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Internet Oracularities #645

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645, 645-01, 645-02, 645-03, 645-04, 645-05, 645-06, 645-07, 645-08, 645-09, 645-10


Usenet Oracularities #645    (82 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 13:01:50 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   645
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

645   82 votes nzd74 gksf3 6qml7 gku97 akmka 3hmz5 8soh5 ejrd9 9psg4 5dwp7
645   2.8 mean  2.2   2.6   3.0   2.6   3.0   3.3   2.8   2.8   2.8   3.2


645-01    (nzd74 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O all-knowing Oracle, whose self-referential answers are like questions
> unto themselves, please tell me:
>
> What question should I ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you think?


645-02    (gksf3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                            WOODCHUCK MAN
>                              a song by
>                      They Might Be Supplicants
>                      ---- ----- -- -----------
>
>        Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man
>        Doing the things a Woodchuck can
>        What's he like?  It's not important
>        Woodchuck Man
>
>                                Is he calm?  Or running amuck?
>                                When he's in wood, does he chuck?
>                                Or does the wood get him instead?
>                                Nobody knows.
>                                Woodchuck Man
>
>        Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>        Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man
>        They have a fight, Oracle wins.
>        Oracle Man
>
>                                Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man
>                                Really Annoying Supplicant Man
>                                Usually asks about Woodchuck Man
>                                Supplicant Man
>
>        He's got a watch with a minute hand,
>        Millenium hand and an eon hand
>        When they meet it's a happy land
>        Powerful man, Supplicant Man
>
>                                Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>                                Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man
>                                They have a fight
>                                Oracle wins
>                                Oracle Man

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you can't expect me to be impressed by johnny-come lately
} songs. I was there at the beginning you know, look at these:
}
} >From: colonel.tom.parker@sun-records.com
} >Subject: O wise one, please tell me
} >
} >Oracle, who dances better than any of my chickens. I've got this
} >stunning new dance act, but the chickens keep breaking their backs
} >with the gyrations. What should I do?
}
} >From: john.lennon@beatles.star-club.hamburg.de
} >Subject: Kind Oracle, tell me
} >
} >Oracle. Pete Best says that you're a load of shite and we
} >shouldn't listen to your advice. What shall we do?
}
} >From: david.gilmour@pink-floyd.com
} >Subject: O magnificent Oracle, please tell me
} >
} >Most maginficent Oracle, please spare some of your amazing
} >intelligence for this pathetic question. Our ^%$$%$ engineer put some
} >of the tapes in backwards and they sound all garbled. Is this going to
} >be a serious problem?
}
} >From: alex.patterson@orb.co.uk
} >Subject: Floating and really acid Oracle, please tell me
} >
} >Fantastic Oracle, who can maintain interest longer than any of our
} >mixes. Please excuse this wormlike mortal for questioning your words,
} >but are you sure we should mix out the vocals?
}
} You owe The Oracle an orginal copy of Martha Hunt doing "Man, don't
} give me no more grief" out on Star-Tone records, the issue with the "P"
} in the catalogue number printed upside down.


645-03    (6qml7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No I won't grovel!
>
> You just aren't worth it!!
>
> Day after day I ask you questions, often very well thought out
> questions and 90% of the time all I get back is crap!!!
>
> *WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH . . . YOU?*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows all and sees all, as most are aware. It's a little
} known fact that The Oracle also contracts all. Hence, I have anthrax,
} AIDS, cough, cold, flu, measles, chickenpox, cancer, syphilis,
} gonorrhea, the mumps, bronchitis, diarrhoea, kuru, gammy leg, polio,
} and thousands of other inconvenient infections.
}
} And, so I must apologise for the quality of my answers. I haven't been
} feeling very well lately.


645-04    (gku97 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, O great Oracle, do sentence fragments bother me so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because ...


645-05    (akmka dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you send me any C-programs ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could, but I do not think you are C-worthy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dramamine.


645-06    (3hmz5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dewdrops on diskettes,
> Corn fritter noodles,
> Fresh toner cartridges,
> Bi-sexual poodles!
>
> Blue hessian noteboards,
> Tied up with string,
> Tell me Oracle -
> What are a few of your favorite things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Groveling supplicants humbly abasing,
} Folks who hear Primus and dislike what they sing,
} Leather on Lisa and whips with a sting,
} These are a few of My favorite things!
}
} When the core dumps,
} When you've got mumps,
} And you're feeling bad,
} Dear supplicant, think of your favorite things,
} But frankly, I think --
} You're mad!
}
} You owe the Oracle a two-disc set of "The Sound of Music Man".


645-07    (8soh5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who are you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you need to listen to the advertising jingle again. Cue the
} music guys...
}
}       (bom biddy bom bom bom biddy bom bom)
}
}       Who's the guy, that answers every 'why', ORACLE!
}       Who's that being, that translates every dream, ORACLE!
}       When you pondering the secrets of the universe
}       The Oracle's the guy with whom you should converse
}
}       (da ba doobah doobah)
}
}       O is for Omnipotence
}       R is for Readiness
}       A is for Astounding
}       C is for Confounding
}       L is for Legendary
}       E is for Egalitary
}
}       (parp parpitty paaaa)
}
}       O .. R .. A .. C .. L .. E .. RAH RAH RAH
}       O .. R .. A .. C .. L .. E .. That spells ORACLE!
}
}       (bom biddy bom bom bom biddy bom bom)
}
}       Who's the ant, that pays a huge amount SUPPLICANT!
}
} ... Ooops! Hey you guys down there, I thought you had the new version
} ready to roll.
}
} You owe The Oracle $234,900.33, all major credit cards accepted.


645-08    (ejrd9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you send me any C-programs ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /* zen.c */
}
} main()
} {
} }


645-09    (9psg4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh smokey one on High...
>  Why does Bill keep in denial, and weep about the
> nasty 1980's as money grubbers?
> BTW, lend me  a thousand for some cattle futures, Hillary is my trader.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fields with Flowers, Bill could sleep,
} Beside still Whitewater, Hillary did keep,
} Money and futures her passion for the take,
} For when Bill was at home, he could not stay awake.
}
} The eighties gave Bill an exciting life,
} He could play, and romp not fearing his wife,
} She, with the brains, a money grubber herself,
} Dragged poor Bill along to power and wealth.
}
} Of course he can't see the err of his ways,
} The past is obscured by an odd Purple Haze,
} He now seems confused as each charge is detailed,
} Difficult to believe that he never inhaled!


645-10    (5dwp7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, Master of all Knowledge. Please could you tell me why you
> can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
>
> There's a ten spot in it for you if you get it right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This bit of oft-quoted and much paraphrased folk wisdom (e.g. "You can
} expose a student to knowledge, but you can't make him think.") was
} actually scientifically tested only once.  Using a randomly chosen set
} of horses and students (the control group), behavioral science
} researchers at Purdue Univ. isolated them at a glacial pothole lake
} outside Roadapple Indiana and issued the command "Drink!" over
} loudspeakers at hourly intervals for two weeks.  Overall, 52% of the
} horses and 35% of the students did, in fact, obey the command; but the
} percentages tended to drop off as the experiment progressed.
}
} As a point of interest, these same researchers tested the parallel
} "expose/student/knowledge/think" theory with the same test set.  After
} an instrumented exposure of one semester to Business Math 105, the
} passing rate for the students was 35%; whereas the horses, stomping out
} the answers with their right foreleg, achieved a passing rate of 83%.
}
} The Oracle does not like the implication that IF the Oracle has the
} right answer he will get ten bucks.  The Oracle always has the right
} answers!!  You owe the Oracle ten bucks.


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