} The problem of being in two places at once has plagued mankind since
} the dawn of last Monday. Many people have wondered "Why am I here?
} Why am I not there? Here is nice. Hmmm. There seems nice too. Let's
} go see. Oh, gee, now I'm here, which was there, but I'm not there (and
} there is where I'm not which was here before I was where I am). I
} wonder if I can be here and there at once. Maybe if I run... pant,
} pant, pant... :-P hey, I was just there and now I'm here again and
} I've lost there again. This is tough!" (Well, maybe not *that* many
} people have wondered this, but at least two have.)
} But now, finally, allow us to present:
} HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE
} A brief guide by T. U. Oracle
} The Solomon method: Get a sharp sword. Cut yourself in half. Send
} one half here and the other half here. Caveat: if cut
} sideways, you'll have to make sure that the upper half
} goes somewhere appropriate (say, a good dinner or movie)
} and the lower half does likewise (an orgy would do fine).
} If cut lengthwise, you may experience difficulties in
} spatial perception. In both cases you only have 12
} seconds or so to enjoy yourself before blood loss gets
} The Tachyon method: Become a subatomic particle. You can now be in
} two places at once. Caveat: if you look at your watch to
} find out the time, your wave function will collapse in
} space and make quite a mess.
} The wise-cracker method: Wear a mask and concealing clothes, and then
} you can be in one place and in cognito at the same time.
} Caveat: nobody knows where cognito is, presumably it is
} very near to communicado.
} The Deity method: Become the USENET Oracle, or some equivalent
} deity. You will be everywhere at once. Caveat: you'll
} have to answer lots of annoying questions.
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) Schroedinger's cat, dead or