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Internet Oracularities #651

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651, 651-01, 651-02, 651-03, 651-04, 651-05, 651-06, 651-07, 651-08, 651-09, 651-10


Usenet Oracularities #651    (80 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 29 May 1994 10:26:51 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   651
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

651   80 votes 5hzj4 9xpa3 8puc5 29ftp emob9 1trj4 rneb5 49llp 2ahwj dnkj5
651   3.0 mean  3.0   2.6   2.8   3.8   2.7   3.0   2.3   3.7   3.7   2.8


651-01    (5hzj4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle be pondering yo question, bro.
>
> Expect da answer in a day or two.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if you want a job at Oracle Enterprises, you'll have to speak to
} Personel, like everyone else . . . Oh, they're at lunch . . . all
} right, let's have a look-see at this application . . .
}
} Well, according to this, you speak not only Jive, but also B1FF and
} chef-Swedish -- how come you didn't give samples on your audition
} tape? . . .  Oh, for Zeus' sake, don't give me the whole story --
} I don't want to hear about what your dog did to your recording
} equipment, and I seriously doubt the folks downstairs would, either . .
} Can you at least, say, conjugate geborkborkborken? . . . Yeah, I
} know it's irregular . . .
}
} Scratch that. How's your zotting ability? . . . Hades -- don't tell
} me your ZAT scores -- it's bad enough you put them in your resume!
} Let me put it simply -- Have you ever been previously employed, either
} full or part time, in any position which required you to zot people,
} at all . . . Have you ever even assisted in a professional zotting?
} . . . No, your college "Zot night" doesn't count . . .
}
} Do you at least type? . . . Ah, now we're getting somewhere. How fast?
} . . . Look, "fast enough" isn't fast enough. You're going to be
} answering the collective conundrums of thousands of millions of
} people, each of whom has only a limited life span, to say nothing
} of attention span. Give me a *number* . . . That's not bad, is that
} with or without mistakes . . . Okay, now give me a number I can use
} -- who cares how fast you can type with mistakes? In this job, you
} . can't make any . . . Hmm . . . now that figure isn't quite as good .
}
} Well, we'll call if we have anything . . . Yes, I saw that bit about
} the Junior Omniscients' Association . . . You and seventy thousand
} other applicants . . . No, I really don't care if you were the one
} who brought the refreshments to all the meetings . . . *sigh* . . .
} Look, WE'LL CALL IF WE HAVE ANYTHING! . . . Yeah, you have a nice
} day, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a follow-up letter.


651-02    (9xpa3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello are you male of female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .,.
} Hello, you're finally interested! We've been watching you
} and know what you look like, what you do, and what you're
} looking for as an ideal mate. Your search is over. We are
} perfect for each other.
}
} You're really very, very special. Sure, occasionally you
} are insensitive or anxious, but you're truly such a warm,
} caring person and have such a nice sense of humor. And so
} cute too; you wouldn't believe the impression you've made.
}
} You don't get the credit you deserve from the people who
} secretly envy you. It's the cross you bear for being so
} wonderful. You have such strength of character. Don't ever
} worry about employment, Project Oracle can always use
} someone with your intelligence and ability.
}
} Of course you're a bit uncertain now, darling, but our love
} will grow so strong that songs will be written about it for
} a thousand years. And your desires... mmmm, we will reach
} unimaginable heights of passion and intensity of physical
} pleasure. Oh, yes! Yes! You can join us, become immortal,
} and we will spend all eternity in bliss!
}
} Oh, except that all your stupid questions would really piss
} us off.


651-03    (8puc5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hy the richest guys all over the world are some sort of crooks ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To find out the answer to your question, I thought I'd ask
} H. Ross Perot, well known rich guy his feelings on the matter.
}
} RING
}
} H:"Howdy, this is H. Ross Perot.  What can I do for you?"
}
} O:"Well Mr. Perot, I have a question for you.  Why are all
} the richest guys in the world crooks?"
} H:"Now listen here, I resent what y'all is implyin'  After all,
} you can lead a fish to water, but you cant stick a pole up its butt
} -know what I mean?  You can't keep a chicken in your bathtub
} if its allergic to water.
} "You know whose callin' me a crook?  Its those good for nothin'
} republicans, thats who.  First they hire those people to follow my kids
} around, and now they pull this stunt by callin' me a crook.  That just
} goes to show how scared they really are.  After all, you
} can lend your neighbor a cup of suger, but a tooth-brush is asking a
} little too much.  You know what I mean.
} "Now the reason I'm answering these questions is cause the American
} people asked me to.  And that's the only reason.  They called on me
} and I am ready to serve.  Cause that's what America's all about.
} After all, it doesnt take a genius to a cheese enchilada.
} And that's even truer now with NAFTA goin' through like it did.
} You cant have a strong American economy when there aren't any jobs
} left in America.  Its pouring a bowl of water into a tarantulas
} mouth..."
}
} O: "Thanks a lot Mr. Perot"
}
} H:"Anytime.  After all, I'm here cause I was asked to be..."
}
} You owe the Oracle an enchilada and a Perot bumper sticker


