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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Great Oracle, who ne'er tells a lie, > Why, oh, why, is my tie in my fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A combination of bad manners and bad posture. Now next time try to } behave yourself if you must read those alt.sex newsgroups! } } You owe the Oracle - ugh, nevermind, just go wash your hands.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most knowledgable Oracle whose germs I'm not worthy to be infected by, > > Where are my car keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Your car keys are, at once, both everywhere and nowhere. }           Unfortunately, by failing to continuously observe your car }           keys, you have allowed their quantum wave function to once }           again enter a state of indeterminate fluctuation.  Your car }           keys currently exist (or don't exist) in a quantum state, }           and only by observing your car keys can you cause their wave }           function to collapse to a state of existence. } }           Yet, you must realize, that by looking for them already, you }           may have inadvertantly caused the keys' wave function to }           collapse to a state of non-existence.  The keys, then, will }           stay in this state of non-existence so long as you are }           thinking of the keys and not finding them (i.e. continuously }           observing their non-existence).  To effectively find your }           keys, therefore, you must stop thinking about them and stop }           looking for them.  Only when this happens will your keys }           resume their quantum mechanical fluctuations.  If then you }           search for your keys and do not find them, then you }           must forget about them again and repeat the process until }           you find them. } }           A very quick way to undertake this (rather than running }           everywhere trying to find your keys) is simply to put a box }           in the middle of your room.  When you forget about your }           keys, look in the box.  It is equally probable that your }           keys will pop into existence there as anywhere else.  One }           drawback, however, it that the box will occasionally contain }           a cat (live or dead). } }           I am uncertain as to what you owe the Oracle . . . either a }           vial of poison or a radioactive source.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have taken on a new job with greater responsibilties paying me large > sums of money. Will I find fullfillment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, 37% of the time, you'll be 18% happier than you were in the best } 14% of the time at your old job. But 22% of the time, you'll be 13% } unhappier than you were in the worst 5% of the time at your old job. } Your blood pressure will increase by 15% (actually 17% systolic and } 13% diastolic), but your cholesterol level will go down 18%, and your } vision will improve from 20/80 to 20/60. The added stress of your new } job will cause your hair to turn completely gray by the time you are } 47, but gray hair will look good on you. You won't get to spend as } much time with your children, but your daughter is going to have a } child out of wedlock either way. } } I hope this clears things up for you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dead Ant, > Dead Ant, > Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Annnnnt, > Dead Ant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is the Pink Panther theme as mocked by various science } fiction-SCA-Computer types listening to too much Tom Lehrer?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A challenge I hear the allmighty Oracle boom with glee...... > I am trying to uncover whether the following person has an E_mail > address: > > Sue Savage-Rumbaugh,(or Sue Rumbaugh) > Yerks Regional Primate Research Center > Emory University > Atlanta, Georgia 30322. > > I do not know whether this person still resides at this location.. > However the mighty Oracle I'm sure, WILL FIND A WAY! <:-|)>>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Completely unlike its mortal supplicants the oracle of course } does not have to search for unknown email adresses by } telnetting bruno.cs.colorado.edu and using 'netfind' as login. } (Hey captain, what's this big red display that shows a full tilt 100? }  Mhmmm, that's the read out of the clue-o-meter we installed }  yesterday...) } } Sue herself is not at the primate research center anymore. The } experiments were cancelled in 1992 when Emory could not afford any more } bananas. Together with all the other primates Sue was brought back into } the Amazone rain forest and released. The scientists did tie a radio } transmitter to her back to track her migrations but this transmitter } does not have an internet adress. (The oracle suggests that you should } start tieing transmitters to the backs of your remaining friends to } keep the oracle from having to answer this kind of questions). } } You owe the oracle a copy of 'Gorillas in the mist' a Banana and the } email adress of Cindy Crawford.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, > I've begun to lose all my hair. > What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Store your hair in a bag as it falls out. That way, when people say } that you're losing your hair, you can take some out and show them. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a more realistic hairpiece than the one he is } currently using.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, that aced the GRE the first time it was offered... > > I have been studying day and night for that dreaded exam.  You know the > type, pass and you're a Nobel candidate; fail and you're a lowlife scum > that has significant trouble drooling...  The part I'm stumbling on is > the "analogy" section.  The instructions tell me that the way to > interpret a:b::c:d is "a is to b as c is to d".  But I'm still stuck, > and the test is tomorrow! Can you please help me choose the right > answer, and explain the reasoning behind it? > > 1) gerbilation:earlobes::aristocracy:____________ >         a) stapler              b) canteloupe >         c) velveeta             d) combustion > > 2) contrapositive:muffler::"Song of the South":______________ >         a) "60 Minutes"         b) "Cheers" >         c) "Midnight Blue"      d) "NYPD Blue" > > 3) semaphore:"The White Man's Burden"::"Manifest Destiny":__________ >         a) armegeddon           b) diptheria >         c) AUTOEXEC.BAT         d) pampers

