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Internet Oracularities #646

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646, 646-01, 646-02, 646-03, 646-04, 646-05, 646-06, 646-07, 646-08, 646-09, 646-10


Usenet Oracularities #646    (76 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:45:18 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   646
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

646   76 votes axl93 4arnc fnp85 bnli3 3ngnb 6irh8 2jBe4 5isi7 fln89 5illb
646   2.9 mean  2.5   3.4   2.5   2.7   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.1   2.7   3.2


646-01    (axl93 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most linguistic & linguine-loving Oracle,
>
> Why must there be so many languages in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People find the need to think of new ways of asking:
}   You have a beautiful farm. May I sleep with your daughter?
} and the language naturally follows.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new farm, with all the trimmings.


646-02    (4arnc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the internet is a tool of the devil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       No!!!        There       isn't
}     any          way         the
}    life-        blood       of the
}    computer    geeks  of   the world
}    is a  tool  of  satan.  If it were,
}    by     now  you  would  have  seen
}    some  kind  of   sign.  Just  look
}     around!     Nothing     strange
}      to see      at all,     spud.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mechanical alarm clock, a copy of Cooking with
} Carol Channing, and one of those cute dog-shaped candles with sad eyes.


646-03    (fnp85 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What in the world is a 'Script of the Green Card Lottery'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a form of chain mail where you send out 9000 messages and
} get 30,000 in return. It's illegal for everyone except lawyers.


646-04    (bnli3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Ok, my first time to use the Oracle... I'm searching for two
> databases I have heard of referring to obtaining scholarships/grants...
> I've used Gopher/Veronica as well as the WWW with little success... I
> have managed to find the address to one of the databases, IRIS
> (uxh.cso.uiuc.edu) but I have not figured what to log in as... The
> other database I have been told about is knows as "Stanford University
> Scholarships and Fellowships File"... I gophered all over the Stanford
> area looking for this one, no luck... Anything you can do to point me
> in the right direction would be greatly appreciated... TIA
>
> TA/DA/BE/DH - Peace

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually the great and mighty Oracle requires a grovel,
} but since you are a neopthye, and yet unknowing of the
} customs of the Oracle, I will forgo the usual zot.
}
} You should have put Archie on top of Veronica
} and logged in as Jughead. The password is sugar sugar.
}
} And as far as Stanford goes, I hear that they are out
} of business. They were annexed by UCLA.


646-05    (3ngnb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.CS.McGill.CA>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Seduction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INTERIOR -- A MANSION.
}
} CLOSE-UP on a woman's hand which is on a bottle of perfume.  In the
} background, out of focus, is a blue glowing rectangle.  We hear a
} tapping sound.
}
}                               WOMAN
}                       Seduction.  The one way.
}
} Focus changes to show that in the background is a rather non-descript
} terminal.  A man sits at it, typing.  His eyes are glazed over, he is
} roughly shaven, and he pays no attention to the woman.
}
} Cut to the lower half of the woman's face.
}
}                               WOMAN
}                       Seduction.  The only way.
}
} The camera pulls back to show her upper torso as she strides
} confidently towards the man.  She places her hand on his shoulder.  He
} does not move except to continue typing.
}
} Close-up on her hand, reaching for a bottle of perfume.  She sprays it
} across the man's face.  He sneezes.
}
}                               WOMAN
}                             Seduction.
}
}                             VOICE-OVER
}                   Sometimes it's the only way...
}                       to get his attention.
}
} Camera follows the man's hand as he wipes his nose, then resumes
} typing. Then the camera cuts to the woman's face.
}
}                               WOMAN
}                              Dammit!
}
} Blackout.  On-screen the word "Seduction".
}
}                             VOICE-OVER
}                       It may not always work...
}                     but, hey, it was worth a try.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Joey Buttafuoco's "Lolita".


646-06    (6irh8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you like Mondays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every Monday, Oracle is halted, and put into single-supplicant mode,
} and then rebooted.  This done in order to remove those few supplicant
} processes that refuse to ZOT! (also known as zombie-supplicants).
} The whole procedure takes only a minute or two.
}
} Do I like Mondays?
} No, Mondays always bring me down.


646-07    (2jBe4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You want fries with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you must be aware, the question you have so bluntly put forward is
} one that has toubled many great thinkers for centuries.  Whether it is
} better to be ruled by the instinctive urge to devour cholesterol-packed
} food substances, or to abstain and not have a heart attack?
}
} It is said that many years ago when a certain great philosopher was
} offered a plate of grease-laden fried tubers,  he found himself so
} completely unable to deal with the tremendous implications of the
} situation that he gave up philosophy completely and was later seen
} working as a turnip farmer.
}
} Yet a question so profound cannot slip through the grasp of The
} Oracle's infinite clairvoyance.
}
} So I give you your answer.
}
} YES GIVE ME THE FRIES
}
} Not that The Oracle has any intention of consuming this vile food
} product.  Rather the oil pressed from it will serve quite niceley to
} light The Oracle's Lamp of Infinite Knowledge for a great many weeks,
} as well as to fuel the power generator for The Oracle's Computer of
} Grandiose Wisdom and Internet Connectivity.
}
} You owe The Oracle one tofu burger.


