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Internet Oracularities #648

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648, 648-01, 648-02, 648-03, 648-04, 648-05, 648-06, 648-07, 648-08, 648-09, 648-10


Usenet Oracularities #648    (81 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 May 1994 16:40:17 -0500

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   648
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

648   81 votes uom32 hun74 2cnpj 1fooh cvjd6 9gnna 5clqh 3fqs9 8mwe5 dgmka
648   3.0 mean  2.0   2.4   3.6   3.5   2.6   3.1   3.5   3.3   2.8   3.0


648-01    (uom32 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our Oracle who art in CS.Indiana.EDU, blessed be Thy name.
> Pray endow thy humble grovelling supplicant with enlightenment:
>
> What exactly *is* the origin of the phrase "Holy mackerel!" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While some fish are prized as delicacies, the mackerel is highly
} regarded for its deep spiritual and ethical values.


648-02    (hun74 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh heavenly great Oracle, Lord of knowledge, tell me...
>
>       The woman I love is ignoring me. My girlfriend (she is not the
> woman I love) loves me. And there is another woman who wants me
> (at least she says so) but I want to keep distance from her. What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd think that after hundreds of thousands of years
} of 'evolution', your species would at least be able to
} follow a simple concept like 'love'.
}
} Hey, moose-2627!  DEFINE love
}     love n. 1a: affection based on admiration or benevolence.
}     3a: unselfish concern that freely accepts another in loyalty
}     and seeks his good.  4a: the attraction based on sexual desire
}     : the affection and tenderness felt by lovers.
}
}     love vt. 2a: to feel a lover's passon, devtion, or tenderness for.
}
} It is pure human folly to have 'affection based on admiration' for
} someone who's ignoring them.  I mean, of all the things this person
} could possibly do to make you interested, isn't ignoring you a pretty
} good offset?  You, sir, have three-times the problem.  It is
} undecidable whether this makes you one-third human or three-times
} human.  But, regardless, it is the Oracle's (divine) opinion that you
} should step out of the evolutionary waiting-room and buy a clue.
}
} Oh, sure.... this human idiosyncrasy has made some great poetry in
} its day.  Helen of Troy could launch ships with her face.  That's
} an admirable trait.  But, she's dead, Jim!  I don't think she'll be
} woo-ed too greatly by the next 100-sonnets written for her either.
} And even if she were still alive, she couldn't keep up with 10,000
} suitors anyway.
}
} Sure, Venus was beautiful and all, but Criminy Sakes!  She's dead, too!
} If I went around saying I was King just because some moistened bink
} had lobbed a scimitar at me....
} Sorry...
}
} How many people made statues of Venus before she left this mortal coil?
} How many people are still painting and sculpting and just plain pining
} for someone that's outright gone.
}
} If I have to look at one more mushy-Hallmark card that says.....
} 'But, I love you.'  I think I'm going to hurl (and believe you me
} (always), that won't be a pretty sight).
}
} Or... if you're into the tried and true solutions, tell all three
} of them that you're bisexual, find a boyfriend (preferably one who's
} gone out with your girlfriend before).  This should change your
} girlfriend's views and your unwanted suitor's views, and may catch
} the other person's attention.  And... if not... you've still got
} a nice looking boyfriend, right?
}
} You owe the Oracle a, 'Look Bub, It's Over' Hallmark card, two-packets
} of gravel, a 976 number for picking up guys, and that little-bag on the
} back of the seat of the in front of you.


648-03    (2cnpj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          Oh sweet oracle !!!!!
>     Please find a solution of this problem
>
>                     +   -
>            Ia        |       ---------
> -----------<---------| |-----|   Ra  |----------------------   Ra = 1,2
> |                    |       ---------                     |   Rb = 1
> |                    8 V                                   |   R1 = 4
> |                                                          |   R2 = 6
> |  I1  ---------                 I3       ---------        |   R3 = 2
> |-->---|  R1   |------        ---->-------|  R3   |--------|   R4 = 8
> |      ---------     |        |           ---------        |   -------
> |                    |        |                            |   Ia - ?
> |                    |        |                            |   Ib - ?
> |                    |--------|                            |   I1 - ?
> |                    |        |                            |   I2 - ?
> |                    |        |                            |   I3 - ?
> |  I2  ---------     |        |   I4      ---------        |   I4 - ?
> |-->---|  R2   |------        ---->-------|  R4   |--------|
> |      ---------                          ---------        |
> |                                                          |
> |                   +   -                                  |
> |          Ib        |        ---------                    |
> -----------<---------| |------|  Rb   |---------------------
>                      |        ---------
>                    10 V

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Upon entering at 8V, you and your accomplice(you will definately
} need help)  should take up postitions on either side of door R1.
} (The outside hall should be free of all guards and detection devices
} as it wil be pay day, and theres a 4-1 special at Bertha's tonight)
}    The person at I1 should lob a flash grenade into the room and then
} take up a position at I3, which will give a good field of fire into
} Ra and R3.
}    The other person should run, and I mean RUN, into the room firing
} from the hip and proceed immeadiately to I2.  Hopefully, the guards
} stationed at Ib should come thru R2, and be easy pickins.
}    There should be 6 guards so keep count of the dropping bodies!!  If
} 5 or less come thru, then lob a smoke/frag grenade into the room and
} follow the boom.  Eliminate any oppostion, but make sure you grab
} the microfilm before the guards behind door R4 realize whats going on.
}    Once you got the microfilm, HAUL ASS!!!
}
} As usual, this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.