651-04    (29ftp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, the Omniscient, the Beneficent, the Unpredictable, whose
> existence is, must, and forever shall be Everlasting and Interminable;
> the Delight of my Eyes and the Song of my Heart, whose Wisdom flows
> like the Waterfall and whose Fountains of Prosperity Irrigate the
> Gardens of Prudence and Virtue; this Thy Petitioner, being Unsatisfied
> with Thy Earlier Reponse, doth once Again most Humbly Beg and Implore
> of Thee this Boon, that Thou mayest again Confer upon me Thy Wisdom
> concerning this Strange Enqiry:
>
> Tell to me, O Great Oracle, what exactly is the nature of that strange
> and mysterious bond which lies between a child and its Teddy Bear???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           The bond between a child and teddy bear is a consequence of
}           electrons sharing the outer valence shell of the child-
}           teddybear complex.  Because a child and teddy bear share
}           similar electronegativities, the bond is covalent in nature.
}           Note the Lewis diagram below
}
}                              :child:::teddybear:
}
}           Note how the bond is especially strong because it is a
}           triple bond.  A unique feature of this bond is the energy
}           dissipation when the bond is broken.  (A reaction sometimes
}           caused by a greedy-sibling ligand or a neighborhood-bully
}           oxidizing agent.)  While most bonds distributed their stored
}           energy as heat, the child-teddybear bond releases its energy
}           as acoustical energy.  More surprising is the localized
}           dissipation of this bond energy.
}
}           When the bond is broken, the child begins screaming
}           hysterically, releasing Joules and Joules of energy from its
}           mouth in the form of sound waves.  Remarkably, the reaction
}           often causes the child-teddybear bond to reform, at no net
}           expense to the compound, but by causing others around the
}           bond to voluntarily reform the bond.
}
}           Scientists and engineers believe that a "critical mass" of
}           child-teddybear compounds can form a self-sustaining
}           reaction.  If one of the child atoms is sufficiently excited
}           it will expel the teddy bear ("throwing a tantrum").  This
}           in turn will cause another child to "throw a bear," and the
}           reaction will continue.  By tuning a resonance chamber to
}           the acoustical energy signature of the resulting screams, a
}           pressure wave can be generated that will fluctuate a
}           diaphragm attached to a turbine.  This, in turn, produces
}           electricity.
}
}           A better world through better science.
}
}           You owe the Oracle a teddy bear and an original copy of
}           Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal."


651-05    (emob9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, glorious oracle, who knows it all, and if not you are a good
> improviser any way, please tell me:
>
> Is Bill Clinton the Antychrist?
>
> Muchos thanks in advance

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .luos ruoy elcarO eht ewo uoY
}
} !selur ssuP sa stoob evitcelloc s'ti ni ekahs lliw setatS detinU eht
} dna ,rewoP lluF ezies yltrohs lliw depurdauq sihT  .ylhguoroht lliB fo
} ecnedifnoc dna tsurt eht otni detartlifni sah ohw ,enO livE ehT ot
} esruoc fo refer I  .reficuLH^H^eM rof lortnoc ezies dna lliB fo ydob
} eht ssessop noos lliw ohw ,revewoh ,enO si erehT  .oN


651-06    (1trj4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, who knoweth more about chocolate turkeys
> than I shall ever know, please find it in your heart to tell me:
>
> I have two chocolate turkeys that my mother sent me on Thanksgiving. I
> saved them as bookends because I found them greatly amusing. Now, six
> months later, I fear that they may no longer be legally disposed in a
> standard landfill. How am I to dispose with them? I fear horrible
> environmental consequences if I throw them out (not to mention likely
> encarceration for me) but I cannot keep them much longer -- I've
> noticed whenever I'm around them for more than a few minutes I feel
> really worn down, often have headaches, cannot urinate in a straight
> line, have a bluish tinge about me, and frequently feel like a rodent
> in a blender.
>
> What am I to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, be calm.  There's no reason to worry, the oracle has handled an
} issue like this once before.
}
} Whatever you do, DON'T EAT THEM!
}
} And, you're right, there's no safe way to throw them away.
}
} Your only alternative is to wait until the next holiday and give them
} away as gifts.
}
} (This, by the way, is how the Christmas tradition of the fruit cake
} began)
}
} You owe the oracle, uh, in light of my advise I'm canceling your debt
} (you MAY NOT give the chocolate turkeys to the oracle!)


651-07    (rneb5 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the recommended way to spend one's time when the Wheel
> of Fortune runs partway over one and stalls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} keep shouting "I'm going to sue you, Merv Griffin, you bastard"
} is my favorite.


