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Internet Oracularities #644

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644, 644-01, 644-02, 644-03, 644-04, 644-05, 644-06, 644-07, 644-08, 644-09, 644-10


Usenet Oracularities #644    (70 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 17 Apr 1994 22:18:59 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   644
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

644   70 votes 6inf8 htk22 8hqe5 6etg5 8fnf9 cqh87 gdie9 dqi94 fol46 4dimd
644   2.8 mean  3.0   2.2   2.9   3.0   3.0   2.6   2.8   2.5   2.5   3.4


644-01    (6inf8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who's shoes I am unworthy to slobber upon, please
> dignify my question with a response.
>
> Why is it that when I go to lectures, I seem to have trouble staying
> awake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The effect of students going to sleep in lectures is well known, and
} Billy Graham has recently been hired to investigate this problem.
}
}                        A       COMPARISON
}
}                ROCK CONCERT                    LECTURES
}                ------------                    --------
} CLOTHES:       Spandex                         Grey Suit
} STARTING TIME: "When the spirit moves us man"  2pm
} AUDIO/VISUAL:  Lasers/Projection Screen        OHPs
} DRINK:         Beer/Recreational Drugs         Water
} SOUND SYSTEM:  32 Channels 40,000 watts        Lapel Mic
} INTERMISSION:  Drum Solo                       5 minutes
} ENCORES:       Yes                             Only just before exams
} SWEATING:      Yes                             Only just before exams
} RECORDING:     Hidden Micro-DAT recorder in    Pen and Paper
}                  bootleg
} HANDOUTS:      Glossy Full-Colour Program      Photocopies
} EQUIPMENT:     Synthesisers                    Slide Rule
} DANCING:       Yes                             Only when cancelled
}
} Your university has now sacked all of your professors, and your promise
} to be more interesting from now own.
}
} You owe The Oracle a bootleg recording of "Advanced Calculus III" in a
} 2CD package with fold-out artwork.


644-02    (htk22 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise, Humble, and praise-worthy Oracle, would thou kindly answer my
> question?
>
>       Why is it that people tend to run in "cliques," often
> chastizing, and humiliating those who "don't belong" in the "cool"
> group? And why do the people in the "cool" group also seem to be the
> most immoral?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are totally and utterly confused!  Cool people are completely
} sane, well-balanced and generally untroubled by fears, insecurities
} and personal eccentricities that afflict everyone else.  Cool people
} are not afraid of dogs.  They get along well with machines.  They
} never abuse power.  They like themselves - all the time.  They are
} never bossy or aggressive.  They don't nag.  They know how to take
} a joke.  These people do nothing to excess.  No, nothing.  They have
} no bad habits, no weakness, no little fetishes.  They are always
} methodical and logical.  Reasonable, even.  Yes, these are people
} who open every piece of correspondence they receive immediately and
} pay all accounts promptly.
}
} Isn't that incredible?  Perfect, completely sane and rational human
} beings.  The rest of humanity is so uncool.  The problem is that there
} is precisely zero cool people in the entire world.  No cool people on
} the planet Earth!  That's right.  It seems just incredible, considering
} The Renaissance, The Age of Reason, Sigmund Freud and executive toys!
} Personally, I'm amazed there are so many.


644-03    (8hqe5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was young I worked as a programmer at an add agency, and I
> learned. Not that I am old I worked at DEC and learned nothing.
> It's been 10 weeks since I've worked.
> When will I get another consulting job ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is just part of my old adage:
}
} The young learn through working.  The old work at DEC.
}
} What you really need is my quick course on DEC rehabilitation called:
}
}               "Fired from DEC: Youth Serum of the 90's"
}
} Step One:
}       Don't work at DEC.  This is a lot easier than it looks.  It
}       looks so hard because all the other consultants think they
}       need to look like they're working.  Remember: They're OLD and
}       You're leaving DEC.
}
} Step Two:
}       Throw out that VT-whatever that they gave you to take home so
}       you could work during sick leave.  You aren't working for DEC
}       anymore.  Besides, the old VT100 had a small resistor in it
}       that was designed to blow every 100 hours of operation to keep
}       the consultants busy.  You think the new model is any
}       different?  Remember: If you aren't working For DEC, you
}       aren't working With DEC.
}
} Step Three:
}       Burn all the old VAX/VMS manuals you have.  The best way to do
}       this is to use the old DEC RSX-11 manuals as kindling.  They
}       should be pretty dry by now, so they'll start with no problem.
}       DON'T do this at home.  That would be dangerous.  Better do it
}       at the office (well, your old office -- you don't WORK at DEC
}       anymore).  Don't let the DEC employees deter you with idle
}       talk.  Remember: You aren't working for DEC, so you don't have
}       to listen to DEC employees.
}
} Step Four:
}       You got to Step Four!  You've got real potential!  The
}       exercise you've been getting for the past week has you feeling
}       better already.  Stacking DEC manuals is better than weight
}       training!  Now, buy an SGI Workstation with the money DEC paid
}       you NOT to burn those manuals.  (You better take the bribe in
}       Step Three.)  These things don't really come with manuals of
}       their own.  You can play their demo program until the hard
}       drive crashes.  Remember: If it isn't made by DEC, it's not a
}       DEC product.  OK!
}
} Step Five:
}       Go to work for SGI Tech support.  You still won't be working,
}       but you'll learn a lot about WHY you aren't working.  (Mainly
}       described by their motto and catch phrase, "We don't know why
}       it does that!")
}
} You owe the oracle a 3 ton truck for the latest release of VAX/VMS.


