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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:04:13 GMT

Internet Oracularities #65

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65, 65-01, 65-02, 65-03, 65-04, 65-05, 65-06, 65-07, 65-08, 65-09, 65-10


Usenet Oracularities #65
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 24 Nov 89 21:28:54 GMT

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65-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you like the Star Wars saga?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a fool.
}   but the scene with Obi-Wan Kenobe and Cap.  Kirk was great
} You are wasting my time
}   but I really loved it when Chewbacca and Leia had sex on the Asteroid
}   of Love
} You are asking foolish questions
}   but the giant moth scene was pretty fantastic.


65-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I'm sure you're wondering, do I have a fetish about navel lint, or
> what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's quite all right.  It's not entirely uncommon for one to have a
} fetish centered around Navel Lint.  Sigmund Frued once wrote an entire
} article on the subject.
}
} His advise was to make sure to keep it free of infection and other
} nasties, and keep a log and samples of Navel Lint.  It has been shown
} that much about a man/woman's future can be told from the analysis on
} one's navel lint.  Stress, sexual tendancies, and drug use can all be
} followed simply by collecting navel hair.  The FBI is investigating a
} system whereby all felons would have to submit Navel Lint as a second
} means of identififcation.
}
} The moral of the story is that Navel Lint is anything but trivial.
} Treat it with respect, and have some fun while you're at it.
}
} The Oracle


65-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I hire the Italian dog jugglers for my next party?
> I've heard juggling dogs is very "in" now...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Italian dog jugglers, the Incesti brothers, are indeed very popular.
} They've had some problems with accusations of cruelty to animals,
} however, so they also have an alternative act were they juggle human
} infants.
}
} If you're satisifed by merely being "in", by all means you should hire
} the Italian dog jugglers (or the Katzenjammer brothers (the German cat
} jugglers) or Krysztof Sczerblinski, the Polish elephant juggler).
}
} If, however, you want to set a new trend in party entertainment, the
} Oracle can give you the address of one of Its friends, who walks the
} tightrope over the table while juggling fourteen hand grenades, eating a
} hamburger and singing the Greek national Anthem (all 210 verses).  He is
} accompanied by his sister Lisa, the worlds supplest girl, who plaits her
} hair with one and peels an orange with the other at the same time as she
} is typing in C programs with boh hands tied in a knot behind her back.
} Blindfolded!
}
} You owe the Oracle and Its sex slaves an invitation to your next party.


65-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Vice, please enlighten me:
> Why do they start so early?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hormones.  Media.  Contaminated water supplies.  Breakfast cereals.
} Rock music.  Church.  My left big toe.  Quayle.  The suppleness of
} youth.  The inevitable heat-death of the Universe.  Radio waves.
} Evolution.  Peer pressure.  Cosmic magnetism.  The letter X.  Your
} frivolity.  Consumerism.  Computers.
}
} You owe the Oracle page 14 of the New York Times, Thursday, March 15,
} 1917.  Unyellowed.


65-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's "Plook" mean? In what context would you use it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Plook, vb.  - A banjo playing technique unique to a 5 square mile
} area in the heart of the backwaters of Utah.  A "plooker", as masters of
} this technique are known, catches his finger and thumb nails in the
} banjo strings, and tries to pull off his nail.  Plookers are strange
} people.  Many a plookr has been known to utter the famous plooker's cry:
} "Gosh, I *do* feel musically creative today.  I think I'll go plook some
} banjo."
}
} 2) Plook, vb.  - To vomit, throw up, remove one's stomach contents from
} one's possession, etc.  As in "Ugghhh...  Unnnghhh.....  #$%&# !  Oh
} dear, I appear to have plooked all over you."
}
} 3) Plook, adj.  - Obscure movie term of deference, as in John "Plook"
} Wayne, and the title character of the Paul Newman film, "Cool Hand
} Plook".