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, no problem, man. } } > 1) gerbilation:earlobes::aristocracy:____________ } >         a) stapler              b) canteloupe } >         c) velveeta             d) combustion } }  Well, here we have a case where the answer is clear. "Gerbilation", of } course, means the process of  creating gerbils, which have no earlobes. } Since aristocracy always has staplers, combustion and even canteloupes, } they can no way ever have Velveeta, which is outlawed  for sale as a } food product outside the US, but allowed as an alternate to spackle in } Europe. } } > 2) contrapositive:muffler::"Song of the South":______________ } >         a) "60 Minutes"         b) "Cheers" } >         c) "Midnight Blue"      d) "NYPD Blue" } } Since "contra" comes from Latin for oposite or below - like contra-band } (literally, "below the band") - ans positive is self-explanatory,  the } natural association is Midnight Blue, which recently came in _below_ } the other three programs in Nielson ratings. } } > 3) semaphore:"The White Man's Burden"::"Manifest Destiny":__________ } >         a) armegeddon           b) diptheria } >         c) AUTOEXEC.BAT         d) pampers } } Since sema (meaning "partial") and phore (Latin for "fore", or the cry } one makes two milliseconds before one's golf ball is about to crush } another golfers skull, this clearly alludes to the fact that golf is a } white man's game. Hence, the only possible answer to Manifest Destiny } is clearly AUTOEXEC.BAT } } Thank you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend is not pregnant, but I spent all my week-end waiting for > her "period": how can I have this week-end back ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Somehow the Supplicant is instantly transported through }  space and time to Friday evening. Right outside the door }  of his girlfriends dorm room] } }         He knocks and the door is opened by a pretty but somewhat thin }         young woman with a worried expression. } } Suppl: Hi Becky, ready for the concert? God, I love Pink Floyd. I need }        to relax tonight cause I have to work on my term paper all day }        tomarrow and Sunday or I'm gonna flunk big time. } } Becky: I'm late. } } S:     What do you mean? It's over an hour till they open the doors. } } B:     No, I mean my period was supposed to start Tuesday.  I called }        the Doctor this afternoon. I'm going in on Monday. } } S:     Oh shit...Oh no. I...I... } } [Supplicant begins to wander around campus in a daze.  His mind is }  numb with worry and fear.  Every ten minutes he stops to phone }  Becky to find out if her period has started.  By Saturday night he }  has managed somehow to have lost his wallet, get beaten and raped by }  five frat boys who mistook him for a homeless homosexual. By Sunday }  morning his calls to Becky have become more frequent.  By evening she }  has told him to get lost and has sworn that she'll deal with }  everything herself.] } } [Sunday 10:00pm. The supplicant returns to his room to find the }  answering machine flashing. He presses the button.] } } Answering Mach: BEEP...hey Bob, this Mike from your thermo class. }                 I told you you should have come to class today, }                 Professor Charles is giving us a test on chapters }                 7 and 8 Monday. Give me a call when you get back }                 from the concert...BEEP...Bobby, this is your Mother. }                 It's Saturday morning. If you need your student loan }                 for next semester you need to get that application }                 to the bank before they close at noon today. Come }                 see us. And call your grandmother sometime...BEEP... }                 (Becky's Voice) You can stop sweating, asshole, I'm }                 not pregnant. Oh and you can come get your red shirt }                 and your CD today or they go in the trash...BEEP... } } Suppl:(mumbling) Thank God gbfgm not pregnant hgum .Worst weekend of my }         life mbmbg...shit }         paperdue...mumubh..test...wallet..mghhfgh..bitch.. }         mojjm...loan.... } } [Supplicant continues to mumble.  He is almost in tears as he sits down }  at his computer and begins to type............ } } > My girlfriend is not pregnant, but I spent all my week-end waiting } > for her "period": how can I have this week-end back ? } } [Somehow the supplicant is instantly transported through }  space and time to Friday evening. Right outside......

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oh Oracle, > Spare a moment of your time; > Rid me of this quest for answers > To this ponderer of mine: > > If I am my mother's brother, and cousin to my uncle's sister, what > relation does that make Bruce Banner to The Incredible Hulk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your own cross-temporally inbred family notwithstanding, the truth } remains that Bruce and the Hulk are still the same person.  They've } made a lot of attempts to hide this, by calling each other their } "first cousin zero times removed" or "uncle's sister's first husband's } son." } } Unfortunately, no matter how obfuscated they make their relationship, } Bruce _still_ can not claim the Hulk as a dependant.  This was decided } by the same court that ruled that super heroes who were killed and } then brought back to life had to pay taxes for the period they spent } dead. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Spiderman's 1992 1040 EZ.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and well read, please answer me this... > > Since a cat always lands on its feet, and a piece of buttered toast > always lands buttered side down, if you strap a piece of buttered toast > to the back of a cat (buttered side up), which side will it land on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant most wise-cracker: } Never fool with Murphy, for He supersedes Nature, even in Her Infinite } Wisdom. } } Verily, the strap shall break on the way down.  And the piece of toast } shall proceed to fall faster than the cat (DON'T give me that jive } about Gallileo, this is higher stuff!) and shall indeed land on the } expensive carpet buttered side down.  The cat will fall on its feet, } directly on the piece of toast, thus grinding it well into the fabric } of the carpet (which you could've sworn you remembered to roll away } before the experiment!). } } In your desparate attempts to clean up the $2,000 rug, the vacuum will } suddenly reverse action and spew out all of the dirt which has } accumulated in it over the last few months (and just yesterday you were } going to replace the bag, dammit!).  So you call up the salesman, only } to discover that the warranty has expired yesterday.  You try to fix it } yourself, and of course the moment you have taken the fine machinery } apart is when the screwdriver drops out of your hand onto your big toe. }  You jump and cry out in agony, scattering the tiny screws and nuts } into the least-accessible corners of the workshop, except for the } largest one which is eaten by the cat.  The spare screwdriver was lent } to your neighbour last week, and he has just left for a month's } vacation in the Bahamas. } } Ergo: Ask not which side things land on: this side or that side, Nature } and Murphy are never on *your* side. } } You owe the Oracle $2.50 for the toast, $75 for the vet, $100 for } medical expenses (wounded toe), $200 for the carpet cleaners, and $200 } for a new vacuum cleaner.  You owe Murphy an apology.  You owe Nature } your existence.