646-08    (5isi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wonderous and spiffy Oracle, who's inner light is brighter than
> the counter at Krispy Kream Doughnuts; please oh please, enlighten
> this earnest seeker.
>
>  Okay, I have the power glove on my right hand and a tube of Jiffy
> Lube in my left. I'm wearing the virtual reality goggles and I've got
> the cuff on my thingy. I can see Claudia Schiffer in front of me, but
> when my mom starts running the vacuum cleaner she turns into Larry
> Holmes. What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracular Consumer Watch Action Group (OCWAG) investigated your
} complaint by contacting SexSoRealCo.  Their spokesmodel, "Buffy"
} LaTour, gave the following written statement:
}
}                    x             x             x
} 15 April
} From: SexSoRealCo.  "Makers of Fine 'Experiences'"
} To: OCWAG; c/o The Usenet Oracle
}
} Dear Sirs:
}   All of SexSoRealCo.'s products have built-in DePrivacyGuard(tm)
} algorithms, which, when activated by sounds obviously not generated
} by the user (a door opening, somebody else's voice, etc.) remove
} the active simulation and replace it with a non-sexually related
} one, in order to protect the user's privacy and health.
}   This guard of one's actions was first developed for various
} computer games, to allow the players to seem to be doing productive
} work when a supervisor was present, but it had to be manually
} activated.  The DePrivacyGuard(tm) is fully automated, an asset
} which allows the user to concentrate on his action at hand.  It cannot
} be overridden, but has the advantage of detecting intrusions before
} the user might.
}   The scene from the LarryHolmesTron(tm) is the pilot software product
} of our affiliated venture, RealLiveSportsCo.  Researchers have found
} the LarryHolmesTron(tm) and similar high-intensity sports simulators
} to relieve stress in the workplace, and can be found in the board
} rooms and gymnasiums of many Fortune 500 corporations.  We are very
} proud of this new venture, and I hope your client can understand our
} desire to include promotional demos of it in our products.
}   However, there have been understandable complaints about the reaction
} sensitivity of the DePrivacyGuard(tm), which SexSoRealCo. has addressed
} with revision 1.3.  The revision offers an adjustable sensitivity
} threshold, ranging from nonresponsive to extrasensitive.  Upgrades for
} the ClaudiaSchifferTron(tm) are available to users who mail in the
} cover of their current manual along with $28 for shipping and handling
} (add $12 for RUSH service, $15 for guaranteed delivery, $11 for fast
} check clearance, and $23 for PrivacySecured(tm) packaging).
}   We apologise for any inconvenience caused to your client, and hope
} that in the future we can satisfy him fully.
}                                                Hugs,
}                                               "Buffy" LaTour


646-09    (fln89 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I beg of you, share your wisdom with me.
>
> Not long ago, I had the opportunity to participate in an architectural
> expedition in an ancient part of New England.
>
> We excavated a high tor and found beneath it a room full of dusty
> scraps of paper, and on the wall, an inscription, which we eventually
> deciphered. It read:
>
> "In two rooms full of typography, In downtown Boston, dread Kibo sits
> grepping."
>
> What, oh mighty Oracle, does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kibo was of three newsgroups,
} Like a FAQ
} In which there are three keywords.
}
} Kibo whirled in binary spurts.
} It was a small part of the internet.
}
} A user and a moderator
} Are one.
} A user, a moderator, and Kibo
} Are one.
}
} Kibo knew which to prefer,
} The flattery of omnipresence
} Or the cheapness of overexposure.
} Cyberrecognition
} Or cyberscorn.
}
} Netlag filled the 23x81 screen
} With barbaric line noise.
} The keyword Kibo
} Crossed it, to and fro.
} The flamers
} cursing indecipherably
} Felt unquenchable envy.
}
} O skinny adolescents at keyboards,
} Why do you imagine windowed interfaces?
} Do you not see how Kibo
} Trips the light fandango
} With mere Unix commands?
}
} I know how to compose diacriticals
} Or telnet to sites in Finland.
} But I know, too,
} That Kibo is involved
} In what I know.
}
} When Kibo flew out of sight
} Others lurked on his behalf
} On the edges of many circles.
}
} The Net is expanding.
} Kibo must be grepping.
}
} Rough music rattled Sprintnet.
} Information was flowing
} And information was going to flow.
} Kibo lurked
} In the cyberspace.
}
} You owe the Oracle no possum, no sop, and no taters.


646-10    (5illb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To be or not to be.
>
> (That is the question)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            DEC/Oracle Marketing Survey: 17-April-94
}
}                          I N V O I C E
}
} To testing questionnaire over 10,000 ABC1 in Manchester Market Street.
}
} To being or not being.               $2500.00.
} To suffering slings and arrows.      $3200.47.
} To outrageous fortune.               $  57.86 each-way on Digsby
}                                         in 3:30 Chepstow. Came 4th.
} To sleeping (dreams extra).               FOC
} To dreams                            $1082.46.
} To Magic Candles (never go out).     $   0.46.
} To poor players' wages               $   0.02.
} To floodlighting for walking shadows $ 382.47.
} To sound effects.                    $1092.32.
}
} TOTAL                                $8315.97 + VAT.
} ======================================================================
}
} Results:
}
} 95% people were, 2% of people were not, and 3% didn't know. 57% people
} suffered, of which 32% were wearing slings, and 1% arrows (an escaped
} prisoner).
}
} 24% of people had been to an off-course bookmaker within the last 7
} days, of which 86% said fortune was outrageous, 25% said you win some,
} you lose some, and 4% said they paid the tax before. 3% said you
} should always back top weight in a handicap.
}
} 57% of people had dreams while they were asleep, 12% while they were
} not asleep, and 16% did not dream. The remainder were dreaming when
} we asked them and we did not feel it fair to disturb them.
}
} The poor players were cheap but dreadful. Consulting our solicitors
} it seems that we would be unlikely to win a case in Chancery on the
} grounds of infringement of the Trade Descriptions Act.
}
} As for stage effects, these were expensive but dreadful. Still, we
} have to make our profit somehow don't we?
}
} Please settle promptly as a ghostly visit at dinner often offends.
}
} Yours
}
} pp. Oracle Market Survey Inc.


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