648-04    (1fooh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fuzzy Wuzzy wuzn't fuzzy, wuz he?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, he wuzn't.
}
} Fuzzy Wuzzy, born Wuzzy J. Bear, was a unique character.  He was born
} in the 1950s in the Rocky Mountains near Gunnison, Colorado.  As a cub,
} Wuzzy was the typical bear, eating berries, catching fish, hibernating
} in winter, etc. But it soon became apparent that Wuzzy was different
} than the other bears. He suffered from a rare condition which caused
} his fur to fall out, making him a not-often-seen bald bear.  The other
} cubs teased him mercilessly for this and ostracized him from bear
} society.  Wuzzy, alone in his cave, started exploring mathematics to
} pass the time.
}
} As he became a young adult bear, he spent more and more time exploring
} set theory by scratching on the ground with a stick or writing on his
} cave walls with a crude ink made from crushed berries.  In the summer
} of 1964, Lotfi Zadeh was vacationing in the mountains, after months of
} struggling to come up with a new method for real-time system control.
} On a hike one afternoon, he happened across Wuzzy at the bank of a
} stream, who was at that point considering a new technique for handling
} ambiguity in computational systems, over a lunch of blueberries and
} trout.  On observing Wuzzy's scratchings in the ground, Zadeh became
} quite taken with his theories.  Zadeh extended his vacation by several
} months and from his collaboration with Wuzzy, the theory of Fuzzy Logic
} was born.
}
} Fuzzy Logic was attributed to Zadeh alone because both he and Wuzzy
} doubted that the mathematical world was ready for new theories
} developed by a bear. But to friends, Wuzzy did become known as "Fuzzy"
} Wuzzy.  This new nickname inspired the famous rhyme about him, which
} was, incidentally, written by Lotfi Zadeh after too many beers one
} night:
}
}      Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
}      Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair!
}      Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he?
}
} With Zadeh's help, Wuzzy has been responsible for many recent advances
} in Fuzzy Logic and other modern AI systems.  As a result of his
} consulting work he can now afford treatment for his fur condition, and
} his new fur growth makes him quite "fuzzy".  He lives in Marin County,
} CA (where a bear with his own house does not seem out of place) with
} his wife and two cubs.
}
} Fuzzy Wuzzy wuzn't fuzzy.  But he iz now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fuzzy logic-based search-and-destroy robot, to
} track down and eliminate all existing videotapes of the "Roseanne"
} show.


648-05    (cvjd6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> please sir, can I have some more gruel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only with a Twist.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Pickwick Papers"


648-06    (9gnna dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some people have told me that paranoia is "total awareness." Others
> have told me it is the way to transforming your stomach into one big
> ulcer. My question, should you choose to accept it, is does there
> exist a happy medium of paranoia where one can have his conspiracies
> and soda-pop too? Or can we never have the best of both worlds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Why did you ask me this question? Who told you I answer
} paranoia questions? WHO SENT YOU???
}         You accidentally(?) mentioned conspiracies and soda-pop in the
} same breath. Why did you use a generic term for carbonated beverages?
} You're one of those New Coke fanatics, aren't you!! Is this leading
} to a taste test? Are you going to force-feed me Big Gulps(tm)??
} LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I drink coffee!
}         You later implied that you are trying to have the best of both
} worlds. What other worlds have you heard about? Where have you been?
} Why do you want more than one? What's wrong with our world?


648-07    (5clqh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grext xnd knowing Orxcle, plexse tell me whxt
> to do xbout this problem I've been hxving:
>
> There seems to be something wrong with my computer
> keyboxrd xnd every time I press the x key I get the
> letter x.  Ooops.  Whxt I mexn is, the first letter
> in the xlphxbet doesn't come out right xnd I get the
> twenty-fourth in stexd.  Cxn you help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wise me has pondered your question/problem.
}
} It seems to me there exist more solutions to your problem.
}
} The first solution is to do like I do. Simply do not use the
} letter which is impossible to type. This could seem difficult
} in the beginning but you will get used to it. If there is
} some word with the cursed letter which you must use, try it in
} some other lingo, 'vielleicht' it is written without it there.
} This ensures 'que' you think before you type 'et' your
} texts will look more interesting so they will be given
} more <fill in the word I try to type without the letter>.
}
} The second solution is not to type.
}
} The third solution is to get 'ein'other 'toetsenbord'
}
} By the 'rue', how did you get your question posted to me ?


