} Scene: an English country lane, flanked by rolling hills and very,
} VERY low-lying hedges. Entering the field of vision on the viewer's
} right, a Rolls Royce Phantom V idles effortlessly down the lane. From
} view left, an Edsel, rusting out slightly and running on one, maybe two
} cylinders. The cars converge, and the driver of the Edsel sticks out a
} limb and flags down the Rolls' chauffeur.
} L. Supplicant: meets every stereotype. Foolish, haphazard, deprived
} of sex. Easily confused, should not be allowed out alone. The thought
} of him driving a car on the wrong side of the road is mind-numbingly
} The Oracle: (hey! I'll cast whomever I damn well please!) What can
} be said which would do adequate justice? The ultimate. God asks him
} for advice.
} The Chauffeur: played by Sean Connery. Has seen (almost) as much as
} his master. Beware if he delivers you a fish.
} Fade in to rustic bird-like sounds, subtle purring of the Rolls,
} contrasted with the gawd-awful cacophony of the Edsel.
} Supplicant: "Hey, jerk! Move that boat off the road! Oh, and pardon
} me, SIR, do you have a grey baton?"
} Chauffeur: "One moment please, _sir_. [Supplicant shivers; Chauf.
} turns to O.] M'lord, this...gentleman has asked for the grey baton.
} Shall I deliver it, or would you like to?"
} [A muffled reply emanates over the car's intercom system]
} Chauffeur: "Very well, m'lord. [returns to pleb] Yes, sir, would you
} care to step out of your car for a moment?"
} Supp.: "Huh? Ok, whatever." [exits car. engine sputters noisily]
} [Chauf. exits car, walks several yards to its trunk, and removes an
} innocuous silver-grey wand, about an inch in diameter, and maybe 10
} inches long.]
} Chauf.: "Is this what you need, sir?"
} Supp.: "No, hang on, that's not mustard, is it? No, wait! What are
} you doing? [Chauf. is extending telescopic lengths from within the
} baton] Hey! Put that down! I'll call the cops!!! HEY!!!"
} [Blurred frenzy of motion. Many loud, painful thunks and crashes arise
} from the cloud. Dust settles. Supp. is lying in a bloody heap, devoid
} of any humanoid form. Chauf. is retracting telescopic baton, carefully
} wiping off any contaminants from its surface with a chamois. He
} returns to the driver's seat.]
} Chauf.: "All taken care of, m'lord. He won't be asking any questions
} about...THEM anymore."
} [Through the tinted rear window, we see Oracle's hand make a gesture so
} as to say 'Carry on' to his driver. The car pulls away almost
} silently, as the Edsel's engine succumbs to fate somewhat less gory
} than its driver. With a cough and a backfire it stops, spewing noxious
} waste onto a curious woodland creature not unlike a woodchuck which
} happened to be foolish enough to enter itself into the situation. From
} off-screen we hear a rumbling, fearsome roar of laughter, the revving
} of an engine of "adequate power output", and the gradual return of the
} serene aural qualities of the countryside.]