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Internet Oracularities #647

Goto:
647, 647-01, 647-02, 647-03, 647-04, 647-05, 647-06, 647-07, 647-08, 647-09, 647-10


Usenet Oracularities #647    (73 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 12:21:55 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   647
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

647   73 votes gsh84 4aqkd 2byo2 84gqj 2lnk7 5cgrd kkge3 6nmg6 cehka 6dnjc
647   3.1 mean  2.4   3.4   3.2   3.6   3.1   3.4   2.5   2.9   3.0   3.2


647-01    (gsh84 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bore da, supplicant, sut rydych chi?
} This is an interesting question, in a combined neo-Platonic and
} neo-Calvinist sense, as well as a difficult one to answer, so I
} will try to simplify things for you. If we take a phenomenological
} and allophonic approach, in order to minimize the Gibbs free energy
} while simultaneously avoiding a skirl on the low G of a taorluath,
} and if the quantum effect of the Corinthian sub-order of the Ionic
} order is a homeomorphism, homomorphism, or isomorphism, while an
} emblazonment of a melismatic trope on a final alleluia coexists with
} a vector (in both the mathematical and medical sense), as referenced
} in Roger Ascham's "Toxophilia", and while an interstitial carbon is
} denoted with neumes and Italian lute tablature, but if we consider
} the emergence of three-point perspective combined with the resonance
} structure of a dephlogistinated aromatic hydrocarbon and an
} enantiomeric pair in a racemic mixture with implicit declaration
} in classical sonnet form (Shakesperean, Petrarchan, or Spencerian)
} which can quantum tunnel to the classical sonata rounded binary form
} (exposition, development, and recapitulation), while putting klister
} over glide wax and using messenger RNA and a parry in tierce, so the
} subatomic limit of the Burgundian cadance combined with boustrophedon
} half-uncial, while the fewmets of the questing beast allow the Ring
} Giver of the Geats to find the Argives and the next version of the
} operating system.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of chicken soup. Shaken, not stirred.


647-02    (4aqkd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In an effort to instill the proper awe for your august self into the
> trillions of new commuters on the Information Superhighway, I think
> you need some sort of slogan.  Try these on for size, okay?
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  The Phantom Tollbooth on the Information
>                        Superhighway.
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  Be Afraid.  Be Very Afraid.
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  In Cyberspace, No One Can Hear You Scream ...
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  Zots Backwards-'R' Us
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  What You Get When You Cross Leona Helmsley with
>                        Dave Barry.
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  Not Exactly What Turing Had In Mind
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  The Blender in the Whisky Sour of Life
>
> -- The Usenet Oracle:  Virtual Reality's Answer to Miss Manners on Acid
>
> So, Orrie, what do you think?  Can I get the T-shirt concession?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks for the suggestions, but I think I'll stick with the classic
} "I'm With Stupid --->" shirt. Could you stand to my right, please?


647-03    (2byo2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great and wonderous Oracle, who understands every aspect of
> ninteenth century art and could offer an impeccable formal analysis on
> demand, who knows how to handle people and sterilize the
> unsterilizable, who is so kind that he would stoop to assisting the
> most lowly, pathetic supplicant in his mundane life (the supplicant's,
> not the Oracle's):
>       OK, I have this art appreciation class. I have a paper due
> tomorrow morning, and I still need to think of a topic (not to mention
> writing the actual paper). I need to "think up and write about" some
> topic related to three paintings I picked out earlier: Vetheuil in
> Winter (Monet), The Village of Becquigny (Rousseau), Cologne: The
> Arrival of a Packet-Boat: Evening (Turner). I have no idea what to do.
> I'm clueless--maybe I'm just not cut out to appreciate art.
>       My school is in New York, and my mother is coming up to visit me
> tomorrow, all the way from Minnesota. She's going to arrive during my
> class (when my paper is due). My room is a horrible mess: I have at
> least eight different variety of molds growing on different
> food-splattered portions of the floor. I don't have rats, but I do have
> cockroaches. How do I find time to clean my room, with this paper
> hanging over my head? And, if I can't, since I can't let my mom see how
> I'm living, what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, what you ask is an impossibility. If you had a morsel of
} forethought you would have dumped nineteenth-century art and taken
} Practical Modern Art II instead. Sticking a label on your front door
} marked "Home is where the art is", you could then have then handed in
} your room as your graduation project.
}
} Your mother would still be shocked at how you are living, but the A+
} you'd get would make up for it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the loan of your room for a week at the end of the
} semester when my project's due.


647-04    (84gqj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Grammatically Correct Oracle, my name is Edward D. Underwood,
> and I am a freshman studying English literature at Emily Dickinson
> University. Unfortunately, this gives me the e-mail address of
> edu@edu.edu. Does this make me a nerd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gesundheit.