65-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do cats sit up trees going `Meow, meow' and looking helpless when
> they are perfectly capable of getting down by themselves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a catwitted, cattish category to catenate!  Your cataphonic
} catechism has cataclysmic and catonian catacoustics.  Why I catalogize
} that your catcall, while catchy, is more of a catasta than a catastasis,
} leading to catalysis and cataplexy.
}
} Clearly, if the cat could catapult in a caterbrawl over the catchment
} this catechist would not be quilty of catachresis.  "The catharan uses
} not catgut," as I always catharize.


65-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come my wife is wearing a toupee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your wife has always had a secret desire for a big, hairy, ape of a
} caveman to drag her by her hair to his cave and some nice bondage
} excercises.
}
} Since you've been far too timid, and always has wanted her to take the
} initiative, she hasn't mentioned this to you but instead turned to the
} postman.
}
} Every day at 11 am, when you're at work, drooling over MacPlaymate, your
} wife strips to her underwear and lets the postman take a steady hold of
} her hair and drag her upstairs to the bedroom, where they indulge in
} unspeakable activities for an hour or two.
}
} This lets her let out all her pent-up emotions that she accumulates from
} your weird lovemaking during the nights (you see, she's not all that
} keen on spanking you as you may think).
}
} However, this has also had the side-effect of your wife getting bald.
} So that's why she's started wearing a toupee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photo of your wife and the postman together.


65-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great orakule, why do I make so much money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are a lot of reasons.
}
} Women pay you to make love to them, spanking and sexy lingery pay
}   extra.
} Men pay you to tell them how to make love to the women properly.
} Doctors pay you to walk out of their surgeries onto a crowded street,
}   because you look so healthy.
} Student hairdressers pay you to let them practise on your head.
} Policemen try to bribe you.
} Waiters give you tips.
} You sell newspapers to newsvendors and get 20p back on each one.
} Your bets win.
} The credit card company has lost your address.
} Your Tax bill went to the man next door; he mistook it for his own,
}   and paid it.
} The mice in the wainscoting pay rent.
} The T.V. company pays you to watch their programmes, so they can tell
}   the advertisers about their rich audience.
} You take the train that there isn't a guard on because of the staff
}   shortages, so you don't pay fares.
} You charge the bank for borrowing your money, instead of them charging
}   you to look after it.
} Shopkeepers subtract your sales tax instead of adding it on.
} You claim the Old Age Pension, Child Benefit, Disability Allowance and
}   Family Income Supplement and nobody has noticed, even though FIS
}   was withdrawn three years ago.
} Your boss pays you because sending messages to the Oracle looks, from
}   a distance, indistinguishable from real work.
}
} You owe the Oracle twopence.  No...  that's wrong.  The Oracle owes
} you 25 pounds 47.


65-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
>         I have noticed one disturbing trend.  Why oh why do people try
> to get the answer to the program that is due in less than 24 hours by:
>
> 1.  Calling you on the phone and beg for the answer
>
> 2.  Try to get into your account which you will notice the next time you
> logged on and have 48 unsuccessful attempt.
>
> 3.  Offer you money for your working program.  BTW :  should I accept
> the money and not give them the working program???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's face it:  That's simply because you're the only *real* programmer
} around.
}
} People trying to get your programs by all means, legal or illegal, can
} be a nuisance, but try to see it from the positive side:
}
} A lot of people out there have heard about your phenomenal coding
} skills, and got so overawed that they forget how to program and turn
} into lazy bums who'd rather steal a working program than write one
} themselves.
}
} If the attempts to bribe you get really insistent, a good prank is to
} accept the money and then give them a program that seems to work okay,
} but contains some really *interesting* feature (such as posting obscene
} jokes about the professors and interesting details of your victims' sex
} life to the entire net) which are activated only after a few days of
} operation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-recursive accounting program, written in Lisp.


65-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, my God!  How could I have done it?
> And without even uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
> NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it was quite simple really, all you did was pressing a button,
} not hard at all. And the EMP took the carrier.
}
} You owe the Oracle $googol for restoring the Earth.


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