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Internet Oracularities #649

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649, 649-01, 649-02, 649-03, 649-04, 649-05, 649-06, 649-07, 649-08, 649-09, 649-10


Usenet Oracularities #649    (95 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 11:57:55 -0500

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   649
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

649   95 votes 7htvb 7eutf dwwe4 csCb6 hstf6 arqma polh8 3npok 5dtzd eCtd1
649   2.9 mean  3.2   3.3   2.6   2.7   2.6   2.9   2.6   3.4   3.4   2.5


649-01    (7htvb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The ORACLE is the Oracliest of sages!
> His wisdom doth fill a million billion trillion pages!
> He provideth wit and insight to supplicants of all ages!
>
> His strength is far far greater than a hurricane that rages!
> It cannot be measured; it exceedeth all the gauges!
> It could not be purchased with a million years of wages!
>
> He could kick the asses of all the ancient mages!
> Those who disagree should all be locked in cages!
> All I ask of you is one more word that rhymes with "ages"...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although rhyming hardly engages,
} I'll answer your question in stages:
} You know there are many,
} and one's good as any,
} but best is "bacteriophages."
}
} You owe the Oracle a cask of amontillado and two words that rhyme with
} "orange."


649-02    (7eutf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sweet my Oracle,
>
> There are some lovely cherry trees on the street that I live on, and
> they are in bloom. Now they are not on anyone's particular property as
> far as I can tell, but they are definitely not on my property either.
> How do you think my chances are of sneaking out and trimming a few
> low-hanging branches to decorate my kitchen with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's the best question I've ever heard.  Take a bough.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blossom.


649-03    (dwwe4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> racle, I think yu can see what my prblem is.  It means my bts fall ff,
> my ballns wn't blw up, and ther difficulties, t.  Is there sme slutin
> I am verlking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pwwr supplicant,
}
} I'm swrry, I dwn't have any wf thwse to spare right nww either. Need
} 'em fwr my name, ywu knww.
}
} I suggest that ywu replace the wffending vwwel with lwwse, rubbery
} dwuble-u's, which ywu can pump up later when swmewne lwans you an
} wzwne generator. (Swmetimes ywu can get the same effect by hwwking up
} an iwnizer backwards). If ywu dwn't knww anyone whw wwns wne, call
} AAA, who can swlve ywor prwblem with ease (or any wther letter).
}
} Ywu can't wwe the Wracle anything until this prwblem's swlved, sw I'll
} get back tw ywu.


649-04    (csCb6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does out university censor alt.binaries.erotica.male? Where can I
> find uncensored postings?? Who will develop my pictures???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor desperate supplicant, you are in luck! Fortunately, there ARE
} more complicated ways to get ahold of poor-quality quasi-erotica!
} Here's what you do: Post queries to random addresses at the anon
} poster in Finland. Eventually, you will reach one of the legion of 14
} year old boys who REALLY run the Infobahn. If you agree to go to
} airports and watch travelers poke their phone card numbers into the
} payphones, these kids can beam binary code directly to your TV
} antenna. With a translator, a transformer, and a black box, you should
} be able to convert rough outlines to a format that can be faxed
} directly to your computer! Once the code is on your hard drive, baby,
} it's time. Simply de-uuencode the images, unbinhex them as needed,
} decrypt the black bars over the models' eyes, and get ready to type
} with a pencil in your mouth!~ Hubba hubba! Warm up the giffer and get
} ready to tweak.
}
} You owe the Oracle a damn magazine.


649-05    (hstf6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Whose Knowledge Far Supersede Everything Else,
> Can you tell me what REALLY happened in the last episode of Twin Peaks?
> Will we ever see Agent Cooper at his best again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the last episode of Twin Peaks, the audience discovered several key
} facts, which should have been disclosed at the beginning of the series
} so as to make the programme even vaguely watchable:
} 1) Dale Cooper was revealed as nothing more than an anagram of Replace
}    Odo - a subliminal message telling the audience to transfer their
}    attentions to the far superior series Deep Space 9.
} 2) Cherry Pie turns out to be the real star of the show when it is
}    nominatated for an Emmy.
} 3) Laura Palmer's father was the devil, who sexually abused her, dumped
}    her body, walked backwards and then made a guest appearance on Oprah
}    to talk about aforementioned traumas with Roseanne Arnold who
}    underwent similar experiences as she describes in her biography.
} The Oracle is available for children's parties.


