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Internet Oracularities #652

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652, 652-01, 652-02, 652-03, 652-04, 652-05, 652-06, 652-07, 652-08, 652-09, 652-10


Usenet Oracularities #652    (80 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 07:52:56 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   652
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

652   80 votes 9qtf1 hijl5 vrg60 rqc78 8woc4 gegnb 5fmlh dpfha 0cfxk apki7
652   2.8 mean  2.7   2.7   2.0   2.3   2.6   3.0   3.4   2.8   3.8   2.8


652-01    (9qtf1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where are they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has asked them, and they have replied:
}
} We've been waiting for YOU! Why are you fooling around with that
} computer when you were supposed to meet us half an hour ago? We kept
} trying to call, but your line was busy. Anyway, we went ahead with the
} heist, though we had to recruit a new getaway driver at the last
} minute. Of course YOU, being uninvolved, will have to be, ah,
} accounted for. Mr. Pink will be along shortly to conclude our
} business.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, but good luck settling up with your
} pals.


652-02    (hijl5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I pass the test today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not a test, Bill, and it's not over for another two years.


652-03    (vrg60 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am wondering how many hours sleep should a person get each night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably 7-8, but I usually go with 4-16.


652-04    (rqc78 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Entertain me, o wise Oracle...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, here comes the StarTrek-theme.
}
} Laa laa la laa la la laa. Laa laa. Laaalaaalaala.
} Laalaalaalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.


652-05    (8woc4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> How does one get rid of weeds without digging them up?
> I would like to kill some foliage without harming the soil.
> Can I do this chemically?  If so what chemicals do I use?
> Is there any home reamedies that you may suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Supplicant, the answer is very simple. Go to your local army
} dump and buy a small yet powerful flamethrower. Fill her up with
} petrol, kick the safety switch and let it rock!
} This will also devestate any rare orchids, trees, and people in the
} vicinity of your weeds, but hey, you didn't harm the soil.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of those nice orchids..


652-06    (gegnb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle,
>
> what is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The cereal, the magazine, or the board game?


652-07    (5fmlh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighy Oracle, whose intellect shines brighter than the heavens, whose
> understanding is deeper than an ocean trench, whose houseplants thrive
> forevermore, I, a supplicant not worthy to pick the chewed gum out of
> your golden bootsoles with my tongue, as a eternal highlight to my
> puerile existence, seek any answer that you deign to bestow upon me in
> reference to this question: Why do housecats always have that weird
> "cat attitude", while dogs are such sappy sloppy drooling simperers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the result of thousands of years of artificial selection, women
} have molded cats into what women subconsciously consider the ideal
} man, and men have molded dogs into what men subconsciously consider
} the ideal woman.


652-08    (dpfha dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one,
> Why is there no free lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with Rush Limbaugh
} visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet at Shoney's.


652-09    (0cfxk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who is wise enough to be everywhere at once,
>
> How can I be in two places at once?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem of being in two places at once has plagued mankind since
} the dawn of last Monday.  Many people have wondered "Why am I here?
} Why am I not there?  Here is nice.  Hmmm.  There seems nice too.  Let's
} go see.  Oh, gee, now I'm here, which was there, but I'm not there (and
} there is where I'm not which was here before I was where I am).  I
} wonder if I can be here and there at once.  Maybe if I run... pant,
} pant, pant... :-P  hey, I was just there and now I'm here again and
} I've lost there again.  This is tough!"  (Well, maybe not *that* many
} people have wondered this, but at least two have.)
}
} But now, finally, allow us to present:
}
} HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE
} ===============================
} A brief guide by T. U. Oracle
}
} The Solomon method:   Get a sharp sword.  Cut yourself in half.  Send
}               one half here and the other half here.  Caveat: if cut
}               sideways, you'll have to make sure that the upper half
}               goes somewhere appropriate (say, a good dinner or movie)
}               and the lower half does likewise (an orgy would do fine).
}               If cut lengthwise, you may experience difficulties in
}               spatial perception.  In both cases you only have 12
}               seconds or so to enjoy yourself before blood loss gets
}               you.
}
} The Tachyon method:   Become a subatomic particle.  You can now be in
}               two places at once.  Caveat: if you look at your watch to
}               find out the time, your wave function will collapse in
}               space and make quite a mess.
}
} The wise-cracker method: Wear a mask and concealing clothes, and then
}               you can be in one place and in cognito at the same time.
}               Caveat: nobody knows where cognito is, presumably it is
}               very near to communicado.
}
} The Deity method:     Become the USENET Oracle, or some equivalent
}               deity. You will be everywhere at once.  Caveat: you'll
}               have to answer lots of annoying questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) Schroedinger's cat, dead or
} alive.


652-10    (apki7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me more about Howdy Doody.  And the Flub-A-Dub.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stage Name: Howdy Doody
} Real Name: Bonjour LaFeces
} Birth Date: April 22, 1921
} Place: Nice, France (the same place as 'Andre the Giant')
} Height: 60 cm.
} Weight: Approximately 3.5 kgs.(varies with the moisture content in the
}         air)
} Turn Ons: Tung oil, #200 grit sandpaper, Pentox, Jello 1-2-3, and
}           Lambchop
} Turn Offs: Termites, dry rot, circular saws, Barney, Mr. Bill
} Claim to fame:  After spotted show biz career, was the first to coin
}                 the phrase "She gives me a woody".
} Current Status: Resting in a health care facility in eastern Canada
}                 that is treating him for the long term affects of Dutch
}                 Elm Disease and years of self 'Flub-A-Dub' abuse. He
}                 learned this cruel form of sphincter enlargement back
}                 in his native France and could not break himself of the
}                 shameful habit. Although unable to talk or move any of
}                 his limbs, he remains in good spirits and hopes to make
}                 a movie with Regis and Kathie Lee that will be entitled
}                 "Sphincter Boy, Anal Retentive Sidekick, and The Big
}                 Woody Immigrant". Watch for the steamy/dusty scenes.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 packs of O-Pee-Chee hockey cards and a lime
} Popsicle.


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