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Internet Oracularities #653

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653, 653-01, 653-02, 653-03, 653-04, 653-05, 653-06, 653-07, 653-08, 653-09, 653-10


Usenet Oracularities #653    (89 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 7 Jun 1994 07:53:11 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   653
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

653   89 votes evlj4 brqfa 4dtwb krjg7 cxtc3 5gntg Ln973 nEdc1 8bww6 ksmd6
653   2.7 mean  2.6   2.8   3.4   2.6   2.6   3.4   1.8   2.2   3.2   2.5


653-01    (evlj4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me:
>
> Where do babies REALLY come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We tested this one out in the lab, and with close inspection via
} electron microscope, the inscription "Made in Japan" was found.


653-02    (brqfa dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the hell is going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe it is now time we tell you what has been
} taking place.  Even though it is not your 'right'
} to know, we feel that you are no longer capable
} of responding in a negative or harmful way.
}
} It all started in July of 1989.  A young man
} (and now you know who you are) was checked into
} a hospital room for some routine tests.  Sometime
} during the night, he was wisked away by two procurement
} specialists that were contracted by Oracle Enterprises.
} He was taken to a private laboratory (the location of
} which is still classified) somewhere in Europe.
}
} For the next three years a number of experimental
} procedures were performed on Gunter (this is the
} name the lab technicians gave this particular
} young man.  The researchers just refered to him
} as Specimen 42.).  These procedures included genetic
} manipulation, cellular reconfiguration, and daily
} back massage.
}
} On February 22, 1993, it was discovered that Specimen
} 42 and Specimen 43 had been placed in the wrong
} sequence of genetically selected procedures. (Specimen
} 43 was refered to as Algernon by the technicians)
}
} On February 24, 1993 Specimens 42 and 43 were released
} in an alley near 47th and Grand in Grand Rapids
} Michigan.
}
} No one has heard from Specimen 43, but it is believed
} that one of our 'clean-up' crews was able to terminate
} his file.
}
} We appreciate your contacting us at this time.  By the
} way could you please maintain your current address for
} at least 24 hours.  We would be very grateful.
}
} Your Friend, The Oracle
}
} P.S.  You owe the oracle one small piece of cheese.


653-03    (4dtwb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will it take for me to be able to sustain a six-and-a-half minute
> mile for three miles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       J. Peter Acme
}                                       Acme Corporation
}                                       Buena Vista, CA
}
}                                       2 June, 1994
}
} Dear Mr. Coyote,
}
} Thank you for your recent inquiry; you are certainly one of our most
} valued customers, and we are always eager to assist you.
}
} For your most recent project, please consider the enclosed Acme Rocket
} Booster Roller Skates (tm, pat. pending).  Full instructions are
} included. If you are not entirely satisfied, simply return the product
} with packing material to our shipping office for a full credit.
}
} Sincerely,
}
}                                       J. Peter Acme
}
} PS: Acme is not responsible for accidental misfiring.  Acme is a
} wholly-owned subsidiary of Oracle-Roadrunner Industries.


653-04    (krjg7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How about those Bay Area kids who found those chromosomes linked
> to cancer, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, why not? I'll try anything once. And some fries with that, too.
}
} If it's any good, you owe the Oracle the recipe.


653-05    (cxtc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am writing a book on the Internet and the people who use it.  What is
> the most important thing that should be included?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE : (shyly, timidly) Well, um, (clears throat), not to seem
} overly vain or anything (coughs politely), but, er, it seems that -
} well, some people have told me that *I* am, you know, pretty
} important to the Internet.
}
} YOU: I thought you were the *Usenet* Oracle...
}
} ORACLE : Oh, yeah, well, uh, Usenet, Internet, same thing.
}
} YOU : Um, well, people might laugh at the idea of an omniscient
} being roaming around the Information Highway.
}
} ORACLE : No need to worry.  I'll include a ZOT in every book
} to convince your readers of the authenticity of my existence.
}
} YOU : No, really, it's all right.  No need to go to such trouble...
}
} ORACLE : Don't worry.  Your books will become a best-seller
} overnight.  People will buy it in mass quantities as present for
} their in-laws, their bosses, their children's pets.  You'll
} go down in history.
}
} [You smile happily.]
}
} [Curtains fall.]
}
}       You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your
} posthumously published book.


