender
> bender.  I'd give a 9.5, and that gives you a dozen extra tickets
> for the millenia drawing for a ride in God's golf cart."
> If the keeper to the keys of life were to do these sorts of things,
> would people be less afraid of death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, what a great question!  You picked a hum-dinger of a question to
} ask, and by coincidence it's also the 666th question asked today.
} Congratulations, friend!  You're on your way to the greatest afterlife
} ever!
}
} You owe the Oracle your soul.


641-03    (bhose dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle,
>       Is it better to have loved and lost than to have played miniature
> golf and lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As long as you have fun getting it in the hole...


641-04    (upo87 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.CS.McGill.CA>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is an oracularity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This.


641-05    (klvg6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do turds sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You might as well ask: why do mules fall in love?


641-06    (jFs42 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh please great oracle, could you please tell me the meaning of meaning
> of life

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The meaning of life, is it?  You want to know the meaning of life?
} When children are starving, when old folks are dying, when the moon
} waxes and wanes, when the Usenet Oracle bothers to attend to
} questions, you want to know the meaning of life?  Hold on a minute.
}
} (Ghod, I get so bored with this question!)
}
} Today I think I'll ask someone else for an answer.  <Oracle yells to
} Clown College.>  HEY BOZO!  BOZO THE CLOWN!!  WHAT'S THE MEANING OF
} LIFE?
}
} Sorry, I forgot, today is Bozo's nose's day off.  Without his nose,
} he's just not himself.  Oh, goodness, I just noticed that you really
} wanted the meaning of "meaning of life."  That'll take a saint.
}            ^^^^^^^^^^
} Well, let's try one of the Saints.  <Oracle dials telephone to Mt.
} Auburn Cemetery.>  MRS. EDDY!  WHAT'S THE MEANING OF LIFE?
}
} Mrs. Eddy, did you say "God?"  That's it, life is just "God"???  Ok,
} now what's the meaning of God?
}
} Hold on, that's a mouthful.  Let me write this down for my supplicant.
} "The incorporeal divine Principle ruling over all as eternal Spirit:
} infinite Mind."  Well, there you have it, the meaning of meaning of
} life, straight from Mrs. Eddy.  I'm not sure it'll help you, but at
} least it can't make you sick.


641-07    (9vtj6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and omnicool Oracle,
>
> Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one of those mysterious facts that is obvious to all but the
} most idiotic.  You are supposed to buy four packages of hot dogs, and
} five packages of the buns.
}
} You owe the Oracle two hot dogs.


641-08    (3axpn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, please help me with my difficulty.
>
> I am a personnel manager for a large company.  With the recent
> requirements for political correctness I am concerned about my title,
> and the fact that I use a personal computer.  The problem is obvious:
> "personnel" has "son" in it as does personal, and "manager" has "man".
> I have therefore sent out a memo which I reproduce below:
>
> From: J. Bloggs, Perpeoplel perpeopleager
> To:   All staff
> Re:   Perpeoplal computers
>
> Henceforth all "personal computers" will be known as "perpeoplal
> computers" in recognition of the potential political incorrectness of
> the former name.
>
> J. Bloggs, chairperpeople, PC committee
>
> Anyway, to my question:
> My analyst has started asking for danger money.  Should I pay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's even worse than you thought.
}
} The English "people" comes from the Latin "populus."  While "populus"
} refers to people in general, it is gramatically of masculine gender.
} However, it may be replaced by a gender-neutral term for a
} gender-neutral concept, such as the Tlingit word "makchutep," meaning
} people in general. Unfortunately, makchutep contains the syllable
} "chu," which is strongly reminiscent of the Lahu word "chur," meaning
} one's best friend's uncles. It must therefore be replaced by the Lower
} Middle Late Pidgin Yiddish "Svolbtz," a slang term for collateral
} relatives of any gender.  This may be done freetly, since LMLPY is
} completely free of gender references (coincidentally, this language was
} only spoken by a group of seven shopkeepers and their families in a
} small village near Gdansk, where it soon passed out of use, since it
} proved impossible to gossip effectively in LMLPY).  To sum up, you may
} safely refer to yourself as a
} "Permaksvolbtztepl Permaksvolbtztepger" without fear of offending
} anyone. Other words may be changed accordingly.
}
} Your analyst is a heavily disguised alien from Venus.  It is attempting
} to charge you more in order to finance the construction of a
} mind-control network base on microwave oven technology.  Kill it.  Kill
} it now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gender-neutral translation of the Kama Sutra.


641-09    (28jmH dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once upon a midnight dreary, while my eyes were blank and bleary,
> From incessant peering, leering, staring at my terminal,--
> While I jittered from my caffiene, suddenly there came a laughing,
> As of some crazed loony, halfing victims like an animal.
> "'Tis myself," I muttered, "I'm becoming like an animal.
>     Brain is oozing out my skull."
>
> I had to look for some enjoyment for a break from my employment,
> Or another programmer would turn into a criminal.
> As I typed my program kludgy on my monitor so smudgy,
> Suddenly, I saw a budgie perched upon my terminal.
> Strange, for me to see a budgie perched upon my terminal!
>     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle."
>
> I said, "I am much too weary to compose a proper query,
> And I know much better than to go submit the question null.
> I would like to give an answer like a ballet needs a dancer,
> But, you fiend, you know I can't, sir, when the queue is never full.
> When I try an askme then that question queue is never full."
>     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle."
>
> I replied, "You cowardly craven, stop at once your misbehavin',
> Do you think you are a raven perching on my terminal?
> I would rater cross savannah, eat an over-ripe banana,
> Than to contact Indiana with a question terrible.
> Yes, the Oracle will never take my question terrible."
>     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle."
>
> Oracle, we know you know it.  I hate budgies.  Do I show it?
> Humbly, Edgar Allen Poet.  Please reply soon, Oracle.
> P.S.  I am getting pudgy eating roasted basted budgie.
> Though it tastes a little sludgy, I find it is quite edible.
> Would you like to try some budgie roast?  It is quite edible.
>     Quoth the poet, "I am full."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you are so evil - even borderline medieval,
} When claiming to be so ill, you dare tempt The Oracle.
} I want none of that roast "lovebird" - the mere thought is simply
}   absurd,
} That I would blindly take your word that that bird is not a gull.
} I like parrots, in fact love them - but I bet you pawned on me a gull.
}       Quoth this poet, "That is bull."
}
} I won't eat a bird so common - I would rather eat two strawmen.
} Ask again, and I'll call lawmen before you can count to four.
} I've uncovered your nasty plot.  Your wicked plans are all for naught.
} Let your "parrot" rot.  ZOT ZOT ZOT!!!  Now straighten up as before.
} You owe me a real lovebird, not a gull as done before.
}      Poet, try that nevermore.


641-10    (alrqa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently the Oracle's previous advice has been taken to heart.
} Although duct tape has cured your drooling problem, I fear
} you may have been to generous in application.  Remove some of
} it from your face and hands so you can breathe, think, and type
} normally.
}
} You owe the Oracle undying gratitude and continued silence.


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