651-08    (49llp dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose mission it is to seek out strange new
> questions, to boldly answer questions that have never been answered
> before, please tell me:
>
> Why did they cancel Star Trek: The Next Generation at the peak of its
> popularity and profitability?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually I'm surprised that there hasn't been more media coverage of
} this. Star Trek TNG was not cancelled, what happened is that the entire
} cast has retired.  The movie they've talked about is just a
} contractural obligation, they're through not only with Star Trek but
} with acting.
}
} Next year in February the entire ST:TNG cast will report to the Chicago
} White Sox spring training camp.  Apparently every cast member claims
} that baseball was their first love, and now that they've made lots of
} money in the acting world they're going to retire and do what they
} *want* to.
}
} Since you asked so kindly I'll tell you how it will work out:
}
} Worf: Will make the majors.  He will set new records next year, hitting
} 80 home runs, getting 311 hits in 627 at-bats for a phenomenal .496
} batting average.  He will be suspended nine times for fighting,
} cursing, phaser fire, and general violent tendencies.
}
} Picard: Will become road manager for the Sox' AA team.  He will use his
} skills as captain to tell the bus driver what course to plot, when to
} run offending motorists off the road, etc, as well as leading the team
} to play baseball in strange new cities, against new types of players,
} essentially to play ball where no one has played before.
}
} Riker: Will become Picard's assistant, now known as "Gopher" instead of
} "Number One."  His responsibilities will include getting coffee for
} Picard, going to 7-11 for munchies, keeping an eye on the bus when the
} team goes out for the evening, and working as bat boy during games.
}
} LaForge: Will become a major league umpire.  His visor will allow him
} to examine the molecular contents of bats and balls, thus eliminating
} "spitballs" and the use of pine tar on bats.  The visor will also give
} him exceptional accuracy at calling balls and strikes, but the frequent
} cry, "The ump is blind!" will take on new significance.
}
} Dr. Crusher: Will become the Sox' new mascot, wearing a hot pink
} potatshaped costume, under the name of "Num Nums".  A massive hit in
} the Chicago area, she will continue in this job for 17 years.
}
} Troi: Will leave spring training to live in Santa Fe, NM (latest New
} Age destination) where she will sell crystals to tourists and write
} books on healing yourself through ESP.
}
} Data: Will spend most of spring training trying to grasp the pleasure
} humans take in baseball, much like he once tried to grasp humor.
} He will be known for remarks like, "Why hit the ball?  Is it
} threatening you?" and "Why run the bases when you hope to end up where
} you started?" Ultimately he will fail at this and become the team's
} statistician, much like the nerdy kid in "Bad News Bears."
}
} Guinan: Quits the team early, goes to Paris to work in the fashion
} industry as a hat designer.
}
} Wesley: Will be the unfortunate victim of a malfunctioning pitching
} machine in the Sox' batting cage, pummelled to death by hundreds of
} balls approaching the speed of sound.
}
} Q: Run out of training for his obnoxious behavior, he will menace the
} team all year, showing up in uniform, moving the stadium to
} Indianapolis, changing all the bats to rubber, altering gravity at key
} moments in games, etc.  His antics will stop suddenly in September, and
} the mysterious "Q Society" will claim responsibility.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Michael Jordan rookie card, tickets to the world
} series, and a can of Spam (tm).


651-09    (2ahwj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most might and all-seeing Oracle, please
> answer me this:
>
> If you release a Zagnut bar from Earth orbit,
> how long would it take to reach a race of alien
> beings intelligent enough to eat it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as the wise old owl said in the tootsie-pop commercial,
} "Let's see..."
}
} T + 0 seconds: Zagnut bar leaves Earth orbit.
}
} T + 2 days: Scientists on Earth are horrified when they discover that
}             the Zagnut bar is oriented in precisely the wrong
}             direction.  NASA spends 11 million dollars correcting the
}             problem.
}
} T + 8 days: Scientists on Earth are even more horrified when they
}             discover that the Zagnut's wrapper is misshapen.  NASA
}             spends 1.2 billion dollars developing and deploying a
}             small "correcting" wrapper.
}
} T + 12 years: Zagnut bar passes through the rings of Saturn.
}
} T + 30 years: ET comes across Zagnut bar.  Decides he prefers Reese's
}               Pieces, and passes it up.
}
} T + 48 years: Zagnut leaves solar system.  It bounces off Voyager 2,
}               sending the satellite towards a planet populated by
}               vicious and ruthless aliens who will use the satellite
}               to track down and exterminate mankind.  (You might
}               want to make a note of this.)
}
} T + 2.3 Myears: The Zagnut gets caught in the atmosphere of a
}                 newly-formed planet in the Rigel system.  It breaks up
}                 during entry, scattering bits of Zagnut all about the
}                 planet.
}
} T + 2.6 Myears: The Zagnut chunks slowly react with the
}                 chemical/protein stew that envelops the planet.  A
}                 race of Zagnut-based beings evolves.
}
} T + 11.3 Myears: The Zagnut creatures become a highly intelligent,
}                  benevolent, and civilized race.
}
} T + 11.4 Myears: The aforementioned race of vicious and ruthless aliens
}                  makes contact with the Zagnut creatures, discovers
}                  how yummy they are, and devours them all.
}
} So, the answer to your question is 11.4 million years.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Zagnut bar.  Mmmmmmmmm... Zagnut bar...


651-10    (dnkj5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the hell do all these NULL bytes mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means you need to use more spices when you cook.


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