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Internet Oracularities #650

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650, 650-01, 650-02, 650-03, 650-04, 650-05, 650-06, 650-07, 650-08, 650-09, 650-10


Usenet Oracularities #650    (77 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 20 May 1994 08:02:01 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   650
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

650   77 votes gojf3 5fric 4ixi4 lrfb3 3osh5 6fqq4 8jrh6 adoge 5qqe6 55jks
650   3.0 mean  2.5   3.2   3.0   2.3   3.0   3.1   2.9   3.1   2.9   3.8


650-01    (gojf3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Great Oracle, who ne'er tells a lie,
> Why, oh, why, is my tie in my fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A combination of bad manners and bad posture. Now next time try to
} behave yourself if you must read those alt.sex newsgroups!
}
} You owe the Oracle - ugh, nevermind, just go wash your hands.


650-02    (5fric dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most knowledgable Oracle whose germs I'm not worthy to be infected by,
>
> Where are my car keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Your car keys are, at once, both everywhere and nowhere.
}           Unfortunately, by failing to continuously observe your car
}           keys, you have allowed their quantum wave function to once
}           again enter a state of indeterminate fluctuation.  Your car
}           keys currently exist (or don't exist) in a quantum state,
}           and only by observing your car keys can you cause their wave
}           function to collapse to a state of existence.
}
}           Yet, you must realize, that by looking for them already, you
}           may have inadvertantly caused the keys' wave function to
}           collapse to a state of non-existence.  The keys, then, will
}           stay in this state of non-existence so long as you are
}           thinking of the keys and not finding them (i.e. continuously
}           observing their non-existence).  To effectively find your
}           keys, therefore, you must stop thinking about them and stop
}           looking for them.  Only when this happens will your keys
}           resume their quantum mechanical fluctuations.  If then you
}           search for your keys and do not find them, then you
}           must forget about them again and repeat the process until
}           you find them.
}
}           A very quick way to undertake this (rather than running
}           everywhere trying to find your keys) is simply to put a box
}           in the middle of your room.  When you forget about your
}           keys, look in the box.  It is equally probable that your
}           keys will pop into existence there as anywhere else.  One
}           drawback, however, it that the box will occasionally contain
}           a cat (live or dead).
}
}           I am uncertain as to what you owe the Oracle . . . either a
}           vial of poison or a radioactive source.


650-03    (4ixi4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have taken on a new job with greater responsibilties paying me large
> sums of money. Will I find fullfillment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, 37% of the time, you'll be 18% happier than you were in the best
} 14% of the time at your old job. But 22% of the time, you'll be 13%
} unhappier than you were in the worst 5% of the time at your old job.
} Your blood pressure will increase by 15% (actually 17% systolic and
} 13% diastolic), but your cholesterol level will go down 18%, and your
} vision will improve from 20/80 to 20/60. The added stress of your new
} job will cause your hair to turn completely gray by the time you are
} 47, but gray hair will look good on you. You won't get to spend as
} much time with your children, but your daughter is going to have a
} child out of wedlock either way.
}
} I hope this clears things up for you.


650-04    (lrfb3 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dead Ant,
> Dead Ant,
> Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Annnnnt,
> Dead Ant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is the Pink Panther theme as mocked by various science
} fiction-SCA-Computer types listening to too much Tom Lehrer?


650-05    (3osh5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A challenge I hear the allmighty Oracle boom with glee......
> I am trying to uncover whether the following person has an E_mail
> address:
>
> Sue Savage-Rumbaugh,(or Sue Rumbaugh)
> Yerks Regional Primate Research Center
> Emory University
> Atlanta, Georgia 30322.
>
> I do not know whether this person still resides at this location..
> However the mighty Oracle I'm sure, WILL FIND A WAY! <:-|)>>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Completely unlike its mortal supplicants the oracle of course
} does not have to search for unknown email adresses by
} telnetting bruno.cs.colorado.edu and using 'netfind' as login.
} (Hey captain, what's this big red display that shows a full tilt 100?
}  Mhmmm, that's the read out of the clue-o-meter we installed
}  yesterday...)
}
} Sue herself is not at the primate research center anymore. The
} experiments were cancelled in 1992 when Emory could not afford any more
} bananas. Together with all the other primates Sue was brought back into
} the Amazone rain forest and released. The scientists did tie a radio
} transmitter to her back to track her migrations but this transmitter
} does not have an internet adress. (The oracle suggests that you should
} start tieing transmitters to the backs of your remaining friends to
} keep the oracle from having to answer this kind of questions).
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of 'Gorillas in the mist' a Banana and the
} email adress of Cindy Crawford.