653-06    (5gntg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for contacting Cantor and Seagull's "CyberSell".  Details of
} our exclusive range of spam-related merchandise are below.  If you have
} any questions or complaints, call 1-900-WE-SPAM ($50 a minute legal
} rates).
}
} - - - cut here - - -
}
}                    CYBERSELL SPAM MERCHANDISE LIST
}
}                Last updated: 06/03/94 by MELT down MAN
}
} SPAM T-SHIRTS
}
} 100% cotton with spam stains on front and back.  Tasteful "I spammed
} the net" logo on chest.  $15.99.
}
} SPAM-ON-A-ROPE
}
} Perfect for use in the shower.  Ever felt hungry whilst soaping your
} butt?  Never again.  Not recommended for use as a food product.
} $10.99.
}
} SUPER OXYGENATED SPAM
}
} Brain food for the 21st century!  May prevent cancer, AIDS, and most
} other infectious diseases if eaten regularly.  Then again, it may not.
} $200 per tin.
}
} OFFICIAL D-DAY LANDING SPAM FRITTERS
}
} As recommended by UK Prime Minister John Major.  Celebrate the death
} of thousands of Allied troops by cooking these tasty 'meaty' treats.
} $5.95.
}
} THE SPAM PHONE
}
} Remember when you used to make telephones out of old tin cans and
} string?  Re-live those halcyon days with the Spam Phone -- a fully
} functional telephone made entirely from spam cans.  (Prohibited from
} connection to public telephone systems.  Spam not included.)  $56.50.
}
} EAU DE SPAM
}
} Girls!  Send your guy crazy with this exclusive fragrance.  Only
} $29.95! (10ml bottle.)
}
} SPAM FLAVOURED CONDOMS
}
} People say there's no meat in spam -- prove them wrong!  As used by
} L Cantor (thank goodness).  $4.95.
}
} SPAMSICLE
}
} Smooth and creamy ice-cold spam on a stick.  $0.90 each.  (We
} recommend next-day delivery at $20 extra.)
}
} CHICKEN SPAMNUGGETS
}
} Are your family bored of chicken?  Perhaps they're just bored of
} chicken flavoured chicken.  Try new Spamnuggets -- real processed
} chicken with the great taste of spam.  $1.20 per pound.
}
} SPAMALAMADINGDONG
}
} Jumbo-sized vibrator with the texture and colour of spam, with extra
} ridges for added excitement.  Supplied with mains adaptor and
} spam-flavoured lubricant.
}
} - - - cut here - - -


653-07    (Ln973 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think I would look good with a beard?
>                               -Hillary

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yep


653-08    (nEdc1 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> nice hooters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Your continual sexual harrasment of our client, the Usenet Oracle,
} has prompted us to issue the following warning.  Immedeatly
} cease all references to breasts, genitalia, and other sexual
} explicit subjects while transacting business with our client.
} If you do not cease your emotionally disturbing activities immedeatly
} we will be forfced to pursue legal actions.
} Our client has a delicate constitution.  Please keep this in mind
} in the future.
}
} You have been warned.
}
} The Law Offices of Cantor and Seagull


653-09    (8bww6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Recently I decided to take some time out from the ratrace and get
> better acquainted with myself.
>
> I decided I liked me. In fact, I liked me so much I invited me out
> to dinner, and afterwards we came back to my place and had sex.
>
> Now I'm worried: "What if I caught something?
> What if me wants a key, or wants to move in?"
>
> O Oracle who knows so much, what shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suggest you go with your emotions. If you REALLY really like this
} person, then I think there is an excellent chance that they like you.
} The worry over disease is not one to think about. If you think you
} have caught something, I think you'll find you probably already had
} it.
}
} The only problem I can see is that this is more likely than not a
} homosexual relationship, and as a result you may be stigmatised in
} public, and if you are a prominent politician you may lose your job.
} Still, what goes around comes around.
}
} Just make sure you practice safe sex. Once you've practiced it
} enough, try doing it for real.
}
} You owe the Oracle a long-term commitment and an invitation to the
} wedding.


653-10    (ksmd6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh <insert gratuitous flattery> Oracle:
>
> where's the beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because I didn't think much of your grovel, I have snipped out a few
} pixels from your question, and sold them for serifs to the local
} fontsmiths. What remains is:
}
} > where's the beer?
}
} I'm not telling. If you can't find it, all the more for me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for a hangover...


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