647-05    (2lnk7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent oracle.  That which even the great Santa Claus
> consults for his naughty/nice list.
>
> Why exactly are you in Indiana?  I thought that the Great Oracle was
> in Delphi, Greece.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       First of all, just because my e-mail address is in Indiana, it
}     doesn't mean that *I* am in Indiana.  It's just a mail-drop.
}     My true whereabouts are seldom known, and I intend to keep it
}     that way, for reasons that should be apparent shortly.
}       The Oracle at Delphi has retired after many centuries of
}     answering pointless and foolish questions.  Everyone knew where
}     he lived, so there was always a line out of the place that went
}     for miles.  The only way he could get any rest was to say to the
}     supplicant at the front of the line, "You are quite fortunate,
}     for I foresee that everyone after you who asks me a question today
}     will meet with an untimely and painful death."  This would spread
}     down the line like wildfire, and Delph' could take the rest of
}     the day off.
}       But he didn't do it often enough, so he burned out.  He's in a
}     nursing home in Asgard (the one in True Olympus is too pricey),
}     and his skills have deteriorated to the point where he's kind of
}     uncertain, even on questions like "Would you please pass the salt?"
}       You think I'm going to wind up like that? No way, so no address.
}     I could be across town--or in the next room--or even in Indiana,
}     but *you'll* never know.
}       You owe the oracle a signed, original editorial cartoon by Tom
}     Toles and a pre-CBS Fender Telecaster.


647-06    (5cgrd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you for real?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Virtually...


647-07    (kkge3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how on *earth* can i possibly do 40 pages of writing in the next
> week? can i just combine all my topics and turn in one 10-page
> paper to 4 classes? is there any way to combine buddhism, philosophy
> of science, and political ranting?
>
> help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Write about Hunter Thompson.


647-08    (6nmg6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, Of Utterance Wise,
> With Impeccable Taste in Neckties,
> If Suppl'cant Poet, of the gnomes,
> Coined most heavenly poems,
> Could he look to achieve Paradise?
>
> Omnisc'ent Oracle, Of Knowledge Divine,
> Your Very Urine is Heavenly Wine!
> Supplicant Poet aspires,
> And works till he tires!
> Can he hope to compose sublime rhyme?
>
> O Wise Oracle, of Golden-Hued Thoughts,
> Who Answers Dumb Questions with Zots,
> If a man with a pizza
> Were to couple with Lisa,
> Pray tell, would it tie you in knots?
>
> Wond'rous Oracle, Brow Studded with Zerkle,
> Who Reclines in the Shade of a Myrtle,
> Do you hear in each verse
> (Though they get worse and worse!)
> That the sound of each stanza's a circle?
>
> Saintly Oracle, With Patience Exhausted,
> Your Cojones Must Surely be Frosted!
> Wilt thou, sorely tried,
> Zot this Poet deep-fried?
> In your life, have you been so accosted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This five-stanza Algebraic Homiletic Reverse Trochee form is both
} rare and sublime.  The poet uses repetition ("Great Oracle";
} "Omnisc'ent Oracle"; "Wise Oracle"; Wond'rous Oracle"; "Saintly
} Oracle") to superb effect, at once both invoking and seducing the
} poetic muse.  The rhymed couplet form is reminiscent of Pope,
} while the references to popular culture (neckties, pizza,
} deep-fried) render it inarguably postmodern.  It is at once
} archaic and refreshingly new, classical and groundbreaking,
} ancient and modern, sin and sacrifice, all in one tantalizingly
} eloquent melange.  I recommend it highly.  A four-star selection.
}
} C.F., writing for the Postmodern Review


647-09    (cehka dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why pi never repeats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've obviously never had my jalapeno 'n' bran quiche.


647-10    (6dnjc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just discovered that I don't have Suranjan's phone number.
> Can you help me out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INDIANA (AP) - Weird occurances seem to be the norm at the
} Computer Science department of the Indiana University .  A
} lot of strange things have happened, bordering on the surreal.
} This is the place where hordes of woodchucks descend upon every
} year.  This is the place where many young students gouge their
} eyes out after seeing a vision of "Lisa", some ghost-like
} apparition that has strange effects on the student body.
}
} One terminal in the computer science department is directly
} hooked up to "The Oracle."  According to local folklore, this
} machine actually connects to a being who was like the Oracle at
} Delphi in Greek mythology.  He would answer all your questions
} and make your dreams come true... for a price.
}
} Many students are firm believers in the Oracle.  They point to
} the student who was suddenly irresistable to women when he
} first walked out of the computer lab and the other student who
} got perfect scores on all his final exams without cracking a
} book.
}
} The latest caper the students are pointing to is another
} student who simply asked the Oracle for a phone number.  He
} never actually received a response from the Oracle, but was
} killed a few days later by having a planeload of telephone
} books dropped on top of him.  According to the pilot, it was an
} accident and he is deeply sorry about the mishap.  Although
} true Oracle believers will say that there is some greater force
} which caused the accident.  Skeptics still claim it was a mere
} coincidence.
}
} Whether or not you believe in the Oracle, there are certain
} facts that cannot be ignored.  If there is no Oracle, who is
} responding to all this Email sent to the Oracle?  Is it all
} just fabricated or is someone really behind it?  And why is
} everything centered around Indiana?  We may never know.


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