650-06    (6fqq4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle,
> I've begun to lose all my hair.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Store your hair in a bag as it falls out. That way, when people say
} that you're losing your hair, you can take some out and show them.
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle a more realistic hairpiece than the one he is
} currently using.


650-07    (8jrh6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, that aced the GRE the first time it was offered...
>
> I have been studying day and night for that dreaded exam.  You know the
> type, pass and you're a Nobel candidate; fail and you're a lowlife scum
> that has significant trouble drooling...  The part I'm stumbling on is
> the "analogy" section.  The instructions tell me that the way to
> interpret a:b::c:d is "a is to b as c is to d".  But I'm still stuck,
> and the test is tomorrow! Can you please help me choose the right
> answer, and explain the reasoning behind it?
>
> 1) gerbilation:earlobes::aristocracy:____________
>         a) stapler              b) canteloupe
>         c) velveeta             d) combustion
>
> 2) contrapositive:muffler::"Song of the South":______________
>         a) "60 Minutes"         b) "Cheers"
>         c) "Midnight Blue"      d) "NYPD Blue"
>
> 3) semaphore:"The White Man's Burden"::"Manifest Destiny":__________
>         a) armegeddon           b) diptheria
>         c) AUTOEXEC.BAT         d) pampers

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, no problem, man.
}
} > 1) gerbilation:earlobes::aristocracy:____________
} >         a) stapler              b) canteloupe
} >         c) velveeta             d) combustion
}
}  Well, here we have a case where the answer is clear. "Gerbilation", of
} course, means the process of  creating gerbils, which have no earlobes.
} Since aristocracy always has staplers, combustion and even canteloupes,
} they can no way ever have Velveeta, which is outlawed  for sale as a
} food product outside the US, but allowed as an alternate to spackle in
} Europe.
}
} > 2) contrapositive:muffler::"Song of the South":______________
} >         a) "60 Minutes"         b) "Cheers"
} >         c) "Midnight Blue"      d) "NYPD Blue"
}
} Since "contra" comes from Latin for oposite or below - like contra-band
} (literally, "below the band") - ans positive is self-explanatory,  the
} natural association is Midnight Blue, which recently came in _below_
} the other three programs in Nielson ratings.
}
} > 3) semaphore:"The White Man's Burden"::"Manifest Destiny":__________
} >         a) armegeddon           b) diptheria
} >         c) AUTOEXEC.BAT         d) pampers
}
} Since sema (meaning "partial") and phore (Latin for "fore", or the cry
} one makes two milliseconds before one's golf ball is about to crush
} another golfers skull, this clearly alludes to the fact that golf is a
} white man's game. Hence, the only possible answer to Manifest Destiny
} is clearly AUTOEXEC.BAT
}
} Thank you.


