[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:11:16 GMT

Internet Oracularities #643

Goto:
643, 643-01, 643-02, 643-03, 643-04, 643-05, 643-06, 643-07, 643-08, 643-09, 643-10


Usenet Oracularities #643    (72 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 16:57:56 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   643
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

643   72 votes bkme5 bsm74 8epg9 8eoh9 17krh 8hki9 2bksb 8smb3 csn54 4doo7
643   3.0 mean  2.8   2.5   3.1   3.1   3.7   3.0   3.5   2.6   2.5   3.2


643-01    (bkme5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> :q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because vi is innately evil, that's why. All of the mysterious
} disappearences you mention -- your English 101 paper, Chaucer's Book
} of the Lion, the sheet music to Thespis, the Shopping List of the Gods
} -- were the result of the depraved appetite of this most diabolical
} of programs, which lurks in the bowels of unsuspecting computer
} systems everywhere, salivating over every morsel of text that
} comes its way, every poem, every essay, every question for the
} Oracle, until finally it can be restrained no longer, and devours
} some helpless document in a frenzy of flashing jaws and piercing
} teeth, leaving only an unrecognizable character or two behind,
} and stalking off again unsatisfied, as unfilled and ravenous as
} before, for the appetite of this infernal code-creature can never
} be satisfied by words alone. As the Bard put it,
}
}        Truly, vi hath a lean and hungry look;
}        Give me an editor which is fat!
}        Such as emacs, for example . . .
}
} You owe the Oracle the Loeb Classics edition of Aristotle's _Comedia_


643-02    (bsm74 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise help me!
>
> I'm a 2nd year CS student who has stumbled onto a international
> conspiracy, I call it the Parakeet Brief.
>
> My problem is this, I'm currently trapped in the building, the
> CIA, FBI and NSA have surrounded it and are searching it floor by
> floor, It's only a matter of time before they find me.
>
> How can I escape the building?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do the words 'Beam me up Scotty' mean anything to you?


643-03    (8epg9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you ask the question, I'll answer!
}       - ideal Oracle
}
} If you ask the question, you'll answer!
}       - somewhat less than ideal Oracle
}
} If I ask the question, you'll answer!
}       - somewhat misguided Oracle
}
} If I ask the question, I'll answer!
}       - self-centered Oracle
}
} If ask question, answer you I.
}       - dyslexic, functionally illiterate Oracle
}
} I knoweth all!  Ask me any question!
}       - a true Oracle
}
} Hide, I'll answer for it!
}       - self-sacrificing Oracle
}
} If you ask my question, I'll answer!
}       - ineffective Oracle
}
} If I answer your question, you are the suppliant.
}       - Oracle who has trouble dealing with the obvious
}
} If a you aska the question, I gonna answer it.
}       - Oracle from New York
}
} If my answer is not funny, so what?  If you complain, who cares?
}       - weak, uninspired, lackluster Oracle
}
} If I "askme", you'll get an answer.
}       - pragmatic Oracle
}
} Tell me.
}       - every Oracle incarnation to date.