649-06    (arqma dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Patient One.  Giver of inspiration and life.  Please bestow
> upon this lowly supplicant, a portion of your infinite wisdom....
>
> Is the term "rubber cement" a contradiction in terms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not if you know how it was invented....
}
} To explain this, we have to go back to the 1930s.  In New York City, in
} the Flushing district, was the headquarters and factory of the Acme
} Joke and Novelty Co.  Acme specialized in the sort of cheap novelty
} items you see advertised in comic books: X-ray specs, fake dog poop,
} red-hot chewing gum, disappearing ink, exploding chasity belts
} (discontinued after a lawsuit), gag non-flammable gasoline, joke phoney
} dead fish (smells real!), you name it.
}
} Anyway, it so happens that Sol Wasserman, Acme's president, was the
} cousin of Yitzak Finklestien, who was a major NY building contractor at
} the time. Wasserman, as you might imagine, loved practical jokes.  One
} day in August 1937 he was experimenting in Acme's lab, and he came up
} with a sticky, thick, grey substance, which looked to him like freshl
} mixed cement.  Wasting no time, he contacted Murray Abramson, who
} supplied cement to Finklestien's contracting company, and arranged for
} a shipment of the gag "rubber" cement to be sent in place of the real
} stuff.  Finklestien was fixing a sidewalk in Flatbush (Brooklyn), and
} was confused at first when the cement refused to set properly.  A good
} laugh was had by all when Finklestien, checking the "cement", lost his
} balance and fell in, where the sticky, rubbery gag cement kept him
} stuck for three days.  [Finklestien is said to have retaliated by using
} *real* cement to "attach" Wasserman to the front of a local bar for a
} few days, but that's another story]. Wasserman thought he had a hit,
} and began marketing the "rubber cement" in toy stores and magic shops
} in New York, but sales never took off.   Upset one day over low sales,
} Wasserman smashed a bottle of the stuff on his desk.  His mood changed
} when he noticed how well the "cement" held things together on his desk.
}  In a stroke of marketing genius, he took his existing stock of "rubber
} cement" and sold it to office supply stores.  He considered changing
} the name but the stuff was already bottled and labelled, so [PUN
} ALERT!] he stuck with it.  Needless to say, the "rubber cement" was
} very popular, and Wasserman retired a wealthy man.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of those fake plastic ice-cubes with bugs in
} them, and an explanation of the term "light heavyweight"


649-07    (polh8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the which?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dorthy and Toto killed her with the house.


649-08    (3npok dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much is that doggy in the window?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on which cut you want:
}
}         CUT             PRICE PER POUND (US$)
}         Rump ........... 7.90
}         Ribs ........... 6.50
}         Flank ......... 11.75
}         Sides ......... 12.80
}         Quarter ....... 15.25
}         Loin .......... 14.80
}         Round ......... 11.40
}         Boxed ......... 18.50
}         Chuck ......... available only to people named Lisa


649-09    (5dtzd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Samsung buy Commodore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [sigh]
} The events of the last week and a half are complicated.  Sit down
} and listen up:
}
} Samsung bought Commodore.  I bought Samsung.  Sony bought me.  I got a
} stock option on myself, and leveraged a buyout when I hit +8.5; I had
} enough capital left over to buy a minor interest in Sony.  Sony hit me
} with a trade infringement lawsuit over control of the Columbia Record
} Club, and I countersued for defamation of character.
}
} We settled out of court; Sony kept everything with the name Columbia
} and I took Samsung, but not Commodore.  Bertlesmann AG interested me in
} a share-split on a Sony buyout, and we invaded New York, Munich and
} Tokyo with our agents to purchase or swap every share we could.  By the
} afternoon of the same day, Sony had sent ninjas in to take out our
} buyers, and the going got rough fast.  At 12:35 EDT, we launched a
} counteoffensive by macing the floor of the New York Stock Exchange; in
} the ensuing panic, hundreds of our trained experts were on their hands
} and knees, wearing gas masks and picking up buy tickets for use in
} purchasing Sony.  We lost a dozen men that day,  all good and faithful
} to the last.
}
} At 3:15 EDT, Bertlesmann wanted to pull out, saying that things were
} going wrong.  I made them stick to their guns, and in twelve minutes we
} had 23% of Sony.  The next three minutes, we lost two million shares
} when one of our agents went renegade.  I had him put down, but we had a
} controlling interest in Sony anyway.
}
} Two days later, at the board meeting we convinced Sony to divest
} themselves of Commodore, which they did in exchange for 48% of Samsung.
}
} Commodore promptly went belly-up from lack of capital.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed photo of Ivan Boesky.


649-10    (eCtd1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows more about food than even John
> Candy did, please tell me:
>
> Pizza is getting dull.  Everybody is tired of pepperoni,
> sausage, mushrooms, olives, etc..  I want to become rich
> by introducing a new pizza topping that will sweep the
> world by virtue of an irresistible taste.  I want my wallet
> to runneth over.  What new topping would you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the computer-geek world, try chopped-floppy.  If you want to
} attract the physics crowd, claim that neutrinos are topping every
} pizza.  For the math interested individuals, just state how the topping
} of their choice will be laid across the pizza using a Fourier series.
} Finally, for just the plain average crowd (where most of the money is)
} try spotted owl.
}
} You owe the Oracle two large, in 30 IP packets or less.


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