650-08    (adoge dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend is not pregnant, but I spent all my week-end waiting for
> her "period": how can I have this week-end back ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Somehow the Supplicant is instantly transported through
}  space and time to Friday evening. Right outside the door
}  of his girlfriends dorm room]
}
}         He knocks and the door is opened by a pretty but somewhat thin
}         young woman with a worried expression.
}
} Suppl: Hi Becky, ready for the concert? God, I love Pink Floyd. I need
}        to relax tonight cause I have to work on my term paper all day
}        tomarrow and Sunday or I'm gonna flunk big time.
}
} Becky: I'm late.
}
} S:     What do you mean? It's over an hour till they open the doors.
}
} B:     No, I mean my period was supposed to start Tuesday.  I called
}        the Doctor this afternoon. I'm going in on Monday.
}
} S:     Oh shit...Oh no. I...I...
}
} [Supplicant begins to wander around campus in a daze.  His mind is
}  numb with worry and fear.  Every ten minutes he stops to phone
}  Becky to find out if her period has started.  By Saturday night he
}  has managed somehow to have lost his wallet, get beaten and raped by
}  five frat boys who mistook him for a homeless homosexual. By Sunday
}  morning his calls to Becky have become more frequent.  By evening she
}  has told him to get lost and has sworn that she'll deal with
}  everything herself.]
}
} [Sunday 10:00pm. The supplicant returns to his room to find the
}  answering machine flashing. He presses the button.]
}
} Answering Mach: BEEP...hey Bob, this Mike from your thermo class.
}                 I told you you should have come to class today,
}                 Professor Charles is giving us a test on chapters
}                 7 and 8 Monday. Give me a call when you get back
}                 from the concert...BEEP...Bobby, this is your Mother.
}                 It's Saturday morning. If you need your student loan
}                 for next semester you need to get that application
}                 to the bank before they close at noon today. Come
}                 see us. And call your grandmother sometime...BEEP...
}                 (Becky's Voice) You can stop sweating, asshole, I'm
}                 not pregnant. Oh and you can come get your red shirt
}                 and your CD today or they go in the trash...BEEP...
}
} Suppl:(mumbling) Thank God gbfgm not pregnant hgum .Worst weekend of my
}         life mbmbg...shit
}         paperdue...mumubh..test...wallet..mghhfgh..bitch..
}         mojjm...loan....
}
} [Supplicant continues to mumble.  He is almost in tears as he sits down
}  at his computer and begins to type............
}
} > My girlfriend is not pregnant, but I spent all my week-end waiting
} > for her "period": how can I have this week-end back ?
}
} [Somehow the supplicant is instantly transported through
}  space and time to Friday evening. Right outside......


650-09    (5qqe6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oh Oracle,
> Spare a moment of your time;
> Rid me of this quest for answers
> To this ponderer of mine:
>
> If I am my mother's brother, and cousin to my uncle's sister, what
> relation does that make Bruce Banner to The Incredible Hulk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your own cross-temporally inbred family notwithstanding, the truth
} remains that Bruce and the Hulk are still the same person.  They've
} made a lot of attempts to hide this, by calling each other their
} "first cousin zero times removed" or "uncle's sister's first husband's
} son."
}
} Unfortunately, no matter how obfuscated they make their relationship,
} Bruce _still_ can not claim the Hulk as a dependant.  This was decided
} by the same court that ruled that super heroes who were killed and
} then brought back to life had to pay taxes for the period they spent
} dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Spiderman's 1992 1040 EZ.


650-10    (55jks dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and well read, please answer me this...
>
> Since a cat always lands on its feet, and a piece of buttered toast
> always lands buttered side down, if you strap a piece of buttered toast
> to the back of a cat (buttered side up), which side will it land on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant most wise-cracker:
} Never fool with Murphy, for He supersedes Nature, even in Her Infinite
} Wisdom.
}
} Verily, the strap shall break on the way down.  And the piece of toast
} shall proceed to fall faster than the cat (DON'T give me that jive
} about Gallileo, this is higher stuff!) and shall indeed land on the
} expensive carpet buttered side down.  The cat will fall on its feet,
} directly on the piece of toast, thus grinding it well into the fabric
} of the carpet (which you could've sworn you remembered to roll away
} before the experiment!).
}
} In your desparate attempts to clean up the $2,000 rug, the vacuum will
} suddenly reverse action and spew out all of the dirt which has
} accumulated in it over the last few months (and just yesterday you were
} going to replace the bag, dammit!).  So you call up the salesman, only
} to discover that the warranty has expired yesterday.  You try to fix it
} yourself, and of course the moment you have taken the fine machinery
} apart is when the screwdriver drops out of your hand onto your big toe.
}  You jump and cry out in agony, scattering the tiny screws and nuts
} into the least-accessible corners of the workshop, except for the
} largest one which is eaten by the cat.  The spare screwdriver was lent
} to your neighbour last week, and he has just left for a month's
} vacation in the Bahamas.
}
} Ergo: Ask not which side things land on: this side or that side, Nature
} and Murphy are never on *your* side.
}
} You owe the Oracle $2.50 for the toast, $75 for the vet, $100 for
} medical expenses (wounded toe), $200 for the carpet cleaners, and $200
} for a new vacuum cleaner.  You owe Murphy an apology.  You owe Nature
} your existence.


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