644-04    (6etg5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm in the middle of a comp sci class ready to fall asleep.  How can I
> fall asleep and look like I'm awake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paint small blue circles with black dots on your eyelids.
}
} May I just comment here that your ability to stay awake is not your
} fault. Don't these comp sci profs KNOW that the maximum awareness
} period of a young computer nerd is 2 - 3 in the morning? What do they
} do, have lectures at 10am in the morning, that's what.
}
} As per normal, it'll take until the next generation gets through before
} comp sci classes have any reasonable correspondence to the computing
} culture we live in.
}
} Here's a preview of what will happen in about 20 years time, when you
} yourself, supplicant, will be a full professor. Academic dress will be
} black jeans and a t-shirt. Flames in exam papers will be given full
} credit. All exam rooms will have a direct line to the Oracle. Space
} will be left on the front page of exam papers for huge .sigs. Happy
} days, but what of the students?
}
} (scan to scene of very tired looking students. All of them are neatly
}  and conservatively dressed, with neatly combed hair and big
}  white-toothed smiles. They look like a 200 strong Osmand family).
}
} "What's this guy think he's doing? It's 2am in the morning."
} "We should be praying. Aren't classes meant to start with prayer?"
} "This guy is pre-SRC you know."
} "What's that?"
} "You know, when usenet used to have lots of newsgroups. Before the big
}  crash."
} ALL: "The Big Crash!" AMEN!
} "I see, so he used usenet before the big crash that deleted all of the
}  newsgroups except soc.religion.christianity."
} "The poor man. We must save him."
} "He may have even been reading alt.sex.bestiality."
} "Shame on you! saying such a thing. I'll tell the priest on you!"
} "I'm sorry, I slipped. It's 2am...... Please don't tell, I'll pray for
}  forgiveness."
}
} You owe The Oracle a crucifixion screen-saver.


644-05    (8fnf9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you send me any C-programs ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /* Yes, sure */
}
} int *sigfn();
}
} main()
} { int signalNum;
}
}   printf( "This program deduces the meaning of life\n" );
}   printf( "Please wait a moment\n" );
}
}   signal( 2, sigfn );
}   signal( 3, sigfn );
}
}   sleep( 256745 );
} }
}
} sigfn()
} { printf( "Oh no, you killed me just as I was going to\n");
}   printf( "tell you the answer\n" );
}   exit( 0 );
} }


644-06    (cqh87 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <ZOT!> me, baby...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "All right!  Nothing doing honey!"
}
} [Ground rumbles]
}
} ZZZZZ
}    Z   OOO
}   Z   O   O  T --  *squip*   *THUNK*
}  Z     OOO
} ZZZZZ
}
} [Stares blankly at glowing heap of energy on floor.  Looks up again,
}    not in the least bit pleased]
} "Okay, who's the bonehead who greased my Zot Gun?!"
} Lisa poked her head around the corner.  "Nobody, dearie.  Remember how
}    you left it out in the rain last night?  Eeew, what's THAT thing on
}    the carpet?""
} "Crap!  The rain rusted it!  You know how much this thing cost?!!!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Zotter.
}
} *Click*  "Hello, room service?  I was wondering if you had any anti-
}    matter dustpans?  ..."


644-07    (gdie9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have to shower before getting into the gene pool?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Curiously, most shower after getting out.
}
} You owe the Oracle.


644-08    (dqi94 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O pious Oracle, whose historic answers are of mythic proportions,
> please tell me:
>
> Do satyrs celebrate seder?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's kind of hard to circumcise a butterfly.
}
} The Oracle requests that you check a dictionary for the tertiary
} definition of "satyr"


644-09    (fol46 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you send me any C-programms ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deer Supplicant,
}
} Sure!  Here's my favorite one.  Remmember, if it doesn't work, be sure
} to blame your commpiler.
}
} <call this "hello.c">
}
} #include <stidiot.h>
}
} mane()
}
}       prindf("Helllo, werld.\m)
} }
}
} You owe the Oracle a speling and gramer checker, written in C.


644-10    (4dimd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle, whose name I cannot prononce without hearing sounds
>  of majestic horns over the mountains, of rivers full of pure
>  and clear water going down those mountains and visions of gold
>  and silver, please Oracle answer my question!
>
>      After years of painful studies, polls and chips munching
>   in front of a RCA TV with the two dalmatians, me and my
>   faithful research team found something troubling. We cannot
>   sleep at night without horrible nightmares. I even look back
>   a couple of times when I go out. So please Oracle, answer
>   this insignificant mumbling :
>
>      Are you David Letterman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Synaesthetic Supplicant:
}
} you asked for it...
}
} TOP 10 REASONS THE ORACLE IS NOT DAVE
} -------------------------------------
} 10. Dave doesn't really stay up until 12:30.
}  9. Potential risk of exposure to Madonna's undergarments too high.
}  8. The Oracle doesn't have a mom.
}  7. The Oracle Orchestra is led by a noneffeminate American.
}  6. @indiana.edu, not @ge.com
}  5. The Oracle doesn't own a gorilla suit or break merchandise for the
}     sake of breaking it.
}  4. The Oracle was asked to host the Tonight show, but refused due to
}     disembodiment.
}  3. When Cher slapped the Oracle, she got <zot>'d.
}  2. The Oracle moves info at the speed of sound without attracting the
}     attention of the Connecticut Highway Patrol.
}  1. The Oracle is funny 99.7% of the time.
}
} Yours truly,
}
} Jay Leno


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