648-08    (3fqs9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, divine and sublime, take pity on your worthless supplicant
> and favor him with some tiny shard of knowledge:
>
> Why don't we call geese "gooses?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We don't call mice "mouses",
} We don't call moose "mooses",
} We don't call lice "lices",
} So why would we call geese "gooses"?
}
} It's a well-known, but marginally logical rule in the English language
} (such as it is), that any noun with a double "o", such as goose, has
} those letters changed to a double "e" when in the plural form.
} Therefore:
}
} The plural of book is "beek",
} The plural of cook is "ceek",
} The plural of food is "feed",
} and of course, the plural of .... hey, wait a second, that isn't right.
} Damn and blast this English language...  OK, let's try that again.
}
} Um...the rule, as EVERYONE knows, is, ahem, is that if the word ends
} with an 'ses', after a repeated pair of vowels, then those vowels are
} changed from whatever they were to a pair of 'e's, and the final 's' is
} dropped. For instance:
}
} The plural of goose is "geese",
} The plural of moose is "meese",
} The plural of .... hey, that doesn't work either.
}
} Fine.  Tough.  You're just going to have to memorize this stuff, and
} don't ask about the rules.  This is English class you're taking, not
} logic.  Get used to it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an evening with a bookkeeper or beekeeper, your
} choice.


648-09    (8mwe5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Grand,
>
> Who or what is a "Stag-o-lee"?
>
> Thanks,
> Your ever so humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stago Lee is Bruce Lee's younger half-brother.  His one and only movie,
} _Enter_the_Hedgehog_ was, unfortunately, a dismal box-office failure.
} Shortly after its release, Stago disappeared, and was completely
} forgotten by the movie-going public (of course, the Oracle *never*
} forgets a name, face, or second-rate martial arts movie.)
}
} What is he doing now?  Funny you should ask.
}
} You see, Stago blamed his failure on his half-brother.  When his movie
} flopped, he vowed revenge on Bruce.  He retreated to a cave atop a
} mountain somewhere in the unexplored regions of Kansas and strenuously
} practiced his unique "Hedgehog" form of karate every day for seven
} years and seven days.  Each day his strength and skill improved and
} each day his hatred for his half-brother increased.  Finally, after
} seven years and seven days he emerged from the cave to bring all the
} wrath of the Hedgehog to focus on his brother and exact his terrible
} revenge.  Only Bruce had died three years earlier.
}
} Stago had so much pent-up unresolved hatred in him that he decided to
} consult, you guessed it, I, the Almighty Oracle.  His question, as I
} recall, went something like this:
}
} > O Almighty Oracle, what shall I do with all this pent-up
} > unresolved hatred in me?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} > I've got one word for you, Stago:  Syndication.
}
} Well, to make a long story short, Stago can be seen on TV each week
} playing the Old Guy on "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues."
}
} You owe the Oracle a fake Fu Manchu beard and a bottle of rubber
} cement.


648-10    (dgmka dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who will win the Stanley Cup this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again, the Oracle is reduced to answering a question
} concerning the outcome of a sports or sports-related
} competition merely for the financial gain of those who would
} gamble (and no doubt win) with the answer I would give.
} How sad it is, really, that I am lowered to this level.
} I could tell you things beyond your wildest imagination!  I
} could bring about a state of total Enlightenment to you or
} anyone, if only they would ask.  But no, instead you pester
} me with questions like "Who is going to win this..." or
} "what will be the final score of that..."  Well, not this
} time!  The Oracle is sick of such rubbish!
}
} Of course, you may say "Ah, he's beating around the bush because
} he doesn't know the answer."  Well, to you I say FOOEY!  Of
} course I know the answer!  I know all!  I see all!  I have the
} answer to your insignificant question on the very tip of my
} tongue!  I could speak it with the tiniest iota of effort!
} But I will not, not in a bazillion years!
}
} I will tell you how much money you would win if you *did* know
} the answer.  Assuming you were to gamble all your life's savings,
} you would net a whopping $1,117,384.04!  Wow!  You would be
} set for life!  Ha ha ha ha ha hee hee hee!  Don't you wish you
} knew!  But I'm not tellin', never never never!
}
} Now you are thinking "Aha!  I have outsmarted the Oracle.  All
} I have to do is find out which wager has the odds that would
} produce the aforementioned sum (given my life savings, which
} is constant) and bet on that!"  Well, I have news for you!
} You can't do that because... uh, hmmm... that's not possible
} because... well... [gulp]... there is a very good reason why
} you can't do that, but I'm not going to tell you *it*, either!


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