643-04    (8eoh9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  SECRET WOODCHUCK MAN
>
>  Words and music by Phil Connors
>  Performed by Johnny Slivers
>  from the TV series "Secret Woodchuck Man" starring Patrick McMarmot
>
>  There's a chuck who lives a life of danger
>  The nightmare of every forest ranger
>  Don't tell him that he's cute
>  If you do your life is moot
>  Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow
>
>  Secret Woodchuck Man!
>  Secret Woodchuck Man!
>  Give him all your lumber
>  'Cause chuckin' is his game...
>
>  Alone he waddles through the forest silence
>  Twenty pounds of wild rodentine violence
>  With cheek pouches made of steel
>  He's makin' you his next meal
>  And odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
>
>  Secret Woodchuck Man!
>  Secret Woodchuck Man!
>  Give him all your lumber
>  'Cause chuckin' is his game...
>
>  Don't ask him where he's from or where he's goin'
>  Or how long will the winter winds be blowin'
>  Or the chuckin' that he could
>  Do if a woodchuck could chuck wood
>  'Cause odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
>
>  Secret Woodchuck Man!
>  Secret Woodchuck Man!
>  Give him all your lumber
>  'Cause chuckin' is his game...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene:  an English country lane, flanked by rolling hills and very,
} VERY low-lying hedges.  Entering the field of vision on the viewer's
} right, a Rolls Royce Phantom V idles effortlessly down the lane.  From
} view left, an Edsel, rusting out slightly and running on one, maybe two
} cylinders.  The cars converge, and the driver of the Edsel sticks out a
} limb and flags down the Rolls' chauffeur.
}
} Characters:
}
} L. Supplicant:  meets every stereotype.  Foolish, haphazard, deprived
} of sex.  Easily confused, should not be allowed out alone.  The thought
} of him driving a car on the wrong side of the road is mind-numbingly
} frightening.
}
} The Oracle:  (hey!  I'll cast whomever I damn well please!)  What can
} be said which would do adequate justice?  The ultimate.  God asks him
} for advice.
}
} The Chauffeur:  played by Sean Connery.  Has seen (almost) as much as
} his master.  Beware if he delivers you a fish.
}
} Fade in to rustic bird-like sounds, subtle purring of the Rolls,
} contrasted with the gawd-awful cacophony of the Edsel.
}
} Supplicant:  "Hey, jerk!  Move that boat off the road!  Oh, and pardon
} me, SIR, do you have a grey baton?"
}
} Chauffeur:  "One moment please, _sir_.  [Supplicant shivers; Chauf.
} turns to O.]  M'lord, this...gentleman has asked for the grey baton.
} Shall I deliver it, or would you like to?"
}
} [A muffled reply emanates over the car's intercom system]
}
} Chauffeur:  "Very well, m'lord.  [returns to pleb]  Yes, sir, would you
} care to step out of your car for a moment?"
}
} Supp.:  "Huh?  Ok, whatever."  [exits car.  engine sputters noisily]
}
} [Chauf. exits car, walks several yards to its trunk, and removes an
} innocuous silver-grey wand, about an inch in diameter, and maybe 10
} inches long.]
}
} Chauf.:  "Is this what you need, sir?"
}
} Supp.:  "No, hang on, that's not mustard, is it?  No, wait!  What are
} you doing?  [Chauf. is extending telescopic lengths from within the
} baton] Hey!  Put that down!  I'll call the cops!!!  HEY!!!"
}
} [Blurred frenzy of motion.  Many loud, painful thunks and crashes arise
} from the cloud.  Dust settles.  Supp. is lying in a bloody heap, devoid
} of any humanoid form.  Chauf. is retracting telescopic baton, carefully
} wiping off any contaminants from its surface with a chamois.  He
} returns to the driver's seat.]
}
} Chauf.:  "All taken care of, m'lord.  He won't be asking any questions
} about...THEM anymore."
}
} [Through the tinted rear window, we see Oracle's hand make a gesture so
} as to say 'Carry on' to his driver.  The car pulls away almost
} silently, as the Edsel's engine succumbs to fate somewhat less gory
} than its driver. With a cough and a backfire it stops, spewing noxious
} waste onto a curious woodland creature not unlike a woodchuck which
} happened to be foolish enough to enter itself into the situation.  From
} off-screen we hear a rumbling, fearsome roar of laughter, the revving
} of an engine of "adequate power output", and the gradual return of the
} serene aural qualities of the countryside.]


643-05    (17krh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise Oracle, good friend of "Bob" Dobbs, drinking buddy
> of Cthulhu, and bridge partner of Athena:  Please answer the humble
> query that I, a lowly supplicant who is unworthy of trimming your
> nose hairs, ask of you:
>
> What treatment programs are available for those poor souls who are
> Hooked on Phonics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You asked for it, you got it: the Oracle's
} 12-step do-it-yourself Usenet illiteracy program!
}
} 1.  Abandon your spell checker.  Delete it if you just
}     can't help yourself.  If it wasn't serious enough
}     of an error to catch it the first time, it's not
}     serious enough to correct.
}
} 2.  Start making the "common" mistakes, such as agreement
}     between pronouns and antecedents.  Use sentences
}     such as "Someone left their umbrella here."
}
} 3.  Begin ending sentences with prepostions, or begin
}     with conjunctions.  When you feel comfortable with this,
}     try to do both in the same sentence.
}
} 4.  Shift moods and tenses at will.
}
} 5.  Shift number at will.  Lose any comprehension of the
}     words "singular" and "plural" before continuing.
}
} 6.  Now is the time to begin losing controll of your spelling.
}     Have fun and develop your personnel grammatic quirks.
}
} 7.  All ways incorrectly use "your", "you're" and "yore".
}
} 8.  Lose controll of your vowells , not in public please.
}     Also. now is a good time to begin taping fingers together
}     before atempting to type.  bEGIN using 2 for two, R for
}     are, and etc.
}
} 9.  Lose controll fo "it's" and "its.
}
} 10. Punctuate at random
}
} 11. Your allmost finished - just start stabing at the keybored
}     Proceded when you find the caps look key.
}
} 12. Y00 R NOW C0MPL3T3LEE 1LL1T3RIT!!!!  1TS S3W K00L!!!!
}     PAR-T33 ON D00DZ!
}
} U 0 M3 10 BUX!!!!!!


643-06    (8hki9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Considering the contribution of Dick Clark's athletes foot on the Lime
> Jello industry, please tell me how a bowel movement of a rabid chipmunk
> lead to the S Stock Market crash of 1929 which in turn lead to the
> Great Depression of the 19 30's.  Please include references to the
> inflatable rubber duckie industry and Hitler's effect on the Icelandic
> roots of a rotten cheese sandwich.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, I can't tell you. I had this written down in my notebook,
} but in 1929, while I was away answering a question about athelete's
} foot, Benjamin Disraeli on route to a conference slipped up on surplus
} to requirements lime jello, and hit his head. This lead to dementia,
} and statements such as "Thank God for men like Hitler". Hearing this on
} the radio, a disgusted Icelendic person threw a rotten cheese sandwich
} out the window (saving his own life) whereupon it was eaten by a
} squirrel. The squirrel then attempted to hide the remains of the
} sandwich in the wheel compartment of a passenger airplane. During
} flight, the freezing squirrel released a bowel movement, which due to
} the rotten cheese sandwich was of such acidity that it ate a hole in
} the plane. The plane depressurised, and crashed on an inflatable rubber
} duckie factory.
}
} Unfortunately, due to a lack of computing power in 1929, the stock
} market was evaluated by a huge room of accountants who only watched one
} stock, the T.M.N. Appleton inflatable rubber duckie company. The
} destruction of the factory cause the shares to plummet, and soon all
} the great financial brains of the generation were spattered all over
} pavements. This caused most financial districts to have a constant
} 'pock' noise in the background as cranial cavities hit the footpaths.
} Being annoyed by this noise, and not yet having my ZOT in commission, I
} threw the notebook at them.
}
} And that, dear supplicant, is why I'm unable to tell you.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new notebook.


643-07    (2bksb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omnipresent Oracle, whose knowledge exceeds even '42':
>
> Where do I get hot dog buns outside America?
>
>    Hungry

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hot dog buns? Why would you want to eat hot dog buns outside America
} when there is a world full of over-seasoned, non-nutritious, food of
} suspect origin to choose from. Here are some other choices you may like
} to consider:
}
} (1) England. Scampi and chips. Bite-sized pieces of fish from the
} country that builds all its nuclear power stations at the seaside and
} has an "Official Secrets Act" in law.
}
} (2) Japan. Gyu-don. Cheap food including beef from the country where
} beef is more expensive than anywhere else. Yes, you get 0.2 grams of
} beef in an unidentifiable brown sauce on top of, you guessed it, a
} large bowl of rice. Japan gets extra points for junk-food tourists by
} having a common dish called "taco" that turns out to be octopus.
}
} (3) Singapore. Satay. Yes, in this hot and humid island paradise you
} can eat skewered freshly cooked pieces of meat in a peanut sauce from a
} street vender with no fridge.
}
} (4) New Zealand. Hangi. Dig a hole in the ground, thow in a few hot
} rocks, throw in the food, and bury it. Wouldn't be a bad idea, except
} they dig the food up again and eat it.
}
} (5) France. No name here, as the number one food country specialises in
} hundreds of different ways of serving a small cube of something in a
} huge plate covered by a thin layer of sauce. Those who speak french can
} pretend not to and be delighted by the way the waiter refers to them as
} "stinking ignorant pig-dogs".
}
} (6) China. Manju. Yes, steamed buns with a surprise inside. And, unless
} you can read the menu, it truly is a surprise. What are these? Duck's
} feet?
}
} You owe the Oracle a 5 pound jar of Monosodium Glutamate and a health
} insurance policy.


643-08    (8smb3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: km4rb@aol.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mighty Oracle,
> How do you feel about frogs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm touched, so often in this line of work people mearly use
} you, Oh oracle tell me...Oh oracle I want to know.
} They never take the time to ask how I am, and often they
} even forget to offer me some praise or thanks, again I say
} I'm  touched, and thank you.  *wipes tear from eye*
}
} How do I feel about frogs? I like them alot, especially
} the marshmellow ones.
}
} You owe the Oracle three tonnes of Freddos


643-09    (csn54 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: km4rb@aol.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In 1945 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill made a proposal
> to Soviet leader Josef Stalin regarding the placement of troops
> in Poland and the Balkan nations.  Was this proposal in agreement
> with the conditions involving wartime Britain and did it provide the
> initial spark which ignited the Cold War.  Please justify your answer
> with historical documentation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask.  I've got Winnie and Joe here with me.  Let's
} ask. Hey, uh, Churchy!  Get your ancient behind over here, will ya?
} [Churchill sits staidly and says nothing.]  No wisdom to impart?
} [Nothing.]
}
} *sigh*  Let's try his buddy.  Joe, quit stallin' and come talk with me.
} [Stalin does not move.]  Hello?  Joe...  Joe?  YO!  WAKE UP!
}
} I was afraid of that.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they're
} dead.  You'll have to submit your questions a bit earlier next time...
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid".


643-10    (4doo7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me what the heck is wrong with me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see. Go run around the block twice. Now, write a poem. Now, think
} carefully about your loved one.
}
} OK, Chromosome 14, Gene 2563, change the GC pairing to an AT.
}     Chromosome 66, Gene 1445, change the AT pairing to a TA.
}     Chromosome 12, Gene 0233, change the GC pairing to a CG.
}
} That should get rid of most of the remaining bugs.
}
} You owe The Oracle a bucketfull of reverse transcriptase, a set of
} monogrammed beakers, and a flowchart stencil.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org